The Squeaky Wheel – Why I Won’t Be Silenced

Image result for trouble maker
Last week, I was out with my friend Laura. We just had come out of the Tesla dealership, when I told her how much I always wanted a V8 Bumble Bee addition Camaro, but had gone with the Nissan Leaf instead. She asked me if I think it really matters and of course, I felt it does. I had been driving EVs/plug in hybrids for 6 years now and as our polar ice caps are melting, I feel strongly about at least not contributing towards the further destruction of our planet. I have no kids and technically, don’t have to care what happens 50 years from now, but that doesn’t mean I feel ignorant about my role in making the world a better place, even though I’m just one person. This is when she asked “you ARE aware that you are unusual in your strong moral and ethical values?” Of course, I am/was not. To me, all this is part of being a decent human.
I have been told many times that I am “unusual,” rare, different, extraordinary, etc. and yet, I can’t seem to wrap my head around why it is so difficult for people to differentiate, without bias!!! what is universally right and wrong. And when I mean “universally” I mean regardless of religion or creed.
Friends have often said that we need more like me, as if they had a valid reason to not be like that. The truth is, it comes with a terrible price and I think this is what deters people from “going deep.” People don’t want to get in fights, whatever that means.
After Trump was put in the White House, I was more than politically pissed off. I never cared for Bush, but him I could tolerate. Trump, however, existed/exists in a league on his own. Not because I disagree with him politically, but because he is a simply despicable, vial, vulgar and frankly, bad human. There is nothing humanly warm about him and I cannot for the life of me understand how this is not blatantly apparent to everyone. Needless to say, I wouldn’t shut up.
Meanwhile, I had previous co-workers and friends joining “secret” groups, where they openly discussed their grievances about Trump; as well as their fears and worries. None of them opened their mouth publicly. No, that quite uncomfortable action was left to people like me. They looked like “tolerant” and undivided people, claiming BS like “I will not judge you based on your political beliefs,” while I was the asshat who was considered intolerant, divisive and hateful. I, of course, stated that I also don’t part with people I politically disagree with. I will, however, absolutely part with people who are Nazi sympathizers, racists, judgmental towards LGBT people, hateful towards immigrants, the poor, and the sick, and those who think it’s their rightful job to force their beliefs on the rest of the world, while simultaneously judging other religions/groups for doing so.
The truth has always been that I am far from being hateful, and I am not particularly courageous. I don’t like confrontation any more than any other person. The difference is that I, from third grade on, considered it my duty to stand up for the underdog, the bullied, the less fortunate, the abused, the poor, the mistreated and hated. I even told my teacher that when I grew up I wanted to be either an angel, or Jesus (yep, I said that). Why? Because I had been every single one of these things and as an empath, I felt each blow done to another as if it had been dealt to me. I had vowed that i would never idly stand by and watch, as almost every single person in my life had done. I learned the true meaning of silence being consent.
I never shied away from telling people the brutal details, like being sexually abused for the majority of my childhood, or being mentally abused, berated, beaten, yelled at, ignored and pushed around. I felt it always important to tell people WHY I do the things I do; not that it mattered one bit to those who attacked me. It’s funny how people would always call me judgmental, as they sat on their butt, stating the same things in private, while silently standing by and watching. I felt it was interesting how a few “religious” friends felt they had the right to judge what people should do with their bodies, how they should believe and what was moral and right, often blatantly ignoring their scriptures or molding it to their advantage. These people would have the nerve to tell me things like “god works in mysterious ways we cannot possibly comprehend,” while making themselves out the authority on interpreting his word. There is something very inauthentic and hypocritical about people who cheered at people being deported, at people losing health insurance, at help being taken away from the poor, all the while yelling they are being persecuted and calling women who are pro choice “baby killers.”
I found it interesting that almost every single one of these people had no friggin idea what it feels like to be on the receiving end of their judgment and paying the price for their ignorance and selfishness. I struggled with the arrogance of arguing with a German how racism and white supremacy looks like; just like they sneered that I was being a “couch psychiatrist,” when I voiced my concerns about his narcissism and sociopathic behavior. They never acknowledged that those of us who have extensive experience with this type see it very clearly for what it is. It’s like asking a cop if he/she can see if a person is lying or telling the truth. It doesn’t take a degree. It takes experience and pattern recognition ability.
My whole point is that I am fully aware how I seem relentless, always angry and aggressive. I will remain so. Because one person CAN change the world, and if not, at least lead by example and with integrity. Because when I die, I don’t want to look back at my life and wish I would have done more for those who needed my help. If that makes me an asshole, then so be it.

So You Voted For Trump!

Rock Bottom

You are not a racist! You are not a bigot and you’re not some redneck. No, you did the world a favor and did what was best for America. Of course, your world pretty much consists of people just like you. The same people who live in your neighborhood, the people at church, those who like the same sports and maybe even cheer for the same teams, as well as good old friends you’ve known your entire life and of course, the relatives. All of them look and think and talk just like you, and they are patting you on the back, because they are from the same stock. You were tired of the establishment and you are going to show these elitist liberal assholes what happens when you get pissed off!

My world started out in Europe: Germany to be exact. My dad was an alcoholic loser, and he worked as a janitor. My mom was a cleaning woman. She scrubbed toilets to feed me and my brother and to keep a roof over our heads after they finally divorced. Luckily for me I grew up in a country where status and money didn’t matter when it came to getting an education; we all got the same one, rich and poor and how far you went depended on how smart and driven you were. In school, I’ve learned about world history and what hatred, bigotry and fear can do to an entire nation. So, I have always had a healthy curiosity about people that are the opposite of me. I made sure I wouldn’t grow up to be like my country men in the 1930s and 40s.

So now I have friends who come from Germany, France, Spain, Italy, Ireland, England, Norway, Russia, Switzerland, Austria, Scotland, Netherlands, Greece, India, Australia, China, Hong Kong, Taiwan, Iran, India, Turkey and South Africa. Some went back, the majority of them are still here. My friends are Christians, Hindus, Buddhists, Pagans, Atheists, Agnostics and Muslims. They are black, white, brown, yellow and any color in between. They are straight, gay, lesbian, transgender and bi-sexual. And they taught me a great deal about the world, love, compassion, open-mindedness and inclusion. America is great like that.

I entered the US in December of 1992. Over the years I’ve met a bunch of amazing Americans who shaped and helped strengthen my belief in all things good and the importance to help those who have less. I wanted to pay it forward and I became an American, too. I guess I’m lucky to know so many people who inspired me and over the years, I’ve joined them in the support of various causes; we volunteered and donated. As my income and influence grew, I met more people like me. People who gladly pay more taxes to support those who make less. We help the homeless, we support the environment, we help in soup kitchens, work with kids on the streets, tutor, work with women in battered women shelters and we volunteer at the humane society. We march for cancer cures and we ride bikes to stop diabetes. We walk and bike for MS, Parkinson’s Disease, lymphoma, breast cancer and yes, we volunteer and donate to LGBT centers and AIDS walks. We stop human trafficking, we work in law enforcement and fraud prevention, and we serve in the military, so your lives and rights are protected. We know what it feels like to be judged, discriminated against and marginalized, because we experienced it ourselves, or have compassion for those who are still in it.

So, when we vote, we vote for ALL of us. We don’t shove our religious beliefs, or limited knowledge down other people’s throats, and most of the time we are out there DOING, not preaching. We remember how it feels like to be on the receiving end of hypocrisy, judgment and preconceived notions. We vote, not just to benefit us, but we cast our voices for those who are oppressed and maybe even don’t have one! We do what is right, based on fundamental laws of decency and kindness, because we are stronger together.

I’m not gay, bi or transgender. But my sister and a large amount of my friends are! She disabled her FB profile, because “the country” basically sent her, her wife and all her friends a big “f** you! Did I mention that my sister is an ex-Marine and ex-cop, still working in law enforcement, protecting society from criminals?

How do you think us immigrants feel? I don’t think you cared and I don’t think you ever considered that, because that is what privileged people do, they get so caught up in their own anger and perceived sense of lack, that they no longer consider the consequences their actions have to those who are vastly different. So, while you go back to your life as you know it, there are quite a few people who now have to live in fear; the same fear the Jews did back in Germany. There are people who will lose their rights, benefits and all the things others worked so hard to help them attain.

So no, we are not whining. We are, however, deeply disappointed that you stood by a guy who has never done a single thing to benefit anyone else but himself. You hired a football coach, who has never held a ball in his life, never played or coached, but promised you he’d win every game by a tremendous lot without a single game plan, and you bought it. I’m glad you are winning. My heart is breaking for the millions who are losing – in true, bleeding heart liberal fashion.

Why David Bowie Meant So Much To Many Of Us


I have never considered myself like everyone else; even as a child. There was a distinct difference in how I acted and thought, perceived the world, and how deeply I felt. My heart always ran and still runs very deep and I always had a highly vivid imagination – I was, and will always remain, a huge dreamer. I could be found sporting my mom’s red robe as a cape, while singing into a wooden spoon and dancing in front of the radio. I would have given the world to be a ballerina and/or a singer. Alas, dancing lessons were not available for someone as poor as me. Growing up in the deepest working class, with mom working as a cleaning woman to support me and my brother, while I was taking care of the household at 8, didn’t leave money for dancing or singing lessons.

I used to disappear into an imaginary world, filled with heroes and brightly clad people; kings and queens, princesses and princes and all things fairy tales are made of. I did two things: I read a huge amount of books – and I listened to music. Escaping into a fantasy world saved my life. It saved me from doing drugs or picking up drinking, the chosen past time for a lot of working class, latchkey kids and teenagers.

I was drawn to the outrageous performers: David Bowie, Freddy Mercury, Boy George, Robert Smith, Adam Ant, Steve Strange from Visage – just to name a few. I loved the make up. I loved the theater and the outrageous clothing. I had more gay than straight friends. I was a proud New Wave girl (something that later on turned into Goth) when I was a teenager. Besides a stint of a few years, I never, ever dressed or looked “normal” again. I also remained non-committal to any scene or crowd and kept friends of all colors, backgrounds, religions, looks and creed. But I always favored the artists and dreamers. This is who I have been for all of my life.

Of course, I started out dressing “weird,” to stand out and be different (it’s what one does at 14) and because I hated how mean society was. I was escaping my bleak surroundings, the bullies in school and the utter helplessness I felt growing up. I was rebelling against a system I thought favored the shallow and beautiful. Now, as I look back, I realize that the reasons ran much deeper: we dreamers were just made differently! Most of us dressed and expressed ourselves in ways that reflected how we felt. David Bowie was such a person. He was bending all the rules on what you’re supposed to be; on having to decide if you are gay or straight, a boy or girl, into rock, glam, or whatever else floats your boat. He and the other dreamers taught us that love at first sight was OK and that following one’s heart wasn’t stupid at all. He was the space man, the goblin king and androgynous super hero, and I loved him for it.

I found solace in knowing that people like him existed and I spent hours escaping into magical worlds of wonder and true love when listening to their music and reading my fairy tale books. Doing this kept me sane and I don’t think those who didn’t experience this will ever understand why we then feel as if a piece of our soul is ripped out when one of these magical beings dies. I guess, some of us felt all along that we were floating in a tin can and David Bowie took some of that loneliness we aliens feel away.

PS: I also cried my eyes out when Freddy Mercury died! I am still sad about this one, too.

True Love – Make it So

true love

Love – nothing will ever be more elevating, more empowering and more worthwhile than true love. And while all know this, it often seems to elude many of us for various reasons. So we run around disconnected, distracting ourselves, while hoping that the magic answer and bullet will appear, out of thin air, at our doorstep and in our lives.

Love is actually not as elusive and hard to find, if you know what you are looking for; and I believe that is where it becomes difficult. We are sold on what we should believe in and how this love thing should look like, missing that love and how it will appear is vastly different for all of us. We all have different wants, needs and ideals of love, our perfect partner and how we like to be treated, as well as what is and isn’t important to us. So being sold on a fairy tale created by Hollywood is often not only not cutting it, but will sometimes make us feel more off and as if something is wrong with us.

When I look at myself, I can honestly state that I am a hopeless romantic. But for me, romance never showed up in form a perfect house, 2.5 children, a dog and the man that I, as a corporate woman for example, should want and crave. To me, there were many nuances that didn’t fit in any traditional picture and this made me feel incredibly sad, “weird” and different. I wanted something out of this world and that just doesn’t usually come in a traditional form. Meaning, visualizing and craving something society told me to manifest could never work, because it wasn’t what I truly desired.

So, I created my perfect man. I started with a vision board. On this vision board I put all the things I wanted to have in life – money/success, health, love and happiness. I packed the entire board full of all the images that incorporate these concepts in my head. I then hung said vision board on my refrigerator door, where I would have to look at it every day. After this was accomplished, I started meditating and visualizing each aspect depicted. I was specific, VERY specific about the relationship and man I wanted. From his energy and how he should feel like, to all the qualities I personally adore and admire. I created my own, magical unicorn! With each passing day I recalled the image back into my subconscious – then released it to unfold without attachment to when, how and where.

The truth is, each and every one of us is capable to manifest whatever we desire. It takes focus and a little bit of time, and above all commitment and patience. Steady visualization does work. If it is love you are seeking, you might find yourself one day waking up to the very person you’ve been attempting to manifest, realizing that love is real and that your work has paid off.

Why It Truly Doesn’t Matter


I’ve noticed an interesting pattern with myself and many people that I know. It’s the pattern of assigning meaning to the things we should, in fact, ignore. 

Ever notice how we tend to look at our successes with an almost shoulder-shrugging, disconnected and strangely indifferent attitude, while we take rejection to a whole new level of cray cray? When I take stock of my life on a logical level, I’d have to see that my wins clearly outnumber my failures, and yet, I still often find myself measuring myself by the times I experienced rejection, loss or defeat. My brain seems to have an uncanny ability to zoom right in on the negative, mourning the loss of an opportunity or relationship, while it quite deliberately ignores the greatness I achieve/have achieved.

Somehow, I assign great meaning to rejection. Being turned down for a job, promotion or by a guy suddenly means that I am maybe insufficient, not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough or otherwise simply undesirable. This is the great lie I was lead to believe a long time ago. And yes, it is a lie. Let me tell you why it is important to choose the right perspective and how to go about it.

Beating yourself up and blaming yourself for what someone else chose and did is the most hurtful thing you can do to yourself. The truth is that people do, think and say whatever they want and there is nothing you can do about it. You don’t have control over another’s actions; you only have control over your own actions and perspectives. Yes, if certain situations keep repeating, you may want to evaluate why you choose people who treat you a certain way, but to believe that their actions reflect on who you are in any way, shape or form is simply toxic; and again, not even true.

In the past, when a guy rejected me I’d make it about me being not good enough. But what if it merely means that they are not the one I want!? Why would I want anyone who doesn’t clearly see me? To quote one of my Besties, “you are one of a kind. Anyone who does not recognize that isn’t worth it.” I thought about this statement long and hard and realized that I truly had it backwards.

When I would meet someone that I liked and they didn’t like me back, I’d go back in my mind and have the conversation of “If I would only not have said/done this or that, and done/said such and such instead.” I am sure many can relate to that. And yet, this is the very thought process we should reject. Why in the world would anyone even do who requires censoring? Why would we blame ourselves readily, instead of standing proudly in who we truly are? Why would I beat myself up over being too intense, when I know that there is someone out there who’d look at my intensity with a great big grin and a “whoohoo!” Why do we assume that this one person, who usually knows nothing about us, is more valuable than the ones who love and like us precisely for the things that truly make us the unique people we are?

Yes, being rejected is uncomfortable. I think it’s human to respond with an initial knee jerk reaction of “ack,” and feeling sad. But in the great big scheme of life it truly doesn’t matter. So I got rejected? Next! All rejection means is that I am still available for the awesome person who thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread. Because I want the man who looks at me and thinks “HELL YES!”.

Sometimes people look great on the surface and sometimes we may project what we want into them, but the truth is that nothing feels quite like the true, authentic click and spark that happens when you meet your true match. If I have to censor who I am, what I say, how I look and what I stand for, I am not with the one; it’s as simple and honest as that. True connection is not built on superficial attraction and projection of what we want to see and would like to have. True connection is built on trust in knowing that you are safe being yourself, and admired, wanted and loved for just that. So don’t attach meaning to someone rejecting you. Instead, realize that your “whoohoo” is still about to happen, because that is what you want and deserve anyway.

The key is knowing that what you truly deserve and want is, in fact, possible. It’s the how and when you gotta let go. Lightning could strike tomorrow – in the most unexpected ways and places and everything around it will fall into place, without you censoring who you are.

Fake It Until You Make It

From the airplane

From the airplane

It’s a lot of work to rewire your hard drive, also known as your brain. When you’ve been a certain way for so long, or done certain things for equally as long, it is amazingly difficult to change them. It’s not impossible, but it takes a lot of effort, choice and awareness to not just change for a day, but to make it stick. It is hard for me sometimes to make it stick. It is difficult to stop the constant, endless stream of thoughts that run like a freight train through my brain. Often, these thoughts are not only counterproductive, but probably “wrong.” The steady flow of assumptions and assignment of meaning is exhausting.

I am becoming more aware of what and who triggers negative thoughts and a spiral downwards. I am also becoming more aware of what and who triggers the opposite. Where the dots are still not quite connecting is drawing conclusions from said findings, and hence, actually avoid and stop giving time and thought to those who clearly are triggering negative responses and make me feel bad. The thing is, I am still not “fully developed” the way I want and that means that the wrong influences still have too much power at times.

I have been walking on a tight rope, carefully balancing my thoughts, actions and words to align with the goals I have set for myself. This has worked pretty well in the past few months with only a few setbacks to report. I get in trouble when I overanalyze and things get worse when I assign value to other people’s actions and words, or lack thereof.

It boils down to me trying to make sense of people who are acting in ways that make no sense to me. I still have a bad habit of taking it personal, as if their complete lack of care, consideration or thought of me says something about me. I still do it, and what’s worse, find myself incapable of just walking away. I want to tell people that their actions are callous and hurt me, but then wonder why I would do that, given that this generally doesn’t go anywhere. So, round and round in circles I go, wondering why I am rejected (for example), then trying to verbalize it, while figuring that none of it should matter and that they wouldn’t give a damn if I did say something anyway. I do this for hours at times, seemingly unaware of how much time and energy I waste.

I guess, the good thing is that I don’t act on these thoughts. I don’t call selfish or mean people out anymore. I don’t tell someone, who I feel is using me, that they are hurting my feelings or that I feel used. Instead, I try to quietly sit and observe what is happening inside of my head, then compartmentalize it all into bite size chunks that I can work with, and finally take actions that alter any negative state of mind. I am trying to strengthen the ability to walk away from situations and people that are hurtful and counterproductive to me and the life I am trying to build.

Recently, I was told once again that I am “so intense.” This keeps coming from someone who, quite clearly, doesn’t care at all about me and only seem to remember me when they need something. This statement, along with the callous actions, trigger strong emotions in me and an almost obsessive need to prove my worth. And that is what needs to stop.

I am intense. More so than almost anyone I know. But the thing is that I love this part about me. I want to tell this person that my intensity is not only a huge part of who I am, but a huge testament to my resilience. I want to tell them that it is a miracle that I never turned callous, selfish and heartless after all I’ve experienced. I want to state that my ability to feel so deeply, fully and intensely is my greatest asset. Alas, it would mean that person would actually have to know me and, as always, the most judgmental remarks usually come/came from those who didn’t have a clue about me.

When bad thoughts happen, I am learning now to slowly step away from the abyss and utilizing my two best friends for brain remapping – distraction and delay. I am getting better every day. I am becoming better in faking it, but by repeating these “fake” actions, I am transforming them into new, healthier and better habits. And yes, the transformation of my life so far is quite astounding.

The light is shining through more often than not these days. I guess, it is shining with the same intensity I seem to have. And wouldn’t you know it, that intensity attracts pretty awesome situations and people. What can I say? Lukewarm, mediocre and laid back is just not how I run – and that’s perfectly fine by me. I guess some of us are supernovas and we’re not meant to hang with Pluto.

Time is Precious

TimeTime is precious. It is by far one of the most important commodities in our lives. This is why it is important to treasure every moment and make the best out of things, no matter what.

As of late I have been paying more attention to how I spend my time and whom I spend it with. l realized how “careless” and freely I have given away my time to people and activities that weren’t worth it.

The thing is that I have always been very good about freely offering my time, help, heart and loyalty to anyone who’d ask for it. It didn’t occur to me that it was OK for me to ask for the same in return. I therefore found myself frequently around people who never seemed to be able to make any effort for me; and at times, didn’t even seem to care about me all that much. This made me an easy target for users, narcissists or selfish individuals.

Taking stock of what I do, how I do it and with whom, has made a huge difference in how I feel. I am less angry, because I don’t consistently feel being used. I am less sad or feeling bad, because I am able to prioritize my own wants and needs, clearly state boundaries and do more things I enjoy doing. I cut out the dialogue about things I should be doing, the feelings of obligation and most importantly, the self-imposed rules I had lived by for most of my life. Freedom of mind and heart came when I stopped worrying and deliberately did the opposite of what I used to do. I had a brand new outlook “what do I have to lose?” Turns out, I had everything to gain! I have felt more alive and happy and have had very little, mostly even no pain.

Being out in the world is extremely fun, provided one is fully present and alive. So, when it comes to your time, spend it wisely. I am learning that it is not just OK, but actually important to be choosy and selective. A friend recently told me that I should only give my all to someone who is worthy. I think “all” includes one’s time. So today, I am making new choices and these include not giving time to people who give nothing but only seem to remember me when they need or want something from me. Time, it’s precious, as is your heart – choose wisely whom you give them to. Choose people who are worthy of you and your time.

Dear Love,

Today I’m here to tell you that I love you, deeply and truly! You need to know this, because I’ve noticed that you are doing it again. You are doubting, feeling down and worse, you let the fear reign again.

Sweety, you are OK! It’s OK to still go through this. You’ve been trying, I know. You’ve been meditating, visualizing and you’ve purged so much. But, Darling, it takes time. Be patient, I swear it will work out. It always does, remember!?

I know you want to cite past experiences, situations and people, but they don’t matter. You are in the now, now! When you visualize, you’re creating memories from your future. I know that you still struggle with the self-love bit. I know you still sometimes cry when you are asked to visualize that; that’s ok. Because I’ve also noticed how often you laugh now; and how much joy and bliss you’ve experienced as of late.

See, you ARE holding the good thoughts much longer now. You haven’t given up. No, not you, my sweet little fighter. You defiantly wipe away those tears and try again. And that’s why it’ll work out. Your life is amazing, you are loved by so many, go and love yourself like they do. You can. Your light has been shining like a giant beacon. Look around at all these new faces in your life. They all have one thing in common – they smile at you. See, now you are drawing those who not only see you for who you are, but love you because of it. Let’s not disappoint them, by making their love and light meaningless, when we proclaim, if even in the smallest voice, doubts about that offering.

You are the light. You are magnificent and amazing in every way, because of who you are. So, listen well, sweet warrior goddess, I love you. Always and forever.

Love and Light,

Your Higher Self

Dance, Live, Love and Sing

Sometimes you just have to shake off the dust, jump up, start dancing and singing your own renditions of your favorite songs!

I think each and every one of us play so many different roles and wear so many masks that the true self becomes a bit murky after a while. When I was a kid I used to dance in front of the radio, wearing my mom’s robe like a cape and singing into a spoon. I didn’t know English, so I just sang whatever the words sounded like. I still do it! I can sing in German, English, French and Russian; maybe Portuguese! Instead of the robe, I tend to opt for no clothes. One has to be comfortable in one’s skin! Just for fun, I’ve decided to learn French. I like languages and who cares if I’m good or bad at it. I can still run around, laughing like crazy as I proudly proclaim “Je bois le vin rouge!”

The thing is, when we play, pretend, sing and dance we turn into the wide-eyed creators we were born as, before we were told that we shouldn’t, couldn’t and all that other crap that instilled doubt and shame in us. I don’t know about you but I love being a kid again, even if only in spirit.

I really don’t know why we put ourselves through the torture of always doing what we should, when there is so much fun to be had when we are doing whatever makes us happy. Maybe I’m simply wired wrong but whenever I see a cliff, I run towards it, raise my arms and yell “whee,” as I jump. Life is too short to always play it safe and to not get lost in possibility. There are so many things to do, places to see, worlds to conquer, cliffs to jump and laughter to be had. Find those who will support you and run aside you. Spend time with the creators, the happy ones, world travelers, warriors, gods, goddesses and other doers.

Live and love hard! The rest will fall into place!

The Heart of a Moonchild

When I was a child I used to have the most vivid imagination. I literally spent years dreaming up new worlds, people, situations and identities. I had wings and didn’t care for reality, or better what people told me was real or possible/not possible and not real. I constantly reinvented myself and didn’t care if the new creation was one people deemed acceptable or not.

This part always stayed with me. It’s the very core of my being. Yes, I’d try to hide it and shut it down, but how can you shut off your core? So, out of necessity, I created numerous versions of myself; sadly, often versions I thought other people wanted or needed me to be. This turned the simple act of love often into agony.

See, when I was a child I learned how to truly see the true core of others; before it was corrupted, morphed, distorted, damaged and surrounded by walls. I got in trouble for it. I was often accused of seeing the world through rose-colored glasses, being a dreamer, detached, unfocused and way too sensitive. My mom would punish me for it, my teachers would note it in my report cards and my friends would scold me for it, instructing me how to “toughen up.” To me, this was my magic power. I was able to see potential, where others didn’t. I saw beauty in things others missed. And of course, this ability scared the living crap out of many. It’s difficult for some to be around a person who cannot be lied to, speaks truth at all cost and, to quote a few, would hold up a mirror to them, showing them who they really are; not who they want others to see.

There were labels for me, so many labels: intense, scary, judgmental, too much, fierce, the wild card, too honest, too open, not filtered enough, in dire need of a drink or drug; and the saddest of all: too sensitive. I tried to be less and tone down my being, but honestly, I didn’t like myself very much when I was censored, subdued and guarded. And again, love would be agony.

How could I be me, all of me, without drawing those who needed my energy to sustain, or those who would run from the tornado I was? How could I fall in love deeply and safely and be loved back just as deeply? I felt so lost in a world that, to me, seemed mostly filled with people who struck me as cold, self-absorbed, angry, broken and void of magic.

The answers came slowly and over years. I had to simply let go of the world and the people in it. I had to see and be my own magic. I had to reach within and stop looking to the outside. I started dancing again – alone, when no one was watching. I started singing more, laughing, crying, feeling and exploring – alone. I fell in love again, deeply and fiercely, with my beautiful, magical and fragile, sensitive, yet amazingly strong core. I’d sweep her up in my arms, spin until we were dizzy, hold her close and tell her that she is loved; just the way she is and exactly for who she is.

People will always judge me, good and bad, but it doesn’t really matter so much anymore. As long as I can truly love myself and stand in who I am firmly and strongly, I can trust, let go of any attachment and know that each Moonchild has their stars-in-eyes, strong hearted and fierce warrior, who will sweep her up, take her by the hand and love her fiercely and truly, because she is so sensitive.


And this, so much this!

You Don’t Need A Man, You Need a Goddamn Warrior.
Kate RoseVia Kate Roseon Aug 12, 2015

Warning: naughty language ahead!

To my sweet wild woman, I know why it hasn’t worked out with anyone else—you don’t need a man, but a goddamn warrior.

You are the strength of Turkish coffee at sunrise darlin’ and don’t try to pretend that you’re not.

You are one of the wild ones, and no matter how you tried to hide that fact, you can’t be anything other than what you are—and that’s okay. You are just as you are supposed to be, magnificently wild in all of your chaotic beauty.

I know you’ve had your heart broken and I know that you don’t understand why it always seems to never work out, but I’ve finally figured it out:

You don’t need a man, you need a goddamn warrior.

It doesn’t matter if this warrior drives a Jeep or a shiny sports car, and it won’t matter if he wears silk or cotton—it will not even matter if he works in a high-rise, or on the night shift.

What is going to matter is that when it comes to taking bets on your heart, he is going to be high stakes—all the way.

This warrior of yours will crave your strength, and your intensity. He’s going to look at you and not see something to tame, but something to just fuckin’ admire. This warrior of yours won’t be someone that you can manipulate or play with as you have in the past, so honey, don’t even try—and trust me, you’re going to love him even more because of it.

Because you aren’t just a woman, you’re a goddamn goddess.

Your fierceness is going to bring him to his knees every single time he looks into your gorgeous eyes, but the difference is, unlike the others, he isn’t going to be scared off. No, this time, you will have finally met your match—because a simple man for you just won’t do.

You need someone to match the fire in your eyes with his own. Not only that, my little wild thing, but this warrior of yours is going to want to encourage the flames instead of trying to douse them with his own insecurities.

Because for you, a warrior is the only man who will ever live in the wild with you.

He may not have to slay any dragons to earn your love, but he would still walk through fire if it meant seeing that amazing smile that you hold in reserve for only him.

This is the thing, free spirit, this warrior you seek….he’s seeking you too.

For he’s had failed relationships that have left him wondering if maybe he was meant to be alone for the rest of his journey—and you’re going to change all of that for him. You both have been travelling along on your separate journeys and have been doing an okay job at it, but that about to change too.

Because baby, when you and this warrior of yours meet and collide—it’s going to be a love set on fire.

Don’t try to run this time—I know your heart has been broken before, and that you’re not used to things working out, but this time it’s different. Give yourself time to see that.

This warrior of yours needs to see that it’s possible for someone to see all of his wild, and still be there when he craves his freedom and ventures off into this world for a bit. You won’t always need to follow him, just as he won’t always follow you. Let yourself stay wild, even when all you want to do is curl up in that spot along his side and forget the rest of the world exists.

Let yourself still wander naked under the full moon, and drink moonshine with the stars. Let yourself feel the pull of the wind on your heart, and the sun toward a new journey. Because this warrior is going to love you because of your wild—and he’ll want you to keep it.

You’ll be in this together now, this amazing, crazy, chaotic, wonderfully heartbreaking life—because it takes a warrior to love a goddess. And it takes a goddess to show a warrior what real love is.

So pack up your insecurities and your ideas about picket fences, because that was never you anyway. You were born knowing that you were destined for more, and now is the time for you to see what all those dreams look like.

There is no stopping a love like this, so promise me you’ll hold out just a little bit longer.

Have a little bit of hope, and always give love just one more try, because I promise you my sweet wild woman—the love that you seek is seeking you as well.