The Warrior Goddess

Now that it’s still enough, I can actually hear my heart again.

It’s been two years of agonizing heart break for me, desperately trying to put myself back together; and failing quite spectacularly. I guess I’m a great runner. It’s quite astounding how fast I can run and how numb I can go. Here I was thinking that my heart was aching, when the complete lack of tears should have given away how closed off I truly was. But nothing like my old companion of fibromyalgia to remind me again that shutting off one’s heart always lends a great hand to my mind to make the pain a physical reality.  Shut down by pain and fear I had buried myself in my cave, unwilling and unable to come back out. I rarely felt so dead in my life. And then back comes “the other one.”

I guess when all is said and done I’ll always find the warrior goddess in me. The one who puts up one hell of a fight and lives, loves and experiences deeply, fiercely and without fear. There is a reason my mom affectionately called me “kleine Hexe,” German for little witch but in the sense of enchantress, powerful, wise, little one. See, when I was a girl I saw with such clarity; and then I grew up. I guess the world has a way to kill the magic right out of you.

Maybe one can say that I woke up again. It started about three months ago, after experiencing another disappointment, but suddenly thought loud and clear “ha! You know what time it is? It’s fuck this shit o’clock,” And off I went like a rocket.

I did it all at once: started yoga again, added Bikram, swimming, took a seminar “thoughts become things,” started meditating, visualizing and reading again. I’d sit visualizing, repeating the mantra “I don’t know how and when, but it will all work out, because I’m coming back into my power again.” I created a vision board; and I allowed all this stagnant energy to drain. I’d meditate and cry, because I couldn’t believe the messages; at first. But slowly my world started to change. With each moment, day and breath my vision board started to manifest. The images deeply carved into my subconscious mind took form. And then something else happened! My heart resuscitated.

I sit here now on an island, figuratively and literally speaking as I’m in Maui, all alone to celebrate my birthday and my rebirth. I am not quite used to be so open and raw, but how glorious it is to be so alive, to feel everything so vividly and strongly. The pain is getting purged. This poison that ran it all, my mind, body and heart is getting extracted with each passing day.

In a way I’m like the Phoenix; sometimes you gotta die in the fire so you can be reborn in the ashes. There is a small voice that whispers “Ah, but if you are open, you are vulnerable.” Is that so? Well, there will always be some voice that is going to whisper small, doubting and hurtful words. All I’ll do is tilt my head, ever so lightly, listen, acknowledge and then send it packing. Pain may be a part of life, but so is joy, wonder, amusement, ecstasy, happiness and love.

Thoughts become things. I’m going to give mine wings, strength, courage and power. I’ll keep looking at my board, visualize my new reality, put a stupid grin on my face and just for good measure dance naked through my living room to my own music and the beat of my own drum.

When you can remember the warrior and goddess within, manifesting seems such an easy task. Just rip out the sword and slash the shackles that bind you to pieces.

Thoughts become wings. Thoughts become things. Thoughts are reality manifesting right in front of you. So be mindful of every thought and moment, because you may have crashed but you can always soar again. Quitting and running is for losers, but not ever for warriors,


Rejection – Part II

Rejection

Having talked yesterday about rejection being a good thing, because we generally have something/someone better waiting for us, I’d like to talk today about the deserved rejection we get when we stubbornly refuse to learn a lesson. However, make no mistake, even when rejection occurs due to our own actions, it is still a good thing and here is why.

As previously stated, I do believe that we always get exactly what we are asking for. Remember, thoughts DO become things. However, this very process spells out disaster for all of those who have low/no self-confidence, are broken, haven’t done any soul searching and just allow their fears to run rampant. Again, in order to keep it real, I will use myself as the example, to demonstrate how sometimes we are our own worst enemy.

I am an extremist. I don’t do moderation well, so when I choose to engage in anything, be it a sport, a certain look, getting a tattoo, liking or disliking someone, or a job and loving or hating, I do so 200%, all the way, with nothing left in the middle.This extreme way of being sometimes works extraordinarily well; especially in my career. My passion about always doing the right thing, no matter what, works great in an environment where I am catching bad people and attempt to stop them from doing bad things to others. However, when I take this passion of mine and apply it randomly to everything in my life, I often end up creating situations I didn’t quite hope for. To say it bluntly, I can be a tornado, that comes in, swirls and twists and runs over everything in its path. I suffer from eternal diarrhea of the mouth and instead of measured and well thought out responses, I just say and do whatever seems like a good idea at the time. Don’t get me wrong, there is beauty in my honesty, but there is no beauty in putting someone on the spot, expecting them to work, think or feel as fast as I do. Moderation is the better way and while I’ve been working hard on being better in that department, I still fail at times.

So when I think of some of the times I have been rejected, I can clearly see that the outcome may have been in my favor, had I only slowed down and presented my thoughts and feelings honestly, but not forcefully. My highly analytical mind has done a great job in understanding that sometimes, well, I created my own disappointment. It also made me realize that my approach needs some tweaking and that altering a behavior does not mean you are doing so, because “no one accepts you the way you are,” but because you want to be the best you can be and create space for only the best people to come in. Being imbalanced will rarely bring in the highest caliber of situations and people. This is the absolute of the law of attraction. Like-minded energy attracts each other.

I often cursed those experiences that left me heartbroken and shattered, but only in the moment. In hindsight, the sum of my experiences made me the person that I am. It allowed me to clearly figure out not only who I really am, but what I really need and want in my life. It allowed me to create, manifest and visualize the things that make me happy, even though this process is hard work. It requires brutal honesty with oneself and absolute authenticity in all your ways of being. It means that you have to be vigilant, about each and every word, thought and feeling you have and extend into the world, and understand how they actually shape your reality. Happiness requires accountability, never blame and finger pointing. 

Which brings me to my last piece of advice, which I am going to give straight from my heart: Don’t ever, ever roll your past into the present or future! Yes, we create, map and draw into existence based on the things we know, but if you are not sure if what you know is enough, watch those who are doing it right, or get help from an expert. Find someone who can help you keeping it real. Someone who will honestly tell you if you are “doing it again,” whatever the false and destructive feeling and thought may be that compels you to potentially make another stupid mistake.

Don’t punish, project and accuse people of things someone else has done before, therefore pushing away the ones who should be in your life. Each day and each experience is new and offers a completely blank canvas and clean slate. The past served its purpose in making you the person that you are today; and this is where it ends. Now go into the world and land that amazing new job, start that new project and if you are single, find the person who takes your breath away and helps you evolve into the person you are meant to be, allowing you to live  an absolute extraordinary life.


Why You Should Jump For Joy When You Are Rejected

Rejection

 

Most of my life I used to be one of the people who would feel terribly sad when someone rejected me. It didn’t matter if it was in jobs, friendships or relationships, rejection was always a huge slap in the face. I’d take it personal and wonder what I did, or why I wasn’t good enough. It never occurred to me that maybe rejection is the best thing that could have happened to me. It also didn’t occur to me that what I think I wanted or needed so badly was, in fact, the worst that could have been.

There is a whole story behind being a victim of “I never get what I want.” The truth is, that we generally get exactly what we want and just ignore the fact that we managed to manipulate ourselves into thinking that this is the best we can do. It doesn’t matter if we span this construct over jobs, friends or relationships. I’d like to use the relationship example!

Remember the time when you first met that person that ended up cheating on you, hurting you, letting you down, leaving you or otherwise wrong you? Remember how great they looked on paper, how much you lusted after them, or simply projected whatever you wanted to see, therefore happily ignoring all the red flags he/she threw up way before it got too serious or too emotionally charged for you to walk away. We do a fine job in looking the other way when we really want something or someone, or have a wrong sense of loyalty attached to those who don’t deserve it. We are also not very honest in that process. We are, however, amazing in crying over the fact that we attracted, yet again, another person who wasn’t “the one.”

I’m going to make it a bit personal for a moment. I look back on the relationships that seriously failed; meaning, I got my heart shredded into pieces, to the point where I thought I could never repair it again. Each and every time, I knew from the beginning that this is going to end in severe tragedy. I could tell he was <—insert deal breaker here, and deliberately ignored it. I would reason with myself by saying that I had not enough information, that I may be wrong, that I may have misinterpreted the words and actions and the worst of all, that he may change (his mind/being). I stubbornly ignored all signs, including those that would have made it abundantly clear that this isn’t the person I should be with. See, they remained exactly who they were the entire time, it was I who wanted more respect, love or care than they could have ever given me to begin with.

Now, looking back on my own behavior, I can say that being rejected or treated in ways that were hurtful or unkind, was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The thing is that the jobs and people I lost were always replaced with much better situations, provided I didn’t go and do the same mistake again! If I would have stood firmly in what I believe, who I am, what I want and what I need, I would have gotten that. Instead, I settled because of a deep rooted belief that maybe this is as good as it gets, or maybe that I owed them love, help or care. It never even occurred to me that not having them in my life was much better than being miserable and having to censor myself around them all the time.

I pay a lot of attention these days. Not to what someone is doing, but to how I am feeling. My gut is a great guide and much better advisor than my emotions or my head. I find that I, and my friends, all talk too much. Round and round we go in circles why this situation is so frustrating and below us, all the while doing absolutely nothing. I am becoming a doer more and more. I don’t analyze anymore why this and that is off, or why I liked someone or a situation that clearly spells out disaster, I just acknowledge it and do my best to walk away before it becomes an issue. Notice that it doesn’t even have to be a disaster, maybe it’s simply not what you want. Settling is also not our friend.

I realize that the same person has made an appearance in my life over and over, showing up as a boss, co-worker, friend or partner. It is the egotistical, narcissistic, disloyal, severely damaged, dishonest with themselves and others, not-quite-able-to-feel-at-all type that neither loves me, nor nourishes or positively adds to my life type. The person that keeps leaving me drained, tired and questioning my very core of being. The type that lashes out, accuses me of stuff, ungrateful and entitled; the type who never changes, sometimes talks a whole lot or not at all, but never acts. The lazy type that tells everyone how self-aware they are, when they have no clue how they are affecting others, or who they really are, because actually standing in integrity would be way too much work for them. You know, this includes the finger pointers and eternal victims, who are never to blame for anything.

Here is what I do know. I know that I am lovable, deserving, successful, competent, sexy and awesome because I am who I am in its entirety. There is nothing wrong with me and it isn’t my job to figure out why I am not enough for some, or apparently, merely an ego booster or temporary distraction for others. It is my job to recognize when someone treats me in ways I don’t wish to be treated, continuously oversteps and ignores my boundaries, is talking behind my back, or deliberately uses or hurts me. It is then also my job to walk away, without the long diatribe about why they are asshats. It suffices to understand that they are not serving my greatest good and as such, are not suitable, or allowed to be a part of my life.

So, while I am still sometimes off, at least they are doing me a great service by walking away and/or rejecting me. Thank you! Thank you for saving me the time to find out the hard way that you are not it, or wasting years of my life with your BS. Thank you for understanding that you don’t belong into my life and chose to run for the hills. You think you can do better? Well, so do I! See you, never. With love.


Hookups Suck – Because You Are A Woman

despicable me minions

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Last week I was lectured again about my “inability to just have fun and go with the flow.” The conclusion and supposed reason for my behavior was given in a voice that was slightly amused and belittling, “of course you feel that way. You are a woman.” I find this label not just annoying, but insulting. As if being a woman means something negative, or would take away from my strength, somehow make me weak or inferior. Your idea of fun and my idea of fun may vary monumentally. And my idea of fun is not simply getting laid; and here is why.

I am actually no different than most people in what I find attractive. I gravitate towards men who know the meaning of integrity, are smart, ambitious, funny, witty, decisive, confident and intuitive; intuitive enough to be self-aware, while understanding how his actions and words affect those around him. In order for me to be attracted enough to want to sleep with someone, I need to see traces of these traits. Simply put, a man who cannot stimulate my brain and parts of my heart won’t get into my pants either. Stop saying it’s because I am a woman!

Over my lifetime I have met both, men and women, that are wired just like me and some that are the exact opposite. Good for you if you can have casual sex and compartmentalize, but why do you assume or speak as if my way is inferior and a huge weakness? Is it a flaw to crave true, authentic bonds and experience intimacy first? Maybe I feel that jumping into bed with someone I’m not even comfortable enough spending a day with is shallow; but unlike you, I do not judge if that is what you want. Do what floats your boat and makes you happy. Trust me, it’s not because you are a man, or a woman wired like a man. What does that even mean? I crave connection, because it’s how I am built, end of story.

I have always found it dissatisfying to wake up next to someone I am not really close to. Trust me, I’ve tried it. I am human and got carried away for the illusion of closeness or a projection of what I needed to see on numerous occasions. Yes, sometimes I just wanted someone next to me. However, the outcome never changed. I felt empty, kind of skittish and couldn’t wait to get away. As a whole, I am sensitive, super sensitive even, and my heart is a fragile thing that requires tending to. I do not expect another to do that for me, but I do expect others to respect that bit about me. I don’t need to be ridiculed for it and told “you really need to loosen up and have some fun.” It isn’t fun to me to go through a motion. My body doesn’t respond too well if I am not connected. Quite on the contrary! I find it anxiety inducing and agonizing if I liked someone enough to sleep with them and didn’t know if he would want me back, or just used me to have some fun.

There are all these labels: serial dater, serial monogamist, super sensitive, too tense, too much, too intense, boring, too organized, not spontaneous enough, blah, blah, blah! Here is my answer: YAY FOR ME! If my inability to just hop into bed with someone, before I feel potential for something more makes me too predictable then I’d rather be predictable, boring and lame. If my willingness to spend months without a warm body, because I’m rather at home by myself and doing Netflix marathons, or traveling to an exciting destination (there is my idea of being spontaneous), takes away from the game, well, then I’ll rather not play. Having to be elusive, mysterious, hard to get and standoffish, while pretending to not be all that interested is too exhausting. If the idea of “going with the flow” means I am not “allowed” to plan anything, ask him out too soon (what is it again, a three day rule?), or god forbid, tell him how much I like him and how I’d love to date him exclusively, is cramping his style, then he is simply not right for me. I will not pretend to be something or someone I am not.

I happen to believe that our society’s inability to truly connect open and honestly, without filters, while putting ourselves fully out there, regardless of the outcome, is sad and disheartening. I don’t take pleasure in plastic and shallow and I surely will not play games. See, I happen to really like myself and dare I say, love myself enough to understand that who I am and what I am is just fine, including the fact that I am not mysterious or hard to get. The way I view the world and the people in it, along with my desire to leave this planet in a better state than the one I found it in, requires an equal, not just to recognize these qualities in me, but to find them attractive, lovable and desirable. I am not merely a walking vagina. Anyone who really thinks that the ability to manipulate certain parts of the anatomy and make them respond a certain way is awesome and his only strength is not someone I want to be with. I find a man who is able and willing to connect and feel much more intriguing and inspiring than the dude who can screw his way through hours of marathon sex, while priding himself on his ability to make a woman come.

Craving true and authentic connection and intimacy is what I want, who I am and choose to be. Stop telling me that it’s a bad thing. Why would I want mundane, when I can have extraordinary. So, I’m going to sit on my planet, knowing that I am fine just the way I am, because I am me, and not because I am a woman, not because I am weak, needy or boring. I am me, and while my heart may get broken and trampled on much more than those who can disconnect and compartmentalize, I’m still willing to keep putting myself out there and try again. It’s the idealist in me, you know?


The Construct of Reality

slow-down-to-go-fast-5-638
Recently I attended a seminar and learned a few more cool things about brain mapping. While I knew most of the stuff that was presented, I did not know how they all come into play together. I’m going to geek out for a moment, but also hope that this will help others to understand the true potential they have.
There are thousands of thoughts that rush through our brains on a daily basis. Most of them are so fast that we never even knew we’ve had them. Yet, the fast brain actually dictates the majority of our reality. The fast brain is the one that recognizes patterns and continuously searches for mapping clues. In other words, the fast brain maps the surroundings, then seeks out familiar people, scenarios and places that it can connect to previous experiences. The fast brain acts on only one thing: the world as we know it.

So what is the fast brain? It is the instinct, your “animal” brain and it does not discriminate between good and bad. It merely maps. This is why people keep repeating the same cycles and keep making the same decisions, hence, finding themselves in the same relationships and outcomes, year after year, time after time. Our fast brain mapped, recognized based on the existing database, then pulled the experience into existence; because we flock to what we know.
Luckily for us, we also have the slow brain, also known as the methodical side. This one does not act on compulsion, but actually responds to decisions that are well thought out, envisioned, wanted and desired. This is where your ability lies to change a pattern; and where your free will comes into play!
When talking about the slow brain, let’s also talk about your two best friends that will help you with the rewiring – procrastination and distraction. Yes, in the context of rewiring your brain patterns and impulses, it is not only OK, but necessary to use these two traits. Let me give you an example. Let’s say you want to lose weight and you seem to lack total control when it comes to sweets. If you can fool the brain, by ignoring the impulse to reach for the cookies, let’s say, and just simply decide to wait (I use gaming to keep me distracted), your brain will, after a while, learn that the impulse doesn’t mean you are hungry, no matter how you feel and that  the urge will cease. The impulse may appear as true and real, for example being super hungry or starving, when all we are doing is experiencing an impulse, based on conditioned action. Slowing the impulse down is our friend and allows us to get back in touch with our true will.
How does this shape your true will, you may ask. Well, as human beings we often feel as if we are merely pinballs, mercilessly thrown around by emotions, seemingly random thoughts, impulses and whims. It appears as if we have no or very little control over what happens, because we keep ending up in the same situation, even though we may have moved; well, sometimes across the globe. Even though we truly changed the environment! It’s just that no matter where we go and what we do, we assess with lighting speed, unbeknownst to us, the one thing that is familiar, even if that’s the one thing we no longer want.

The beauty is, once you are aware and understand how your brain maps and how you are able to use the slow brain to dictate what you think and how you respond, you will also start attracting different outcomes. As you reinforce the new patterns, by visualization, meditation, or just acting, the fast brain will start mapping the new thoughts to match it up with the appropriate experience and outcome.

Thoughts become things, as Mike Dooley always says and you and your life are, in fact, a complete product of what you think. This is also how cognitive behavioral therapy works, btw. You delay the response, sit with the experience until you learn that absolutely nothing happens, contrary to what your brain tells you, which is to run or act. With this new knowledge you can start literally creating your life as you see fit; and the sky truly is the limit!


Thoughts, Beliefs and Other Stuff

poster-happy-feel-less-med

For the past few months I have done quite a bit of soul searching. I did my “infinite possibilities” training and started meditating and visualizing again. Within these new parameters I discovered a few interesting truths about me. Some of them are pretty amazing and others are not so inspiring. The most important part I’ve re-learned is that my subconscious selection process in regards to my life choices showed some interesting patterns I wasn’t aware of. OK, let me rephrase that, maybe I was aware of the patterns to a degree, but not so much about the power I have to choose. I had truly forgotten.

In the past I was often baffled by my ability to make fairly good career moves. Sure, I can report some failures, but for the most part I had chosen pretty well when it came to my professional life. I was also pretty good in visualizing and creating most material things I’ve wanted, like cars and my house. My friend selections can be reported as quite successful, too. Again, a few choices resulted in failure, but the overall outcome was good and I still have a handful of super close friends I’ve had for more than 10 years. 

My health has always been challenging, starting when I was in 1st grade. However, I can report that I dealt with my challenges quite well; and still do. I never gave in and I never gave up and while I am often in a lot of pain, fibromyalgia doesn’t get the best of me. I can honestly report that the refusal to give up and choosing how I look at my condition keeps the outcome under enough control to not fall into complete and utter despair and instead, live a fairly qualitative life. The one thing I never truly mastered was relationships of the romantic kind. Again, not all were bad. As a matter of fact, the majority of them were decent. However, just like with the few bad friends I had, the small handful of bad relationships were so bad that they managed to instill certain negative behavioral patterns, because I had come to believe that my inability to “foresee” the outcome and to pick the right partner, meant that I was somehow deficient, incompetent, unworthy and non-deservant. It never occurred to me that these beliefs were lies. It never occurred to me that, besides choosing to be there and stay, it truly wasn’t my fault when people treated me badly.

One of my friends and role models recently posted Part 1 of this article on FB. I am going to post part 2, but you can read part 1 by clicking on the link on the top.

http://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner-part-2.html

Along with all the things I’ve learned recently, this article hit me like a ton of bricks; in a good way! I am now understanding that it is all my choice and with that comes a strange new freedom. I finally start to see that the “romantic” notion of love is not what makes a relationship successful. I’ve learned this lesson just recently, when I realized how much easier it was to be with someone I consider my best friend (the one who can withstand the “traffic test”), the one who can make me feel home (not judging me by superficial standards, having enough in common with me and giving me a genuine feeling of belonging) and finally, a person who is determined, or shall I say, committed to being with me and consistently act, speak and choose in ways that demonstrate said commitment. All the other stuff is fluff!

There used to be a time when I had checkboxes – I got rid of them. No, it doesn’t mean I dropped all my standards. I had to learn the difference between standards and superficial ego as well. I used to feel guilty for wanting someone who is financially stable. It didn’t even mean super rich. It meant that he is able to take care of himself and that he has ambition and passion, because I am a person with a lot of ambition and passion. I am someone who strives to have the best life possible and I can’t have that with someone who is unstable – financially, emotionally, mentally and physically. I used to feel guilty for having the minimum standards, because I despised superficial people my entire life. Until I realized that hair color, body type, car and all this other “fluff” meant nothing. Yes, I have one “superficial” thing (he has to be taller than me) and I found that it’s OK to want that. I also understand that there has to be initial attraction and chemistry, although I have to say that what causes this “spark” has drastically changed over the past 10 years.

There was a time when I had a type. My type has always been super tall and “unusual” looking. Long hair, tattoos, goth/punk/rock look, piercings, etc. drew me big time. I’d seek these types out and stubbornly refused to date a “normal” guy. I failed to accept for the longest time that these were not only unimportant traits, but that these were utterly wrong choices for me. With the look usually came a lifestyle, a way of being and speaking that didn’t fit me at all! I had nothing in common with the extreme types, because, as it turns out, I was way too normal and grounded for them. I thought that looks do not define a person, because I always felt that my looks didn’t define me. And while we may not always be able to judge a book by its cover, we can judge by who they are being, after numerous encounters and having spent enough time and space with them. Deep down inside I held another wrong belief, namely that people that looked different were different; in a self-confident, successful and sexy kind of way, which meant that being with someone like that would make me equally as self-confident and awesome. The belief was false and in many ways, I paid for it with a lot of heartache and sorrow. Until I learned the truth!

The truth, as it turns out, was that the looks were less important and didn’t account for chemistry! Sure, initial attraction matters, but what trumped all was how a person makes me feel, consistently. I suddenly found myself looking at everyone, but especially men, in a completely different light. I paid attention to how people made me feel and to what they’d bring out in me. There are some people, places and situations that just make you feel amazing and continuously bring out the best in you, therefore challenging you to grow and keep getting better in life. The trick was simply to have more of those experiences and less, if not to say none, of the negative, draining and disappointing experiences. It was a matter of choice, a matter of changing my mind and a matter of changing “my vibration,” if you will. False beliefs, insecurity, fear, sadness and anger only attracted the same into my life. I had to stop being these things, in order to stop attracting them into my life. I had to stop believing that I was this flawed and horrible person, based on what other people had done, said and chosen!

I now feel a change in my mind. It’s not as tangible and not quite as steady as I want it to yet, but so far it brings a certain peace of mind, happiness and laughter into my life. I am, for the first time, thrilled to be me – alone! I don’t need anyone to make me happy. I want someone who is willing and able to contribute. I am not willing to settle for just a body by my side. I have decided to rather be alone than with the wrong person. I have decided that happy, peaceful and awesome people are welcome, wanted and allowed. I have decided that each and every one of us has a wavelength, a frequency on which we are sending if you will, and that I want my partner to be on the same channel and frequency, sending vibes of laughter, love and awesomeness. When I die, I want to do so with a smile on my face, knowing that I conquered my demons and lived the life I was meant to have and deserved with every part of my being. So in closing, I’d like to add the following from TUT – A Note from the Universe:

Having preferences doesn’t mean you’re judgmental. Carmen, whether they’re likes or dislikes. They just ensure that as the  winds of divinity are blown through your heart, the melody is unlike any other. So have them, Carmen. Have them BIG time. – The Universe –


(Not) The One

The one

Some of the best ideas for writing come to me when talking to friends and yesterday, one such conversation took place. My friend expressed regret for not pursuing the “one who got away.” Without going into too much detail, the story unfolded somewhat like this. He was with “the one” for almost 3 years. She dumped him for an ex. He felt strongly that if it was meant to be – and there was true love between them – she’d be back. Based on this belief, he decided to not chase after her. She never came back and that is where he thinks he may have failed. He felt he should have “fought for her.” I, however, disagree. I feel he did the right thing and I don’t think he lost “the one.”

I am not going to speak for others, but the way I see it is like this. When someone leaves me, it isn’t my “duty” to chase after him; unless I caused the breakup. When someone chooses someone else over me, I see absolutely no reason to attempt winning that person back. Being dumped is bad enough; but losing my dignity, too, while attempting talking someone into being with me, especially someone who clearly does not want me, makes no sense. I am not saying that people don’t make mistakes. I am not saying that someone who leaves shouldn’t be forgiven or even be taken back. But it isn’t my responsibility to make it happen. I feel that the one who broke the agreement and the trust should be responsible for reestablishing the bond, and actually do the work to make it happen. 

The truth is, at least in my experience, those who dump you generally don’t come back. The reasons are plentiful and include shame, guilt and “feeling bad,” but sometimes the reason is much more simple: They didn’t want me! They chose someone else over me and not only moved on, but forgot about me. I was a temporary solution to maybe fill a need. No amount of pain on my side, no amount of chasing and sorrow, guilt trips or anger will change that. I wasn’t it, someone else was/is. Done – end of story.

See, I expect anyone who is a grown-up to do the right thing and own up to their mistakes. So when someone walks out on me, I’ll do absolutely nothing. As crappy as it sounds, I’ll suffer, mostly silently, because nothing is worse than being dumped by someone you loved AND having your friends beat you up for missing him. But no matter how much I hurt, I will not contact him. And yes, if that means he is lost to me forever, it gives me all the answers I needed – including the one that hurts the most: he didn’t love me and he doesn’t want me back. The “he will see what he’s lost once is gone” is BS. I don’t buy it. Nah, he doesn’t see that he’s lost a precious thing, or he wouldn’t have left to begin with/been back already.

The most destructive pattern we can fall prey to is beating ourselves up for not having been enough. Nothing beats down one’s dignity and self-worth more than chasing after someone who doesn’t want us. I’m not saying that one should be a self-righteous jerk. But I am saying that it isn’t up to you to pursue any person who disrespects, hurts, lies or walks out on you. As such, I have always upheld the simple policy of “you think I’m not worth spending time and space with or being with? Well, that’s OK. I’ll miss you, I’ll morn you, but there’s the door.”

If a person who is supposed to respect, love and care for you does not find it necessary to come after you and clean up their mess, if someone has no ability to apologize, own up to their crap and fix it, then they are simply not worth it. All that means is that they would do it again. It takes self-reflection, humility, integrity and decency to truly own up to being an ass and why would you want to be with someone who has neither of these traits? Your worth is not determined by others. It is determined by yourself; so when you allow people to treat you a certain way and then go and chase after them, you essentially say that it is OK for them to mistreat you. I don’t know about you, but that’s not the message I want to send.

I am using a simple philosophy in life for both, friends and  relationships. If I screw up, I’ll clean up my mess and attempt to make it right. If they deny me this opportunity, well, I can at least say that I tried. But if a trusted and loved friend, partner or family member betrays me or walks out on me, I’ll let them go. I choose to be around those who know that their life wouldn’t be as bright without me in it – even though I am not perfect and can be a royal pain in the butt. But that is love and exactly what I want in my life. Life is too short to chase people who don’t give a damn. If someone leaves and doesn’t come back, it’s because they don’t want you, not because you “let them go.” 


I’m Not Ready (Nor Will You Ever Be)

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Life is all about opportunities. It’s about chances and about not always knowing what will happen. Life happens, love happens and work happens and often, the best things happen in the most inopportune times. Grabbing the bull by the horns and ceasing the moment is the one thing that will make us stronger, help us learn and allows us to really learn from mistakes, as well as figure out what we truly want and need.

A huge copout I hear from people is “I am not ready.” Interestingly enough, when I look back on my life, I can honestly say that this is one of the few statements I’ve never made. Ready? Ready for what?

The thing is that each and everyone of us has issues, baggage, problems, flaws, things we battle and pasts we are dealing with. Every person has made mistakes, maybe some rather big ones, and maybe some smaller ones. No one is perfect; and that’s OK! Personally, I always felt that the strange idiosyncrasies and flaws people have often made them more beautiful, likable and lovable. The point is that, the older we get, the more we actually may shoulder in terms of how we feel and what we are battling. I’d like to believe that I am one of the people who consistently and steadily works on her stuff – sometimes more successfully than other times, but at least I am not giving up. However, I have yet to find the point where I can say “Yep! I am ready.” That thought honestly never comes to my mind. What ever life throws at me, I tend to be more in the “yay” mode than think “oh dear, what will I do now, because I am not ready.

I have come to believe that saying I’m not ready is a really bad excuse for saying I am too afraid to act. Maybe I didn’t want to act, or do what would bring me to the next level. Maybe I am lazy, maybe I am a procrastinator and maybe I don’t have the tools and don’t know how, so instead of acquiring them, I am just going to distract myself from the issue at hand and when life strikes, I’ll retreat into my shell and whine that I wasn’t ready.

I have found one thing to be true. I am never truly ready for the big stuff. But… I am willing to give it a shot. I am willing to acquire the tools I may still lack and I am willing to jump right in and make a decision. There is a cliff over there? Oh yay! Let me run right up and jump off of it!
To my surprise I generally found that I was perfectly able and in that sense ready to deal with whatever came my way. While I may have suffered set backs and heartbreak, I never really shied away from giving it my best and going for it. There is something truly empowering of being in the moment like that, even if it may lead to failure!

In my twenties I had an excellent therapist, Dr. Fulmer, who once told me that everything I do in life depends on only one thing – making a decision! The confusion, the fear, the stress and anxiety all stem from the simple inability or unwillingness to decide. Because when we decide, provided we are people with integrity, we actually have to DO something. We can no longer hide behind excuses and cliches like “I’m not ready.” When we say “yes” we have to do whatever it takes to support that decision and when we say “no” we also have to do what it takes to support that decision; and we forfeit the right to complain about a bad thing, if we are not willing to make the decision to leave it!

I believe that sometimes, based on the state of mind I am in, things might be challenging, difficult and seem impossible. But I’d also like to think that I am always ready. Not being ready is like hitting the lottery and keep on waiting for another ticket to win; meanwhile holding the first winning one in hand, unable to do anything with it.

With all of that, I’d like to now share this TED talk on vulnerability. I guess this demonstrates yet again that maybe, we didn’t think we were ready, but some of us are at least willing to still do, instead of claiming we’ve tried (which is the equivalent to really not doing anything).


I’m A Good Woman – So What?

inside_your_head__by_lightchaserHow often have you sat aside a female friend, who was bawling because her relationship ended, while repeating “I’m a good woman. Why can’t he see that?” For some reason, when things go bad, we have a tendency to sit there and rattle off all of our good traits – “I’m smart. I’m successful. I am pretty. I am…. And I am a good woman.” But is that really what we should be going on about?

A week ago I created a vision board. I’ve spent 3 hours carefully selecting words and visuals I had printed out, found in magazines and bought in sticker form. I created a giant visual to remind me what I stand for and what I truly want in life. Why am I mentioning this here? Because I think when we keep sitting around and desperately attempt to tell us that we are “good women” we are missing the point completely.

Getting what we want in life has little to do with being a good woman or not. It has, however, everything to do with honesty, accountability and integrity. Everyone experiences hardships and loss. But if we keep finding ourselves staring at the ruins of yet another failed relationship, or worse, marriage, it’s time to look at our core character and personality traits; namely when it comes to how much stock we put in truth/honesty, accountability and integrity.

Let’s look at truth and honesty. When we choose the same bad situations and people time and time again, regardless if we are doing it in our professional lives or personal relationships, we are violating the principals of truth and honesty – especially with ourselves. We all have instincts and gut feelings. These tell us usually from the get go, or at least after a certain time, when things are off and not right. Being honest with ourselves would dictate that we acknowledge and see these bad situations for what they are, and then make decisions accordingly. But usually, we ignore any and all signs, lie to ourselves and keep choosing what doesn’t serve us. We call it strength, loyalty and love, even though our actions are not aligned with either one of these nobel notions.

Moving on to accountability. Looking the other way and ignoring the obvious is not strength; neither is remaining a victim. There are things that happen to us that are bad and that we have no control over; but when it comes to relationships in all of their forms, we are fully responsible for how much we are willing to put up with. We are accountable for our actions, thoughts and words and while I fully understand how we are psychologically and neurotically hardwired to repeat behavioral and thought patterns, we also have the ability to “wake up” and change them – if we so choose. We are responsible for how our life works out, no matter how much we claim it isn’t so. We have more power than we are usually willing to give ourselves credit for and can extend said power to leave what doesn’t serve us behind, instead of continuously choosing to settle. There is no power and greatness in settling for what you know isn’t right.

Everything we are depends on our word, followed by the actions to support these words. Integrity is, in my opinion, the most important trait we have and without it we are nothing. We can’t tell ourselves that we are “good people” while we keep falling out of integrity with ourselves and others. If we say we won’t stand for certain behaviors it should mean something. Sadly, we allow emotions and strange justifications to run rampant and control the outcome of situations – situations we often chose and allowed ourselves to be in. Not standing for certain behaviors doesn’t merely mean that we whine about behaviors from others, no, it also means that we will not engage in the same destructive, dishonest, crazy, mean, selfish and cowardly actions we accuse those around us of.

It doesn’t matter how “good” of a woman you are, if you don’t believe so yourself. Being good means being good with yourself first. If you can’t stand for your own values, if you don’t have enough self-worth and confidence than all the talk of being a good woman is useless, because you will keep settling for less than what you deserve and ever wanted. Not being good to yourself also means that you will keep drawing exactly what you said you didn’t want.

The price we pay for not being good to ourselves is much higher than just a bad job or relationship. Consistently living a lie, by engaging in a life and situations we neither chose, nor wanted does something to our very being and soul. We run the risk of slowly and steadily becoming bitter, angry, desperate, disillusioned, dishonest, depressed and weaker. The more we become our lesser self, the less we are the good person we claim to be and the more we are willing to settle and perpetuate the cycle, making more bad choices, engaging in more self-defeating behaviors and attracting more of the wrong partners.

I am a good woman, but have done a bad job in being good to myself. So I am telling all the other good people out there, male and female, you can’t be good to anyone if you can’t be good to yourself first. Good is a state of mind and shouldn’t just be reserved for every thing and being who waltzes in your life or presents itself to you. Good should be reserved for yourself first and then those who’ve earned it and deserve it.


The Abyss and Why I’m Still Alive

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My entire life I’ve carried an image in my head; an image that very much represents the picture I have chosen above. I have always called it “the abyss,” and it represents life and death, sanity and insanity. I remember becoming aware of it the first time when I was in 3rd grade. But, before I continue, I want to make it clear that this isn’t a cry for help, because I feel suicidal and it isn’t a cry for attention either. I am writing this, because I know that there are other “abyss walkers” and I want to let them know that they are not alone and that you can somewhat live with this. Lastly, I’d like to extend a slight warning – the material is brutally honest and may even be uncomfortable for some.

How does one end up at the abyss? I don’t know about others, but I was dragged there by years of emotional, physical and sexual abuse that started when I was about 4 and ended when I was about 18. The trauma I experienced, due to the long period of time it occurred, caused my fibromyalgia, because my brain has “dialed up” all sensory perceptions to super high, at all times, and therefore misfires, interpreting nerve signals as pain and making any type of stimuli, like loud voices/music and sounds, as well as heat, cold or emotional responses stronger, amplifying them and often making them almost unbearable. The inability to no longer “dial it down” but being incapable of registering stress and hence, the ability to walk away or avoid, makes life as if I am living with a giant antenna on my head; one that never sleeps, never stops and has turned me into a recluse, who finds any type of prolonged interaction with most people painful, frustrating, overwhelming and difficult. But the physical, emotional and mental pain are not necessarily the ongoing building blocks to form the abyss; no, what causes the abyss is the overwhelming feeling of not belonging here, on this planet.

When one feels as deeply as I do, nothing is easy. When one lacks the ability to let go and stop “looping,” life becomes an ongoing cycle of torment, trying to stop it, then succumbing to it and starting all over again. Years of therapy and studies in philosophy, psychology and religion helped me get better, but my brain chemistry is permanently altered and trying to change it is what is so incredibly daunting and leaves me feeling defeated and exhausted.

My relationships have been predominantly bad. Not all of them, but the vast majority of them. Fear of intimacy, severe anxiety about being abandoned and the constant doubts I have in myself have been relationship killers. Nothing, though, beats the fact that I send out a signal, a very powerful one I might add, that keeps attracting men who actually confirm my deepest fears. I attract superficial men, who criticize my exterior, sometimes vocally, sometimes in a subtle, passive way, and/or find me otherwise inadequate. I attract commitment phobes, who cannot commit, don’t know what they want and are quick to leave or cheat. I attract a lot of selfish, cruel, severely damaged and cold-hearted men, who cannot feel and usually numb with alcohol, computer games, work, porn and other ways that keep them from truly connecting; men who mercilessly lash out and strike when I speak up or attempt to explain my feelings. Men who judge me worse than I could ever judge myself or others. I attract my father and I attract my mother’s boyfriends, over and over and over and over. So the majority of my life I have felt alone, lonely and abandoned, especially in my relationships. And this dance, this dance of attracting people who cannot love me, then push me away and lash out at me, as well as attracting the same type of selfish, backstabbing and unpredictable people in the companies I often work for, this is what pushes me closer to the abyss.

Everything I do, no matter when, where and how, is near the abyss. I walk as close to the wall as I can, carefully setting one foot ahead of the next, until I get pushed. Then I start slipping. I claw my way to the top again, then slip some more, feeling overwhelmed and rendered powerless when the feelings of inadequacy, self-loathing and fear wash over me. The feelings are so strong that all I can think of is dying, because I am not sure how much longer I can hold on and how much longer I can be the tower of strength the majority of people in my life believe me to be. The absolute fear of potentially being alone forever, because I cannot attract anyone who feels as deeply as I do, leaves me feeling with despair. Was I supposed to have children? Was I supposed to be alone? Maybe I should devote my life to helping others; but isn’t that what I am doing and have been doing anyway? Why are people so shallow, ignorant and selfish? Why…

I know that it is all about loving myself. It’s been a challenge but I don’t stop trying and going for it. I know that I can change the frequency, even though I have failed so far in doing just that. I have, however, deleted any and all dating profiles. My exterior, which misleads people into thinking that I am a wild, crazy party animal who also numbs (I’ve never gotten into drugs or alcohol) cannot be overwritten by a sincere and honest profile that no one reads. My pictures, my looks are misleading, not just in the dating arena, but in all other areas, too. When you live in a society that puts almost all stock in appearances only (the essence of California), it makes it hard for me and all of those who refuse to look mainstream to be “seen.” Why haven’t I simply “conformed” and blended in? Because this look started when I had no identity and had to protect myself from other predators, back when I was a teenager. Asking me to change my look is the same as asking a person with dark skin to be more white.

The abyss is a part of me. I have managed to stay more on the inside by the wall, and less by the edge that would make me fall. It has taught me to avoid severe danger of slipping, by not abusing substances or becoming addicted. The abyss also reminds me how far I have come and teaches me to not be selfish and exercise compassion. For were it not for said lack of selfishness and compassion, I would have jumped a long time ago, instead of keep on balancing, carefully, one foot in front of the other.

I sadly feel incredibly unloved, unwanted and misunderstood. But as a friend of mine just told me “just because you feel that way doesn’t make it so!” I know this, why else would I still be here to talk about it? I ask but one thing of people “don’t judge a book by its cover. Don’t assume by looks and appearances and remember that your actions and especially your words can make or break another; especially an abyss walker.”