The Universe of Me

Don’t you just hate the people who want to hang out or invite you all the time, just so you can be a cheerleader? You know, the guys who are always self-promoting and only invite you because their band is playing, they are featured somewhere or because they need to discuss how great they are for hours?

Los Angeles has a huge population of people who are trying to be famous. Often they are not interested in attracting friends or a partner but merely new fans or followers. Because as we know, it tends to not be so much about what you know, but whom you know and what better way to get to that goal than networking? This results in tons of superficial, social butterflies who are eager about making friends with you; not because you are cool, nice or someone they want to get to know, but because you could be another potential contact, cash cow or fan; these even spans over dating sites. One friend told me that they are fake profiles on dating sites, trying to promote books, real estate and all kinds of other crap by opening fake profiles in order to attract new clients or buyers.

Years ago I was friends with someone who moved to L.A. to become famous. The only time I would get a call or invited to hang out was to give him a ride, attend shows that he was playing or maybe pay for dinner because he was (and still is) always broke. He came to Hollywood to be famous and Hollywood spat him right back out. The last I heard he is making a living by dating women who pay his rent and bills. He has yet to play a single show or produce a single song.

There is something rather unsettling about people who can never make time for you and then, when they finally do, it is to include you in their newest promotional event. It is annoying when you make plans with people and they are consistently late, because they had to do another “promotional” thing, or took 2 hours in front of the mirror, because “you never know whom you might meet or run into when going out.”

Egomaniacs are boring and tiring. No one likes to hang out with those who merely want to know you so they can add another number to their guest list. It gets very one-sided when all conversations revolve around the genius of one individual, or how big they are going to make it any day now. While perseverance is definitely needed to make it in show biz I would still argue that someone who is genuine might be remembered more than someone who is fake and an opportunist. In my friend’s case, after a while no one wanted to hang out with him anymore, no one took him serious anymore and the only reputation he got was being pretentious, shallow and narcissistic.

It seems a pretty bleak space out there. People are not only self-absorbed and delusional but completely unaware and ignorant. Stuck in their own universe they don’t even get it when people keep telling them “no” and avoid them altogether. Hey, for each person that walks away one can attract at least two others who won’t. After all, there are plenty of those who need attention and the pretentious charmers have a way of making those with low self-esteem feel better by giving them a false sense of belonging. There used to be a time when I would try to confront guys like my ex-friend. Now I simply don’t respond and walk away; and honestly, I think this is the best way to deal with people like this; after all, why waste one’s time and energy on trying to explain what you are thinking and feeling, when they don’t have the capacity of considering anyone else anyway?

It’s All in Your Head

It sure seems a hard concept to grasp that it truly is all in our head. How we perceive the world, what happens to us (mostly!), what we call reality, how our life turns out, how successful and healthy we are and much more depends on what is in our conscious and even more importantly, in our subconscious mind.

We want reasons to blame and not be responsible. We want to rely on something or someone that we can hold accountable. We want something or someone to tell us that it isn’t up to us, because that makes life so much easier and much less frightening. Anything, really, is easier when we feel it wasn’t our doing or our fault. And yet, knowing that it was our doing and fault adds so much more power to one’s life.

Whatever sits in our subconscious mind creates reality. When we feel useless or not worthy, we will keep creating situations in our life that prove it to us. When we feel we can’t do it, we will fail. Our subconscious is responsible for how we perceive the world and the people in it. It is impossible to be positive, for example, if your subconscious is filled with negativity. It is impossible to create a healthy mind and body, if you believe yourself a victim without any control over anything. The more imbalanced we are in our mind, the more imbalanced our life will be and the more imbalanced individuals and situations we will attract to us.

Who we really are, namely what we truly think and feel, shows to the outside world in our actions. It doesn’t matter how hard we are trying to cover it. Our true self has a way to rear its pretty or ugly head, no matter how hard we may try to convince people otherwise. We may stomp our feet and insist on being nice people, but if we are not, no one real and healthy will buy it. For some, who they think they are and who they actually are don’t even come close. And living in a world were confrontation is shunned and avoided continuously contributes to other people’s stories and illusions of their life and being.

To change one’s mind, literally, means to change one’s life. The more we learn, actively pay attention to our actions, words, thoughts and feelings, the more self-aware we will be, and the more we will actually start altering our reality. It is quite amazing what human beings can do; well, maybe what our brain can do. How successful and happy a person is can be contributed 100% to what is going on in their heads. Some may be successful, but only very few achieve true happiness; because very few have the ability to rewire their hard-drive.

Faulty programming tells us that it is impossible to change. It tells us that we are powerless, possibly worthless and a bunch of other messages we may have accepted as truth a long time ago. Because these messages are true to us, it doesn’t occur that we can change them, or be in total control of them. This is what delusion and denial are all about. When one learns to accept and believe things that are neither true, nor necessarily substantiated by reality, one becomes delusional, powerless and a victim; one becomes out of control.

No matter where we came from or what we’ve endured in the past, we can alter our universe, if we choose to do so. It requires work, hard work, and determination. For some it requires hitting rock bottom and for others not even that won’t change the twisted reality they call life. Sometimes, nothing ever changes a person’s truth or reality; until the day they die. It is therefore important to understand that none of us can change or alter anyone else’s universe/reality or truth. We can only change ourselves.

And how do we do that? We start by understanding what our wiring is; recognizing our faulty patterns and seeking out those who are doing it right! We pick role models, people who inspire us, people who don’t just talk the talk but walk the walk. We surround ourselves with those who continuously challenge us to become the best we can be. We ask for help, if necessary from professionals, and we give an oath to ourselves to not be too proud, too afraid, too lazy or too weak to do what it takes to reach our goals. We surrender to the possibility of a new life and understand that the transition of not knowing how a new life will look like is not going to be easy. We decide what we want and we no longer make excuses or act wishy washy and confused.

Living life wide awake and fully aware of one’s potential and power is the best we can do. What gets created within this space is nothing short of a miracle. It is also the space where we stop being sheep and become leaders and where we go from victims to victors. Wide awake is the only space to create true and lasting success and happiness. All other spaces are just illusion.

Loyalty and Integrity – Two Lost Traits?

Recently my friend told me how her best friend of over 10 years not only betrayed her (in the most douche-baggish way one can think of), but then spent the past few months bad-mouthing her, befriending her friends and family on Facebook and even inviting them to her wedding. She also told me how she got rid of everyone who even remotely associates with this ex-best friend; and of course, how she had to explain to one of her family members why it is not OK, and why it hurts her, when the people who are supposed to be loyal to her, betray her by associating with someone who deeply wounded and betrayed her and now goes deliberately after her friends!

I hugged her and told her that none of it shocks me. I have been in this situation enough times and what always baffled me the most is that I had to explain it! I had to explain that I cannot call you a friend when you openly associate with those who harmed, hurt, betrayed and still bad-mouth me. I remember one such “friend” who justified her behavior with the following words “Not all of us are happily married. I need all the friends I can get.” Since then I have disassociated from all of those who are wishy-washy, fair-weather friends.

Both, my friend and I were born and raised in Germany. We come from a country where integrity and loyalty are valued considerably higher than in Los Angeles, where self-serving and superficial seems to be the norm quite often. When one we cared about was hurt, it was our duty to protect, support and care for them, until their heart was mended. If someone hurt your friend, they are hurting you! Done; end of story! It would have never occurred to us to hook up or associate with exes of any form; be it an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend or an ex-friend. I had one friend in particular, who would literally beat the hell out of anyone who was bad-mouthing me. I remember her walking up to one such ex-friend of mine, who was spreading rumors about me. My friend, Daniela, walked up to the chick in the middle of a club, while the chick was surrounded by her new friends. She grabbed her and told her “If you EVER as much as say another word about Carmen and I’ll find out about it, I’ll kick your friggin’ teeth in.” Said chick never said another word about me. The winner, I was not even there when it happened. To this day, the phrase “character pig” is one of the largest insults one can dish out in German.

This type of loyalty and integrity has been hard to come by here for us. It took me many years to find my true friends, of which I have less than a handful. Two of my closest friends are middle-Eastern and each one has battled the same issues I struggle with at some point or another here; even though one of them was born and raised here.

When you call people on their bad behaviors, they most often don’t own up to it. They don’t apologize, but instead justify and blame, then go behind your back. I remember calling one of my “friends” on publically insulting me, asking her why she would say such things. She got angry and told me to “f*** off,” and was never heard from again.
These days we don’t honestly talk to each other, we passively aggressively call names and then delete people from Facebook. Deleting has become the ultimate coward weapon to hide behind. And it is amongst my greatest pet peeves and biggest triggers for me. Some people just let it go, but to those of us who have been betrayed and abandoned by those who were supposed to protect us, care for us, love us or be our friends, this behavior continues to be detrimental to our well-being. Would it not be for tools I have learned from professionals, I would probably live a life filled with bitterness, anger, distrust and sadness. Alas, I have learned to deal with those of low character; they are no longer allowed in my life, period.

I don’t understand those who claim to care for you or even love you and then call you petty, controlling or unreasonable when you ask them to please not associate with those who have hurt you. It also baffles me when people tell me that I must be a very angry or bitter person, when I voice how confused, angry, hurt or offended I am by utter lack of integrity and loyalty; while the same people never seem to read or comment on any of my positive posts or words, which I spew much more often than sad, angry or negative ones these days.

Maybe because I don’t understand our world, which seems predominantly populated by self-serving, superficial cowards, who’d leave your butt in a heart-beat, if you as much as mutter any words that hold them accountable. I still feel puzzled by these behaviors, enough so to keep thinking out loud, questioning and getting it out of my system.

I used to feel very alone and isolated when I was younger. These days I am proud to be who I am and happy that I have found and keep finding those who are on the same page, have the same goals and abide to the same honor system. It makes it all worth-while and it puts things in perspective. After all, there is nothing more rewarding than finding that a seemingly useless fight you are fighting is, in fact, fought by quite a few others. Strength might be in numbers, but foremost it is in doing the right thing, no matter how hard it is. Strength comes in the satisfaction of living one’s life to the fullest; living it with integrity, decency and honor. There is more satisfaction in quality than in quantity. True love for oneself can only arise when we are able to look at ourselves in the mirror, knowing that we are a truly good and decent person; namely one others are happy and proud to know. Because this is when we start affecting others with light, instead of infecting them with neediness, drama and darkness. Hence, we draw what we truly want and desire in life. Strength and happiness come from courageously standing consistently in strong character, no matter what life or people throw at you and to get back up when the same individuals knock you down temporarily.

How to Identify a True Tool – Or Another True Rant of Mine!

When I listen to the stories from friends and my husband and compare them to my own experiences, I can sometimes get extremely frustrated and infuriated. Nothing puts a greater damper on one’s happy life and well-being than the true tools of the world! These people have a way of making everyone else miserable and are absolutely oblivious to it.

Everyone makes mistakes; sometimes we are all tools in our behaviors. Sometimes we say the wrong things at the wrong time and sometimes we are in a bad mood, or going through stuff. But what really qualifies anyone for the “permanent douche/tool” category, are those individuals who keep going, while never, ever taking even an ounce of responsibility or learning a damn thing. No! When you confront these people they deny, blame it on you, attack you and then seek refuge with others, who will confirm that they are the victim and not to blame. These individuals walk through life making themselves and everyone else sick. They are like a virus, spreading and infecting all those who have to be in contact with them; because sometimes you simply don’t get to walk away.

I mean, I truly do get that these Muppets are mental. They have to be, for all logical people would conclude that the same stats, i.e. a consistently shitty life, lack of friends and personal success, as well as employees and family members, who keep on walking out on them or avoiding them, would have to have something to do with them. But no, ladies and gentlemen; these crazy folks keep engaging in douche baggery, while whining, crying wolf and harming those who attempt to stand up to them. Their finger happily points at the poor folks who have to keep up with their crap, day in and day out.

It pisses me off royally that those individuals still keep disturbing my hard earned Zen moments. After years of struggling, I am finally learning to be the Zen master, until another victim, whiny, woe-is-me, you-are-to-blame, must-talk-behind-your-back or be passive aggressive Muppet throws another grenade over my fence.

Lately, one of my loved ones is dealing with such a douche canoe, that I wished I could step in and offer a piece of my mind. I have finally learned the beauty of no longer feeling guilty. My world is great. I have no problem telling someone how I feel and no, I won’t beat myself up over it, the way I used to. Quite on the contrary, I find my new boundary setting and speaking my truth quite refreshing. Plus, the once I resort to speaking into a certain way deserve it anyway. Not too many moments where I go “aw, he/she really didn’t deserve it.” If I unleash these days, the person had it coming for quite a while!

I wished I could offer advice for dealing with true tools. I wished I could help my love to deal with a complete jackass. Alas, they never learn anything. They don’t change, no matter what you are telling them, so any truth is just going to be met with resistance, attacks and shut down; and, of course, telling you how mean and hurtful you are. The bullies of the world are great in offending others, but when things come around for them they show their true, coward colors.

I don’t know what is worse, that they keep getting away with it, because sooner or later most people are resigned to telling them the truth and simply avoid them, walk away or no longer listen; or the fact that they perpetuate the cycle by finding other superficial, or cowardly individuals who won’t say a word and therefore confirm their BS stories.

I feel that this is what is wrong with the world and this is why our planet’s vibrations are so low. There are too many victims, irresponsible whiners in denial mode, infecting the peaceful people with their stories of sadness, misery, lack and anger. Integrity and honesty seem highly understated these days; in a society that seems to reward douche baggery and makes it harder for those who do the right thing. In a world where we are all winners and no one is held accountable for their actions, it seems almost impossible at times to hold one’s light and walk the path of one’s higher self.

Alas, instead of turning into a tool myself, I simply choose to rant about them. At least, my negativity leaves, instead of being a constant way of being and getting stuck inside of me. As for the permanent douche canoes, I hope your canoe sinks rather sooner than later! See you, never; sucks to be you. And remember, what goes around comes around. It is simply a matter of time until your number is up and you’re served with the bill for your actions and words.

The Cycle of Dysfunction

We all are a product of our childhood, parents and environment. Whatever we learn from those around us tends to be what we pass on to others. We all do what we think is best, even though our understanding of what is best and our tools to execute or manifest the best might be severely distorted or completely lacking. Great examples are overbearing parents who think they are protecting their child by hovering over them and not granting them any freedom to grow or make their own decisions; another example would be severely abused people who go out and rescue other broken people, even though the objects of their help are completely uninterested in receiving it.

The problem is not only that broken people attract other broken people, but that they continue the cycle of dysfunction. If neither one in a relationship has the tools to properly function the proverbial s*** ends up hitting the fan sooner or later. Entwined in a perfect dance of pushing each other’s buttons and triggering each other’s responses, they perpetuate their brokenness; until one finally runs or seriously gets hurt, either emotionally or physically. The cycle is complete when they have children and pass their broken coping mechanisms on to their offspring.

Very few are generally willing or able to break the cycle. After all, it is all they know, no matter how crazy their life might be. Human beings are odd creatures, as they generally don’t seem to learn from their mistakes. Very few people are open to fixing themselves; and usually they have to hit some rock bottom or there have to be such dire consequences to their behaviors that they are forced to learn. But then, if you take a look at addiction, even the direst consequences don’t get through to everybody. “Broken” is a way of being and after a while it is is the only way one knows how to be. And lots of people tend to compare themselves to their parents and operate under the misconception that they are OK, as long as they are not as crazy as their parents were/are. To most, less dysfunctional equals not dysfunctional at all. If they can cope in an every day job, the illusions of normalcy becomes even bigger.

I, too, used to dance the cycle of dysfunction and insanity; sometimes more and sometimes less. But to some degree, I was always aware of it and hence, never had children. The fear of not being able to be a proper role model and to potentially make another pay for my potentially poor choices was overwhelming; and in the end it won when I decided to not put a child into this world. 

Taking a long hard look at my immediate family drives my point home. The relationships they have, the way they deal with conflict, hardships and problems is terrifying to me. The fact that they keep attracting the same because none of them ever learn or change is also scary. They walk under the grand story of “our family never has any luck;” then they turn around and engage in another dysfunctional relationship. And like anything behavioral oriented, they keep going round and round, until the day they die; filled with regret and bitterness.

Our society teaches us that we are victims. There are too few enlightened or even reasonably intelligent people out there who speak their mind, publically. Hence, the cycles of craziness, dysfunction, blame, fear and hate mongering continues. Most are buying into it and very few question the validity of it all.

We are all masters of our own destiny. We are the creators of our own universe; regardless of what shit hole we may have emerged from. No matter if we were abused, forgotten, ignored, smothered or driven insane by others, we can still make a choice and walk away. Our past never has to equal our future! We can choose to be sheep and continue the cycle, or we can choose to take responsibility, be courageous and break it. It always is our choice, no matter what anyone may try to tell us. And it is important to break the cycle, for as long as we are broken, all we will attract and create is more of the same.