Demanding to Cut Ties?

I read a post on a friend’s Facebook page. She complained about friends dictating to others who they can be friends with or not. I thought about this for a little bit and then found that this had never happened to me. I had never been asked to dump anyone for a friend; and there is a good reason why.

I am all for everyone getting along, but I can’t stand spineless cowards or backstabbers. If I have something to tell you, I tell you to your face and go about my merry way. I don’t spinelessly go  behind your  back and talk smack about you to people who know you; or worse, expecting them to cut ties with you. Why? Because there should never even be a demand for that.

I am loyal to a fault. You mess with my friends, you mess with me. You don’t get to badmouth, belittle, berate or insult people I care about in front of me, ever! And no, I won’t tell you to shut up, I will give you a piece of my mind. The people I care about, while not saints, are sacred to me. I may not always agree with their actions, but no one gets to put them down. If I have something to tell them, I will do so.
It is my chosen duty, as a friend, to stand by you and fight for you, period! So if a boyfriend or “friend” of yours hurts you, they have hurt me. That is it, no more to add. If I don’t have a vested interest in someone as a friend, the least I would tell the bad-mouther is to have the decency to tell the person they are going on about to their face. And, I would seriously question the character of anyone, if they are “one of those.” In other words, don’t come to me and use me as a co-conspirator to your crap.

My personal choice has always  been to do the right thing; and luckily for me, I know the difference between right and wrong. I don’t need to be told that it is douchy to betray my friend of many years, by hanging out with the jerk who broke her heart, or the bitch who stabbed her in the back, used her, betrayed her or hurt her. This does not make me arrogant or a person who feels “holier than thou.” It merely makes me a person of integrity. I absolutely reserve the right to judge a person by their continued actions, and I don’t tolerate victims or douche baggery of any kind. Why? Because I choose to have friends who add to my life and help me grow as a person. People always know exactly where they stand with me. There is never a question about it.

Having said all that, though, I do not, or no longer, hold others to my standards of decency, integrity or honesty; at all! However, I will not engage with those who don’t share the same values. There are some values that I find absolutely essential, if you call yourself my friend; and it includes the fact that you protect me from those who mean harm to me. If you cannot do that, I must part ways. I don’t care for those who play both sides, unless you are a distant buddy or an acquaintance. Don’t call yourself my friend if you don’t have my back. Luckily, those who really know me always understood why this is so important to me and share the same sentiments.

Life is really short. I don’t like negative people, because I used to be that at times. There are quite a few traits that I will no longer tolerate in my life, in order to become the person I set out to be. However, all that means is that I avoid those who continuously sport said traits, while I go about my new, chosen and happy life with those who get it.

There was a time in my life where I had no choice but to take it to the chin. There was a time in my life where I thought that I did not deserve to ask anyone to stand up for me or fight for me. Luckily for me, that time is now gone. And on a side note, it always did make me wonder why such a rudimentary thing never had to be explained to anyone in Germany. Thankfully, my friends here also get it; without explanation or demands.

One should never have to demand loyalty; and hence, one should never have to demand for another to cut ties with someone else. In my world, it is a given that you do that when necessary.

P.S.: Before anyone gives me the “one has to hear both sides of the story” crap. I am not talking about listening to two sides! I am talking about someone badmouthing and willfully trashing, belittling or instigating another to stand against someone you call a friend.

And Here is Why He’s Single….

I am starting a new series on this topic!!
There are quite a few people who don’t have a clue why they simply cannot find a partner, or why those they go on a date with are never heard from again. Screw all the online articles on dating and let’s just bring it back to basics, as common sense seems to be missing. And who else would be able to keep it as real as I do? 😀

There are simply thoughts and things you should never share on a first date. This includes any strange and bizarre view you may have about conspiracy theories, as the following story shows. And yes, this happened to a friend of mine last weekend! And if anyone starts a sentence with “I don’t usually buy into any conspiracy theory…” you should know that this is exactly what they are going to talk about next; namely whatever strange belief they may have.

So, said friend went on a date last Friday with a supposedly highly intelligent and successful man. Luckily for her he was also quite handsome, so she was actually thrilled to be on a date with him. This is until he told her about some research he had done/read about.

Apparently, the largest “liberation” ever created for women was, of course, the birth control pill. However, did you know that the pill cannot get fully absorbed by a woman’s body, which is resulting in a large amount of estrogen that leaks, via the woman’s urine, into our water supply? And...wait for it…this increase of estrogen in our waters, ladies and gentlemen, has further resulted in frogs’ penises getting smaller and smaller since the 70s!

Yep, this is what this guy told her. I mean, what does one say to that? I am not sure I would have had a response to it. I probably would have just nodded, once I realized the guy is serious and then done the crab-walk to escape from the date.

Look, it doesn’t matter what freakish thing you have read or researched. If it involves penises or vaginas you may want to zip it; at least until you know the other person a little better!

The Power of a Great Character

One of the biggest questions when people end up in the wrong relationships, pick the wrong friends or hire the wrong employees is why they didn’t see it coming. When someone pulls the wool over our eyes we scratch our heads and wonder if we truly didn’t see the writing on the walls, or how we could have been so completely wrong.

The problem is not that we didn’t see it coming. The problem is that we are generally unwilling to listen. We don’t trust our own instincts and we tend to romanticize those who we have chosen as partners or friends; and we might feel ashamed for having hired someone we shouldn’t have. But there are a few ways to spot those with a strong character, which will allow you to make an informed decision in what capacity you’d like that person in your life; if at all.

First of all, observing a person’s behavior over time really is your friend. Any mask and facade can only be upheld for so long, until it starts cracking or completely falling apart. One of the biggest indicators of someone with a great character is how they handle their life in times of stress, when they are criticized/confronted or experience failure; in other words, when things don’t go their way and not all is rosy. Pressure truly reveals who someone is at their core and what coping skills they have. Why? Because those with strong character compose themselves with grace, dignity and kindness, no matter how bad it gets. Going through difficult or hard times never gives reason to act like a jerk. And, a person with strong character won’t always make it about themselves, while selfishly disregarding another’s view or opinion. They don’t have their head stuck up their butts, unable to see anything outside of their own box and bleak reality, and because of that they know how to forgive, let go and move on.

Strong character is usually fueled by integrity, honesty, fairness, kindness and strength. Therefore, consistent actions of douche baggery, egotism, victimhood, fear, anger, jealousy or imbalance are not sported, because a strong character has no need for those. It is absolutely normal for anyone to handle things the wrong way sometimes, but the sum of our actions is what defines us; not our occasional words or displays of doing the right thing. Don’t listen to excuses like “well, these were special circumstances,” or “I have been going through a hard time.” We all go through hard times now and then. It doesn’t give us the right to lash out, to insult people or take our moods and attitude out on them; it doesn’t give us the right for attitude, period. Anyone who notoriously sports moody behavior, who can’t be trusted and requires a constant tiptoeing, i.e. censorship of one’s actions or words is not worth catering to. Any relationship, personal or professional, requires a consistent flow of giving and taking. When things are always off balance it is time to reevaluate if it is worth continuing interaction with that person.

Unhealthy souls have a way of attracting more of the same, namely more stress, drama and pain. They are never in a space of true happiness; they don’t know joy and any success they may feel is short-lived. The glass is always half empty for them, no matter how good they have it or what happens, because they have long lost, or maybe never even learned the ability to enjoy anything in life. They have come to rely on their own misery, worry and lack of anything good to define how their life unfolds.

I noticed that everyone I have ever met with amazing character has lost a great deal in life at some point; they have endured great hardships or pain and within all of that have learned to not take things for granted and to appreciate people and situations more, while complaining and whining less. They have learned to be kinder and more patient because they know how it felt at some point and time to be on the other side of the spectrum. They have learned what truly matters in life and therefore waste no time on those who didn’t learn it. And while I still do not understand why some who endure pain turn into monsters, while others turn into heroes, I do know that true loss or dire consequences to one’s own created misery have created some of the most amazing people I have ever encountered.

It is difficult to swim against the stream and to do what is right, especially when there are those who keep making excuses for us, support us or enable us in our BS. But at the end of the day, those who can’t learn, are those who won’t grow. And those who won’t grow, are those who’ll stay down in the black hole of mere existence.

Good Intentions Gone Wrong?

As the saying goes “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Worse, sometimes good intentions have the exact opposite outcome, which seems to make even less sense. So when one is on a diet, one ends up gaining weight. And isn’t it the strangest thing that each time we are finally ready for therapy or that personal trainer we suddenly find ourselves unable to find one, or being able to afford one. This is definitely one of the best ways to show the power of one’s subconscious mind, and true intentions at its finest. This is why confidence shows, why positive people get what they want and why those who know what they want are able to manifest it.

There is a huge difference with really wanting to do something and setting your mind to it, versus saying that you “should” be doing something, because it might or even will be getting you to where you want to be. The words “should” register in the depth of your mind as “won’t,” and pretty much have the same effect. This is why those who should quit smoking don’t, the ones who should be losing weight keep gaining or staying where they are at, and those who really should be getting in therapy to have the life they so desire remain single.

Wanting something and truly being willing to do whatever it takes to get it, are two completely different things. Any massive change in one’s habits require the necessary mind set and no matter how great we might  be in fooling others, our mind isn’t so easily fooled and knows exactly what our true intentions are. And, to top it off, most people will also, sooner or later, see who someone truly is, because in order to convince someone of being anything, one has to consistently be whatever one claims to be. So if you are highly insecure, no matter how secure you may try to appear on the outside, you’ll always end up revealing your insecure nature by how you end up acting most of the time; especially when you are under pressure.

So how does one turn intentions into actions? I guess, by asking yourself how bad you really want it. Some sit on their couch and wait for their life and happiness to unfold; while not moving a finger and not changing a thing. Well, good luck with that! Everything worth having and being requires three things; discipline, determination and persistence, or in other words, willpower.

I generally make lists. I write out the pros and cons of the thing I want and what my intent is for getting it. I then carry said list with me and read it at least once a day. I guess, one could say that not only am I putting my true intentions out there, but I keep reinforcing them until they are stuck and have successfully overwritten whatever faulty or stagnant belief I had before. I recognize that it takes time and I leave room to forgive myself if I don’t get it right immediately. But with persistence, determination and discipline I’ll end up getting it right sooner rather than later.

Don’t waste time on complaining about how hard things are, but take it one day at a time. Focusing on the entire road ahead makes things daunting and often we’ll end up setting ourselves up for failure. But if you take it one day at a time/use baby steps, you will end up succeeding. It’s that persistence thing, you know?

How to Find the Proper Teacher

What happens if you truly want to advance your horizons in an area where degrees are not openly available (Reiki, etc.) and find yourself looking for someone who can teach or instruct you? How can you find the person(s) that is/are right for you; and how do you weed out the fakes, egomaniacs and charlatans from the real deal?

People tend to be eager when it comes to bestowing labels and titles upon themselves that they have neither earned, nor even remotely represent. Sometimes the “unconventional” instructors or teachers tend to be even more ego driven than one would expect from those who should “know better.” Many claim to be an expert and having “years of experience,” which can neither be substantiated, nor really proven.
So here are a few ways to discover those who are worth to be sought out and deserve the fees they may charge.

  1. The Label
    It is easy to build a website and dazzle people with stories of success that cannot possibly be validated. Sometimes, less is more! If someone claims to have 20 years of experience, find out where and with whom. Look for testimonials (the more the better, preferably over a longer time span) and shop around! Know that some of the most gifted people do not advertise and get most of their clientele via word-to-mouth and referrals. If someone is excellent in their field, others will make sure to spread the word.
  2. The Interview
    Any teacher, instructor or adviser should be able to walk the walk; and in some areas it is absolutely necessary to lead by example; if you want to get in shape, you don’t pick a trainer who is totally out of shape. It is difficult to respect someone who instructs you to do a certain thing and claims lots of knowledge in a field, when they can’t demonstrate how their knowledge actually works in their own life.
    Yes, I am well aware that some people are great in giving advice and are absolutely incapable of following their own words, but generally, that type doesn’t charge you tons of money for their wisdom and doesn’t claim to be “an expert with a proven track record.”
    Some areas don’t require that you walk the walk, i.e. people like Laura Schlessinger! However…I would argue that any type of knowledge that is supposed to show results requires someone who can SHOW you how and INSPIRE you to do the same!
  3. Their Aura/Energy
    The “real deal” tends to have a certain air of quiet confidence around them. They don’t have to state mastery, because there is something that makes you sense that they are truly gifted. In other words, if someone is “the s***” you’ll know it! Think Mr. Miyagi in the “Karate Kid.”
  4. Their Talk
    A gifted coach, trainer, teacher, instructor, etc. will make it about you! This is how it has to be if they charge you money. A therapist who starts talking about their own issues or stories while counseling you is a huge red flag. A proper teacher will give you the tools to do it yourself, without becoming reliant on them, without making it about themselves and without boasting about their own accomplishments, while charging you for it. Pay attention to their written and spoken word, as it usually holds the key to whom a person truly is.

I am all about getting help for one’s issues. As a matter of fact, the more helpers, the better. I am firm believer in coaches, instructors, teachers, masters or whatever else one may want to call them. I have learned that the proper ones will instruct me, not do the work for me. They listen and advise,  but don’t make excuses for me or let me get away with my stuff. They demonstrate with their words, actions and whole being why I should be doing the same and therefore inspire me to keep going, while really noticing results.

The best teachers/instructors were those who had a lasting impact on my life, the way I view the world, the people in it and myself; and they inspired me to keep going, even, or especially, when I felt like giving up. They pushed me to surpass and overcome my own stopping points and continue aiding me in becoming the person I aspire to be, inside and out.

Skeptic or Schmuck?

It is easy to spot the religious nuts, the fanatics and other seemingly crazy individuals who openly engage in hate, fear mongering, discrimination and other douche baggery. After all, the craziest people tend to be the loudest, making sure their message of (<–insert BS here) is spread to the masses. Of course, it is generally also easy to ridicule them for their blatant fanaticism. But what about the “skeptics?”

A skeptic is supposed to be someone with an open mind. After all, the purpose of being a skeptic is to doubt the validity of something posing as factual; and that generally requires studying and listen to all evidence, not just to what we want to be true, want to subscribe to or want to believe. A skeptic should never cramp their “facts” down another one’s throat, or worse, ridicule and belittle those who believe, think or view things differently. When one behaves like that, one is no longer a skeptic but a schmuck, sporting the same stubborn attitude and unwillingness to budge or learn, as a fanatic does.

I always try to conceive the unexplainable. It doesn’t mean I blindly buy into anything. But there is plenty of evidence on both side of a fence and after studying a certain thing long enough, namely from all angles, I make an informed decision, even if it might go against my original belief. I found that most “skeptics” and “scientists” are utterly unable to do that; and worse, the ones who do prove that which is frowned upon (like psychic phenomena!) get publicly humiliated and hence, most don’t speak anymore, because some topics would harm their credibility or reputation. How can such a “scientific study” be objective or “true?”

The hypocrisy in those who call themselves skeptics often utterly amazes and stuns me. Apparently, they are so much smarter than the rest of the world, right? I would say they simply drank the other Kool-Aid. If I am absolutely unable to listen to the other side, I am no longer all that unbiased, but have a preconceived notion that cannot be changed, no matter what evidence is presented. How is that different from the religious nutjobs?

Another question that keeps coming up for me is, “who the hell cares?” There are plenty of beliefs that harm absolutely no one. Was it a bad thing that I used to believe in god, namely the man in the sky, when I was a little girl and needed to survive abuse? NO! Of course not. That very belief not only saved my life but also my sanity many times over. The belief in a higher power gave me strength and comfort, where others turned to drugs, violence or alcohol. Do I shove my beliefs down another person’s throat? Do I force anyone to believe the way I do? Not so much! Do I care if “god” is a he, she, an alien or maybe even part of my brain? Nope, I do not. So why do I still believe in something that hasn’t been scientifically proven? Because I have plenty of proof that there is something else beyond the shadow of a doubt. Based on what? My personal, numerous experiences! Maybe that something may come from my brain, maybe not. But anyone who would try to tell me that I am gullible, easily influenced, weak or a sheep, would have to have never met me. And if that is the only argument one has, namely that all who do believe in something must be stupid, is a complete idiot, because I know many people who are highly intelligent and they also believe in something.

Watching the world and feeling more like an observer for most of my life has often proven to me that people are cynics; they can be so jaded, unkind, selfish, dishonest, manipulative and so deeply in denial that it is disheartening to learn that this is the race I am part of. Personally, I feel this world needs more compassion, tolerance and a little bit of magic.

I would be thrilled to live in a world with more people who kept a bit of their childlike innocence. I don’t understand why keeping that makes you weak, delusional or less. And how can that be when millions of people get lost in computer/console games and thousands of them develop them? There seems to be some need to escape to magical lands with magical creatures!

So, for all the cynical schmucks, disguised as skeptics, I would have to say the same that I would say to any fundamentalist, fanatic nutjob “Shut up, already!” Keep your thoughts to yourself, or go and share them with those who want to hear them! We have enough “reality” on this beautiful planet and some of us really like to be able to believe that there are some things out there that can neither be explained nor proven, but just like love, they are no less “real” than your “facts.”

How to Speak Your Truth

I have been reiterating the fact that speaking your truth is one of the most important steps to getting the life you want and the happiness you deserve. When I talk about speaking your truth, though, I am talking about setting boundaries and sticking to them. I am not talking about spewing whatever comes to mind whenever you feel like it, and to whomever you want to in order to get your point across!

So what is the difference, you may ask. Speaking your truth does not have an attachment to outcome! We don’t speak our truth in order to manipulate, persuade or force someone to do things our way, see things the way we want them to, or even agree with us. To speak your truth means to stand in your own power and to not allow anyone to take your power away. It has nothing to do with aggression, manipulation or being stubborn, selfish and mean-spirited.

Having an attachment to someone else’s reaction turns your “truth speaking” into an act of trying to get things your way and moves the focus away from you, i.e. holding someone else responsible. To be honest does not mean we have to be mean, a bully, manipulative or unkind, because in a way, we couldn’t care less what the other “feels” about it. It means that you have stated what is and what is not acceptable to your well-being and your own self and that should never be reliant on an outside source.

People are whatever they are and choose to be. Confronting those who have wronged you, or are still wronging you won’t create peace of mind. The reason is that most people are absolutely unwilling to change or even see their part in an argument, problem or issue. But when we set our boundaries and claim our power, it doesn’t matter if a person changes their mind or point of view, because their action or reaction does not influence our happiness or our peace.

I used to have this very wrong. My idea of always being honest backfired big time, each and every time I would confront a person with their, to me, unacceptable behaviors and attitudes. I figured, if I speak clearly they’d get it. But they generally didn’t and the struggle, fights or arguments would continue. The more someone would misunderstand or misinterpret me, the more I would attempt to “set them straight.” Needless to say, this almost always failed completely. In the past, my “honesty” made quite a few enemies and the feeling of being seen completely distorted, or having been treated unfairly, weighed heavily on me.

To be honest, it is hard for me to accept that not everyone likes or will like me. There are a lot of people who claim that they don’t care how others perceive them. But to me, and I would argue to most, it does matter. It matters because I am actively attempting to make a difference in the world and I am actively attempting to be my higher self; and for all of us who take on these roles, we have to be mindful of our choices, words, actions, thoughts and emotions. We do not get to spew bad energy, we don’t get to be passive aggressive and we don’t get to manipulate others and be victims.

Making this decision makes it even more important to fully accept and love yourself. Accepting who you are and stopping to make excuses for it will allow you to keep your power and your peace of mind; as a permanent state of being. When you state and live your boundaries consistently, you will find no need to manipulate anymore. It doesn’t matter if someone agrees or doesn’t agree, because at the end of the day, it isn’t up to others to validate who you are! This power is given to you alone, my friend.

Living your life with honor, integrity, courage and kindness will, in return, attract those who do not require explanations. You will find yourself surrounded more by those who won’t continuously challenge, misinterpret or suck the life out of you and less by those who do not live by the same principles. The universe has a way of weeding out those who no longer belong or serve your growth anymore. So when you “lose” someone to your newly found ability to live in power, let it go and trust that another who has no problem with it will emerge. There is no empty space in the universe. Alas, getting rid of space occupied by those who do not deserve it, will allow a spot for those who do.