Right as Rain

What if we could completely eliminate ego? Sure, there are times when ego is absolutely crucial for survival, but what if we could eliminate ego in those areas where it’s simply about looking good and being right, overwriting common sense and decency. We fight with each other, because we have to be right, we have to convince others of us being right and we have to win!

How does one overcome ego in a society that has no losers and only winners? It’s a tough nut to crack. In order to stop fighting for being right, we’d have to lose our attachment to outcome. But wouldn’t that mean that we have to lose our passion and engagement? How can we convince people or sell them on our point, if we don’t have an attachment to convincing them of anything?

The fact is that my truth is not necessarily another person’s truth, and vice versa. Sure, I believe there are universal truths, but not to bend them is my choice and sometimes not the choice of others.

When someone is really convinced of something they are rarely willing to change their mind, no matter how compelling the argument may be. If the belief is a deep rooted one, not even evidence of the contrary changes the opinion. And how is that surprising? Almost all religions work by that very principal. People don’t necessarily believe in what is true, but in what or whom they believe to be right; and sometimes there is a huge gap between the two.

I always felt that healthy debate and an open mind are the best traits to have. Sometimes I would get sucked into being “human” by starting to argue; especially when I felt that my very being or core were either attacked or undermined. However, I did find that the older I get, the less I feel a need to “defend” myself. Sure, there are still times where certain remarks or topics trigger a response, but overall, I try to be conscious of my need to argue about something. Because even if I deeply believe in a cause or thing, it doesn’t mean I have to argue about it. I can choose to walk away or debate. I am not responsible for other people’s thoughts, emotions, shortcomings or reactions. However, I try to be mindful of them!

I used to fight a lot of empty and utterly useless battles. I would come to the aid of someone who didn’t want to be helped. I would argue because the fundamental “wrongness” of something would drive me insane. I needed to fight the good fight and speak up for everything and everyone I felt was being wronged. Then I learned about the human race at large and found that no argument, evidence or proof changed a thing. In the end, most people will run from face-to-face confrontation, follow blindly and cowardly, yet angrily, hide from what might be truth but causes discomfort, or god forbid, work on their part. People generally follow the path of least resistance, even if that path is destructive to themselves or others.

Yes, there are certain things that I believe are absolutely crucial to fight for, especially if I can help or aid another or many. An example would be speaking up about a bully, or calling help for someone who is getting robbed.

In my personal life I try to eliminate the fighting and the drama that comes with it, by simply walking away from those who add those elements. I don’t need to convince them of my truth, I don’t need to launch any hate campaigns or even speak up. Sometimes one has to understand that it is OK to have different values, but that setting boundaries means that I am not obligated to interact with those who cannot share or respect mine.

Fighting doesn’t change a thing and it doesn’t change minds. The only thing that has potential to change the minds of others is leading by example. Sometimes others get inspired enough to follow the example and other times they do not. But in the end, it is up to each and every one of us to be the person we set out to be and aspire to be, regardless if others follow.


TUT – A Note from the Universe

Living in time and space, Carmen, just might be the scariest, most heartbreaking, and lonely path an angel could ever choose.

Until, of course, they realize that being scared doesn’t mean they can’t make a difference, broken hearts can still love just fine, and that feeling lonely doesn’t mean they’re actually alone.

Then they’ll laugh an angel laugh, fluff their wings, and dare a new dare all over again.

Love your halo,
The Universe


How Free Will Works

How does free will actually work; and how does free will play into forms of divination, astrology and so on? Why did/do my predictions, hopes and dreams not come true and why am I not getting what I desire?

Every time one answers this question with “free will,” people either start ridiculing divination or get frustrated and claim that this is merely an excuse. Yet, the truth is that free will is almost 100% responsible for us not getting what we may so desire. And why is that? Because if we  cannot imagine, dream or believe, we cannot make it happen. To me, this makes perfect sense. After all, how would I build a house, even though I have no knowledge or tools to do so? To have the life I want, I need the proper tools to create it!

If we find ourselves in the same stale, bad or unfulfilling relationships time and time again, it is because we choose the same scenarios over and over. If we have a negative outlook on our lives and ourselves, we will keep drawing situations and people who prove us right. No prediction will change that. Even the most gifted psychic cannot help a person who isn’t willing to help themselves.

So the question might be, why will a psychic, for example, predict or see a positive outcome to begin with? The answer is somewhat simple; because sometimes we may strongly project our desire, or maybe we have temporarily changed our outlook and behavior and really believe we can do it. But just like anything else in life, if you are not willing to live up to your fullest potential, if you keep refusing to do the work that is associated with getting what you want, you cannot expect that the best possible outcome is going to fall into your lap.

Sure, sometimes we may get lucky, but I, for one, don’t really believe in coincidence. I believe that my life is a direct result of my continued efforts and being mindful of my actions and words. If I “slip,” my life starts slipping too. If I want to attract the right job, I make sure I have the skills to get it; I will network with people in my desired field to see if they can maybe give me a heads up on any existing or upcoming job postings, and of course, I start applying. Complaining about my existing job while doing nothing is not only not getting me noticed, but it will also keep positive change at bay. But then, I truly believe that the energy I send out comes back to me.

When I started learning the tarot, I thought I would be able to foretell the future. I thought there is some kind of mystical reason behind it all. I could not imagine that all the knowledge or truth I needed to know might already be within me and that I merely needed someone to point it out, or point me into the right direction. But the more I studied and learned, the more I started seeing the correlation between my actions and any predicted outcomes.

Here is a great example! For more than 20 years I have received the reoccurring prediction of having a daughter or twins. But the prediction scared the living hell out of me. I was always afraid I would be a bad parent. What if I started to pass on the “screwed up” gene? Hence, I made sure I prevented pregnancy from happening. Did the psychics predict wrong? No, I don’t think so. But it didn’t change the fact that I chose, via my free will, to not become pregnant.

Over the years I found that the clichés are true. If you can dream it, you can make it happen. Yes, this does deal the loser card to those who are already negative and beaten down; but then it rewards those who are willing to work on themselves. Is it fair? Probably not, but then, the universe is not just, it just is; and sometimes good things come to rotten people and bad things to amazing people.

While I do not have the answers to how the universe functions, I do believe I understand more and more how much power we truly hold. I found that divination can be a great confirmation tool to put me on the right path, but I am still the one who has to make it happen/draw it. That is just the way it is; and there is no use in complaining about it.

So next time someone tells you about free will, maybe feel relieved. Because after all, it means you can make anything happen and each day is merely another blank canvas to start fresh.


Am I What I Wear?

Lately I have started to “tone it down” a little. I have dyed my hair back to black and I have actually bought myself some “business attire.” No, I did not buy suits, or something that wouldn’t be me at all. I just merely added a couple pairs of nice pants, some nice tops, instead of T-Shirts and a couple pairs of nice shoes. Nothing really prompted all of this, except that I am now 42 and have different aspirations than the ones I had a mere 5 years ago.

I always and forever fought that people would judge me by my exterior. I wanted to prove that people who look different can still be, and do all the things the khaki sporting overlords could 😉  But the problem is that nothing I said or ever did changed the fact that everyone was going to “judge” me on first impression; and a first impression cannot be changed. I had such a loud way of appearing at times that it actually was pretty impossible to see who was behind all the stuff. My initial entrance usually caused stares (not the good ones) and shock value; as well as the literal thought “what is she doing here?”

Over the years I climbed the ladder anyway; but largely due to the fact that I worked in a company where people knew me and had long gotten over my funky outfits. Granted, I never dressed inappropriate; all of my body parts were sufficiently covered, no see-through, low cut or otherwise risqué attire was ever sported, but nevertheless, people who didn’t know me would often not make it past the initial shock. Unfortunately, this often hurt me more than it helped.

What really made me think was when someone at work recently asked me if all my friends were as colorful and eccentric as I was. I laughed and responded that all my friends are very normal looking; no crazy tattoos, hair colors or “gothic” attire. The same person was surprised and asked me why I don’t have friends that look like me, and before I could even think, I blurted out “Because they are losers!”

I felt like a douche saying it, but my experiences with any type of extreme groups had been more than appalling. The drama, the passive aggressive, talking-behind-your-back BS and their total inability to function “normally” for any extended period of time had been nothing but a disappointment to me. That none of them really functioned unless they were drunk or high didn’t help things either, when I had never been a drinker or drug user. Turns out, the same thought that came flying out of my mouth was probably the exact same thing a lot of people thought when they initially met me. After all, my exterior never once matched my interior. I was crazy on the outside, and extremely conservative and predictable on the inside.

What prompted me to start dressing like this to begin with? Well, like a lot of the “subculture” people I encountered, I had it pretty rough growing up, so a flamboyant, in-your-face exterior not only kept people at arm’s length, but also worked as an attention getter. Having been ignored most of the time when I grew up, while watching the popular girls get whatever they wanted, even though they were dumber than a bag of rocks at times, made me swear that I would never look like them. I did not want to be a pretty girl; or to say it in Tori Amos’ way, I never was a cornflake girl, but definitely a raisin girl. And after all, any attention was  better than being the mousy, ignored, quiet thing I was before then.

Maybe now I feel I don’t have to hide anymore? Maybe now I feel I don’t need to be in your face, but have interesting enough things to say and do, so I no longer need an outrageous get up to support that I am different. Maybe now I feel that I am unique without shocking anyone into seeing it. And maybe now I know that first impressions count for a lot and I have a lot of goals and aspirations that require being seen for what I have to offer on an intellectual, spiritual and emotional level.

I guess it’s kind of like always yelling. When you always scream your point, no one hears you. But when you can share your point in a calm and collected way, people tend to listen, even if they don’t always agree with you.

I feel I have things to say now, versus having to prove or make a point in order to convince anyone. I want to help others and want to draw those who truly need and want my help. I don’t want to draw drama queens, victims or severely broken people who don’t want to hear, learn or grow, but merely require an opinion poll and enablers to validate their ongoing denial and BS.

It is difficult for me. There is still a small voice who wonders if I will disappear if I finally start looking the part of who I truly am. What if I don’t know who I am and what if? Alas, I don’t do happy mediums too well, but tend to happily swing in between extremes. And maybe now it’s time to celebrate my new found freedom and happiness, and drop the shackles of trying to prove the wrong thing, to the wrong people, for the wrong reasons! And when I reach that point, I can still occasionally sport an Emily-the-Strange shirt and some pirate pants without feeling strangely inappropriate and not quite right.

PS: Yes, this is me in the picture.