Negativity Kills

Currently, the number one killer and cause of chronic disease is stress; which causes heart attacks, diabetes, asthma and obesity, just to name a few. But what causes continuously high stress levels that can no longer be dealt with by the body? Being unhappy, feeling powerless, not getting what you want in life and feeling stuck.

How we feel and perceive the world creates our reality and therefore determines how successful, happy and healthy we are. A twisted mind causes a twisted heart and body! And please let’s not start with the excuse of happy people getting sick as well. I will always argue that a sick mind and soul are the top reasons for most chronic conditions, such as asthma, fibromyalgia, headaches, chest pains, high blood pressure, high cholesterol levels, obesity, etc..

Let me share how the chain reaction started and then progressed over 7 years. I started out with a sick upbringing, which created a sick way of perceiving the world and those in it. I had no tools to attract good things, because I also had no knowledge of how “happy” looked like. I felt most comfortable with other broken people, because they allowed me to shift the focus away from me, as I tried to help them get well. Of course, this plan never worked; instead I kept finding myself betrayed, abandoned, back-stabbed and used; which made me more and more angry, hurt and feeling hopeless and powerless. The more powerless I felt, the less I spoke up and tried to fight back. Instead, I bottled it up, until my body started to become sicker and sicker. I had no energy anymore, which made me not want to move, but sleep all the time. Being inactive made me gain weight, which made me feel worse. Then I started developing asthma, high blood pressure and high cholesterol. I had heart palpitations, chest pains, joint pains and headaches all the time; at one point (6 years ago) I had a nervous breakdown and ended up hospitalized for 2 weeks. Finally, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.

Years went by, in which my health would go up and down. The more stress I experienced, the worse things would get for me physically. The doctors would run more tests, give me anti-anxiety meds and steroids and send me on my merry way. My negative experiences and outlook literally turned my body into a toxic dump that was no longer able to properly dispose of stress (hence, high cortisol levels, because my adrenals were working non-stop). I had to make a conscious decision to get well, because I was, well, in the truest sense, sick and tired.

I have talked about it many times and feel it is important to repeat it; there has to be some kind of light that goes on in one’s head. Some people may call it rock-bottom, others may call it being tired of their own BS, but there has to be a moment of complete self-awareness; I call it the “oh-shit” moment. As long as people are still afforded some kind of comfort by feeding their own misery and story, they will not shift and continue with their patterns, no matter how miserable they are.

In the past 3 years I have finally reached almost all the goals I have set. I finally found the career I wanted with a company that rivals Yahoo in pay, environment and responsibilities. I am starting my new job on the first of November. I found the man that fits who I am and loves me unconditionally and I married him. I resolved some of my left-over issues with therapy; I now know how to properly set boundaries. I have disposed of all people, situations and circumstances that were toxic to me, because I finally had the proper tools in my tool belt to do so. I started Pilates, after I completed almost 2 years of personal training, and bought a bicycle, which I love riding down to the beach. I started meditation again. I sold my house and moved with my husband to a beautiful, amazingly designed and huge space in Playa Vista, with a bathroom the size of a small country 😉

I left no stone unturned. I didn’t sit on my butt, feeling sorry for myself and waiting for things to magically change or come to me. I did whatever I had to take and while there are still things left to do, I am sure as hell a whole lot closer. I went through a lot, but I am living the American dream, because I worked my butt off for it. And if I can do it, so can you!

When One Finger Points at Others, Four Point Back to You

Have you ever sat around and wondered how you got to where you are at now? And if, where you are at, is not where you want to be, have you ever had that nagging feeling that maybe it isn’t them, but you? So when is it time to fess up to your own actions and realize that maybe you truly are the one to blame? And when can you safely assume that whatever happened truly didn’t have anything to do with you? Well, here are a few ways to tell the difference.

  1. Things that are out of your control
    Sometimes life happens. Bad things sometimes happen to good people and good things sometimes happen to bad people. We don’t have control over the actions, emotions or thoughts of others. This is really important when it comes to sickness or even death! I remember feeling guilty for the longest time after my mother passed away. Maybe I could have done something to prevent it? Maybe I could have spent more time with her, etc. It took me a long time to realize that there is nothing I could have done and that I had to move on and let go of the guilt. I cannot go back in time, but I can change my perception for the future.
  2. Relationships that went bad
    It doesn’t matter if it is a work relationship or a personal one. In any situation I would advise people to take a long hard look at their own actions and words and see their own part in any fight or dispute. It usually takes two to tango, and while there are times when we are getting wronged by another, we did have a part in how we responded, acted and dealt with a situation. This is especially true if you find yourself in the same situation time and time again. There comes the point and time where we can no longer blame another and use the same excuses for the same behaviors, while keeping our credibility. If numerous people from different groups keep accusing you of the same stuff, it’s time to point the finger at yourself.
  3. The Law of Attraction
    Nope, I am not going into the new age explanation of any spiritual law here. But to say it bluntly, if you keep attracting the same type into your life, namely the type that cannot accept you for who you are, you are the one who needs to shift. I know that this is not what people want to hear, but who we really are does shine and sends a very clear message that some may be totally unaware of. If you end up again with a cheater or emotionally unavailable partner, if you yet again got screwed over or back-stabbed by a friend, it is about time to take a look at what part of you draws people that hurt you and are utterly incapable of supporting your growth. Maybe you are the one who doesn’t want to grow and therefore you choose that which you know, even though it hurts you. If you have been dysfunctional for a long time, chances are most of your surroundings are also quite dysfunctional, because, as unfair as it seems to you, healthy people don’t hang with crazy ones, just like really smart people don’t hang out with idiots. This is what groups and cliques are all about!

Growth hurts. This is the reason that plenty of people don’t grow and don’t really learn from their mistakes. As we start to shift in who we are, we will inadvertently alienate some of our old friends, because they cannot or will not grow with you. When people only know the broken you, they tend to not react too kindly to the new, healthy you. Misery loves company and as you learn to no longer be miserable, some people may literally sabotage your growth. See, the law of attraction works both ways. When you are a happy person in the midst of unhappy people, you’ll just hold up a mirror to them. With each step that you take in the right direction, you’ll just show them what a failure they are by sitting on their butts and doing nothing; even when they are completely unaware of it and hence, will never, ever admit it! After all, friends always argue that they just want you to be happy; but the truth is that very few actually mean it. Usually it is more a “I want you to be happy, as long as you don’t threaten my status quo and don’t make me look like a failure.”

We always have choices in life and it is never too late to switch one’s course. If your way hasn’t worked for you, maybe it’s time to try something else. In my opinion, the only ones who get to attack you about your ways are those who are doing it right; so consider the source! My friends have been the greatest contributors to who I am today. I listened, because they had the life I wanted and traits I admired. To this day, I do not give stock to the words of people who live their life in chaos, misery and unhappiness. And for each unhappy friend-turned-enemy I had, at least one really awesome person emerge. So take action and start the road of happiness. After all, what do you have to lose?

Ask Me a Question!

I have my own column now on California Psychics! You can submit your questions and I will answer; in my usual blunt and straight-forward manner!

Speak Up with Carmen Honacker

Take Action Now

“Morgen, morgen, nur nicht heute, sagen alle faulen Leute.” A German saying that translates equally great into English; “tomorrow, tomorrow, not today; is what all lazy people say.” No, this is not an insult, although it may be construed as such. To me, this has always been an inspiration to get my butt in gear and start moving.

Why is it so important to start today? Why can’t things wait until tomorrow, or maybe the day after that? Or how about next week, or when we have the money, resources, time, blah, blah, blah! It is important to start today, because putting things off just means that you are feeding the cycle of making excuses. You cannot actively take part in your life, if you keep waiting, because waiting is passive and doesn’t accomplish anything. Plus, why would you want to waste even another moment, if you can get started on your better life today?

Maybe you are going to argue that your life doesn’t need improvement. But then, I know very few people who wouldn’t welcome improvements in their life. Personally, I believe that there is always room for growth, no matter how well you are doing. Complacency and stagnation are the death to personal advancement.

So, start making a list of things you want! Maybe you always wanted to take an art class? Maybe you wanted to travel to a specific place, or learn another language. The sky is the limit when it comes to your dreams. If you are planning on really improving your life because you are feeling defeated, depressed or miserable, you may want to start with things that would have an immediate impact on your self-esteem. Set reasonable goals, for example, losing 5 lbs. within a month, signing up with a gym, looking for a new job, etc. Anything that allows you to actively take a step further towards the person you want to be, while making you feel good about the fact that you are taking action, is a worthwhile activity to engage in.

Good things don’t come to those who wait. Good things come to those who take action. YOU are the master of your own destiny, so grab the opportunity by the horns and start creating!


I hate my job. I can’t find the right job. No one wants me. I will never find the right guy. I never get what I want. I hate my life.

Do any of these statements sound familiar? Do you actually live by these “words of wisdom?” If the answer is “yes,” chances are you’ll keep getting more of the same; and you, my friend, need to not manifest more money or the partner of your dreams, no, you my friend need to manifest a clue! If you want a more positive spin on that, manifest wisdom and self-awareness!!

So here I go, again, stirring up the proverbial hornet’s nest, because we all know that it is highly uncomfortable and not nice to not feel more sympathetic and beat around the bush, which is what our society does well. Let’s not hold ourselves accountable at all, but instead blame unforeseen forces; better yet, let’s blame others! Let’s also attack all those who actually call us on our own BS and don’t feed our sad and bruised egos some more.

Yes, there are things in life that require luck. But I will always argue that about 90% of our life’s quality depends on our choices. Yep, this will make the victims cry out “she is judging me! Because darn, it isn’t my fault!” I really believe that making mistakes is human. We all have made some rather bizarre, if not to say, crazy decisions in our lives; and at some point found ourselves scratching our heads, wondering how in the world we got there. Maybe we simply thought “WTF?!” Well, at least I have found myself in that boat on numerous occasions, where I really wanted to blame temporarily insanity. Alas, I have always been the type that would plunge head first into any disaster that deemed “my help.” Yep, come on in! The waters of deception, denial and self-pity are warm and keep me safe and toasty. It might look crazy to you that I keep sticking my finger into the light socket and get shocked, but hey, I’ve done it my entire life and that makes it much more comfortable than learning to not touch the damn outlet to begin with.

I have sad news to report to those who have safely planted themselves into the role of eternal victim. It’s not going to change for you, ever! Because as long as you keep sitting on your butt, complaining about the injustice of it all, while pointing the finger at your parents, your friends, your exes, your family, or god, you’ll just get more of the same. Yes, there will always be people who pat you on the head and buy into your crap of victimhood and chances are, they are equally as “successful” as you are in mastering life. Negativity breeds negativity, misery keeps company; it’s as simple as that. And it’s the reason that successful people hang out with other successful people and losers hang out with losers.

How do you grow a clue? Well, realize that while one finger points at others, four point back at you. Want to have a new life? Start by changing your behaviors and reactions! Therapy really is our friend! Don’t like sitting on the couch and telling your sad stories? Try cognitive behavioral therapy! Get a life coach, sign up for a college course, finally get your butt into the gym, go for a walk. Catch my drift? Nothing will ever change, as long as you cannot and will not change your own actions, thoughts and words; and that is the ugly truth!

But don’t be discouraged, sad or angry. There is hope for everyone and life can change at the blink of an eye. Sadly, not for those who are unwilling to take action. Good things rarely come to those who wait, or are complacent. Good things come to those who work for them and take a risk. The moment you actually start holding yourself accountable is the moment you’ll start noticing change. Until then, go meditate and manifest a clue!

How to Keep an Open Mind

There is a common misconception amongst people. For some, keeping an open mind means “settling,” and since no one wants to settle, people have a great excuse to keep chasing the unattainable, i.e. keep setting themselves up for failure and disappointment.

But where is the fine line between having an open mind and keeping your standards? When is one settling or selling out and lowering the bar too much? While I am no expert I can definitely report what I have found to work very well for me.

The difference between settling and having an open mind is that an open mind does not question or compromise one’s core principles, values and ethics! For example, going on a date with someone who isn’t exactly your type. I have been in the position where I found myself very attracted to someone physically; until they opened their mouth and spoke! On the other hand, I have met people who might have been less attractive at first glance, but became quite stunning once I got to know them. Or how about interviewing for a job that might offer slightly less money? Sure, we generally want to improve our situation, but what if the other company might be the better fit, has much more growth opportunity and actually be the place where we might be happier in the long run?

I have found that it is super important for me to not compromise who I am for any place or person. If someone or something consistently threatens my emotional, physical and mental well-being, it is time for me to part ways; if possible, not engage to begin with.

Being open to changes, rolling with the punches and being flexible, i.e. open minded, has afforded me some of the greatest opportunities for growth in my life. Like most people, I thought that being open meant settling. Alas, nothing could have been further from the truth.

Today, I am more open than I have ever been. I consistently strive to work on that and do even better in it. However, unlike before, I no longer compromise my core values or principles and hence, do not feel guilty for knowingly settling and holding on to something or someone who really doesn’t support my consistent goal of growing as a person.

Over the years I learned that not bending at all and stubbornly holding on turned into settling; and consequently into resentment, anger and disappointment. Each time when I, well, removed my head out of my own (or anyone else’s) behind I would leap forward onto a new level of personal evolution.

It is really important to stay true to oneself. That just doesn’t mean we should shun all that or those who are different. When we keep an open mind we start judging others less and therefore get judged less in return. We also find ourselves consistently less in bad situations, with the wrong people, for the wrong reasons. Don’t compromise who you are, ever! But do try out something new or give a chance to someone you might have overlooked in the first place. You never know what is hidden underneath the shallow waters of initial perception.