Spiritually/Religion – We’re doing it wrong! What is one of the most defining characteristics of most Western religions? The huge amount of guilt! Take Christianity, don’t do this, don’t do that, and of course, we’d all be blind, amongst other things, by now if any of it were true.
Generally, spirituality claims to be different, and often is on the surface, but then presents us with gems like “The Secret.”
I am no scholar. I do not claim to fully know the laws of the universe and the ways of any god or path. But here is what I do know with certainty; had it not been for the endless babble of making me wrong for each and every low moment, sad feeling, hateful spewing, angry rant, jealous rage, fearful confession and “negative” way of being, I would be quite happy. I would have never experienced depression. I would have never experienced anxiety. I would have never sat around, beating my head to a pulp, because I broke yet another rule of behaving and being and feeling so different and isolated.
The endless rants about being good, being the light, being positive, because negative and dark thoughts breed cancer, illness, break ups, rejections and horrible lives, just kept making me feel worthless, incomplete and never good enough, because I could not achieve these measures of perfection. Watching someone who lost another through death and hearing some jackass telling them they are now in a better place or that it was “god’s will” did not breed comfort, but rage where I actively wanted to punch such a person in the friggin’ head.
Look guys, the truth is, I hate people sometimes. I am sometimes all out of compassion and instead want to beat the crap out of a person. You wrong me, mess with me, hurt me, insult me or worse, hurt people I love, I’m not going to feel compassion and kindness towards you. My first impulse is to come after your ass and make sure that you get what you deserve.
I get sad, super sad. Sometimes I get so sad that I am not sure why I bother living. I get sidetracked, I fall into another pattern I swore I wouldn’t fall into ever again. Sometimes I get reckless. I make dumb decisions, and yes, I did know better, but did it anyway. I fall into lust and sometimes have an almost masochistic need to blow stuff up, just to see what happens in the aftermath; and just because I really, really want to feel alive.
I am selfish at times. I am impatient, judgmental as hell, I cuss a lot, I’m sarcastic and super cynical and arrogant. Yes, I am all of these and then some!
The point is that I am also the opposite; most of the times. But what, if anything, I have learned and still am learning is the fact that I cannot be one without the other. I want to explore. I want to jump off the cliff, I want to experiment and see what happens. I want to spew, rant, rave, I want to punch, I want to yell, be reckless, I want to give in to my whims for the heck of it. I want to see what it feels like to fall without a safety net. Best of all, this may blow up and go badly at times, but hey, it beats being depressed and bored to death, while whining about the things I’ve missed or wished I would have done. And let’s be completely honest here, I am a very high functioning Carmen and would always make sure that my career and my very life is not at jeopardy. For the rest of it, anything goes!
There is a reason that I have Horus, Anubis and Isis tattooed on me. I did not choose angels (although, I challenge anyone to do their research on angels before they judge, because my favorite Archangel Michael, is quite a warrior and smiter). I chose war gods. I chose the god of the heavens, taking revenge on Seth, and raining fire. I chose Anubis, the god of the Underworld, the god of darkness! And lastly, Isis, the goddess of magic and healing and light! Look back throughout history. There is always light and dark and one cannot, will not exist without the other. And if you want to go into a diatribe about your loving god, read the old testament!
Life, so much more fun if you understand that you are perfect just the way you are.