Carma Phantasmagorica vs. Carmen Honacker

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Spiritually/Religion – We’re doing it wrong! What is one of the most defining characteristics of most Western religions? The huge amount of guilt! Take Christianity, don’t do this, don’t do that, and of course, we’d all be blind, amongst other things, by now if any of it were true.

Generally, spirituality claims to be different, and often is on the surface, but then presents us with gems like “The Secret.”

I am no scholar. I do not claim to fully know the laws of the universe and the ways of any god or path. But here is what I do know with certainty; had it not been for the endless babble of making me wrong for each and every low moment, sad feeling, hateful spewing, angry rant, jealous rage, fearful confession and “negative” way of being, I would be quite happy. I would have never experienced depression. I would have never experienced anxiety. I would have never sat around, beating my head to a pulp, because I broke yet another rule of behaving and being and feeling so different and isolated.

The endless rants about being good, being the light, being positive, because negative and dark thoughts breed cancer, illness, break ups, rejections and horrible lives, just kept making me feel worthless, incomplete and never good enough, because I could not achieve these measures of perfection. Watching someone who lost another through death and hearing some jackass telling them they are now in a better place or that it was “god’s will” did not breed comfort, but rage where I actively wanted to punch such a person in the friggin’ head.

Look guys, the truth is, I hate people sometimes. I am sometimes all out of compassion and instead want to beat the crap out of a person. You wrong me, mess with me, hurt me, insult me or worse, hurt people I love, I’m not going to feel compassion and kindness towards you. My first impulse is to come after your ass and make sure that you get what you deserve.
I get sad, super sad. Sometimes I get so sad that I am not sure why I bother living. I get sidetracked, I fall into another pattern I swore I wouldn’t fall into ever again. Sometimes I get reckless. I make dumb decisions, and yes, I did know better, but did it anyway. I fall into lust and sometimes have an almost masochistic need to blow stuff up, just to see what happens in the aftermath; and just because I really, really want to feel alive.
I am selfish at times. I am impatient, judgmental as hell, I cuss a lot, I’m sarcastic and super cynical and arrogant. Yes, I am all of these and then some!

The point is that I am also the opposite; most of the times. But what, if anything, I have learned and still am learning is the fact that I cannot be one without the other. I want to explore. I want to jump off the cliff, I want to experiment and see what happens. I want to spew, rant, rave, I want to punch, I want to yell, be reckless, I want to give in to my whims for the heck of it. I want to see what it feels like to fall without a safety net. Best of all, this may blow up and go badly at times, but hey, it beats being depressed and bored to death, while whining about the things I’ve missed or wished I would have done. And let’s be completely honest here, I am a very high functioning Carmen and would always make sure that my career and my very life is not at jeopardy. For the rest of it, anything goes!

There is a reason that I have Horus, Anubis and Isis tattooed on me. I did not choose angels (although, I challenge anyone to do their research on angels before they judge, because my favorite Archangel Michael, is quite a warrior and smiter). I chose war gods. I chose the god of the heavens, taking revenge on Seth, and raining fire. I chose Anubis, the god of the Underworld, the god of darkness! And lastly, Isis, the goddess of magic and healing and light! Look back throughout history. There is always light and dark and one cannot, will not exist without the other. And if you want to go into a diatribe about your loving god, read the old testament!

Life, so much more fun if you understand that you are perfect just the way you are.


Supervillains vs. Superheroes

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And today we witness another battle between good and bad in the never ending saga and continuing fight for Carmen’s soul and happiness.

In the ring, as of this morning, we have Captain Low-Self-Esteem, teamed up with Doctor Fear and Mr. Doubt in the right corner. In the left corner we have Little Ms. Sunshine, Supergirl and Lady Optimistic.

Round 1: Captain LSE throws a left hook to Little Ms. Sunshine, temporarily dazing her. But wait, Supergirl steps into the arena and deals a right cross to Doctor Fear, who goes down like a sack of hot potatoes. Meanwhile, Lady Optimistic snuck up from the back and knocks out Mr. Doubt with a combo of left cross, right hook and a roundhouse to the head.

Lights out for Mr. Doubt. Mr. LSE, now outnumbered, turns around and runs as fast as he can. And for today, the winners are Little Ms. Sunshine, Supergirl and Lady Optimistic. The fight for C.H.’s soul and happiness was won for today and she shall live another day, feeling worthy, happy, strong, unafraid and optimistic.

One day at a time. And tomorrow, when/if these sons of bitches show up again, I’ll knock their ass down again; until they finally realize, there is no fight to be won here. No trophy to be attained and no arena or audience for their dirty fights, filthy mouths and crazy voices. Happiness, it’s a fight and I’m doing it right.


Stillness – Overjoyed and Undershared

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It is usually very loud in my head. It’s probably like that for most people. The constant chatter and thought highway, the worries, the fears, the stress, the sadness, the regret (yes, I am purposely using negative emotions, as they are the biggest culprits in creating noise) and insecurities are exhausting, because they are very difficult to stop or even remotely get under control. Personally, I feel that social networking and the constant need/want to maybe get validation for our existence, make it worse. I remember how MySpace was a constant source of drama and stress for me; and Facebook isn’t too far from it sometimes.

I am no better than the rest. There are times when I spend a LOT of time on Facebook, happily sharing silly pictures, wise quotes or random crap. I haven’t quite gotten to the point where I just share my every move, but when I am spiraling I am pretty close to that point. I found that my true state of mind can easily be measured by my Facebook activity; or lack thereof. And my friends know it! Which I think is one of the plus sides, since I have a hard time reaching out when I don’t feel great.

On the flip side, when I feel great, I don’t share/hardly share on Facebook or anywhere else for that matter. It’s like with poetry. I write the best stories/poetry or blogs when I am sad or depressed. Unfortunately, not a whole lot comes to mind when I am happy. I have always known this about me, but couldn’t quite figure out why, until it suddenly became clear as day for me as of recent.

Have you ever had the perfect day/night/moment? Have you ever had an experience where something suddenly clicked in your, usually super loud, mind and you remembered what it is all about? It’s the “aha” moment that finally awakens you from, what seemed to be, a nightmare or a cage you had created for yourself and frees you from the shackles that bound and compelled you to recreate the same patterns over and over and over.

Bjork said in “Pagan Poetry,” “This time I’m going to keep it all to myself.” And she said in “Come to Me,” “Don’t make me say it. It would burst the bubble (and) break the charm.” When the “aha” moment happens for me the noise suddenly stops. It gets quiet in my mind, my constant flow of words ceases and so does my need to control, do anything, lead, fear, worry or overcompensate. I suddenly am fully aware of my surroundings and realize that all that matters right now is the very moment I am experiencing. I then remember that I control nothing and no one, but my perception of what is happening. I feel amazingly alive and present and all the little distractions no longer register.

Recently, I had such a moment. It just all stopped. The constant chatter, the rat race, the fears, the insecurities and I felt as if I was on top of the world (which I was to some degree). I realized that all that matters is a moment. I realized that what we fear the most is quite often a figment of our own, bad imagination; and that we make life so much more difficult than what it has to be. Yes, I am quite often my own worst enemy and in this moment I didn’t want to do that anymore. I felt whole, complete, strong and fearless and dropped my reigns.
Anything is now possible. Amazing things may come my way because there is space now. This moment was so profound that I have not shared it, nor will I share it with anyone, for it almost feels sacrilegious to talk about it. Yes, I will keep it all to myself, hold on to it, so this love and appreciation can spread, multiply and keep my doors open and my canvas blank; and the noise may be kept at bay for as long as possible.

Each time I want to default to my old ways I simply say “all is the way it should be. All is perfect and right and if it isn’t, I trust that it simply does not serve, no longer belongs or wasn’t meant to be.” I trust that I can be my own beacon now. Yes, this time, I’m going to keep it all to myself; and neither burst the bubble nor break the charm.

 


Up and Down (And Round and Round)

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Whenever I read status updates on Facebook, or see stuff on Twitter, it’s all about inspirational and motivational messages. People’s updates are quotes and great articles, showing what great thinkers and peaceful warriors they are. Of course, I am no different and do the same on many occasions. Sure, no one wants to read the constant stream of whinery and douche baggery from people either, but for myself I prefer the human part of a post.

My life is a roller coaster. There are ups and downs. There is static, weirdness, loathing, happiness, self-destruction, fear, sadness, humor, depression and wonderment. My life is at times amazing and other times it sucks so much that it is difficult for me to breathe. Sometimes I want to hug the world, laugh and share my “wealth” and other times I am curled up in a ball, crying and sobbing. I often feel super confident and can stand firmly in who I am and other times I am needy, petty and insecure. My mind has an amazing ability to imagine wonderful things and other times it gets so dark and bad in there that I dare not share with anyone what I am thinking. Sometimes I am over-sharing and other times I share superficial crap or nothing at all. I don’t necessarily need attention, but sometimes I feel I need confirmation that I am still alive and that someone actually gives a shit.

My life is a movie; and sometimes I think it’s the worst story ever written. But regardless, I feel it deserves to be heard and shared in hopes that someone, even if only one person, may understand that no one is perfect and all of us have our cross to bear and our high times and low times. For me it’s important to say that my flaws are many but my strengths do make up for them; at least most of the time. I make no excuses for myself. I admit that most of my crap is, in fact, my crap; brought on by yours truly. No one did anything to me that I didn’t invite, in one way or another. I am no longer a child. I am responsible for my crap, my poor and my great decisions. I am not a victim and I’m not innocent. But I do own and take full responsibility for all awesomeness and rock bottom moments I experience.

Today I had a conversation with someone who told me they wished they were as strong as me; as confident and happy. I hugged the person and told them that sometimes I fake it to make it through the day. I told them that I am no stranger to depression, fear, anxiety, anger and pain, but that I do choose most of the time to represent how it looks like when one gets through the shit storm. I think it’s important to share that there is another side; even if only to remind myself at times!

So, excuse the occasional spewing of raw emotion as I write and release. But today, I stand firmly in being anything but perfect and being as vulnerable, scared and afraid as the next. I make stupid decisions and I ignore my gut feeling a lot to serve my ego. I have read a lot of books and still don’t think myself wise. Alas, I come out on the other side victorious, strong, peddling, breathing, smiling and winking.


Happiness is Learned and Earned – Not Given

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I’ve read a lot of books in my lifetime. I have walked many paths and sought out many avenues; all in the attempt to find happiness. But despite all the “work” I did, happiness would often elude me. This didn’t stop me from searching and of course, over time I learned that happiness cannot be found from outside sources, but must come from within. But what many of the books and therapists failed to explain to me is that happiness is also a learned behavior. It is difficult to achieve something you cannot grasp, something you have not experienced and therefore wouldn’t quite know when you have found it. In the end, it is like asking another how it feels to be high when you never took drugs.

In concept it always sounds so easy. Reading all the self-help books anyone could ever ask for, sternly following the instructions and wondering what I did wrong, because it didn’t quite work that way for me. I remember getting frustrated, especially when reading crap like “The Secret.” I was supposed to have no attachment to anything, while not having any “bad” thoughts and banishing any thought of anger, sadness, despair, hate or fear. I felt that a lot of these books asked me to stop being human. And each time I failed, I figured it had to be me. Maybe I was too (<–insert bad thing here) and not enough of something other and apparently, caused all the bad things in my life.

It took many years, and might take me yet a few more, to realize that happiness is actually hard work; for me that is. I realized that it requires a shift in who I am and how I perceive the world and most importantly, it would require me to take every day actions that would eventually overwrite my faulty hardwiring. The same hardwiring that kept playing messages in my head that were not true, but nonetheless real and influential to me. I’ve spent thousands of dollars in therapy, training, and anything else that claimed to change who I am. I was willing to try, well, I thought whatever it took, and boy, did I miss the point, many times.

See, there is a price that comes with happiness. At least that is what I have encountered. For me, happiness sometimes requires to be selfish. Something I am not good at, because I keep confusing taking care of myself as being selfish. Sometimes happiness means to be firm when you just want to give in, because it is easier. It may mean to give up people and situations you’ve known for years and sticking with someone or something you’ve never known and therefore can’t predict. Sometimes happiness means that you have to drop a lifetime of inauthenticity, blow up your life and all you know and are comfortable with; and how many of us are able to do that? Happiness is learned and requires practice; and the actions one has to take to be happy often seem daunting, frightening and downright lonely.

Sure, I’ll break down and I get angry and resentful, hating on those who have robbed me of the tools to create what I have always searched so desperately. But at the end of the day, nothing can change the past. I have the responsibility to stop whatever cycle I am in. I have to be the one who takes charge and that task seems overwhelming and too much at times. But what if I wake up one day and realize that I pissed away my chance to be the best I can be and have the life I was meant to have, because I was too scared and too complacent to walk within my own truth; and allowed my core to shine?

What they never tell you in the books is that it takes a bomb. Blow it all up. Blow your life to smithereens and start rebuilding from ground up. Maybe, just maybe, instead of looking at ruins, you will find that you were given at blank canvas to create, paint and be whomever you were meant to be. And maybe, just maybe, it requires to stop fearing what others may think of you and learning that you are the most important one in your own life and that you owe it to yourself to learn happiness. Happiness – I am learning it. And no, it doesn’t seem easy or natural. Alas, I am doing it…


Liar, Liar – Aren’t We a Dishonest Bunch?

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I used to have a strict “rule” about inviting people into my life. Well, let me take that back, I have/had many rules, but on the very top was always looking for people who are honest. By honest I meant honest with others and themselves. The problem is that I feel this rule might be completely unreasonable, given the sheer amount of BS we consistently tell ourselves to make things, namely our actions and words, acceptable, when we know we just blatantly missed the boat of integrity.

I am not pointing a single finger here. I suffer from diarrhea of the mouth and yet, I can “honestly” say that I lie, too. Actually, while I wear the hat of honesty, I might as well admit that I lie all the time. I’d like to think that I don’t really lie to others, but I do know that I lie to myself all the time, which inadvertently sparks dishonesty with others.

How many times do I tell someone “it’s OK” when it’s not? How many times do I tell someone that their actions and words didn’t hurt me when they did. How often do I play the strong one, when I am not? I have a reputation to defend. And sadly, all this crap I created is a rather large cage that contains at times my very core. Sometimes, I don’t even know anymore where my armor starts or ends. I know a great deal about coping and keeping everything under control and I think that might be the biggest fault of mine. What others see as strength seems nothing like a bunch of dishonest crap I fabricate to keep “the dream alive…”

Don’t we all do that? Do we resign ourselves to mediocracy so we can feel a false sense of security and safety, while continuing our path of dishonesty? Because how hard is it to truly look at yourself in the mirror, maybe laugh, maybe cry and yell “You are a complete farce! Now get up and stop fixing, controlling, holding on and just let it all go to hell!” How great would it be to look at life with an almost morbid curiosity and declare yourself to be honest from now on; if not with others, at least with yourself! I think that space is where true freedom would start.

I think I may simply have to try that and report back.