There have been a whole sleuth of amazing articles on introverts on Facebook lately. Each time I read them I feel strangely validated and happy to see that I am “normal” after all. I just view the world, and the people in it, very differently from most people.
As previously described by other introverts, I am not depressed, I am not shy, I am not arrogant, I am not anti-social, in a bad mood or lazy. I just simply prefer to be alone. I have a special ability to even do that in a crowd. I can escape into my head and become “invisible” and no longer remain present to anything that is going on around me; which gives the impression that I am arrogant or not engaged. Yes, I can look straight at someone but not see them, because I am caught up in a super interesting thought process or daydream. I can’t tell you how often my mother suspected I was on drugs, even though I never touched any of them!
The thing is that I love people; I just don’t love them in groups and I love some more than others. And I generally choose to not spend too much time with those I don’t love a whole lot. I prefer an intense conversation, which I can hold for hours, if it is stimulating enough for me, over small talk, which I hate and don’t really know how to do. I run predominantly on two modes, I either have a whole lot to say about a certain topic or theme, or nothing at all. I love spending time one-on-one, but as soon as we are talking more than three people, I’m no longer all that interested. But no, that does not mean that I have a problem presenting anything to a large crowd. Presenting or speaking works well with my nerdy side, which can focus with amazing precision on anything I am truly interested in or passionate about.
Honestly, I feel great being at home. I create an amazing home; for me that is. I love interior decorating and create a sanctuary, not just a place to stay. This means I have no problem spending hours, days, even weeks without ever leaving the house. My most favorite vacation is at home, doing the things I like doing, which includes a variety of things like reading, watching an entire season of anything (for example, I spent an entire weekend watching the entire first season of “The Walking Dead”), playing hours of computer games, writing blogs or “doing projects.”
I can spend hours shopping…preferably in one store…in the early morning hours, before the crowds arrive. I love to travel, but prefer being in a cool hotel having drinks, with one or two people in the hotel bar, or by the pool (provided said pool is not crowded).
No, I never really get bored and I am rarely lonely. I used to say that I have enough voices in my head to keep me company for a lifetime. Was I ever different? No, not really. I used to go clubbing on my own as a teenager, because even back then I hated being at the mercy of another. When I am done, I am done and want to leave; not being stuck because others want to stay.
I admit that it isn’t easy being me. There is always the slight awkwardness in knowing that you don’t quite fit in with the crowd; quite literally. I get super excited when I meet anyone who sparks my interest, but then get so caught up in the possibility of being connected that I overthink, overreact or disappoint by being too unfiltered. Ultimately, this is the one thing I often wished I had more of – true connectedness and “human touch.” However, I also admit that I often rather not take the chance, because I do end up getting disappointed by people quite frequently. And of course, it is not easy being with me in a relationship or friendship, because I am either on or off, I sometimes lose interest rather fast, I don’t like partying or clubbing (except maybe once a year) and yes, I am, or my thought process are complex, complicated and never easy.
See, a lot of the “rules” that society dictate make no sense to me. Amongst these rules are things like having no expectations (I am filled with them and struggle with the notion that I am not supposed or allowed to have them), not speaking my mind or pretending that I am OK when I am not; so overall, people and their rules are confusing and as I said above, I am either over-compensating by talking a whole lot, because I am not sure what is expected of me, or I am completely disengaged.
Because it is all just too much to ponder and I already have to be “on” all day at work, I usually rather not engage and happily curl up on my couch, with my favorite blanket, writing. Of course, being an introvert, I prefer writing over speaking.
So, I will be there when I am needed. I am there when people can offer me true, genuine connectedness and when I get their undivided attention. However, anything aside that just drains me and yes, will usually inspire me to simply not bother leaving my home. Just know, this does not mean I don’t love you. Chances are I am silently watching/observing 🙂