Most of us live our lives as if we had an infinite amount of time and space available. We repeat our patterns and our destructive ways of being, and we refuse to change them, because getting rid of our chains requires work, dedication and commitment and most of us simply don’t have the energy or need to do that. Most of us never really hit rock bottom either. We just learn to cope with the crap. After all, repeating what we are hardwired to do is so much easier, even if it causes us continuous heartache. Dare I say, there seems to be an almost masochistic want in us to just keep marching to the same bullshit beat.
My beat – what has been my beat? My beat has been all about proving to some invisible part of my being that I truly am not worth the time and effort, as my parents taught me. No, there is no sadness, no “woe is me” part here at all. It’s just a tiny grain, one that sometimes drives invisibly and yet quite forcefully how I react, interact and what/whom I attract. My relationships and friendships have been overwhelmingly underwhelming; driven by the most common denominator – being around those who could neither give me the love, loyalty, effort or time I craved. Sure, I learned to get better. Therapy kinda does that for you. Oh, how much I loved my emotionally unavailable and self-absorbed lovers, partners and friends.
I went all out. I had no children, but became a driven business woman. I became successful, I made my own money and enough of it to not ever have to rely on anyone to make it; and I had fun to boot. I used my uncanny ability to read people and turned it into a profession. I found happiness…or did I? I watched everyone slowing down, procreating, settling, while I ran at lightning speed, spinning like a tornado across the globe; literally and figuratively speaking. And of course, I bought into the idea that I truly had shaken off all my chains. I had bought the illusion that I was free.
I found free when I blew it all up. I blew up my life, my security. I sold my home, my furniture, my “things,” found homes for my kitties, left my husband and moved up state, where I found, well, where I am finding me. I am finding me in her rawest form. I am finding me with a bunch of clothes, huddled up in a temporary housing place, no roots, no home, no one to come home to, no one to run to, no one to turn to – no chains. All bets are off. Nothing is what it once was and it’s painful, and it’s uncomfortable and yet it is so liberating. It hurts and it’s invigorating.
The rat in the cage still wants to take the chains and put them back on. I still want to run and shackle myself and yet, now I am starting to know better. I have found tears here. I have found heartbreaking, gut wrenching sadness and my heart being torn into shreds for what I have lost and for the fear of the unknown and for wondering if I am too unreasonable and for the what ifs. I find myself sitting on my bed, legs crossed, toppled over with head in hands, sobbing and shaking in ways I had forgotten. But I’m shaking it away this damn need to please and to make another happy and to lose myself for the sake of what I should be doing and what someone else may expect me to do.
When the tears subside, there is this ball of energy in my gut, expanding up my spine, shooting through my hands and my eyes, mouth, nose, my crown and then there is just strength and the deepest feeling of gratitude for having loved myself enough to no longer allowing myself to be shackled, sad, torn and longing. I wrap my arms around me, then stretch them out wide and shine. Yes, these days I shine. I shine on my own, some days brighter, some days less bright, but nevertheless, I shine. I have freed myself. I ran up to the cliff, I never stopped, I ran and jumped and I’m free-falling now.
Standing a bit wobbly, but I am standing tall. “You can never know the odds. If you don’t play you’ll never win…”