Read this article! Opens a new world to self-entitled people who think they are charming enough for people to put up with their BS and douche baggery.
Today, I’d like to talk about the basic idea of intuition. We all have it and some of us are pretty good at it. I use intuition in my job as fraud prevention professional a lot. However, what most of us do not realize is what intuition truly is and that intuition can, in fact, be fooled quite easily.
What we have to remember is that intuition, like everything else in our physical body, is dependent on brain function. The brain makes decisions based on numerous factors, including experience, input from our five senses and a few other parts (neuroconnections) that fire rapidly. A really good book here is “Blink” by Malcolm Gladwell. What most of us do not necessarily like to admit is that our intuition does often include wishful thinking, as does our memory! Did you ever notice how certain things that have happened in your past become better (or worse) as time passes, until one of your friends reminds you “no, that’s not at all what happened!”
My point is to not rule out your intuition. There is something to be said about our ability to make quick decisions, before reason and logic tear it apart and overwrite it. But this should not be the only thing you rely on. I am talking about relationships, specifically. While my intuition generally works well in detecting “bad” people, it does not do so well when it comes to the gray areas or people who are not necessarily bad, but also not necessarily good. The neutral people are hard to figure out and so are sociopaths and those who deliberately conceal who they are; especially those who buy into a certain persona and firmly believe themselves to be the person they are portraying! Yes, I do believe that there is often something in our gut that says that something isn’t right, but even if there isn’t, we should still not simply overwrite reason and logic and move on to our wishful thinking phase.
When we meet people, especially as it pertains to relationships, we want them to be good. Nobody goes out and says “I want to meet a jerk.” No, we want someone who is compatible, who likes us back, is available and good to us. But especially when it comes to the “compatible” part things can get murky. So when we go out with someone who is clearly not compatible with us (example: they drink every day and you don’t drink; they are polyamorous and you are monogamous, etc.), we have a tendency to ignore these things, usually in the foolish hope that they “didn’t mean it,” or may change. After all, we followed our instinct; and our gut told us that this is the one!
I am an idealist and I do believe that instant connection is possible. However, I do not believe that instant love is possible. I also do no longer believe that love at first sight is possible. To really appreciate, trust and fall in love with someone, it does take time. To truly commit to someone, you have to know who you are committing to and you have to decide if that commitment makes sense to you, and you only. While I am not an expert in anything, for me, commitment makes sense only then when it is reciprocative and earned. I used to make commitments based on instinct and found that my intuition has been wrong on quite a few occasions.
I am fully aware that there is a romantic notion that gets destroyed once we realize that most things we should be doing are based on sound decisions coming from the informed parts of our brain; not the wishful thinking part of our heart or experiences. It takes something away when we realize that we simply cannot predict another person’s behavior and actions, because they, too, have free will and may not have been what we wished, hoped or wanted them to be. It makes it hard to be idealistic, but I remain an idealist in the sense that I still believe that most people are good. It just doesn’t mean they are good for me!
When we are lonely and sad and all we want is to be loved, we may want to cling so strongly to that notion that we are willing to overwrite all common sense and reasoning. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t take risks, but it does mean that we should wait, observe and carefully consider to whom and why we give our love, heart and affections to. We all are special in our own way and we deserve to be happy. This happiness will not be given to you by others, but can and only will come from within. So take your time, do not settle and only give your heart to the one who deserves it, treats it tenderly and in return, gives his/her heart to you, too.
May you all be loved and cherished the way you want, deserve and hope to be.
“In my mind is the sound of rudderless ships, a time and a time, a time and a time and a time and a time.
So much silence has deafened our ears, so much emptiness hinders our movements, lost in the earth and lost in the air around my hollow globe…”
We think it is all so incredibly difficult. We think that life is difficult and our relationships are complicated and nothing makes sense. Everything is so confusing and we wish we would have done things differently. If we could only have clarity for just a moment, if we’d only know what to do. If we could only figure “it” out and finally reach the destination of eternal bliss and happiness. So we study different philosophies and we become introspective. We go to therapy and we learn different methods of calming the inner beast and damn it, still no happiness and bliss. Why, why does the formula not appear and why do we keep missing the boat and why does this simple thing elude us? Don’t we deserve it? Aren’t we good people, with great values; loving and caring and kind. Why?
I think the reason is that there is no formula. Nothing eludes us, we are not really missing anything and there is nothing to be found. I think it boils down to simple choices we can make every single day. If we can only get this thought out of our head that we are incomplete or doing something wrong (I am deliberately avoiding the term “buying into the illusion” as it is often used in new age and spiritual terms).
As long as there is free will people will be unpredictable. There is no way in telling what will happen. There is no way in knowing if he/she will stay with you forever, if you’ll keep your job, your friends, when people die, and what may occur. There is no telling!!! We think we need to find happiness via finding people that will bring it to us and the truth is, these people do not exist.
What does exists is our commitment to do what we do with integrity and honesty. We can set our own standards and boundaries and not waiver on them. We can do the best that we can do in being true to ourselves and do what makes us happy, regardless of what other people think or feel about it. We can choose our relationships, personal and professional, based on making the best decision with the pieces of information we had at the time. And importantly, we can forgive ourselves for making mistakes and understanding that not all our decisions will be golden and pan out the way we hoped they would.
The key to happiness is being happy with oneself! Love yourself, forgive yourself for the stupid things you’ve done, the mistakes you’ve made and focus on learning from them. Understand that sometimes it takes a few tries to get it right. It doesn’t make you stupid, it just means it didn’t sink in the first time. No big deal! Next time you’ll do it right. There always is a next time; just don’t give up!
It is completely irrelevant what happened in the past. You can’t change it. You can only change how you look at things from now on and how you learn from your journey and make the best out of every situation. You can choose to be kind to yourself and to be the best that you can be, no matter who is there or who isn’t. I think if you learn to complete yourself, then whatever/whoever else is coming in is more likely to add greatness, instead of merely filling a void. Don’t compromise, don’t sell out, don’t give up, never stop learning and be selfish.
Have at it! Live, love, laugh!
It’s been a time for introspection for me these past 2+ months. I find that connection, while something I crave, is not necessarily something that comes easy to me. I think it has everything to do with the fact that I am deeply afraid of opening up to anyone and being vulnerable. I think it also has something to do with the fact that I am not sure how true connection looks like. I misread the queues and I don’t trust the signals I am getting as authentic or lasting.
The whole thing has gotten so confusing to me that I naturally want to avoid it. No, this doesn’t mean I do avoid it, but I struggle nonetheless and my natural instinct is to run away from getting close.
I have lived against my grain since I have moved up North. I don’t have it all under control, I still sometimes “lose it” and there are situations where I am more confused than I care to admit. But I do try to work through it all. A big part of it is to find the balance between the caring and loving person I believe myself to be and yet not caring too much or taking things too personal; and not taking on other peoples issues or “projects.”
I have gotten a lot of attention up here but find to my surprise that, once my initial fix was satisfied, I don’t really care for it all that much anymore. My hamster ball has become my refuge, but not a prison. I do cherish curling up in my own world so much, and while I do have no quarrels about sharing my hamster ball, I have no desire to rush into allowing anyone in, or granting that spot as easily as I once may have in the past. Spots are no longer granted by mere applying for it.
I am confused and neatly split between wanting to be connected and a fear of letting anyone close to me or experiencing true intimacy. My fear of rejection and disappointment keeps me safely at bay and allows me to protect my heart, while I explore what the world has to offer.
I am finding myself these days. I have my values and my core beliefs, which haven’t changed, but my outlook on what is right or wrong, bad or good has changed. I sure as hell judge a lot less these days, focus a lot less on others and more on myself and attempt to stay present and out of my head as much as possible.
I hate it at times. It is difficult. It isn’t quite “normal” for me just yet, but I overall feel pretty good and happy, more so than feeling unhappy and scared. I do what makes me feel happy, with little regard of how other people think or feel about that or may judge me.
My hardwiring wants me to hide in the ball and mourn for the loss I feel and for the lack of connection I am experiencing, but then I shake myself free and realize that there is no true loss, when one learns to be the best one can be. I am living by my three main values of honesty, integrity and loyalty and find that I can look at myself, respecting myself and love myself, even when not all things are running as smooth as I’d like them to run.
“Time is on my side…yes it is!”