Nothing, and I mean nothing, hurts me more than watching someone I love or care for self-destruct, or get destroyed by someone else. Somehow, I almost cannot help myself but have to fight the battle for them. I have to jump in and DO something, instead of just standing aside and watching from the sidelines, hoping they’d get it on their own, or hoping they can defend themselves and will define their boundaries; which happens, pretty much never.
It is one of those things that keep killing me and have me fall on my butt, and yet, I almost compulsively HAVE to step in. It doesn’t matter if it is about an abused animal, hate groups, like the Westboro Baptist Church, spreading pain, an employee, complete stranger, friend, family, husband or anyone else. Having been on the receiving end of bullying, ignorance, abuse, denial and complete cowardice, I find it hard to “resist” the urge to jump into battle.
Over the years, this has cost me dearly. I had to learn that I cannot teach anyone anything. That victims will remain victims, abusers will remain abusive, crazy people will keep on with their delusions of righteousness and that the crowd will stand by and do nothing. It is hard to remain positive or even trust when watching the sheer amount of bad people, followed by an equally large amount of cowards, who neither have the balls, nor the convictions to tell them off. Apathy and indifference are found almost everywhere.
I could be one of the crazy recluses; maybe, I am not too far from that already. I don’t particularly like people, especially in crowds, which is odd, because at the same time feel deep compassion and pity for them. That is until they hurt, betray or strike me or someone else again. Meanwhile, I love staying in “Stepford” with my two dogs, two cats and my husband, watching movies, doing yoga or whatever else that makes me happy. Mingling with the herd is not giving me pleasure, but tends to frustrate the hell out of me.
Over the years I have fought many “useless” battles. But to the contrary of what people may believe about me, it isn’t necessarily winning that drives me; and rarely do I feel that it is actually about me. For me it is something much deeper; namely the fact that “they” got away with it. The fact that abusers, fakes, cowards, liars and eternal victims get away with it, because no one has the balls to stand up to them, because no one wants to be confrontational or fix what is broken. The whole dynamic brings out an almost seething hatred in me that makes me feel quite ashamed at times, because after all, being the yoga practicing, peace seeking individual I mostly am, and feel I am supposed to be, does not go along with the combative, outspoken, attacking warrior chick I turn into when I observe major douche-baggery. Society teaches us to not feel angry and to not be aggressive, because that is seen as being “negative” and in our new age world, nothing is more frowned upon than being negative or harsh.
Of course, it isn’t up to me to fight battles for everyone else. There is no way I can make another one see how destructive and abusive they are, if the one being abused is simply too tired to fight back. So, I bite my tongue… a lot! I have learned that it is better to keep my mouth shut and avoid some people altogether. I have learned that the jerks of the world will not only never learn, but never hear a word anyone else is telling them. Talking to them is a waste of breath. Just imagine trying to convince a crazy person that they are crazy?!
I am, however, deeply disappointed in how easy it comes to most to be complacent, weak, judgmental, delusional, dishonest and quite frankly, shitty human beings. The endless excuses for doing the wrong thing and hurting others, being cold-hearted and selfish are never ending. And while I have kicked out such individuals of my life, I feel bad for others who cannot do the same.
Thank god for my profession and thank god for others who also fight injustice. Meanwhile, I’d just wished that mental health care in this country would be more readily available and affordable for those who need it the most. I wished more people would open their mouths, feel compelled to do the right thing, tell the truth and own up to their crap. I wished people would be accountable, had more integrity, more decency and would stop blaming, then point fingers. I wished there were more Gandhis, Mother Theresas, Dali Lamas and just plain, good hearted, courageous and inspring people. I wished there would be less victims and more “real” people; and of course, more loyalty in this world.
In the end, I can’t change anyone. I can, however, at least do my part to not ever become like that, regardless of how difficult or plain painful it can get. In the end, all we have is our love; especially the love for ourselves. And while I sometimes flat out miss the mark in being compassionate to douche canoes, I can at least say that I have a great deal of compassion for those less fortunate than me and those who were wronged. Maybe, in my “next life” I’ll be a modern Robin Hood!