Dear Love,

Today I’m here to tell you that I love you, deeply and truly! You need to know this, because I’ve noticed that you are doing it again. You are doubting, feeling down and worse, you let the fear reign again.

Sweety, you are OK! It’s OK to still go through this. You’ve been trying, I know. You’ve been meditating, visualizing and you’ve purged so much. But, Darling, it takes time. Be patient, I swear it will work out. It always does, remember!?

I know you want to cite past experiences, situations and people, but they don’t matter. You are in the now, now! When you visualize, you’re creating memories from your future. I know that you still struggle with the self-love bit. I know you still sometimes cry when you are asked to visualize that; that’s ok. Because I’ve also noticed how often you laugh now; and how much joy and bliss you’ve experienced as of late.

See, you ARE holding the good thoughts much longer now. You haven’t given up. No, not you, my sweet little fighter. You defiantly wipe away those tears and try again. And that’s why it’ll work out. Your life is amazing, you are loved by so many, go and love yourself like they do. You can. Your light has been shining like a giant beacon. Look around at all these new faces in your life. They all have one thing in common – they smile at you. See, now you are drawing those who not only see you for who you are, but love you because of it. Let’s not disappoint them, by making their love and light meaningless, when we proclaim, if even in the smallest voice, doubts about that offering.

You are the light. You are magnificent and amazing in every way, because of who you are. So, listen well, sweet warrior goddess, I love you. Always and forever.

Love and Light,

Your Higher Self


The Heart of a Moonchild

When I was a child I used to have the most vivid imagination. I literally spent years dreaming up new worlds, people, situations and identities. I had wings and didn’t care for reality, or better what people told me was real or possible/not possible and not real. I constantly reinvented myself and didn’t care if the new creation was one people deemed acceptable or not.

This part always stayed with me. It’s the very core of my being. Yes, I’d try to hide it and shut it down, but how can you shut off your core? So, out of necessity, I created numerous versions of myself; sadly, often versions I thought other people wanted or needed me to be. This turned the simple act of love often into agony.

See, when I was a child I learned how to truly see the true core of others; before it was corrupted, morphed, distorted, damaged and surrounded by walls. I got in trouble for it. I was often accused of seeing the world through rose-colored glasses, being a dreamer, detached, unfocused and way too sensitive. My mom would punish me for it, my teachers would note it in my report cards and my friends would scold me for it, instructing me how to “toughen up.” To me, this was my magic power. I was able to see potential, where others didn’t. I saw beauty in things others missed. And of course, this ability scared the living crap out of many. It’s difficult for some to be around a person who cannot be lied to, speaks truth at all cost and, to quote a few, would hold up a mirror to them, showing them who they really are; not who they want others to see.

There were labels for me, so many labels: intense, scary, judgmental, too much, fierce, the wild card, too honest, too open, not filtered enough, in dire need of a drink or drug; and the saddest of all: too sensitive. I tried to be less and tone down my being, but honestly, I didn’t like myself very much when I was censored, subdued and guarded. And again, love would be agony.

How could I be me, all of me, without drawing those who needed my energy to sustain, or those who would run from the tornado I was? How could I fall in love deeply and safely and be loved back just as deeply? I felt so lost in a world that, to me, seemed mostly filled with people who struck me as cold, self-absorbed, angry, broken and void of magic.

The answers came slowly and over years. I had to simply let go of the world and the people in it. I had to see and be my own magic. I had to reach within and stop looking to the outside. I started dancing again – alone, when no one was watching. I started singing more, laughing, crying, feeling and exploring – alone. I fell in love again, deeply and fiercely, with my beautiful, magical and fragile, sensitive, yet amazingly strong core. I’d sweep her up in my arms, spin until we were dizzy, hold her close and tell her that she is loved; just the way she is and exactly for who she is.

People will always judge me, good and bad, but it doesn’t really matter so much anymore. As long as I can truly love myself and stand in who I am firmly and strongly, I can trust, let go of any attachment and know that each Moonchild has their stars-in-eyes, strong hearted and fierce warrior, who will sweep her up, take her by the hand and love her fiercely and truly, because she is so sensitive.

 

And this, so much this!

You Don’t Need A Man, You Need a Goddamn Warrior.
Kate RoseVia Kate Roseon Aug 12, 2015

Warning: naughty language ahead!

To my sweet wild woman, I know why it hasn’t worked out with anyone else—you don’t need a man, but a goddamn warrior.

You are the strength of Turkish coffee at sunrise darlin’ and don’t try to pretend that you’re not.

You are one of the wild ones, and no matter how you tried to hide that fact, you can’t be anything other than what you are—and that’s okay. You are just as you are supposed to be, magnificently wild in all of your chaotic beauty.

I know you’ve had your heart broken and I know that you don’t understand why it always seems to never work out, but I’ve finally figured it out:

You don’t need a man, you need a goddamn warrior.

It doesn’t matter if this warrior drives a Jeep or a shiny sports car, and it won’t matter if he wears silk or cotton—it will not even matter if he works in a high-rise, or on the night shift.

What is going to matter is that when it comes to taking bets on your heart, he is going to be high stakes—all the way.

This warrior of yours will crave your strength, and your intensity. He’s going to look at you and not see something to tame, but something to just fuckin’ admire. This warrior of yours won’t be someone that you can manipulate or play with as you have in the past, so honey, don’t even try—and trust me, you’re going to love him even more because of it.

Because you aren’t just a woman, you’re a goddamn goddess.

Your fierceness is going to bring him to his knees every single time he looks into your gorgeous eyes, but the difference is, unlike the others, he isn’t going to be scared off. No, this time, you will have finally met your match—because a simple man for you just won’t do.

You need someone to match the fire in your eyes with his own. Not only that, my little wild thing, but this warrior of yours is going to want to encourage the flames instead of trying to douse them with his own insecurities.

Because for you, a warrior is the only man who will ever live in the wild with you.

He may not have to slay any dragons to earn your love, but he would still walk through fire if it meant seeing that amazing smile that you hold in reserve for only him.

This is the thing, free spirit, this warrior you seek….he’s seeking you too.

For he’s had failed relationships that have left him wondering if maybe he was meant to be alone for the rest of his journey—and you’re going to change all of that for him. You both have been travelling along on your separate journeys and have been doing an okay job at it, but that about to change too.

Because baby, when you and this warrior of yours meet and collide—it’s going to be a love set on fire.

Don’t try to run this time—I know your heart has been broken before, and that you’re not used to things working out, but this time it’s different. Give yourself time to see that.

This warrior of yours needs to see that it’s possible for someone to see all of his wild, and still be there when he craves his freedom and ventures off into this world for a bit. You won’t always need to follow him, just as he won’t always follow you. Let yourself stay wild, even when all you want to do is curl up in that spot along his side and forget the rest of the world exists.

Let yourself still wander naked under the full moon, and drink moonshine with the stars. Let yourself feel the pull of the wind on your heart, and the sun toward a new journey. Because this warrior is going to love you because of your wild—and he’ll want you to keep it.

You’ll be in this together now, this amazing, crazy, chaotic, wonderfully heartbreaking life—because it takes a warrior to love a goddess. And it takes a goddess to show a warrior what real love is.

So pack up your insecurities and your ideas about picket fences, because that was never you anyway. You were born knowing that you were destined for more, and now is the time for you to see what all those dreams look like.

There is no stopping a love like this, so promise me you’ll hold out just a little bit longer.

Have a little bit of hope, and always give love just one more try, because I promise you my sweet wild woman—the love that you seek is seeking you as well.


The Warrior Goddess

Now that it’s still enough, I can actually hear my heart again.

It’s been two years of agonizing heart break for me, desperately trying to put myself back together; and failing quite spectacularly. I guess I’m a great runner. It’s quite astounding how fast I can run and how numb I can go. Here I was thinking that my heart was aching, when the complete lack of tears should have given away how closed off I truly was. But nothing like my old companion of fibromyalgia to remind me again that shutting off one’s heart always lends a great hand to my mind to make the pain a physical reality.  Shut down by pain and fear I had buried myself in my cave, unwilling and unable to come back out. I rarely felt so dead in my life. And then back comes “the other one.”

I guess when all is said and done I’ll always find the warrior goddess in me. The one who puts up one hell of a fight and lives, loves and experiences deeply, fiercely and without fear. There is a reason my mom affectionately called me “kleine Hexe,” German for little witch but in the sense of enchantress, powerful, wise, little one. See, when I was a girl I saw with such clarity; and then I grew up. I guess the world has a way to kill the magic right out of you.

Maybe one can say that I woke up again. It started about three months ago, after experiencing another disappointment, but suddenly thought loud and clear “ha! You know what time it is? It’s fuck this shit o’clock,” And off I went like a rocket.

I did it all at once: started yoga again, added Bikram, swimming, took a seminar “thoughts become things,” started meditating, visualizing and reading again. I’d sit visualizing, repeating the mantra “I don’t know how and when, but it will all work out, because I’m coming back into my power again.” I created a vision board; and I allowed all this stagnant energy to drain. I’d meditate and cry, because I couldn’t believe the messages; at first. But slowly my world started to change. With each moment, day and breath my vision board started to manifest. The images deeply carved into my subconscious mind took form. And then something else happened! My heart resuscitated.

I sit here now on an island, figuratively and literally speaking as I’m in Maui, all alone to celebrate my birthday and my rebirth. I am not quite used to be so open and raw, but how glorious it is to be so alive, to feel everything so vividly and strongly. The pain is getting purged. This poison that ran it all, my mind, body and heart is getting extracted with each passing day.

In a way I’m like the Phoenix; sometimes you gotta die in the fire so you can be reborn in the ashes. There is a small voice that whispers “Ah, but if you are open, you are vulnerable.” Is that so? Well, there will always be some voice that is going to whisper small, doubting and hurtful words. All I’ll do is tilt my head, ever so lightly, listen, acknowledge and then send it packing. Pain may be a part of life, but so is joy, wonder, amusement, ecstasy, happiness and love.

Thoughts become things. I’m going to give mine wings, strength, courage and power. I’ll keep looking at my board, visualize my new reality, put a stupid grin on my face and just for good measure dance naked through my living room to my own music and the beat of my own drum.

When you can remember the warrior and goddess within, manifesting seems such an easy task. Just rip out the sword and slash the shackles that bind you to pieces.

Thoughts become wings. Thoughts become things. Thoughts are reality manifesting right in front of you. So be mindful of every thought and moment, because you may have crashed but you can always soar again. Quitting and running is for losers, but not ever for warriors,


Thoughts, Beliefs and Other Stuff

poster-happy-feel-less-med

For the past few months I have done quite a bit of soul searching. I did my “infinite possibilities” training and started meditating and visualizing again. Within these new parameters I discovered a few interesting truths about me. Some of them are pretty amazing and others are not so inspiring. The most important part I’ve re-learned is that my subconscious selection process in regards to my life choices showed some interesting patterns I wasn’t aware of. OK, let me rephrase that, maybe I was aware of the patterns to a degree, but not so much about the power I have to choose. I had truly forgotten.

In the past I was often baffled by my ability to make fairly good career moves. Sure, I can report some failures, but for the most part I had chosen pretty well when it came to my professional life. I was also pretty good in visualizing and creating most material things I’ve wanted, like cars and my house. My friend selections can be reported as quite successful, too. Again, a few choices resulted in failure, but the overall outcome was good and I still have a handful of super close friends I’ve had for more than 10 years. 

My health has always been challenging, starting when I was in 1st grade. However, I can report that I dealt with my challenges quite well; and still do. I never gave in and I never gave up and while I am often in a lot of pain, fibromyalgia doesn’t get the best of me. I can honestly report that the refusal to give up and choosing how I look at my condition keeps the outcome under enough control to not fall into complete and utter despair and instead, live a fairly qualitative life. The one thing I never truly mastered was relationships of the romantic kind. Again, not all were bad. As a matter of fact, the majority of them were decent. However, just like with the few bad friends I had, the small handful of bad relationships were so bad that they managed to instill certain negative behavioral patterns, because I had come to believe that my inability to “foresee” the outcome and to pick the right partner, meant that I was somehow deficient, incompetent, unworthy and non-deservant. It never occurred to me that these beliefs were lies. It never occurred to me that, besides choosing to be there and stay, it truly wasn’t my fault when people treated me badly.

One of my friends and role models recently posted Part 1 of this article on FB. I am going to post part 2, but you can read part 1 by clicking on the link on the top.

http://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner-part-2.html

Along with all the things I’ve learned recently, this article hit me like a ton of bricks; in a good way! I am now understanding that it is all my choice and with that comes a strange new freedom. I finally start to see that the “romantic” notion of love is not what makes a relationship successful. I’ve learned this lesson just recently, when I realized how much easier it was to be with someone I consider my best friend (the one who can withstand the “traffic test”), the one who can make me feel home (not judging me by superficial standards, having enough in common with me and giving me a genuine feeling of belonging) and finally, a person who is determined, or shall I say, committed to being with me and consistently act, speak and choose in ways that demonstrate said commitment. All the other stuff is fluff!

There used to be a time when I had checkboxes – I got rid of them. No, it doesn’t mean I dropped all my standards. I had to learn the difference between standards and superficial ego as well. I used to feel guilty for wanting someone who is financially stable. It didn’t even mean super rich. It meant that he is able to take care of himself and that he has ambition and passion, because I am a person with a lot of ambition and passion. I am someone who strives to have the best life possible and I can’t have that with someone who is unstable – financially, emotionally, mentally and physically. I used to feel guilty for having the minimum standards, because I despised superficial people my entire life. Until I realized that hair color, body type, car and all this other “fluff” meant nothing. Yes, I have one “superficial” thing (he has to be taller than me) and I found that it’s OK to want that. I also understand that there has to be initial attraction and chemistry, although I have to say that what causes this “spark” has drastically changed over the past 10 years.

There was a time when I had a type. My type has always been super tall and “unusual” looking. Long hair, tattoos, goth/punk/rock look, piercings, etc. drew me big time. I’d seek these types out and stubbornly refused to date a “normal” guy. I failed to accept for the longest time that these were not only unimportant traits, but that these were utterly wrong choices for me. With the look usually came a lifestyle, a way of being and speaking that didn’t fit me at all! I had nothing in common with the extreme types, because, as it turns out, I was way too normal and grounded for them. I thought that looks do not define a person, because I always felt that my looks didn’t define me. And while we may not always be able to judge a book by its cover, we can judge by who they are being, after numerous encounters and having spent enough time and space with them. Deep down inside I held another wrong belief, namely that people that looked different were different; in a self-confident, successful and sexy kind of way, which meant that being with someone like that would make me equally as self-confident and awesome. The belief was false and in many ways, I paid for it with a lot of heartache and sorrow. Until I learned the truth!

The truth, as it turns out, was that the looks were less important and didn’t account for chemistry! Sure, initial attraction matters, but what trumped all was how a person makes me feel, consistently. I suddenly found myself looking at everyone, but especially men, in a completely different light. I paid attention to how people made me feel and to what they’d bring out in me. There are some people, places and situations that just make you feel amazing and continuously bring out the best in you, therefore challenging you to grow and keep getting better in life. The trick was simply to have more of those experiences and less, if not to say none, of the negative, draining and disappointing experiences. It was a matter of choice, a matter of changing my mind and a matter of changing “my vibration,” if you will. False beliefs, insecurity, fear, sadness and anger only attracted the same into my life. I had to stop being these things, in order to stop attracting them into my life. I had to stop believing that I was this flawed and horrible person, based on what other people had done, said and chosen!

I now feel a change in my mind. It’s not as tangible and not quite as steady as I want it to yet, but so far it brings a certain peace of mind, happiness and laughter into my life. I am, for the first time, thrilled to be me – alone! I don’t need anyone to make me happy. I want someone who is willing and able to contribute. I am not willing to settle for just a body by my side. I have decided to rather be alone than with the wrong person. I have decided that happy, peaceful and awesome people are welcome, wanted and allowed. I have decided that each and every one of us has a wavelength, a frequency on which we are sending if you will, and that I want my partner to be on the same channel and frequency, sending vibes of laughter, love and awesomeness. When I die, I want to do so with a smile on my face, knowing that I conquered my demons and lived the life I was meant to have and deserved with every part of my being. So in closing, I’d like to add the following from TUT – A Note from the Universe:

Having preferences doesn’t mean you’re judgmental. Carmen, whether they’re likes or dislikes. They just ensure that as the  winds of divinity are blown through your heart, the melody is unlike any other. So have them, Carmen. Have them BIG time. – The Universe –


The Abyss and Why I’m Still Alive

Mount-Huashan-The-narrow-path-most-dangerous-trail

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My entire life I’ve carried an image in my head; an image that very much represents the picture I have chosen above. I have always called it “the abyss,” and it represents life and death, sanity and insanity. I remember becoming aware of it the first time when I was in 3rd grade. But, before I continue, I want to make it clear that this isn’t a cry for help, because I feel suicidal and it isn’t a cry for attention either. I am writing this, because I know that there are other “abyss walkers” and I want to let them know that they are not alone and that you can somewhat live with this. Lastly, I’d like to extend a slight warning – the material is brutally honest and may even be uncomfortable for some.

How does one end up at the abyss? I don’t know about others, but I was dragged there by years of emotional, physical and sexual abuse that started when I was about 4 and ended when I was about 18. The trauma I experienced, due to the long period of time it occurred, caused my fibromyalgia, because my brain has “dialed up” all sensory perceptions to super high, at all times, and therefore misfires, interpreting nerve signals as pain and making any type of stimuli, like loud voices/music and sounds, as well as heat, cold or emotional responses stronger, amplifying them and often making them almost unbearable. The inability to no longer “dial it down” but being incapable of registering stress and hence, the ability to walk away or avoid, makes life as if I am living with a giant antenna on my head; one that never sleeps, never stops and has turned me into a recluse, who finds any type of prolonged interaction with most people painful, frustrating, overwhelming and difficult. But the physical, emotional and mental pain are not necessarily the ongoing building blocks to form the abyss; no, what causes the abyss is the overwhelming feeling of not belonging here, on this planet.

When one feels as deeply as I do, nothing is easy. When one lacks the ability to let go and stop “looping,” life becomes an ongoing cycle of torment, trying to stop it, then succumbing to it and starting all over again. Years of therapy and studies in philosophy, psychology and religion helped me get better, but my brain chemistry is permanently altered and trying to change it is what is so incredibly daunting and leaves me feeling defeated and exhausted.

My relationships have been predominantly bad. Not all of them, but the vast majority of them. Fear of intimacy, severe anxiety about being abandoned and the constant doubts I have in myself have been relationship killers. Nothing, though, beats the fact that I send out a signal, a very powerful one I might add, that keeps attracting men who actually confirm my deepest fears. I attract superficial men, who criticize my exterior, sometimes vocally, sometimes in a subtle, passive way, and/or find me otherwise inadequate. I attract commitment phobes, who cannot commit, don’t know what they want and are quick to leave or cheat. I attract a lot of selfish, cruel, severely damaged and cold-hearted men, who cannot feel and usually numb with alcohol, computer games, work, porn and other ways that keep them from truly connecting; men who mercilessly lash out and strike when I speak up or attempt to explain my feelings. Men who judge me worse than I could ever judge myself or others. I attract my father and I attract my mother’s boyfriends, over and over and over and over. So the majority of my life I have felt alone, lonely and abandoned, especially in my relationships. And this dance, this dance of attracting people who cannot love me, then push me away and lash out at me, as well as attracting the same type of selfish, backstabbing and unpredictable people in the companies I often work for, this is what pushes me closer to the abyss.

Everything I do, no matter when, where and how, is near the abyss. I walk as close to the wall as I can, carefully setting one foot ahead of the next, until I get pushed. Then I start slipping. I claw my way to the top again, then slip some more, feeling overwhelmed and rendered powerless when the feelings of inadequacy, self-loathing and fear wash over me. The feelings are so strong that all I can think of is dying, because I am not sure how much longer I can hold on and how much longer I can be the tower of strength the majority of people in my life believe me to be. The absolute fear of potentially being alone forever, because I cannot attract anyone who feels as deeply as I do, leaves me feeling with despair. Was I supposed to have children? Was I supposed to be alone? Maybe I should devote my life to helping others; but isn’t that what I am doing and have been doing anyway? Why are people so shallow, ignorant and selfish? Why…

I know that it is all about loving myself. It’s been a challenge but I don’t stop trying and going for it. I know that I can change the frequency, even though I have failed so far in doing just that. I have, however, deleted any and all dating profiles. My exterior, which misleads people into thinking that I am a wild, crazy party animal who also numbs (I’ve never gotten into drugs or alcohol) cannot be overwritten by a sincere and honest profile that no one reads. My pictures, my looks are misleading, not just in the dating arena, but in all other areas, too. When you live in a society that puts almost all stock in appearances only (the essence of California), it makes it hard for me and all of those who refuse to look mainstream to be “seen.” Why haven’t I simply “conformed” and blended in? Because this look started when I had no identity and had to protect myself from other predators, back when I was a teenager. Asking me to change my look is the same as asking a person with dark skin to be more white.

The abyss is a part of me. I have managed to stay more on the inside by the wall, and less by the edge that would make me fall. It has taught me to avoid severe danger of slipping, by not abusing substances or becoming addicted. The abyss also reminds me how far I have come and teaches me to not be selfish and exercise compassion. For were it not for said lack of selfishness and compassion, I would have jumped a long time ago, instead of keep on balancing, carefully, one foot in front of the other.

I sadly feel incredibly unloved, unwanted and misunderstood. But as a friend of mine just told me “just because you feel that way doesn’t make it so!” I know this, why else would I still be here to talk about it? I ask but one thing of people “don’t judge a book by its cover. Don’t assume by looks and appearances and remember that your actions and especially your words can make or break another; especially an abyss walker.”

 


Deja Vu – The Power of Change

 

 

Change

I have this feeling of deja vu – a lot! I find myself in various situations – jobs, people, relationships, friendships, places, etc. and can’t shake the feeling that I have been here before. The reason for this, most of the time, is that I have actually been there before!

There is something truly awfully amazing about the fact that we, as human beings, have the tendency to choose the same stuff over and over, even if it hurts us, even if it doesn’t serve us and even if we feel with all our heart that we don’t want it. Oh, but we do!

From a pure neurological standpoint, our brain maps all the time. We are hardwired to choose what seems familiar, even if we don’t actually like that familiar thing! And yet, we flock to it like moths to the light and this is how we keep repeating our cycles, over and over and over. All the while claiming that we are innocent and that it wasn’t our fault or our doing. We mourn the loss of something or someone, we regret the wrong choice, we turn around and bam! choose the same thing or person again; and then again.

I have paid close attention to my cycles, my choices and my life and found that I am an absolute expert and master in not only choosing the same, but insisting that I didn’t. Until I find myself again, hit with the proverbial universal 2×4, going “OUCH!” that’ll leave a scar. Technically speaking, there is nothing wrong with that, were it not for the fact that it makes me feel so incredibly miserable when I find myself yet again in another s***storm of my own making. Were it not for me again feeling despair, sadness, anger, hopelessness, rage, disappointment…well, you get the point.

The truth is that nothing changes. Not a damn thing changes, as long as you cannot change who you are being in the world! As long as I cannot get a grip on my underlying, not so subconscious choices anymore, I will keep getting what I choose and sadly, deserve. Nothing changes until I change and I won’t change until it costs too much to not change. What a mouthful, huh?

Sometimes, you just have to make a 911 call to that higher self of yours, no matter if it is in form of talking to a higher power, talking to yourself, talking to your inauthentic conscious mind, a friend, a therapist or whatever else you want to talk to; but you just have to do it. You have to pick up that receiver and you have to make the call, because otherwise, you are and will always remain a slave. There has to be a declaration, a commitment if you will, with your spoken word. There has to be accountability in order to manifest the change, or it’s just going to be another empty promise.

I’ve made a call. I’ve made a promise. I’ve made a declaration to stand for myself and to stop choosing more of the same. I’ve got the message pretty clear and I’m declaring my commitment to change myself. To change my perspective and to change my choices. I am choosing happiness. I’m choosing me and I’m choosing the life I want to have. Off come the shackles and off comes all the bondage and the cage that are attached to them. Deja vu, you suck. Change, I embrace you my new friend! Time to form a few new neural pathways. Yeehaaw!


The Day Karma Died

 

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I used to be a strong believer in Karma; amongst a whole slew of other things of a so called “spiritual nature.” Until the day it just died.

I am not sure I can recall a certain day or time; nor would I say that my beliefs died a sudden death. But rather, the process was gradual and slow, until I had to fess up one day that maybe, just maybe, none of it was true.

There was a time in my life, namely when I was a small girl, when angels, supernatural powers, god(s), guardians and all the other things of that nature served me well. There was a time when I can honestly say that I wouldn’t have survived without them. To this day, I still cannot quite bring myself to proclaim that I am an atheist. There was/is a certain “magic” in believing that there is purpose and meaning to my life and actions; and I admit, there was/is a certain comfort in believing that “bad” people get what they deserve and “good” people get what they deserve. But being the logical and rational person that I am, I simply cannot believe in these things any longer. I am saddened to admit that I simply don’t see the evidence.

Since I was little I have seen my fair share of “bad” people. Not just in my life, but in other people’s lives, too. I have seen the best people, the most generous and kind people, get hit with losses so profound and huge that I admired them for the sheer strength of continuing their life; but more so, for continuing to believe. I have met a lot of “bad” people, but must admit that the vast majority of them were mean, spiteful, cowardly, bitter, narcissistic and abusive not because they chose to be, but because someone/something made them that way. And by definition, that meant they weren’t really evil in a traditional sense, but simply hurt, bitter and well, just jerks. I can honestly claim that I have only met a couple of people who I consider truly evil – sociopaths/psychopaths, whatever you want to call them. The important part though is that I didn’t see it “come around.” Not for them and definitely not for the amazing people who didn’t deserve the card they were handed.

Some of the worst people lived happily ever after. Some of the best lost everything. And there is no rhyme or reason. There is no rhyme or reason for rape, torture, child abuse, murder and killings (and that’s just naming the worst offenses) and there is no payment for those who commit these crimes. There is no bill being served to those who have destroyed lives with their careless, mean, selfish and stupid actions. There is no reward for those who lived “by the book,” quite literally. I no longer subscribe to “he works in mysterious ways” when horrible things happen and “it must have been his will” when good things do. I still admire the Dalai Lama, but karma, well, karma is just a bunch of man invented BS, too.

It’s not that I ridicule people who need/want to believe. It’s more a baffled sense of awe that no logic or even evidence can convince them otherwise. Working in fraud prevention, I watch bad people getting away with billions of dollars and identities – without consequence. I read the news and see that a bunch of “believers” picketed a funeral, a Planned Parenthood or a gay wedding and just shake my head in disgust. I cannot fathom under which circumstance anyone would subscribe and believe in anything that hurts others – and I don’t care what religion we are talking. Maybe I find hate in the name of a god or prophet even more despicable.

It’s been a long and sometimes super hard life. I am the master of my destiny now. But I am so, because I believe in myself and always, always at least try to do and say the right thing, even though I fail quite miserably at times. Alas, I think I simply ran out of god(s) and a believe in karma and know only one thing: Nothing is certain and anything and everything can be gone and taken from you, at a moment’s notice. Hence, I take nothing and no one for granted; and that is all I can muster.

Today, I sadly must admit, that karma and god died for me. But I am still holding out on an afterlife. Because, the light tunnel is a much better image than nothingness.


Where Are They Now? Or “Why Bullies Never Win”

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I remember when my mother moved me and my brother to a new town, when she met husband number 4. I was 12. I hadn’t been all that successful in making friends before. I was bullied and made fun of, because I was fat and we were poor. My mom, who made her living as a cleaning woman, couldn’t afford to buy the latest fashion trends, toys or whatever else kids my age had. See, the country doesn’t matter. Privileged kids  tend to be jerks, no matter where you are at. I can attest to that first hand.

So, in 5th grade we moved again. I was immediately outcast by the “cornflake” girls. You know, the pretty, or maybe not so pretty, but at least spoiled kids; the kind who has it all and felt that this entitled them to make fun of me, cast me out and badmouth me, every chance they got. I felt terribly lonely. I had spent 3rd, 4th and part of 5th grade in the library, but this new school didn’t have a library to run to.

For example, I made “friends” with a girl who lived across the street. She was stuck up and loved letting me know, every chance she got, that she came from a much better family. She spoke “proper” or “High” German and made fun of my Adidas sneakers from the supermarket, that weren’t really Adidas, but the so called “Adidas with the missing stripe,” the cheap, two-striped shoes, made of plastic. She made fun of my roller skates, which were 3 sizes too big and featured large wads of toilet paper in the toe area, so they’d fit me. My mom couldn’t afford to buy me skates and so I got a pair she found at a supermarket; on sale…3 sizes too big. I didn’t care, I was happy to have roller skates and didn’t care what people said. I had learned to, at least outwardly, ignore the comments and douche baggery coming from my peers. She made fun of how I talked and loved showcasing me to her equally stuck up friends and then kick me out, because I wasn’t good enough to hang with them. When she did “allow” me to come over, it seemed more out of feeling sorry for me, which was quickly overwritten by the fact that she simply lacked compassion or the ability to look passed my “poor” exterior. Her mom didn’t like me either. Her daughter was much too good to have a white trash friend like me.

There are other crap stories I could add. Alas, there isn’t a whole lot of use in regurgitating the stories of abuse and cruelty I had raked up by the time I was 12. But wait, there is a point to all of this; I promise 🙂

When I was a teenager, I was the most miserable. I wanted so badly to fit in and be like the popular kids. I envied them for the things they had. I envied them for having parents, for being able to afford the school trips, the school supplies, clothes and things I never had. I envied them for being better than me; well, at least my idea of being better. I vowed that I would prove that I, too, was good enough and deserved to not being bullied, made fun of and put down anymore. And boy, did I go overboard with that, but again, that’s a different story and still, not the point I want to make here.

So what is the point? Well, let me get to it, because I think it’s an important one. One that, especially teenagers, and all those who were treated like trash need to know (if they haven’t learned it yet). Ready? OK, here it is: THEY WERE AND STILL ARE THE REAL LOSERS!

Over the past few years I have slowly found quite a few of the people I went to school with on Facebook. I didn’t add the jerks, but I didn’t have to. Lots of them had the jerks as friends and all I had to do was go to their page in order to learn the true meaning of success.

I was the mousy, ignored, poor and bullied girl I in school. The one who was quite insignificant, couldn’t afford anything, wasn’t well traveled and probably the least remembered in the ranks of awesome. But, here I am, living the life I dreamed of having one day. I may not have been “rich” but where everyone else screwed around, unable or unwilling to pay attention in school, because they were too busy being cool, I poured all my passion and energy into getting good grades. I recognized that the only chance I had to “make it” was to get a great education. And I was right.

I live in California, I travel(ed) the world and I have a career I am passionate about and can’t wait to get up for every day. I look at the pages of these stuck up kids, boys and girls, who have grown as unattractive on the outside, as they used to be on the inside.  All of them are now insignificant people, with mediocre jobs and lives, and being as uninspired and miserable as anyone, who felt that it was enough to be cute or hot in high school. NONE of them did anything worth mentioning. Their “fame” and popularity has long faded. There is nothing to envy them about anymore.

I just celebrated my 45th birthday in Hawaii. I stayed at a 5 Star hotel, I swam with dolphins, I snorkeled and I was able to cross two more items off of my bucket list. I paid for it. I worked for it. I earned it. I had no help, no husband who paid for me and no one to kiss up to. What I lacked in popularity and good looks, I made up in wit, intelligence and street smarts. I not only moved out of the white trash life I knew, but I ventured to California, working my way up from a receptionist to a director; and I did it alone. I worked and I succeeded in part because of these people. Because I was told that I was nothing and would never be anything, I fought to prove them all wrong. And I did it with integrity, honesty and kindness. Yes, I sometimes screwed up, but my heart was always in the right spot and I never forgot where I came from.

I didn’t want to be a victim, I didn’t want to be a statistic and I didn’t want to be one of them. I didn’t want to sit on my butt, while whining about how crappy life is and blaming the world, my childhood, my abuse and my sad stories for my short-comings and choices. The douche bags taught me how not to be; in my personal and professional life. With each bully, jerk and unaccountable finger-pointer and victim I’ve met, I learned a little bit more about what not to do. And with each amazing, inspiring and kind person I’ve met, I learned more about the person I aspired to be.
I never gave up and reached every goal I ever set for myself, while still being able to look at myself in the mirror, knowing that I not only worked for what I have, but paid it forward. To this day, the biggest joy for me is helping others and standing up for those less fortunate; for those who don’t have a voice and can’t defend themselves and for those who are bullied.

No, I wasn’t and still am not perfect, but I kept chipping away at creating a life that is meaningful, so I can look back one day and be proud of the things I’ve accomplished and the person I am. I set out to find happiness and joy and I found it. I set out to be a good person, over being a rich person and within doing that became richer than I ever hoped for. Best part? I am not done yet.

Success isn’t measured by the crap we have. I learned that as I sold my house and got rid of almost all my belongings in order to pursue my dream career. On paper, I sure as hell don’t have a lot, but in my heart, mind and spirit, I am wealthier than anyone in my family and anyone I grew up with. I know that when I die, I will have an amazing journey behind me. I know that I have touched and hopefully keep touching, the life of many. I know that I have made a difference for quite a few and I know that I am emotionally, mentally and spiritually wealthy beyond measure. Now that is true success. For each person that wronged and hurt me, I have met ten who loved and supported me. I think this is karma at its finest.

So – don’t harbor resentment and regret. Don’t dwell on the naysayers, the jerks and self-centered douche canoes. Don’t engage with the toxic and miserable ones, but know that there is a price to be paid for all our actions; and doing it right, i.e. standing in honesty, integrity, kindness and decency pays off – if not sooner, than definitely later.

Growing up, the bullies may have been popular, prettier, thinner and “richer” than me. But today, they are just people. People who reaped what they’ve sowed. I am proudly proclaiming that I am reaping what I’ve sowed. Next time someone puts you down, speaks badly about you or treats you unkind, don’t sweat it. Just look at their life and the people in it to understand that they truly and honestly don’t matter. Remember that happy begets happy, successful begets successful and misery loves company. Just smile and say “thank you.”


What Self-Love Means

I didn’t write this article, but couldn’t have said it better. I am also proud to report that I have learned this and do a pretty good job, most of the time (still struggle sometimes with not beating myself up over not being perfect on the exterior).

Here is the link and I’ve posted the whole article as well. Enjoy!

What Self-Love Means

What Self-Love Means: 20+ Ways to Be Good to Yourself

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“Self-love requires you to be honest about your current choices and thought patterns and undertake new practices that reflect self-worth.” ~Caroline Kirk

If one more person told me to go love myself I was going to levitate into the air and pull one of those impossible martial arts moves from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I was sick of it!

What the heck does loving myself mean? Were they talking about bubble baths, pedicures, and cucumber masks? It turns out there is so much more to self-love than just pampering ourselves. I found this out the hard way.

About a year and a half ago, I almost died after a bad break-up. I had devoted so much of my energy to making the relationship work that I had completely neglected my own needs, and had given away my power and my responsibility for happiness.

As I wrote about here, when I finally developed the courage to end an addictive and painful relationship, I had to live with the effects of lack of self-love.

I struggled to eat, sleep, or continue my daily functioning. I spent every waking hour to myself, trying to understand how and why I had gotten there. I had to know, because whatever it was, if I did not attend to it, this was going to be the end of the road for me. I knew it.

I made mixed media collages, journaled, watched The Notebook five more times, cried, and called up friends to keep me company while I ate my few bites each day.

During this whole time, I found places in my story where I was not present to my own life, my body or my spirit. I was just there. I found the places where I had abandoned myself and then gotten mad at the other person for not meeting my needs.

The truth was, I did not have a big enough inner container to hold the love I so desired even if I received it, because my self-love tank had shrunk down to the size of a bottle cap.

It finally became very clear to me that there was one core reason I had gotten there: I did not know anything about self-love.

This realization launched me into a relentless search for the meaning of self-love, internally and externally.

I found that self-love is a not a destination, it’s a practice. It is like brushing our teeth. Self-love is a foundation on which we build a happy life. Without self-love, we have nowhere to put the love or abundance that comes to us.

Not sure what it looks like to love yourself? Here is what I’ve learned. Self-love is…

1. Choosing ourselves, even if it means upsetting others and not being popular anymore. Even if it means we leave a party before anyone else because we feel tired, overwhelmed, or just plain feel done with the crowd.

2. Telling what is true for us, not swallowing words that express what we truly feel, think, or want to do.

3. Giving our body the nurturing, rest, exercise, and comfort it needs to the best of our ability.

4. Wearing clothes that make us feel good and fit our personality instead of wearing clothes that are in fashion that we use to impress others.

5. Building a life that we love while we are single instead of waiting for our prince/princess to show up to explore life and to be happy.

6. Accepting ourselves with the good, the bad, the ugly, the sexy, and the smelly—all of it—andappreciating ourselves as whole people.

7. Making time to do whatever we love, just to play, without worrying about wasting time.

8. Owning our inner and outer beauty and complimenting ourselves without feeling guilty, arrogant, or entitled.

9. Not rehashing our past mistakes and dragging ourselves to a dark place when we know that we can only learn from the past; we can’t change it.

10. Spending some quality, connected time with ourselves instead of always watching TV or wasting time on the Internet.

11. Using discretion when sharing our heart, self, and dreams with others.

12. Trusting the path that our soul is on and making a genuine effort to become a conscious co-creator of our destiny.

13. Not blaming our parents for our current issues, and looking for ways to heal our wounds and change our dysfunctional patterned behaviors by reaching out to ministers, therapists, coaches, and healers.

14. Following what our gut/intuition says instead of living out of our brain and ego.

15. Staying in our integrity, both when it comes to ourselves and when interacting with others out in the world. This includes keeping ourselves in check regarding patterns such as lying, manipulating, co-depending, withholding, and pretending.

16. Allowing ourselves to dream big, without contaminating these dreams with judgments, our perceived limitations, or a lack of sense of deserving.

17. Knowing how we’re spending our emotional, mental, financial, and physical energy, and whether these activities bring back joy, connection, nurturing, rest, and creativity to our lives.

18. Taking responsibility for all of our experiences. Knowing that we have the ability for deeper self-awareness and access to our intuition when it comes to making life choices.

19. Not labeling ourselves with others’ opinions of us, while having the courage to look inside to see if there might be some truth to them.

20. Learning to set boundaries that protect and nurture our relationships, with ourselves and others.

21. Allowing ourselves to make mistakes and not berating ourselves for making them. Instead, choosing to appreciate our desire to learn and grow.

22. Refusing to seek permission or approval to be ourselves. Recognizing that we, like everyone else, deserve to take up space on this planet just as who we are right now.

And lastly, self-love is:

23. Loving and accepting ourselves even when we fail miserably at some of these self-love goals.

No one else can offer these things to us. No one else can take our vitamins for us or prevent us from going into a self-loathing attack.

Even if we land the best partner on the planet, this person won’t be able to make us happy and feel loved unless we create the space for it inside by practicing self-love. This is why self-love is an inside job.

From my heart to your heart…

 


Religion – No Longer a Source of Faith and Community

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I was raised protestant. Pretty much everyone in Germany is either protestant or catholic; after all, we have to get baptized, even though our parents never set foot into a church. In school, we start having religious studies from 1st grade on, all the way through graduation, including business school. You can’t opt out, unless you are not baptized (the horror!) and therefore are nondenominational. When I was 14 I went through confirmation; the equivalent to communion for the catholics. Of course,  I had to attend bible studies before my confirmation and the test at the end (remind me one day of how I embarrassed myself in church by accidentally naming Hitler instead of Jesus in response to the minister’s question!).

Why am I sharing this information? Well, because I really did spend more than 10 years being indoctrinated in Jesus and the bible. And while I don’t remember most of it, I remember the parts that count. I also have to say that I had an awesome minister who was honest enough to explain the difference between taking the bible literally and understanding the mere metaphors. He assured me that I wasn’t a bad person for not believing in the whole Adam and Eve bit. I remember when he once said to me “you have to remember that the people back then didn’t have scientific explanations for anything. But the Bible is meant as metaphor and guide on how to be a decent person; a blueprint for a good life if you will” This is what I took with me!

Interestingly enough, even though pretty much everyone was baptized and we all had religion in school and went through communion/confirmation, I would still label Germany a predominantly atheist country. There are certain things you do (like baptizing your children) because this is how our society works. But religion is not ever used in politics and does not feature in decisions of what makes you a good or bad person – and this is precisely the difference that I see between how I grew up and what I am seeing here. The lack of religion actually served in becoming a country with a much stronger socioeconomic system. It is expected that the richer help the poorer, the stronger help the weaker and that everyone is ENTITLED to free health care. Yep, all the principles taught in the bible are mostly demonstrated in countries that are predominantly atheist (look this up, if you don’t believe me).

Religion was part of my culture and yet, it was never an invasive, all consuming power like it is here. What is being said and done in the name of religion is shocking and appalling to me. The way people are trying to weasel “god” into government, law and every part of our society is truly disturbing, terrifying and threatening to me. If they would represent the values and teachings of their religion, I might actually understand. But when religion serves as a front to hate, discriminate, belittle and hurt other people, I am going to fight it. If you are telling me you are devout, while screaming to not support the lazy unemployed, screw people who can’t afford healthcare and gripping on to your wealth because people CHOOSE to be poor/are poor due to their own fault and choices, while demonstrating to take rights away from gay people and immigrants, then I’ll just hold on to insisting that I am German, even though I am an American now.

I keep wracking my brain how seemingly intelligent people fall for complete douche baggery. Sure, I understand that religion has long served as a means to build communities and create a sense of belonging. I understand that religion is even necessary for some, because they simply need a book of rules, a guide or moral compass that serves as the blueprint to how to live their lives. I have used my spirituality and beliefs I held in the past as my moral compass. Not because I couldn’t tell right from wrong, but because I wanted to believe that there is something bigger than me and that there is meaning to a life well lived. I understand how our brains are actually hard-wired for spirituality! I simply don’t understand what happens afterwards. At what point do reason, logic and common sense just go bye-bye and we become complete jerks? And being true to myself, I researched this in detail!

The common denominator with almost all religions is the sense of superiority it delivers. It promises salvation and rewards to those who believe the way they are told, which is where the “my god is better than yours” comes in. You play into people’s sense of purpose and feeling special or better than others and quite often, you have them roped in. Ego and religion often go hand in hand. And sadly, those who are in it to simply be better people are getting drowned out by the fanatical nutjobs who make the most noise and hence, give a false representation of what a certain religion is about. These points are very well demonstrated in Christian splinter groups, Scientology and the Islam.

What makes me so sad and what’s so disappointing is that people don’t really live what they preach. These days, all kinds of crimes are being committed in the name of Jesus and Allah. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that people are hating in the name of god, or the fact that they blatantly misinterpret and abuse scripture that was meant to serve as a guide to help, heal and love. The values that are taught in regards to love, compassion and kindness have been replaced with agendas, power displays, hate and bigotry.

The fact that it seems almost normal and accepted now to force religion into law and schools is seriously worrisome for me. If you want your child to be raised with religious values, send them to a private religious school and pay for it. But don’t force your belief on the rest, claiming you know what is best! I find that so truly offensive! What ever gave you the right to force what YOU believe on the rest of the world?

People! This country is still founded on the freedom of religion AND separation of church and state. There is a reason for this. Maybe, you could “convert” people by demonstrating what an amazingly loving and morally superior person you are. Maybe, if you’d live the values, more people would literally flock to your church, instead of turning away from it. Maybe if you’d stop with the fear mongering, hate speech and attacks on everyone and everything  that isn’t like you, people would be intrigued, instead of disgusted and put off.

When I see gay bashing, funerals being picketed and laws are attempted to being passed that would allow to make some people more equal than others, when I live in the supposed land of the free and equal, when I see that it is accepted and supported that some people are violated in their rights in the name of a supposed god, I just hang my head in shame and stand over on the other side – with the atheists! If being a believer now means being lumped in with a bunch of crazy, mean-spirited jerks and bullies, I’ll rather stick with the science folks!