Time is Precious

TimeTime is precious. It is by far one of the most important commodities in our lives. This is why it is important to treasure every moment and make the best out of things, no matter what.

As of late I have been paying more attention to how I spend my time and whom I spend it with. l realized how “careless” and freely I have given away my time to people and activities that weren’t worth it.

The thing is that I have always been very good about freely offering my time, help, heart and loyalty to anyone who’d ask for it. It didn’t occur to me that it was OK for me to ask for the same in return. I therefore found myself frequently around people who never seemed to be able to make any effort for me; and at times, didn’t even seem to care about me all that much. This made me an easy target for users, narcissists or selfish individuals.

Taking stock of what I do, how I do it and with whom, has made a huge difference in how I feel. I am less angry, because I don’t consistently feel being used. I am less sad or feeling bad, because I am able to prioritize my own wants and needs, clearly state boundaries and do more things I enjoy doing. I cut out the dialogue about things I should be doing, the feelings of obligation and most importantly, the self-imposed rules I had lived by for most of my life. Freedom of mind and heart came when I stopped worrying and deliberately did the opposite of what I used to do. I had a brand new outlook “what do I have to lose?” Turns out, I had everything to gain! I have felt more alive and happy and have had very little, mostly even no pain.

Being out in the world is extremely fun, provided one is fully present and alive. So, when it comes to your time, spend it wisely. I am learning that it is not just OK, but actually important to be choosy and selective. A friend recently told me that I should only give my all to someone who is worthy. I think “all” includes one’s time. So today, I am making new choices and these include not giving time to people who give nothing but only seem to remember me when they need or want something from me. Time, it’s precious, as is your heart – choose wisely whom you give them to. Choose people who are worthy of you and your time.


Dear Love,

Today I’m here to tell you that I love you, deeply and truly! You need to know this, because I’ve noticed that you are doing it again. You are doubting, feeling down and worse, you let the fear reign again.

Sweety, you are OK! It’s OK to still go through this. You’ve been trying, I know. You’ve been meditating, visualizing and you’ve purged so much. But, Darling, it takes time. Be patient, I swear it will work out. It always does, remember!?

I know you want to cite past experiences, situations and people, but they don’t matter. You are in the now, now! When you visualize, you’re creating memories from your future. I know that you still struggle with the self-love bit. I know you still sometimes cry when you are asked to visualize that; that’s ok. Because I’ve also noticed how often you laugh now; and how much joy and bliss you’ve experienced as of late.

See, you ARE holding the good thoughts much longer now. You haven’t given up. No, not you, my sweet little fighter. You defiantly wipe away those tears and try again. And that’s why it’ll work out. Your life is amazing, you are loved by so many, go and love yourself like they do. You can. Your light has been shining like a giant beacon. Look around at all these new faces in your life. They all have one thing in common – they smile at you. See, now you are drawing those who not only see you for who you are, but love you because of it. Let’s not disappoint them, by making their love and light meaningless, when we proclaim, if even in the smallest voice, doubts about that offering.

You are the light. You are magnificent and amazing in every way, because of who you are. So, listen well, sweet warrior goddess, I love you. Always and forever.

Love and Light,

Your Higher Self


Dance, Live, Love and Sing

Sometimes you just have to shake off the dust, jump up, start dancing and singing your own renditions of your favorite songs!

I think each and every one of us play so many different roles and wear so many masks that the true self becomes a bit murky after a while. When I was a kid I used to dance in front of the radio, wearing my mom’s robe like a cape and singing into a spoon. I didn’t know English, so I just sang whatever the words sounded like. I still do it! I can sing in German, English, French and Russian; maybe Portuguese! Instead of the robe, I tend to opt for no clothes. One has to be comfortable in one’s skin! Just for fun, I’ve decided to learn French. I like languages and who cares if I’m good or bad at it. I can still run around, laughing like crazy as I proudly proclaim “Je bois le vin rouge!”

The thing is, when we play, pretend, sing and dance we turn into the wide-eyed creators we were born as, before we were told that we shouldn’t, couldn’t and all that other crap that instilled doubt and shame in us. I don’t know about you but I love being a kid again, even if only in spirit.

I really don’t know why we put ourselves through the torture of always doing what we should, when there is so much fun to be had when we are doing whatever makes us happy. Maybe I’m simply wired wrong but whenever I see a cliff, I run towards it, raise my arms and yell “whee,” as I jump. Life is too short to always play it safe and to not get lost in possibility. There are so many things to do, places to see, worlds to conquer, cliffs to jump and laughter to be had. Find those who will support you and run aside you. Spend time with the creators, the happy ones, world travelers, warriors, gods, goddesses and other doers.

Live and love hard! The rest will fall into place!


The Heart of a Moonchild

When I was a child I used to have the most vivid imagination. I literally spent years dreaming up new worlds, people, situations and identities. I had wings and didn’t care for reality, or better what people told me was real or possible/not possible and not real. I constantly reinvented myself and didn’t care if the new creation was one people deemed acceptable or not.

This part always stayed with me. It’s the very core of my being. Yes, I’d try to hide it and shut it down, but how can you shut off your core? So, out of necessity, I created numerous versions of myself; sadly, often versions I thought other people wanted or needed me to be. This turned the simple act of love often into agony.

See, when I was a child I learned how to truly see the true core of others; before it was corrupted, morphed, distorted, damaged and surrounded by walls. I got in trouble for it. I was often accused of seeing the world through rose-colored glasses, being a dreamer, detached, unfocused and way too sensitive. My mom would punish me for it, my teachers would note it in my report cards and my friends would scold me for it, instructing me how to “toughen up.” To me, this was my magic power. I was able to see potential, where others didn’t. I saw beauty in things others missed. And of course, this ability scared the living crap out of many. It’s difficult for some to be around a person who cannot be lied to, speaks truth at all cost and, to quote a few, would hold up a mirror to them, showing them who they really are; not who they want others to see.

There were labels for me, so many labels: intense, scary, judgmental, too much, fierce, the wild card, too honest, too open, not filtered enough, in dire need of a drink or drug; and the saddest of all: too sensitive. I tried to be less and tone down my being, but honestly, I didn’t like myself very much when I was censored, subdued and guarded. And again, love would be agony.

How could I be me, all of me, without drawing those who needed my energy to sustain, or those who would run from the tornado I was? How could I fall in love deeply and safely and be loved back just as deeply? I felt so lost in a world that, to me, seemed mostly filled with people who struck me as cold, self-absorbed, angry, broken and void of magic.

The answers came slowly and over years. I had to simply let go of the world and the people in it. I had to see and be my own magic. I had to reach within and stop looking to the outside. I started dancing again – alone, when no one was watching. I started singing more, laughing, crying, feeling and exploring – alone. I fell in love again, deeply and fiercely, with my beautiful, magical and fragile, sensitive, yet amazingly strong core. I’d sweep her up in my arms, spin until we were dizzy, hold her close and tell her that she is loved; just the way she is and exactly for who she is.

People will always judge me, good and bad, but it doesn’t really matter so much anymore. As long as I can truly love myself and stand in who I am firmly and strongly, I can trust, let go of any attachment and know that each Moonchild has their stars-in-eyes, strong hearted and fierce warrior, who will sweep her up, take her by the hand and love her fiercely and truly, because she is so sensitive.

 

And this, so much this!

You Don’t Need A Man, You Need a Goddamn Warrior.
Kate RoseVia Kate Roseon Aug 12, 2015

Warning: naughty language ahead!

To my sweet wild woman, I know why it hasn’t worked out with anyone else—you don’t need a man, but a goddamn warrior.

You are the strength of Turkish coffee at sunrise darlin’ and don’t try to pretend that you’re not.

You are one of the wild ones, and no matter how you tried to hide that fact, you can’t be anything other than what you are—and that’s okay. You are just as you are supposed to be, magnificently wild in all of your chaotic beauty.

I know you’ve had your heart broken and I know that you don’t understand why it always seems to never work out, but I’ve finally figured it out:

You don’t need a man, you need a goddamn warrior.

It doesn’t matter if this warrior drives a Jeep or a shiny sports car, and it won’t matter if he wears silk or cotton—it will not even matter if he works in a high-rise, or on the night shift.

What is going to matter is that when it comes to taking bets on your heart, he is going to be high stakes—all the way.

This warrior of yours will crave your strength, and your intensity. He’s going to look at you and not see something to tame, but something to just fuckin’ admire. This warrior of yours won’t be someone that you can manipulate or play with as you have in the past, so honey, don’t even try—and trust me, you’re going to love him even more because of it.

Because you aren’t just a woman, you’re a goddamn goddess.

Your fierceness is going to bring him to his knees every single time he looks into your gorgeous eyes, but the difference is, unlike the others, he isn’t going to be scared off. No, this time, you will have finally met your match—because a simple man for you just won’t do.

You need someone to match the fire in your eyes with his own. Not only that, my little wild thing, but this warrior of yours is going to want to encourage the flames instead of trying to douse them with his own insecurities.

Because for you, a warrior is the only man who will ever live in the wild with you.

He may not have to slay any dragons to earn your love, but he would still walk through fire if it meant seeing that amazing smile that you hold in reserve for only him.

This is the thing, free spirit, this warrior you seek….he’s seeking you too.

For he’s had failed relationships that have left him wondering if maybe he was meant to be alone for the rest of his journey—and you’re going to change all of that for him. You both have been travelling along on your separate journeys and have been doing an okay job at it, but that about to change too.

Because baby, when you and this warrior of yours meet and collide—it’s going to be a love set on fire.

Don’t try to run this time—I know your heart has been broken before, and that you’re not used to things working out, but this time it’s different. Give yourself time to see that.

This warrior of yours needs to see that it’s possible for someone to see all of his wild, and still be there when he craves his freedom and ventures off into this world for a bit. You won’t always need to follow him, just as he won’t always follow you. Let yourself stay wild, even when all you want to do is curl up in that spot along his side and forget the rest of the world exists.

Let yourself still wander naked under the full moon, and drink moonshine with the stars. Let yourself feel the pull of the wind on your heart, and the sun toward a new journey. Because this warrior is going to love you because of your wild—and he’ll want you to keep it.

You’ll be in this together now, this amazing, crazy, chaotic, wonderfully heartbreaking life—because it takes a warrior to love a goddess. And it takes a goddess to show a warrior what real love is.

So pack up your insecurities and your ideas about picket fences, because that was never you anyway. You were born knowing that you were destined for more, and now is the time for you to see what all those dreams look like.

There is no stopping a love like this, so promise me you’ll hold out just a little bit longer.

Have a little bit of hope, and always give love just one more try, because I promise you my sweet wild woman—the love that you seek is seeking you as well.


Rejection – Part II

Rejection

Having talked yesterday about rejection being a good thing, because we generally have something/someone better waiting for us, I’d like to talk today about the deserved rejection we get when we stubbornly refuse to learn a lesson. However, make no mistake, even when rejection occurs due to our own actions, it is still a good thing and here is why.

As previously stated, I do believe that we always get exactly what we are asking for. Remember, thoughts DO become things. However, this very process spells out disaster for all of those who have low/no self-confidence, are broken, haven’t done any soul searching and just allow their fears to run rampant. Again, in order to keep it real, I will use myself as the example, to demonstrate how sometimes we are our own worst enemy.

I am an extremist. I don’t do moderation well, so when I choose to engage in anything, be it a sport, a certain look, getting a tattoo, liking or disliking someone, or a job and loving or hating, I do so 200%, all the way, with nothing left in the middle.This extreme way of being sometimes works extraordinarily well; especially in my career. My passion about always doing the right thing, no matter what, works great in an environment where I am catching bad people and attempt to stop them from doing bad things to others. However, when I take this passion of mine and apply it randomly to everything in my life, I often end up creating situations I didn’t quite hope for. To say it bluntly, I can be a tornado, that comes in, swirls and twists and runs over everything in its path. I suffer from eternal diarrhea of the mouth and instead of measured and well thought out responses, I just say and do whatever seems like a good idea at the time. Don’t get me wrong, there is beauty in my honesty, but there is no beauty in putting someone on the spot, expecting them to work, think or feel as fast as I do. Moderation is the better way and while I’ve been working hard on being better in that department, I still fail at times.

So when I think of some of the times I have been rejected, I can clearly see that the outcome may have been in my favor, had I only slowed down and presented my thoughts and feelings honestly, but not forcefully. My highly analytical mind has done a great job in understanding that sometimes, well, I created my own disappointment. It also made me realize that my approach needs some tweaking and that altering a behavior does not mean you are doing so, because “no one accepts you the way you are,” but because you want to be the best you can be and create space for only the best people to come in. Being imbalanced will rarely bring in the highest caliber of situations and people. This is the absolute of the law of attraction. Like-minded energy attracts each other.

I often cursed those experiences that left me heartbroken and shattered, but only in the moment. In hindsight, the sum of my experiences made me the person that I am. It allowed me to clearly figure out not only who I really am, but what I really need and want in my life. It allowed me to create, manifest and visualize the things that make me happy, even though this process is hard work. It requires brutal honesty with oneself and absolute authenticity in all your ways of being. It means that you have to be vigilant, about each and every word, thought and feeling you have and extend into the world, and understand how they actually shape your reality. Happiness requires accountability, never blame and finger pointing. 

Which brings me to my last piece of advice, which I am going to give straight from my heart: Don’t ever, ever roll your past into the present or future! Yes, we create, map and draw into existence based on the things we know, but if you are not sure if what you know is enough, watch those who are doing it right, or get help from an expert. Find someone who can help you keeping it real. Someone who will honestly tell you if you are “doing it again,” whatever the false and destructive feeling and thought may be that compels you to potentially make another stupid mistake.

Don’t punish, project and accuse people of things someone else has done before, therefore pushing away the ones who should be in your life. Each day and each experience is new and offers a completely blank canvas and clean slate. The past served its purpose in making you the person that you are today; and this is where it ends. Now go into the world and land that amazing new job, start that new project and if you are single, find the person who takes your breath away and helps you evolve into the person you are meant to be, allowing you to live  an absolute extraordinary life.


Thoughts, Beliefs and Other Stuff

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For the past few months I have done quite a bit of soul searching. I did my “infinite possibilities” training and started meditating and visualizing again. Within these new parameters I discovered a few interesting truths about me. Some of them are pretty amazing and others are not so inspiring. The most important part I’ve re-learned is that my subconscious selection process in regards to my life choices showed some interesting patterns I wasn’t aware of. OK, let me rephrase that, maybe I was aware of the patterns to a degree, but not so much about the power I have to choose. I had truly forgotten.

In the past I was often baffled by my ability to make fairly good career moves. Sure, I can report some failures, but for the most part I had chosen pretty well when it came to my professional life. I was also pretty good in visualizing and creating most material things I’ve wanted, like cars and my house. My friend selections can be reported as quite successful, too. Again, a few choices resulted in failure, but the overall outcome was good and I still have a handful of super close friends I’ve had for more than 10 years. 

My health has always been challenging, starting when I was in 1st grade. However, I can report that I dealt with my challenges quite well; and still do. I never gave in and I never gave up and while I am often in a lot of pain, fibromyalgia doesn’t get the best of me. I can honestly report that the refusal to give up and choosing how I look at my condition keeps the outcome under enough control to not fall into complete and utter despair and instead, live a fairly qualitative life. The one thing I never truly mastered was relationships of the romantic kind. Again, not all were bad. As a matter of fact, the majority of them were decent. However, just like with the few bad friends I had, the small handful of bad relationships were so bad that they managed to instill certain negative behavioral patterns, because I had come to believe that my inability to “foresee” the outcome and to pick the right partner, meant that I was somehow deficient, incompetent, unworthy and non-deservant. It never occurred to me that these beliefs were lies. It never occurred to me that, besides choosing to be there and stay, it truly wasn’t my fault when people treated me badly.

One of my friends and role models recently posted Part 1 of this article on FB. I am going to post part 2, but you can read part 1 by clicking on the link on the top.

http://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner-part-2.html

Along with all the things I’ve learned recently, this article hit me like a ton of bricks; in a good way! I am now understanding that it is all my choice and with that comes a strange new freedom. I finally start to see that the “romantic” notion of love is not what makes a relationship successful. I’ve learned this lesson just recently, when I realized how much easier it was to be with someone I consider my best friend (the one who can withstand the “traffic test”), the one who can make me feel home (not judging me by superficial standards, having enough in common with me and giving me a genuine feeling of belonging) and finally, a person who is determined, or shall I say, committed to being with me and consistently act, speak and choose in ways that demonstrate said commitment. All the other stuff is fluff!

There used to be a time when I had checkboxes – I got rid of them. No, it doesn’t mean I dropped all my standards. I had to learn the difference between standards and superficial ego as well. I used to feel guilty for wanting someone who is financially stable. It didn’t even mean super rich. It meant that he is able to take care of himself and that he has ambition and passion, because I am a person with a lot of ambition and passion. I am someone who strives to have the best life possible and I can’t have that with someone who is unstable – financially, emotionally, mentally and physically. I used to feel guilty for having the minimum standards, because I despised superficial people my entire life. Until I realized that hair color, body type, car and all this other “fluff” meant nothing. Yes, I have one “superficial” thing (he has to be taller than me) and I found that it’s OK to want that. I also understand that there has to be initial attraction and chemistry, although I have to say that what causes this “spark” has drastically changed over the past 10 years.

There was a time when I had a type. My type has always been super tall and “unusual” looking. Long hair, tattoos, goth/punk/rock look, piercings, etc. drew me big time. I’d seek these types out and stubbornly refused to date a “normal” guy. I failed to accept for the longest time that these were not only unimportant traits, but that these were utterly wrong choices for me. With the look usually came a lifestyle, a way of being and speaking that didn’t fit me at all! I had nothing in common with the extreme types, because, as it turns out, I was way too normal and grounded for them. I thought that looks do not define a person, because I always felt that my looks didn’t define me. And while we may not always be able to judge a book by its cover, we can judge by who they are being, after numerous encounters and having spent enough time and space with them. Deep down inside I held another wrong belief, namely that people that looked different were different; in a self-confident, successful and sexy kind of way, which meant that being with someone like that would make me equally as self-confident and awesome. The belief was false and in many ways, I paid for it with a lot of heartache and sorrow. Until I learned the truth!

The truth, as it turns out, was that the looks were less important and didn’t account for chemistry! Sure, initial attraction matters, but what trumped all was how a person makes me feel, consistently. I suddenly found myself looking at everyone, but especially men, in a completely different light. I paid attention to how people made me feel and to what they’d bring out in me. There are some people, places and situations that just make you feel amazing and continuously bring out the best in you, therefore challenging you to grow and keep getting better in life. The trick was simply to have more of those experiences and less, if not to say none, of the negative, draining and disappointing experiences. It was a matter of choice, a matter of changing my mind and a matter of changing “my vibration,” if you will. False beliefs, insecurity, fear, sadness and anger only attracted the same into my life. I had to stop being these things, in order to stop attracting them into my life. I had to stop believing that I was this flawed and horrible person, based on what other people had done, said and chosen!

I now feel a change in my mind. It’s not as tangible and not quite as steady as I want it to yet, but so far it brings a certain peace of mind, happiness and laughter into my life. I am, for the first time, thrilled to be me – alone! I don’t need anyone to make me happy. I want someone who is willing and able to contribute. I am not willing to settle for just a body by my side. I have decided to rather be alone than with the wrong person. I have decided that happy, peaceful and awesome people are welcome, wanted and allowed. I have decided that each and every one of us has a wavelength, a frequency on which we are sending if you will, and that I want my partner to be on the same channel and frequency, sending vibes of laughter, love and awesomeness. When I die, I want to do so with a smile on my face, knowing that I conquered my demons and lived the life I was meant to have and deserved with every part of my being. So in closing, I’d like to add the following from TUT – A Note from the Universe:

Having preferences doesn’t mean you’re judgmental. Carmen, whether they’re likes or dislikes. They just ensure that as the  winds of divinity are blown through your heart, the melody is unlike any other. So have them, Carmen. Have them BIG time. – The Universe –


Love – Just is…Not What We Thought?

Love

 

 

 

I recently realized that my understanding of love and what it truly is has changed; and keeps changing as I get older and wiser. While some may wonder now if I have gotten cynical, bitter, disillusioned or “sad,” I would argue that quite the contrary has occurred.

Like most girls, I grew up hoping for, what Hollywood at least, sold as the perfect love. You’ll meet your soulmate, usually by some amazing divine intervention, you lay eyes on each other and everything else around you stops moving. And from that moment on you are one, forever. You have kids and a family and you buy a house and you grow into the amazing unit of unwavering unity we were all taught we are entitled to have. Then I grew up and things changed.

So, I wanted to share how I evolved from a wide-eyed romantic, to someone who still believes in love above all with all her heart, but merely adjusted what the meaning of such love truly is and most importantly, how it comes about.

See, even as a child I wondered if undying love and everlasting bond exist. Being the product of a mother who was married five times and a dad who was also married five times, along with an aunt who is currently on her third, miserable marriage, all I ever saw is that love fails. Until I realized that it isn’t love that fails, but our expectations and our very being as we grow older and define what is important to us. This is also when I learned that love, in itself, is not enough when it comes to the real world. The real world which requires us to pay bills, have jobs (sometimes jobs we didn’t want, but jobs that paid the bills) and a certain willingness to conform, if we want to be somewhat successful. I learned that human beings are much more complex. I learned that feelings change, especially when you add emotional baggage, addiction, fear, anger issues and other unforeseen forces into the equation, such as basic compatibility! Yes, I’ve learned that love is not unconditional at all. Love is quite conditional, because love depends on so much more than just a warm fuzzy feeling.

Love, I have learned, is not a chemical reaction. You know, this crazy “in-love” feeling you have, when nothing else matters and you literally do see the world through rose colored glasses and stubbornly refuse seeing who a person truly is. This is when you accept and settle for things that you would otherwise never tolerate, such as the fact that someone may have severe issues with being honest. Or the fact that they drink too much, feel too little, do drugs, lie, have no ambition, and on the list goes. No, you stubbornly refuse to listen and to see, because you are in love! And this is also when you learn that this chemical, all powerful attraction lasts an average of 6 to mostly 12 months. Then reality sets in and you are stuck with whom they truly are; which is when the issues begin.

As I grow wiser, I have learned to understand love as a true appreciation and deep respect for another and who they are – short-comings included! Out the window went the expectation for someone else to complete me and be nearly perfect. I realized that looks and attraction fade, but that character and being generally do not. I set out to find someone who I can respect, genuinely like, sit and talk to, spend time and space with and someone who helps me grow and accepts me for all that I am, just the way I am. I realized that love is still an attraction, so yes, initially I still need to find the person attractive, but what constitutes this attraction and in order for me to stay attracted, there are traits that overwrite the original expectation and wishful thinking of the tall, dark haired, probably slightly “bad” boy who would sweep me off my feet. Instead, I found that the key to my heart takes a different set of skills these days. The key is through intellect and my mind first – can he hold a conversation about anything and especially the things that are important to me/interest me, can he make me laugh, can he challenge my beliefs and opinions and does he have the ability to listen and speak? Is he honest, self-aware and kind, or does he numb, distract, run and pretend? Does he look at me and think “blah, blah,” I just want to have sex already/watch TV, etc., or does he share his thoughts with me?

I have found that all I truly want is a best friend and true partner in crime. I have read studies who claim that your man should never serve as your friend and I couldn’t disagree more. While I don’t want him to be my only friend (I sure as hell don’t want to discuss my PMS with him), I want him to be my closest friend and confidant, because if he can’t be that, he can’t be my lover either. Yes, the saying that the largest sex organ is the brain is true. If he can’t stimulate my brain, he can’t stimulate my heart and if he fails in that, he won’t stimulate my body for long either. As a person who never was truly interested or capable of one-night-stands, this holds even more true.

I am finding that being able to form a friendship first may be the key for me to build a loving relationship. Because if I don’t have to censor, which I won’t when I don’t feel I need to be “on,” like I do when I am dating, and if he still loves being around the true and raw me, chances are, we can, are you ready, grow in love.

I have learned that I grow in love, I don’t fall in love anymore. My heart is not closed. My heart is open, it’s just that it takes a different and probably larger key to get to it these days and I think that’s OK and will keep me from settling for mad chemistry and lack of substance. The best bond is that we choose to have, not the one we are forced to have because we are addicted to someone, can’t be alone, feel miserable, lonely or otherwise inadequate. And I happen to make that choice easier if I find that being around someone makes me happy and feel at ease – just the way I do when I am around my best friends.

So here is a cheer to being with your best friend, lover and partner in crime, versus your prince charming and opposite that is supposedly so attractive.


Where Are They Now? Or “Why Bullies Never Win”

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I remember when my mother moved me and my brother to a new town, when she met husband number 4. I was 12. I hadn’t been all that successful in making friends before. I was bullied and made fun of, because I was fat and we were poor. My mom, who made her living as a cleaning woman, couldn’t afford to buy the latest fashion trends, toys or whatever else kids my age had. See, the country doesn’t matter. Privileged kids  tend to be jerks, no matter where you are at. I can attest to that first hand.

So, in 5th grade we moved again. I was immediately outcast by the “cornflake” girls. You know, the pretty, or maybe not so pretty, but at least spoiled kids; the kind who has it all and felt that this entitled them to make fun of me, cast me out and badmouth me, every chance they got. I felt terribly lonely. I had spent 3rd, 4th and part of 5th grade in the library, but this new school didn’t have a library to run to.

For example, I made “friends” with a girl who lived across the street. She was stuck up and loved letting me know, every chance she got, that she came from a much better family. She spoke “proper” or “High” German and made fun of my Adidas sneakers from the supermarket, that weren’t really Adidas, but the so called “Adidas with the missing stripe,” the cheap, two-striped shoes, made of plastic. She made fun of my roller skates, which were 3 sizes too big and featured large wads of toilet paper in the toe area, so they’d fit me. My mom couldn’t afford to buy me skates and so I got a pair she found at a supermarket; on sale…3 sizes too big. I didn’t care, I was happy to have roller skates and didn’t care what people said. I had learned to, at least outwardly, ignore the comments and douche baggery coming from my peers. She made fun of how I talked and loved showcasing me to her equally stuck up friends and then kick me out, because I wasn’t good enough to hang with them. When she did “allow” me to come over, it seemed more out of feeling sorry for me, which was quickly overwritten by the fact that she simply lacked compassion or the ability to look passed my “poor” exterior. Her mom didn’t like me either. Her daughter was much too good to have a white trash friend like me.

There are other crap stories I could add. Alas, there isn’t a whole lot of use in regurgitating the stories of abuse and cruelty I had raked up by the time I was 12. But wait, there is a point to all of this; I promise 🙂

When I was a teenager, I was the most miserable. I wanted so badly to fit in and be like the popular kids. I envied them for the things they had. I envied them for having parents, for being able to afford the school trips, the school supplies, clothes and things I never had. I envied them for being better than me; well, at least my idea of being better. I vowed that I would prove that I, too, was good enough and deserved to not being bullied, made fun of and put down anymore. And boy, did I go overboard with that, but again, that’s a different story and still, not the point I want to make here.

So what is the point? Well, let me get to it, because I think it’s an important one. One that, especially teenagers, and all those who were treated like trash need to know (if they haven’t learned it yet). Ready? OK, here it is: THEY WERE AND STILL ARE THE REAL LOSERS!

Over the past few years I have slowly found quite a few of the people I went to school with on Facebook. I didn’t add the jerks, but I didn’t have to. Lots of them had the jerks as friends and all I had to do was go to their page in order to learn the true meaning of success.

I was the mousy, ignored, poor and bullied girl I in school. The one who was quite insignificant, couldn’t afford anything, wasn’t well traveled and probably the least remembered in the ranks of awesome. But, here I am, living the life I dreamed of having one day. I may not have been “rich” but where everyone else screwed around, unable or unwilling to pay attention in school, because they were too busy being cool, I poured all my passion and energy into getting good grades. I recognized that the only chance I had to “make it” was to get a great education. And I was right.

I live in California, I travel(ed) the world and I have a career I am passionate about and can’t wait to get up for every day. I look at the pages of these stuck up kids, boys and girls, who have grown as unattractive on the outside, as they used to be on the inside.  All of them are now insignificant people, with mediocre jobs and lives, and being as uninspired and miserable as anyone, who felt that it was enough to be cute or hot in high school. NONE of them did anything worth mentioning. Their “fame” and popularity has long faded. There is nothing to envy them about anymore.

I just celebrated my 45th birthday in Hawaii. I stayed at a 5 Star hotel, I swam with dolphins, I snorkeled and I was able to cross two more items off of my bucket list. I paid for it. I worked for it. I earned it. I had no help, no husband who paid for me and no one to kiss up to. What I lacked in popularity and good looks, I made up in wit, intelligence and street smarts. I not only moved out of the white trash life I knew, but I ventured to California, working my way up from a receptionist to a director; and I did it alone. I worked and I succeeded in part because of these people. Because I was told that I was nothing and would never be anything, I fought to prove them all wrong. And I did it with integrity, honesty and kindness. Yes, I sometimes screwed up, but my heart was always in the right spot and I never forgot where I came from.

I didn’t want to be a victim, I didn’t want to be a statistic and I didn’t want to be one of them. I didn’t want to sit on my butt, while whining about how crappy life is and blaming the world, my childhood, my abuse and my sad stories for my short-comings and choices. The douche bags taught me how not to be; in my personal and professional life. With each bully, jerk and unaccountable finger-pointer and victim I’ve met, I learned a little bit more about what not to do. And with each amazing, inspiring and kind person I’ve met, I learned more about the person I aspired to be.
I never gave up and reached every goal I ever set for myself, while still being able to look at myself in the mirror, knowing that I not only worked for what I have, but paid it forward. To this day, the biggest joy for me is helping others and standing up for those less fortunate; for those who don’t have a voice and can’t defend themselves and for those who are bullied.

No, I wasn’t and still am not perfect, but I kept chipping away at creating a life that is meaningful, so I can look back one day and be proud of the things I’ve accomplished and the person I am. I set out to find happiness and joy and I found it. I set out to be a good person, over being a rich person and within doing that became richer than I ever hoped for. Best part? I am not done yet.

Success isn’t measured by the crap we have. I learned that as I sold my house and got rid of almost all my belongings in order to pursue my dream career. On paper, I sure as hell don’t have a lot, but in my heart, mind and spirit, I am wealthier than anyone in my family and anyone I grew up with. I know that when I die, I will have an amazing journey behind me. I know that I have touched and hopefully keep touching, the life of many. I know that I have made a difference for quite a few and I know that I am emotionally, mentally and spiritually wealthy beyond measure. Now that is true success. For each person that wronged and hurt me, I have met ten who loved and supported me. I think this is karma at its finest.

So – don’t harbor resentment and regret. Don’t dwell on the naysayers, the jerks and self-centered douche canoes. Don’t engage with the toxic and miserable ones, but know that there is a price to be paid for all our actions; and doing it right, i.e. standing in honesty, integrity, kindness and decency pays off – if not sooner, than definitely later.

Growing up, the bullies may have been popular, prettier, thinner and “richer” than me. But today, they are just people. People who reaped what they’ve sowed. I am proudly proclaiming that I am reaping what I’ve sowed. Next time someone puts you down, speaks badly about you or treats you unkind, don’t sweat it. Just look at their life and the people in it to understand that they truly and honestly don’t matter. Remember that happy begets happy, successful begets successful and misery loves company. Just smile and say “thank you.”


What Self-Love Means

I didn’t write this article, but couldn’t have said it better. I am also proud to report that I have learned this and do a pretty good job, most of the time (still struggle sometimes with not beating myself up over not being perfect on the exterior).

Here is the link and I’ve posted the whole article as well. Enjoy!

What Self-Love Means

What Self-Love Means: 20+ Ways to Be Good to Yourself

Heart with Hands

“Self-love requires you to be honest about your current choices and thought patterns and undertake new practices that reflect self-worth.” ~Caroline Kirk

If one more person told me to go love myself I was going to levitate into the air and pull one of those impossible martial arts moves from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I was sick of it!

What the heck does loving myself mean? Were they talking about bubble baths, pedicures, and cucumber masks? It turns out there is so much more to self-love than just pampering ourselves. I found this out the hard way.

About a year and a half ago, I almost died after a bad break-up. I had devoted so much of my energy to making the relationship work that I had completely neglected my own needs, and had given away my power and my responsibility for happiness.

As I wrote about here, when I finally developed the courage to end an addictive and painful relationship, I had to live with the effects of lack of self-love.

I struggled to eat, sleep, or continue my daily functioning. I spent every waking hour to myself, trying to understand how and why I had gotten there. I had to know, because whatever it was, if I did not attend to it, this was going to be the end of the road for me. I knew it.

I made mixed media collages, journaled, watched The Notebook five more times, cried, and called up friends to keep me company while I ate my few bites each day.

During this whole time, I found places in my story where I was not present to my own life, my body or my spirit. I was just there. I found the places where I had abandoned myself and then gotten mad at the other person for not meeting my needs.

The truth was, I did not have a big enough inner container to hold the love I so desired even if I received it, because my self-love tank had shrunk down to the size of a bottle cap.

It finally became very clear to me that there was one core reason I had gotten there: I did not know anything about self-love.

This realization launched me into a relentless search for the meaning of self-love, internally and externally.

I found that self-love is a not a destination, it’s a practice. It is like brushing our teeth. Self-love is a foundation on which we build a happy life. Without self-love, we have nowhere to put the love or abundance that comes to us.

Not sure what it looks like to love yourself? Here is what I’ve learned. Self-love is…

1. Choosing ourselves, even if it means upsetting others and not being popular anymore. Even if it means we leave a party before anyone else because we feel tired, overwhelmed, or just plain feel done with the crowd.

2. Telling what is true for us, not swallowing words that express what we truly feel, think, or want to do.

3. Giving our body the nurturing, rest, exercise, and comfort it needs to the best of our ability.

4. Wearing clothes that make us feel good and fit our personality instead of wearing clothes that are in fashion that we use to impress others.

5. Building a life that we love while we are single instead of waiting for our prince/princess to show up to explore life and to be happy.

6. Accepting ourselves with the good, the bad, the ugly, the sexy, and the smelly—all of it—andappreciating ourselves as whole people.

7. Making time to do whatever we love, just to play, without worrying about wasting time.

8. Owning our inner and outer beauty and complimenting ourselves without feeling guilty, arrogant, or entitled.

9. Not rehashing our past mistakes and dragging ourselves to a dark place when we know that we can only learn from the past; we can’t change it.

10. Spending some quality, connected time with ourselves instead of always watching TV or wasting time on the Internet.

11. Using discretion when sharing our heart, self, and dreams with others.

12. Trusting the path that our soul is on and making a genuine effort to become a conscious co-creator of our destiny.

13. Not blaming our parents for our current issues, and looking for ways to heal our wounds and change our dysfunctional patterned behaviors by reaching out to ministers, therapists, coaches, and healers.

14. Following what our gut/intuition says instead of living out of our brain and ego.

15. Staying in our integrity, both when it comes to ourselves and when interacting with others out in the world. This includes keeping ourselves in check regarding patterns such as lying, manipulating, co-depending, withholding, and pretending.

16. Allowing ourselves to dream big, without contaminating these dreams with judgments, our perceived limitations, or a lack of sense of deserving.

17. Knowing how we’re spending our emotional, mental, financial, and physical energy, and whether these activities bring back joy, connection, nurturing, rest, and creativity to our lives.

18. Taking responsibility for all of our experiences. Knowing that we have the ability for deeper self-awareness and access to our intuition when it comes to making life choices.

19. Not labeling ourselves with others’ opinions of us, while having the courage to look inside to see if there might be some truth to them.

20. Learning to set boundaries that protect and nurture our relationships, with ourselves and others.

21. Allowing ourselves to make mistakes and not berating ourselves for making them. Instead, choosing to appreciate our desire to learn and grow.

22. Refusing to seek permission or approval to be ourselves. Recognizing that we, like everyone else, deserve to take up space on this planet just as who we are right now.

And lastly, self-love is:

23. Loving and accepting ourselves even when we fail miserably at some of these self-love goals.

No one else can offer these things to us. No one else can take our vitamins for us or prevent us from going into a self-loathing attack.

Even if we land the best partner on the planet, this person won’t be able to make us happy and feel loved unless we create the space for it inside by practicing self-love. This is why self-love is an inside job.

From my heart to your heart…

 


Time, Zeit – Is It Ever Right?

Ready

If I had a single dollar for every part of my life where timing wasn’t right, I’d be a billionaire. Timing – isn’t it an interesting concept? And isn’t it about the only thing we never truly have enough of? It ticks away and within a heartbeat, it runs out.

I’m a jumper. I jump into things and oh yes, I have gotten my butt kicked for that, in the proverbial sense. I jump and I run and while I used to run away from things I now run toward them. I run and I jump, because I truly value the essence of time. I understand, maybe more than most, how precious time is and how quickly it can be taken away; so I simply don’t waste it. I am always aware of my mortal coil and while it sounds so cliché, I know that lightning could strike tomorrow and I may be run over by a truck. My mom sure as hell had no clue that she was about to die when she went to the hospital to merely get some gallstones removed – she was 48.

Why do we treat our life as if it was endless? Why do we act as if we had an endless amount of life and health? We waste it all away, careless and clueless until it gets taken away from us. Oh, how we take it all for granted. How we think there is always another chance for us. There is always tomorrow; or next week, next month or next year, right?

Today, I woke up understanding once more that I am on borrowed time and that it ticks away slowly and surely with each breath I take. I realized once more that I have a duty to myself to live life to its fullest potential and above all – love myself, forgive myself and continuously strive to be the best I can be.  Today, I realize once more that there is no such thing as being ready; at least not for me. Some things will happen to me, regardless if I am ready for them or not. I can cease the day, the moment and the opportunity and handle it like the the woman I want to be. I can recognize each amazing moment, person and situation and face it, head on! I shall not run away and dwell in fear, doubt and regret. For how often have I ever felt regret for the things I’ve done versus the things I didn’t do and ran from?

Today, I realize once more that I am always in the perfect moment, at the perfect time. I have no regret, I have no fear, I am ready now – I was born ready. May I never miss a single moment of joy, bliss, happiness, love, friendship and wonder. May I always be able to take this leap of faith, instead of waiting and worrying that I may not be ready, wondering what if. May I never hesitate and keep running and jumping, arms and heart wide open. And may you be able to do the same. With love and light…