Why David Bowie Meant So Much To Many Of Us


I have never considered myself like everyone else; even as a child. There was a distinct difference in how I acted and thought, perceived the world, and how deeply I felt. My heart always ran and still runs very deep and I always had a highly vivid imagination – I was, and will always remain, a huge dreamer. I could be found sporting my mom’s red robe as a cape, while singing into a wooden spoon and dancing in front of the radio. I would have given the world to be a ballerina and/or a singer. Alas, dancing lessons were not available for someone as poor as me. Growing up in the deepest working class, with mom working as a cleaning woman to support me and my brother, while I was taking care of the household at 8, didn’t leave money for dancing or singing lessons.

I used to disappear into an imaginary world, filled with heroes and brightly clad people; kings and queens, princesses and princes and all things fairy tales are made of. I did two things: I read a huge amount of books – and I listened to music. Escaping into a fantasy world saved my life. It saved me from doing drugs or picking up drinking, the chosen past time for a lot of working class, latchkey kids and teenagers.

I was drawn to the outrageous performers: David Bowie, Freddy Mercury, Boy George, Robert Smith, Adam Ant, Steve Strange from Visage – just to name a few. I loved the make up. I loved the theater and the outrageous clothing. I had more gay than straight friends. I was a proud New Wave girl (something that later on turned into Goth) when I was a teenager. Besides a stint of a few years, I never, ever dressed or looked “normal” again. I also remained non-committal to any scene or crowd and kept friends of all colors, backgrounds, religions, looks and creed. But I always favored the artists and dreamers. This is who I have been for all of my life.

Of course, I started out dressing “weird,” to stand out and be different (it’s what one does at 14) and because I hated how mean society was. I was escaping my bleak surroundings, the bullies in school and the utter helplessness I felt growing up. I was rebelling against a system I thought favored the shallow and beautiful. Now, as I look back, I realize that the reasons ran much deeper: we dreamers were just made differently! Most of us dressed and expressed ourselves in ways that reflected how we felt. David Bowie was such a person. He was bending all the rules on what you’re supposed to be; on having to decide if you are gay or straight, a boy or girl, into rock, glam, or whatever else floats your boat. He and the other dreamers taught us that love at first sight was OK and that following one’s heart wasn’t stupid at all. He was the space man, the goblin king and androgynous super hero, and I loved him for it.

I found solace in knowing that people like him existed and I spent hours escaping into magical worlds of wonder and true love when listening to their music and reading my fairy tale books. Doing this kept me sane and I don’t think those who didn’t experience this will ever understand why we then feel as if a piece of our soul is ripped out when one of these magical beings dies. I guess, some of us felt all along that we were floating in a tin can and David Bowie took some of that loneliness we aliens feel away.

PS: I also cried my eyes out when Freddy Mercury died! I am still sad about this one, too.

The Heart of a Moonchild

When I was a child I used to have the most vivid imagination. I literally spent years dreaming up new worlds, people, situations and identities. I had wings and didn’t care for reality, or better what people told me was real or possible/not possible and not real. I constantly reinvented myself and didn’t care if the new creation was one people deemed acceptable or not.

This part always stayed with me. It’s the very core of my being. Yes, I’d try to hide it and shut it down, but how can you shut off your core? So, out of necessity, I created numerous versions of myself; sadly, often versions I thought other people wanted or needed me to be. This turned the simple act of love often into agony.

See, when I was a child I learned how to truly see the true core of others; before it was corrupted, morphed, distorted, damaged and surrounded by walls. I got in trouble for it. I was often accused of seeing the world through rose-colored glasses, being a dreamer, detached, unfocused and way too sensitive. My mom would punish me for it, my teachers would note it in my report cards and my friends would scold me for it, instructing me how to “toughen up.” To me, this was my magic power. I was able to see potential, where others didn’t. I saw beauty in things others missed. And of course, this ability scared the living crap out of many. It’s difficult for some to be around a person who cannot be lied to, speaks truth at all cost and, to quote a few, would hold up a mirror to them, showing them who they really are; not who they want others to see.

There were labels for me, so many labels: intense, scary, judgmental, too much, fierce, the wild card, too honest, too open, not filtered enough, in dire need of a drink or drug; and the saddest of all: too sensitive. I tried to be less and tone down my being, but honestly, I didn’t like myself very much when I was censored, subdued and guarded. And again, love would be agony.

How could I be me, all of me, without drawing those who needed my energy to sustain, or those who would run from the tornado I was? How could I fall in love deeply and safely and be loved back just as deeply? I felt so lost in a world that, to me, seemed mostly filled with people who struck me as cold, self-absorbed, angry, broken and void of magic.

The answers came slowly and over years. I had to simply let go of the world and the people in it. I had to see and be my own magic. I had to reach within and stop looking to the outside. I started dancing again – alone, when no one was watching. I started singing more, laughing, crying, feeling and exploring – alone. I fell in love again, deeply and fiercely, with my beautiful, magical and fragile, sensitive, yet amazingly strong core. I’d sweep her up in my arms, spin until we were dizzy, hold her close and tell her that she is loved; just the way she is and exactly for who she is.

People will always judge me, good and bad, but it doesn’t really matter so much anymore. As long as I can truly love myself and stand in who I am firmly and strongly, I can trust, let go of any attachment and know that each Moonchild has their stars-in-eyes, strong hearted and fierce warrior, who will sweep her up, take her by the hand and love her fiercely and truly, because she is so sensitive.


And this, so much this!

You Don’t Need A Man, You Need a Goddamn Warrior.
Kate RoseVia Kate Roseon Aug 12, 2015

Warning: naughty language ahead!

To my sweet wild woman, I know why it hasn’t worked out with anyone else—you don’t need a man, but a goddamn warrior.

You are the strength of Turkish coffee at sunrise darlin’ and don’t try to pretend that you’re not.

You are one of the wild ones, and no matter how you tried to hide that fact, you can’t be anything other than what you are—and that’s okay. You are just as you are supposed to be, magnificently wild in all of your chaotic beauty.

I know you’ve had your heart broken and I know that you don’t understand why it always seems to never work out, but I’ve finally figured it out:

You don’t need a man, you need a goddamn warrior.

It doesn’t matter if this warrior drives a Jeep or a shiny sports car, and it won’t matter if he wears silk or cotton—it will not even matter if he works in a high-rise, or on the night shift.

What is going to matter is that when it comes to taking bets on your heart, he is going to be high stakes—all the way.

This warrior of yours will crave your strength, and your intensity. He’s going to look at you and not see something to tame, but something to just fuckin’ admire. This warrior of yours won’t be someone that you can manipulate or play with as you have in the past, so honey, don’t even try—and trust me, you’re going to love him even more because of it.

Because you aren’t just a woman, you’re a goddamn goddess.

Your fierceness is going to bring him to his knees every single time he looks into your gorgeous eyes, but the difference is, unlike the others, he isn’t going to be scared off. No, this time, you will have finally met your match—because a simple man for you just won’t do.

You need someone to match the fire in your eyes with his own. Not only that, my little wild thing, but this warrior of yours is going to want to encourage the flames instead of trying to douse them with his own insecurities.

Because for you, a warrior is the only man who will ever live in the wild with you.

He may not have to slay any dragons to earn your love, but he would still walk through fire if it meant seeing that amazing smile that you hold in reserve for only him.

This is the thing, free spirit, this warrior you seek….he’s seeking you too.

For he’s had failed relationships that have left him wondering if maybe he was meant to be alone for the rest of his journey—and you’re going to change all of that for him. You both have been travelling along on your separate journeys and have been doing an okay job at it, but that about to change too.

Because baby, when you and this warrior of yours meet and collide—it’s going to be a love set on fire.

Don’t try to run this time—I know your heart has been broken before, and that you’re not used to things working out, but this time it’s different. Give yourself time to see that.

This warrior of yours needs to see that it’s possible for someone to see all of his wild, and still be there when he craves his freedom and ventures off into this world for a bit. You won’t always need to follow him, just as he won’t always follow you. Let yourself stay wild, even when all you want to do is curl up in that spot along his side and forget the rest of the world exists.

Let yourself still wander naked under the full moon, and drink moonshine with the stars. Let yourself feel the pull of the wind on your heart, and the sun toward a new journey. Because this warrior is going to love you because of your wild—and he’ll want you to keep it.

You’ll be in this together now, this amazing, crazy, chaotic, wonderfully heartbreaking life—because it takes a warrior to love a goddess. And it takes a goddess to show a warrior what real love is.

So pack up your insecurities and your ideas about picket fences, because that was never you anyway. You were born knowing that you were destined for more, and now is the time for you to see what all those dreams look like.

There is no stopping a love like this, so promise me you’ll hold out just a little bit longer.

Have a little bit of hope, and always give love just one more try, because I promise you my sweet wild woman—the love that you seek is seeking you as well.

Hookups Suck – Because You Are A Woman

despicable me minions













Last week I was lectured again about my “inability to just have fun and go with the flow.” The conclusion and supposed reason for my behavior was given in a voice that was slightly amused and belittling, “of course you feel that way. You are a woman.” I find this label not just annoying, but insulting. As if being a woman means something negative, or would take away from my strength, somehow make me weak or inferior. Your idea of fun and my idea of fun may vary monumentally. And my idea of fun is not simply getting laid; and here is why.

I am actually no different than most people in what I find attractive. I gravitate towards men who know the meaning of integrity, are smart, ambitious, funny, witty, decisive, confident and intuitive; intuitive enough to be self-aware, while understanding how his actions and words affect those around him. In order for me to be attracted enough to want to sleep with someone, I need to see traces of these traits. Simply put, a man who cannot stimulate my brain and parts of my heart won’t get into my pants either. Stop saying it’s because I am a woman!

Over my lifetime I have met both, men and women, that are wired just like me and some that are the exact opposite. Good for you if you can have casual sex and compartmentalize, but why do you assume or speak as if my way is inferior and a huge weakness? Is it a flaw to crave true, authentic bonds and experience intimacy first? Maybe I feel that jumping into bed with someone I’m not even comfortable enough spending a day with is shallow; but unlike you, I do not judge if that is what you want. Do what floats your boat and makes you happy. Trust me, it’s not because you are a man, or a woman wired like a man. What does that even mean? I crave connection, because it’s how I am built, end of story.

I have always found it dissatisfying to wake up next to someone I am not really close to. Trust me, I’ve tried it. I am human and got carried away for the illusion of closeness or a projection of what I needed to see on numerous occasions. Yes, sometimes I just wanted someone next to me. However, the outcome never changed. I felt empty, kind of skittish and couldn’t wait to get away. As a whole, I am sensitive, super sensitive even, and my heart is a fragile thing that requires tending to. I do not expect another to do that for me, but I do expect others to respect that bit about me. I don’t need to be ridiculed for it and told “you really need to loosen up and have some fun.” It isn’t fun to me to go through a motion. My body doesn’t respond too well if I am not connected. Quite on the contrary! I find it anxiety inducing and agonizing if I liked someone enough to sleep with them and didn’t know if he would want me back, or just used me to have some fun.

There are all these labels: serial dater, serial monogamist, super sensitive, too tense, too much, too intense, boring, too organized, not spontaneous enough, blah, blah, blah! Here is my answer: YAY FOR ME! If my inability to just hop into bed with someone, before I feel potential for something more makes me too predictable then I’d rather be predictable, boring and lame. If my willingness to spend months without a warm body, because I’m rather at home by myself and doing Netflix marathons, or traveling to an exciting destination (there is my idea of being spontaneous), takes away from the game, well, then I’ll rather not play. Having to be elusive, mysterious, hard to get and standoffish, while pretending to not be all that interested is too exhausting. If the idea of “going with the flow” means I am not “allowed” to plan anything, ask him out too soon (what is it again, a three day rule?), or god forbid, tell him how much I like him and how I’d love to date him exclusively, is cramping his style, then he is simply not right for me. I will not pretend to be something or someone I am not.

I happen to believe that our society’s inability to truly connect open and honestly, without filters, while putting ourselves fully out there, regardless of the outcome, is sad and disheartening. I don’t take pleasure in plastic and shallow and I surely will not play games. See, I happen to really like myself and dare I say, love myself enough to understand that who I am and what I am is just fine, including the fact that I am not mysterious or hard to get. The way I view the world and the people in it, along with my desire to leave this planet in a better state than the one I found it in, requires an equal, not just to recognize these qualities in me, but to find them attractive, lovable and desirable. I am not merely a walking vagina. Anyone who really thinks that the ability to manipulate certain parts of the anatomy and make them respond a certain way is awesome and his only strength is not someone I want to be with. I find a man who is able and willing to connect and feel much more intriguing and inspiring than the dude who can screw his way through hours of marathon sex, while priding himself on his ability to make a woman come.

Craving true and authentic connection and intimacy is what I want, who I am and choose to be. Stop telling me that it’s a bad thing. Why would I want mundane, when I can have extraordinary. So, I’m going to sit on my planet, knowing that I am fine just the way I am, because I am me, and not because I am a woman, not because I am weak, needy or boring. I am me, and while my heart may get broken and trampled on much more than those who can disconnect and compartmentalize, I’m still willing to keep putting myself out there and try again. It’s the idealist in me, you know?

I Am All That I Am – And that’s fabulous!

I Love Me Written inside a Heart Drawn in Sand





Sometimes I am very aware of how much I am like a wave. Like the constant ebb and flow of the ocean, I, too, find myself flowing in and out of various states of consciousness. But, above all, there are times when I remember, yet again, how important loving myself truly is.

I have been struggling sometimes with this concept. Sadly, I am still giving way too many f***s about others at times and it shapes how I look at myself. But, sooner or later there is always the “aha” moment again, where I realize that I need to just learn to give less f***s and go back to my core.

The thing is that I really, really don’t want to sound like one of “those” sad women, who rattle off their emotional resume; you know the kind who cries in her beer/wine and goes “WHAAAAHAAAA!! But I am such a good catch. I am smart, I am successful and I am pretty…” yada yada yada. Because honestly, this is not so much how I truly view myself. When I speak of loving myself, it is much more an honest glimpse at myself, my accomplishments, my failures, my strengths and weaknesses, sporting a slightly crooked grin, doing a little shoulder shrug and then, whilst shaking my head, going “yeah, you’re OK, girly.”

Sure, there are stunts I have pulled in my life that still have me scratch my head, going “WTF happened there,” but overall, I am OK with the choices I have made and the path I am on; even though I have no clue where it may lead. And you know what? That’s quite OK, too!

My entire life I have admired people who were taking risks, were extroverted, sure of themselves, unapologetically in people’s faces and stood firmly in who they were. I envied them, until I realized that I have quite a bit of these qualities myself. I mean, who else decides “I’m going to move up North!” and then goes and makes it happen within a mere two months.

Looking back at everything, I do love my willpower, my determination and the ability to bounce back, no matter what and still feel overall joyful, happy, cheery and even idealistic. I am glad that I haven’t turned bitter, miserable and angry. I am happy that I still have a twinkle in my eyes, still ask with all sincerity “really????” and mean it and that I have my heart, which is still wide open and a bit bleeding for all those who are less fortunate than me.

I am grateful that I am able to pay it forward. I am grateful that I am I – unapologetically so, in your face, dead honest and crooked grin sporting.

What It’s Like to be a Woman

Woman Hard to Be by Darry D

Women are leaders, women are in the army, play all sports and do what men do. In Germany, there is a female president and overall, the idea of women being treated equal to men has been going around for a while. Women can do what men do, but two things: Grow old and gain weight.

I remember being in second and third grade. I had the double whammy going – I was overweight AND poor, therefore sporting cheap hand-me-downs and clothes that weren’t fashionable. I was bullied, made fun of and largely ignored. I had pretty good grades but the dumb and pretty girls had tons of friends and the boys lined up. By the time I reached 5th grade, I had lost most of the weight and vowed I’d “be prettier than all of these jerks when I get older.”

This started a lifelong experiment, unhealthy behavioral patterns, abuse to my body, psychological damage and self-esteem issues even years of therapy couldn’t quite fix. The horrible experiences I had from being abused at home and by society left me often despising the fact that I was female.

Over the years, I did what most of us girls do: I dieted, I did extreme workouts, I starved myself, I creamed, I used products and spent ungodly amounts of money to become what society tells me I should be; while at the same time sabotaging it and hating it. I got tons of tattoos, I dyed and cut off my “beautiful blond curls” and sported black, red and blue hair. I systematically dismantled the image of the pretty blond girl people wanted me to be. And yes, I paid a price. I will spare you to years of abuse I did to myself, simply because I had learned at the age of about 9 that I was not desirable, pretty and what boys wanted.

The sad thing is that these are engrained society traits. Nothing changes. Look at public figures and actors. Let’s take Johnny Depp – the man is 50 and dates a girl in her 20s. Let me not even start listing the examples of men I know, including my ex.
Men have been conditioned to believe that women should look and behave a certain way. They will say things like “I do like curvy women,” but their idea of curves is large breasts, small waist and nice hips. Ixnay on fat on the belly, thighs and butt, the place women do carry their fat naturally. They will state that they want women who are independent and smart, but the truth is that they are quickly willing to trade these traits for arm-candy. When they say “independent” they merely mean they don’t want to pay for everything and want her to have a job. Men will say that they, too, are put into categories and that women only want certain types and yet, I largely call BS on that. I don’t remember a single time any of the women I know broke up with a guy because he had gone bald, gained weight or grew older. I, however, can list a whole bunch of incidences where I was judged and rejected for having gained weight – even though I never was obese! I was considered too fat at size 8 and definitely a goner at size 10/12, which seems to be the range I am mostly finding myself in, especially since I turned 40. I was told at 125 lbs and 24 years old that I was too fat by my first husband; and that’s just one example.

When we get together with our friends, male or female, they will tell us that we are such a great catch; that we are smart, successful, beautiful and sexy; but if this is not how society sees us because we are not what’s being sold on TV and in the media as “hot,” we might as well see it for what it is – love and support from those who love us. This is why most of us don’t believe that we are what those close to us tell us. Our self-images are distorted and we no longer see ourselves through the eyes of an unbiased bystander. We’ve learned early on that the whole world will judge us, so we might as well follow suit – and this is what’s truly sad. We’ve learned to buy into the notion and actually believe that we are only worth something when we are young and sport a great body.

I find myself at the present stage – at 45, suffering from fibromyalgia, unable to work out hard, a horrible metabolism, a size 10, lots of tattoos, short, spiky red hair, never sporting skirts or dresses and utterly horrified by the idea of dating. I am so afraid of the judgment, the disappointment and rejection that I don’t even want to try. I am successful, I am intelligent, I make great money, I am independent and I am kind. Alas, I’m no longer young and skinny and last time I’ve checked, that really apparently outweighs who I am as a person.

Last time when I was in Germany, I overheard one of my nieces telling my great niece, who is 12, that she is starting to gain weight and better watch out that she doesn’t become fat. I just hung my head and thought “welcome to being a girl.”

Life – It Just Is


Life has gotten a bad rep. Life is hard, life is unfair and sometimes it is full of surprises – namely, the bad kind. Life is a bitch, no matter how you slice and dice it and no matter what religion you are part of. Just ask the Buddhists (life is full of suffering), or the Christians (born into this world as a sinner and going down hill from there). So, what is there to look forward to and why do I need to pass on this misery to offspring? Maybe it’s due to the fact that life really isn’t all that bad.
What I have found is that life is not really a mystery. Yes, there often seems to be no apparent rhyme or reason for who gets dealt the ass card and who dwells in paradise, but that doesn’t mean it’s so hard to figure out. To me, life is common sense and there are certain rules, behaviors and thought patterns one can follow that make life a lot easier. Because, to the contrary of what people say, we do have control over our lives. We don’t have control over others or what happens to them, but we have full control over our own actions, thoughts, behaviors and the results they bring. Which brings me to one of the largest life rules – don’t be a jerk!
Yes, we can go out and horde and acquire and never share and be selfish. We can be unkind and act like jerks by being dishonest, deceitful, mean and spiteful. We can treat others badly, we can be victims, we can be cry babies, wanna bes, fakers, ungrateful douche bags and never learn a damn thing and maybe, we end up with the upper hand; for a little while. Maybe we get the job, raise and money we chased, but we won’t find happiness. This isn’t the power of some supernatural being. It’s cause and effect. How you treat others, what you do and say is exactly what you’re attracting in return. Selfish and heartless jerks tend to be lonely people – no friends or relationships to speak of. So, if no one wants anything to do with you and you relive the same crappy reality year in and out, it’s you and your actions, not life or anyone/anything else.
So what about the horrible things that happen to people? What about cancers, disease/sickness, death, crime, abuse, etc.? There is the “no rhyme or reason” part I’ve mentioned earlier. But how you deal with any of these things is again what defines you. It’s this “christened by fire” thing. I have found that those who experienced a lot of pain due to things that were out of their hands/they didn’t cause have become better and stronger people for it. I don’t know what it is, but those who have suffered the most often tend to have the biggest hearts, compassion and joy for life. Yes, there are those who became mean, bitter and even worse people, but that was usually due to the fact that they were jerks to begin with. Those who weren’t became even better people –and yes, this is something I sometimes struggle with, too. Really, it took THAT to help me learn what it’s all about??? I think I could have learned it without this experience!
What I wish is that people would have more common sense, would do less finger pointing, more apologizing and act and speak more with integrity, honesty and decency. That would take care of a whole bunch of bad lives. I had this fight with my aunt recently. She was upset because I never comment on anything she does and never “like” anything she posts. This woman has never cared for anyone in her entire life. Everything she says and does always has and always will be about her and only her. So I told her that and all hell broke loose. Alas, she lives in a nice home, she buys stuff, lots of stuff and has no friends, no family and no one who cares. The same goes for various other people I’ve encountered in my life. They complain about being all alone, their relationships not lasting, their lack of friends or family who calls or wants anything to do with them and they do this for years and decades and consistently fail to see that their very actions and words have created their own hell.
Life is not a bitch. Sometimes, bad people get away with murder (figuratively and literally speaking) and sometimes the best people get hit with tragedy, trauma and horror. But the very quality of the majority of our life and the people in it are a direct reflection of the people we are being in this world. Strong friendships, true love, a helping hand, compassion, fun, laughter, happiness and joy are all results of our character and the people we are. If we are not happy with the content, we must change our own actions and words, before we start unleashing on others. And if we are “good” people and still attract douche bags all the time, then we still must look within and find out why we feel we don’t deserve better and healthier and keep seeking out broken people who support our image of being non-deservant and not good enough.
Life always ends in death, but how we live until then is up to us. And if we want the journey to be as pleasant as possible we can do our part to make that happen. Our life and the people in it – one large reflection of who we are. So, be good, be loyal, be compassionate, honest, strong, kind and caring. Have integrity and dignity and trust that the ride will be less bumpy and more rewarding.


Belief Trumps Knowledge – When Truth Is Merely An Opinion

Over the past few years, I have gotten increasingly disgusted by what is sold to the public as truth and by how little people actually inform themselves.
As a modern and intelligent society, we are failing miserably. We have made our fights and passions about beliefs instead of facts. We follow what we have been taught and are conditioned to believe, even though said beliefs may be downright wrong or untrue; and we are willing to defend them and our views at all cost.
We follow; even in the face of blatant injustice; and even when someone proves us wrong. We take questioning as an attack on our character and we lash out. I want to trust in a society that is growing and evolving as a species. Alas, a lot of people are regressing. We used to laugh about movies like “Idiocracy” and yet, there are times when I wonder if we are headed this way.
I used to be super spiritual. I believed in “god” very strongly and devoted a vast majority of my time to convince others that believing in a higher power is not a bad thing. My beliefs were based on the need to escape from an abusive childhood. After all, if you have the option to choose between having been visited by angels, over your brain creating an alternate reality in order for you to cope, you’ll choose the angels. If you get to pick the idea that you’ll live on after you die and hang with friends and relatives that have also died, you’ll probably choose that, instead of the, somewhat cold and not so inspiring version of you going nowhere and just being dead. Personally, I don’t think there is anything wrong with any of that! I still believe in life after death! I still believe my mom came and visited me after she died! But the key words in my statements are “I believe!” I am not traveling the world and my circle of friends or co-workers, selling my personal views as the ultimate truth. I always stated very clearly that my personally held beliefs, faith and views are up for grabs, debate and debunking!
I pride myself on being open-minded, even though I sometimes am not and haven’t always been. However, there is this thing called “self-awareness,” and that dictates that I look at my own biases and hypocrisy; namely applying the same common sense I expect others to have. Being open minded also means that I am open to the idea that I may just be completely and utterly wrong! Sometimes, this means overwriting a belief or view I may have held for many years, or even most of my life. But having free will dictates that I am shifting my views and opinions as evidence to the contrary surfaces. If proof comes from sources that are not based on belief and bias, but instead on extensive study, research and testing, how can we turn around and respond with “screw you! I don’t believe you.” How do we justify arguing that creation trumps science, but call other other religions nonsense? The gist of all religions is the pretty much the same. The interpretation, however, varies immensely.
Why are we lacking the fundamental reasoning ability to make the “right” decision, regardless of what we have been taught? In what universe can we defend harming, hating and killing others?! In what universe do you live when your compassion has been reduced to a “I’m not supporting moochers” every time you are asked to help people that are less fortunate. Do you feel better by thinking that everyone without a job, or who is poor, is a moocher and therefore not worthy of your help? Why is it OK to not care about the well-being of our fellow men? Is it because you, as the stronger and wealthier one, are asked to step up to the plate and help out?  Does it make you feel better to tell yourself that you don’t have a lot either, and therefore shouldn’t give at all? How can you not see that by denying basics like food, health, shelter and compassion, you are also contributing to a society that is no longer able to sustain itself in healthy ways.
The only time people tend to change false beliefs and biases is if it costs them dearly, or if they are affected. When I first moved to this country, my neighbor used to be a minister for the Church of the Nazarene. He preached and engaged in missionary trips with his wife for most of their life. “Rules” included crap like women having to dress modestly – no make up, no “flashy” clothes, etc. And of course, the ultimate evangelical rule: NO HOMOSEXUALITY! He preached this stuff, across the globe, until his son came out to him. He left the church. As he and his wife told me, they could no longer engage in a religion that taught them to outcast and hate their own child. This is awesome, but where was that knowledge that he was harming another, before he was affected!? Why did he think it was OK to hate gay people before his own child came out?
And sadly, this is how we operate. We badmouth those on welfare, because they must be lazy. After all, WE never had to use welfare or unemployment. We fight equal health care, because god forbid, we have to pay more taxes; after all, we have healthcare and take care of business. But boy does this change when you get diagnosed with cancer and can’t afford the treatment; or when you have an accident and have to stay in the hospital for a while and can neither pay the medical bills, nor your house payments any longer, because you lost your job. We don’t pay, unless we have to. We don’t donate, unless we are affected. We have no compassion, unless we are hit.
We vote for government officials that are bought by the Koch Brothers and other filthy rich individuals, as well as corporations who don’t pay a single dime in tax dollars, or actually harm our environment and/or health (just look at who voted against the health reform and who paid for their campaigns!). If you look at the officials who run the FDA, health departments, etc. and who sponsor their campaigns, namely Pfizer and Eli Lilly, just to name two, you’ll realize that your truths may need a major revamp.
Yes, Obama is also one of these officials. He and Hillary Clinton took huge amounts of campaign money from corporations that contribute to everything that is wrong with us as a nation. You scream about taxation and how the liberals and lefties will kill this country, while you fail to see that the “taxation” you are going on about stems from major corporations paying ZERO dollars in income tax. See, the small business owner is put out of business by the Walmarts of this world; and guess how much these corporations, including Yahoo, Google, Microsoft, Pfizer, Facebook (geez, I could drag this list on forever), pay in taxes? ZERO! ZERO dollars!
But who brainwashed you into believing that you are doing the right thing by opposing equal pay, higher minimum wages, affordable health insurance, and all those other nasty social services that are being sold as communism and crap socialism? The very corporations who don’t pay a dime, outsource their jobs and rely on a dumbed down society that actively votes and fights AGAINST their own self interest. The very corporations who pay off the government officials in BOTH parties to turn their interests into laws. All the while, you are too busy fighting the opposite side to see that the entire government is corrupted and has very little of your interest in mind.
I realize that I have no power to change anyone. I realize that I piss people off and that they will argue that I am wrong. But I DO invite everyone to investigate, learn and be open, before you shut people like me down. I have no interest in convincing you. No one pays me, I make no money off of sponsoring electric cars, organic food, equal rights and affordable health insurance. I do, however, want a better life for everyone and a society that gives a shit about each other. I want happiness and freedom for everyone and I have no problem paying my share for it.
I have no children, so technically, I don’t have to give a damn to what happens to this planet or country after I die. However, I have compassion and I want the world to be a better place. And making the world a better place starts with each and every one of us. In this spirit, go and inform yourself before you fight. Knowledge is power and the only way we can advance as a species.
Most of our senators, governors and officials are a bunch of corrupted, bought off douche bags. The few who want to make a difference don’t make it very far, because they don’t have the millions of campaign dollars needed to run for office or even get a vote. Inform yourself, instead of holding on to a belief!

“We are a country where everyone has rights, and no one has responsibilities.” I don’t want to be part of that, do you?

Religion – No Longer a Source of Faith and Community


I was raised protestant. Pretty much everyone in Germany is either protestant or catholic; after all, we have to get baptized, even though our parents never set foot into a church. In school, we start having religious studies from 1st grade on, all the way through graduation, including business school. You can’t opt out, unless you are not baptized (the horror!) and therefore are nondenominational. When I was 14 I went through confirmation; the equivalent to communion for the catholics. Of course,  I had to attend bible studies before my confirmation and the test at the end (remind me one day of how I embarrassed myself in church by accidentally naming Hitler instead of Jesus in response to the minister’s question!).

Why am I sharing this information? Well, because I really did spend more than 10 years being indoctrinated in Jesus and the bible. And while I don’t remember most of it, I remember the parts that count. I also have to say that I had an awesome minister who was honest enough to explain the difference between taking the bible literally and understanding the mere metaphors. He assured me that I wasn’t a bad person for not believing in the whole Adam and Eve bit. I remember when he once said to me “you have to remember that the people back then didn’t have scientific explanations for anything. But the Bible is meant as metaphor and guide on how to be a decent person; a blueprint for a good life if you will” This is what I took with me!

Interestingly enough, even though pretty much everyone was baptized and we all had religion in school and went through communion/confirmation, I would still label Germany a predominantly atheist country. There are certain things you do (like baptizing your children) because this is how our society works. But religion is not ever used in politics and does not feature in decisions of what makes you a good or bad person – and this is precisely the difference that I see between how I grew up and what I am seeing here. The lack of religion actually served in becoming a country with a much stronger socioeconomic system. It is expected that the richer help the poorer, the stronger help the weaker and that everyone is ENTITLED to free health care. Yep, all the principles taught in the bible are mostly demonstrated in countries that are predominantly atheist (look this up, if you don’t believe me).

Religion was part of my culture and yet, it was never an invasive, all consuming power like it is here. What is being said and done in the name of religion is shocking and appalling to me. The way people are trying to weasel “god” into government, law and every part of our society is truly disturbing, terrifying and threatening to me. If they would represent the values and teachings of their religion, I might actually understand. But when religion serves as a front to hate, discriminate, belittle and hurt other people, I am going to fight it. If you are telling me you are devout, while screaming to not support the lazy unemployed, screw people who can’t afford healthcare and gripping on to your wealth because people CHOOSE to be poor/are poor due to their own fault and choices, while demonstrating to take rights away from gay people and immigrants, then I’ll just hold on to insisting that I am German, even though I am an American now.

I keep wracking my brain how seemingly intelligent people fall for complete douche baggery. Sure, I understand that religion has long served as a means to build communities and create a sense of belonging. I understand that religion is even necessary for some, because they simply need a book of rules, a guide or moral compass that serves as the blueprint to how to live their lives. I have used my spirituality and beliefs I held in the past as my moral compass. Not because I couldn’t tell right from wrong, but because I wanted to believe that there is something bigger than me and that there is meaning to a life well lived. I understand how our brains are actually hard-wired for spirituality! I simply don’t understand what happens afterwards. At what point do reason, logic and common sense just go bye-bye and we become complete jerks? And being true to myself, I researched this in detail!

The common denominator with almost all religions is the sense of superiority it delivers. It promises salvation and rewards to those who believe the way they are told, which is where the “my god is better than yours” comes in. You play into people’s sense of purpose and feeling special or better than others and quite often, you have them roped in. Ego and religion often go hand in hand. And sadly, those who are in it to simply be better people are getting drowned out by the fanatical nutjobs who make the most noise and hence, give a false representation of what a certain religion is about. These points are very well demonstrated in Christian splinter groups, Scientology and the Islam.

What makes me so sad and what’s so disappointing is that people don’t really live what they preach. These days, all kinds of crimes are being committed in the name of Jesus and Allah. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that people are hating in the name of god, or the fact that they blatantly misinterpret and abuse scripture that was meant to serve as a guide to help, heal and love. The values that are taught in regards to love, compassion and kindness have been replaced with agendas, power displays, hate and bigotry.

The fact that it seems almost normal and accepted now to force religion into law and schools is seriously worrisome for me. If you want your child to be raised with religious values, send them to a private religious school and pay for it. But don’t force your belief on the rest, claiming you know what is best! I find that so truly offensive! What ever gave you the right to force what YOU believe on the rest of the world?

People! This country is still founded on the freedom of religion AND separation of church and state. There is a reason for this. Maybe, you could “convert” people by demonstrating what an amazingly loving and morally superior person you are. Maybe, if you’d live the values, more people would literally flock to your church, instead of turning away from it. Maybe if you’d stop with the fear mongering, hate speech and attacks on everyone and everything  that isn’t like you, people would be intrigued, instead of disgusted and put off.

When I see gay bashing, funerals being picketed and laws are attempted to being passed that would allow to make some people more equal than others, when I live in the supposed land of the free and equal, when I see that it is accepted and supported that some people are violated in their rights in the name of a supposed god, I just hang my head in shame and stand over on the other side – with the atheists! If being a believer now means being lumped in with a bunch of crazy, mean-spirited jerks and bullies, I’ll rather stick with the science folks!

To All Women – Love Yourself!














This is me.  I am 44 1/2 years old. I do yoga whenever I can and I think I may have discovered a love for hiking. I have Fibromyalgia, which makes hardcore workouts very difficult, as my body is in constant pain – unless I drastically increase the dose for the meds I am on. Cause of the FM is that I suffer from PTSD, which means I have to keep my stress levels at a minimum; this is hard to do, given that my normal cortisol output is always elevated. I literally run higher strung than normal people; and  that sucks.

I am fighting genes. High blood pressure, obesity, high cholesterol, diabetes, gastritis and pancreatitis run in my family; the latter killed my mother when she was 48 years old. It almost killed my sister three years ago. I have managed to avoid these issues with a fairly healthy diet and exercise.  I quit smoking a few years ago, I don’t really drink and I was never one for drugs.

I work a corporate job and I’ll leave it at that. The point here is that I have a full-time career, which sometimes demands more and sometimes less.

Why am I telling you this? Because I am trying to make a point. When I look at myself, I see the average woman. I have a career, I pay my bills, sure, I sport some tattoos and spiky hair, but otherwise I am just doing what all of us are doing – trying to do the best I can. I live my life with a high level of integrity, honesty and decency, but I don’t have the perfect body; and I have been rejected for that in the past.

I have struggled my entire life to gain acceptance from a society that favors unrealistic expectations of how a woman should look like; not just from a weight perspective, but on all levels imaginable. I spent thousands of dollars on diets, personal trainers, workout equipment, fitness club memberships and therapy. At the ripe age of 40 I started to actually love and accept myself. Does that mean I gave up and simply said “screw it?” No, it doesn’t mean that. I am still dragging my butt into yoga, even when I hurt and when my vinyasas are painful and I have to take breaks. I try and keep striving to be healthy, strong and fit and trust me, none of this comes natural to me. It has been a struggle my entire life – and yes, I was the fat kid in school they made fun of. Yes, I do have struggled with body image and weight issues my entire life.

It took so many years to finally love myself. And talking to my fellow sisters, they all have struggled with this at some point; some of them still do. The older we get, the harder it is to be desirable when you live in a society that bought some notion of eternal youth and beauty, sold by the images of movie stars – who couldn’t be further away from the “real” world if they tried; models – who are less than 1% of the population, or porn stars – who hardly describe how the average woman looks, feels, works and operates.
Imagine if all men would have to look like Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt or Bradley Cooper, just to name a few. Imagine if we’d expect our men to have an average penis size of at least <–insert porn star penis size here, and imagine how it would be like if we’d expect our men to look like a Calvin Klein model or Chris Hemsworth. I don’t know any woman who has these unreasonable expectations – myself included!

However, having to look like some barbie/model/movie star is something that gets imposed on us women all the time. Men are not as forgiving when it comes to our flaws. It is normal for a guy in his 50s to date a girl in her 20s and it often feels like “game over” when you are an average woman in her 40s or 50s. Make that double hard when you have the average body; or worse, when you don’t (unless you are super thin)!

So, here I stand – the whole 5’3″ with hips, thighs, belly, chest and all, letting you know that beauty is not just external. Beauty comes in other sizes but 0 and 1. I stand here saying that I don’t need to look or behave like a porn star to be sexy. I do not need to have the body of an actress or model to be beautiful. I am these things by the very nature of my being – my actions, thoughts and words.

Beauty and sex appeal lie within the way we move, hold our head high, carry ourselves, walk, talk, think and behave. These traits are held within the wisdom we share, the knowledge we have and the confidence that we acquire by the time we become real women. We may not have the perfect body (anymore), but we know how to love, share, give, receive and we are better lovers because of it. We don’t need your money and we don’t need you to take care of us. We have the freedom to invite you into our lives because we want you there, not because we need you there.

Women – with great power comes great responsibility. Our responsibility is to celebrate and love ourselves, even when society tries to tell us that we are never quite good enough. We are/you are beautiful and enough! So, here it is, a big hooray for T&A! 😉