Why It Truly Doesn’t Matter

Love

I’ve noticed an interesting pattern with myself and many people that I know. It’s the pattern of assigning meaning to the things we should, in fact, ignore. 

Ever notice how we tend to look at our successes with an almost shoulder-shrugging, disconnected and strangely indifferent attitude, while we take rejection to a whole new level of cray cray? When I take stock of my life on a logical level, I’d have to see that my wins clearly outnumber my failures, and yet, I still often find myself measuring myself by the times I experienced rejection, loss or defeat. My brain seems to have an uncanny ability to zoom right in on the negative, mourning the loss of an opportunity or relationship, while it quite deliberately ignores the greatness I achieve/have achieved.

Somehow, I assign great meaning to rejection. Being turned down for a job, promotion or by a guy suddenly means that I am maybe insufficient, not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough or otherwise simply undesirable. This is the great lie I was lead to believe a long time ago. And yes, it is a lie. Let me tell you why it is important to choose the right perspective and how to go about it.

Beating yourself up and blaming yourself for what someone else chose and did is the most hurtful thing you can do to yourself. The truth is that people do, think and say whatever they want and there is nothing you can do about it. You don’t have control over another’s actions; you only have control over your own actions and perspectives. Yes, if certain situations keep repeating, you may want to evaluate why you choose people who treat you a certain way, but to believe that their actions reflect on who you are in any way, shape or form is simply toxic; and again, not even true.

In the past, when a guy rejected me I’d make it about me being not good enough. But what if it merely means that they are not the one I want!? Why would I want anyone who doesn’t clearly see me? To quote one of my Besties, “you are one of a kind. Anyone who does not recognize that isn’t worth it.” I thought about this statement long and hard and realized that I truly had it backwards.

When I would meet someone that I liked and they didn’t like me back, I’d go back in my mind and have the conversation of “If I would only not have said/done this or that, and done/said such and such instead.” I am sure many can relate to that. And yet, this is the very thought process we should reject. Why in the world would anyone even do who requires censoring? Why would we blame ourselves readily, instead of standing proudly in who we truly are? Why would I beat myself up over being too intense, when I know that there is someone out there who’d look at my intensity with a great big grin and a “whoohoo!” Why do we assume that this one person, who usually knows nothing about us, is more valuable than the ones who love and like us precisely for the things that truly make us the unique people we are?

Yes, being rejected is uncomfortable. I think it’s human to respond with an initial knee jerk reaction of “ack,” and feeling sad. But in the great big scheme of life it truly doesn’t matter. So I got rejected? Next! All rejection means is that I am still available for the awesome person who thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread. Because I want the man who looks at me and thinks “HELL YES!”.

Sometimes people look great on the surface and sometimes we may project what we want into them, but the truth is that nothing feels quite like the true, authentic click and spark that happens when you meet your true match. If I have to censor who I am, what I say, how I look and what I stand for, I am not with the one; it’s as simple and honest as that. True connection is not built on superficial attraction and projection of what we want to see and would like to have. True connection is built on trust in knowing that you are safe being yourself, and admired, wanted and loved for just that. So don’t attach meaning to someone rejecting you. Instead, realize that your “whoohoo” is still about to happen, because that is what you want and deserve anyway.

The key is knowing that what you truly deserve and want is, in fact, possible. It’s the how and when you gotta let go. Lightning could strike tomorrow – in the most unexpected ways and places and everything around it will fall into place, without you censoring who you are.


Love, Dove, Schmove, Pove

love-sove

 

It’s the most complicated emotion we can feel and yet, I find it the most important one. What would I be without the ability to love? What would the world be like without love?

I am not an expert. But I have learned some valuable lessons along the way that taught me the difference between infatuation, lust and love. I think, like most people, I had it wrong. I think that I fell for the Hollywood bullshit version of “love at first sight” and “falling head over heels.” I mistook strange obsession and unhealthy attachment, fear and adrenaline rush for love. I also mistook an old, and yet familiar feeling of having to prove my worth and value, for love. And hence, love was eluding me and was all but a fleeting and painful emotion I often wished I never felt at all.

I learned love from my friends. Yes, not from romance, not from movies but my friends. I learned what love truly was when I realized how I felt when someone truly, compassionately and honestly cared for me and valued me. I realized, if I ever was going to feel that strongly for a man AND had chemistry with him, I’d be set (provided he felt the same in return, of course).

But as we humans are, we make it complex. We want the whole package, as is sold to us by media and entertainment. The whole shabang, including the crazy obsession and the endless what ifs, fear and excitement, we so easily mistake for being in love. We are so confused and unable to form true and lasting bonds that we consistently feel disconnected, alone and unloved. And when we meet people who do not ignite the proverbial spark, we dismiss them as not the one, even though the spark is based on superficial and exterior things.

Love, as defined by psychology and as I see it, is a mutual admiration, respect, compassion, intimacy, care and commitment to another. Yes, we have to be attracted and have chemistry/sexual compatibility, but I found that the big bang theory doesn’t hold up.

Maybe, the “bang” is the thing that happens when your admiration, care, compassion, intimacy and commitment to the other grows. Maybe, you just wake up one day and find that you truly cannot be without the other, because they do make you a much better person and life without them, while possible, actually sucks. Maybe it truly is that thing where you grow closer, versus further apart as the time passes and you truly get enveloped within their whole essence and being – by choice, not by obsession.

I think my understanding of love is more of a bond than just a need. As I grow older I am changing, evolving and learning. My paradigms are shifting and so is my outlook on what I deemed once important, attractive, desirable and necessary. I think it’s all changing for the good. I feel calmer, even though my life is less exciting one could argue.

These days I believe more and doubt less. I don’t pick things apart, I don’t dissect them the way I used to and I don’t think them to death. It’s more quiet and there is no adrenaline rush. Crazy has left the building and for that I am super thankful.

And on that note, here is the latest TUT – A Note from the Universe:
“Fret not, Carmen. Time is on your side.
So are all the angels.
And “no” is never forever.
Yes, now, thank you –
The Universe”