Dear Love,

Today I’m here to tell you that I love you, deeply and truly! You need to know this, because I’ve noticed that you are doing it again. You are doubting, feeling down and worse, you let the fear reign again.

Sweety, you are OK! It’s OK to still go through this. You’ve been trying, I know. You’ve been meditating, visualizing and you’ve purged so much. But, Darling, it takes time. Be patient, I swear it will work out. It always does, remember!?

I know you want to cite past experiences, situations and people, but they don’t matter. You are in the now, now! When you visualize, you’re creating memories from your future. I know that you still struggle with the self-love bit. I know you still sometimes cry when you are asked to visualize that; that’s ok. Because I’ve also noticed how often you laugh now; and how much joy and bliss you’ve experienced as of late.

See, you ARE holding the good thoughts much longer now. You haven’t given up. No, not you, my sweet little fighter. You defiantly wipe away those tears and try again. And that’s why it’ll work out. Your life is amazing, you are loved by so many, go and love yourself like they do. You can. Your light has been shining like a giant beacon. Look around at all these new faces in your life. They all have one thing in common – they smile at you. See, now you are drawing those who not only see you for who you are, but love you because of it. Let’s not disappoint them, by making their love and light meaningless, when we proclaim, if even in the smallest voice, doubts about that offering.

You are the light. You are magnificent and amazing in every way, because of who you are. So, listen well, sweet warrior goddess, I love you. Always and forever.

Love and Light,

Your Higher Self


The Warrior Goddess

Now that it’s still enough, I can actually hear my heart again.

It’s been two years of agonizing heart break for me, desperately trying to put myself back together; and failing quite spectacularly. I guess I’m a great runner. It’s quite astounding how fast I can run and how numb I can go. Here I was thinking that my heart was aching, when the complete lack of tears should have given away how closed off I truly was. But nothing like my old companion of fibromyalgia to remind me again that shutting off one’s heart always lends a great hand to my mind to make the pain a physical reality.  Shut down by pain and fear I had buried myself in my cave, unwilling and unable to come back out. I rarely felt so dead in my life. And then back comes “the other one.”

I guess when all is said and done I’ll always find the warrior goddess in me. The one who puts up one hell of a fight and lives, loves and experiences deeply, fiercely and without fear. There is a reason my mom affectionately called me “kleine Hexe,” German for little witch but in the sense of enchantress, powerful, wise, little one. See, when I was a girl I saw with such clarity; and then I grew up. I guess the world has a way to kill the magic right out of you.

Maybe one can say that I woke up again. It started about three months ago, after experiencing another disappointment, but suddenly thought loud and clear “ha! You know what time it is? It’s fuck this shit o’clock,” And off I went like a rocket.

I did it all at once: started yoga again, added Bikram, swimming, took a seminar “thoughts become things,” started meditating, visualizing and reading again. I’d sit visualizing, repeating the mantra “I don’t know how and when, but it will all work out, because I’m coming back into my power again.” I created a vision board; and I allowed all this stagnant energy to drain. I’d meditate and cry, because I couldn’t believe the messages; at first. But slowly my world started to change. With each moment, day and breath my vision board started to manifest. The images deeply carved into my subconscious mind took form. And then something else happened! My heart resuscitated.

I sit here now on an island, figuratively and literally speaking as I’m in Maui, all alone to celebrate my birthday and my rebirth. I am not quite used to be so open and raw, but how glorious it is to be so alive, to feel everything so vividly and strongly. The pain is getting purged. This poison that ran it all, my mind, body and heart is getting extracted with each passing day.

In a way I’m like the Phoenix; sometimes you gotta die in the fire so you can be reborn in the ashes. There is a small voice that whispers “Ah, but if you are open, you are vulnerable.” Is that so? Well, there will always be some voice that is going to whisper small, doubting and hurtful words. All I’ll do is tilt my head, ever so lightly, listen, acknowledge and then send it packing. Pain may be a part of life, but so is joy, wonder, amusement, ecstasy, happiness and love.

Thoughts become things. I’m going to give mine wings, strength, courage and power. I’ll keep looking at my board, visualize my new reality, put a stupid grin on my face and just for good measure dance naked through my living room to my own music and the beat of my own drum.

When you can remember the warrior and goddess within, manifesting seems such an easy task. Just rip out the sword and slash the shackles that bind you to pieces.

Thoughts become wings. Thoughts become things. Thoughts are reality manifesting right in front of you. So be mindful of every thought and moment, because you may have crashed but you can always soar again. Quitting and running is for losers, but not ever for warriors,


I’m Not Ready (Nor Will You Ever Be)

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Life is all about opportunities. It’s about chances and about not always knowing what will happen. Life happens, love happens and work happens and often, the best things happen in the most inopportune times. Grabbing the bull by the horns and ceasing the moment is the one thing that will make us stronger, help us learn and allows us to really learn from mistakes, as well as figure out what we truly want and need.

A huge copout I hear from people is “I am not ready.” Interestingly enough, when I look back on my life, I can honestly say that this is one of the few statements I’ve never made. Ready? Ready for what?

The thing is that each and everyone of us has issues, baggage, problems, flaws, things we battle and pasts we are dealing with. Every person has made mistakes, maybe some rather big ones, and maybe some smaller ones. No one is perfect; and that’s OK! Personally, I always felt that the strange idiosyncrasies and flaws people have often made them more beautiful, likable and lovable. The point is that, the older we get, the more we actually may shoulder in terms of how we feel and what we are battling. I’d like to believe that I am one of the people who consistently and steadily works on her stuff – sometimes more successfully than other times, but at least I am not giving up. However, I have yet to find the point where I can say “Yep! I am ready.” That thought honestly never comes to my mind. What ever life throws at me, I tend to be more in the “yay” mode than think “oh dear, what will I do now, because I am not ready.

I have come to believe that saying I’m not ready is a really bad excuse for saying I am too afraid to act. Maybe I didn’t want to act, or do what would bring me to the next level. Maybe I am lazy, maybe I am a procrastinator and maybe I don’t have the tools and don’t know how, so instead of acquiring them, I am just going to distract myself from the issue at hand and when life strikes, I’ll retreat into my shell and whine that I wasn’t ready.

I have found one thing to be true. I am never truly ready for the big stuff. But… I am willing to give it a shot. I am willing to acquire the tools I may still lack and I am willing to jump right in and make a decision. There is a cliff over there? Oh yay! Let me run right up and jump off of it!
To my surprise I generally found that I was perfectly able and in that sense ready to deal with whatever came my way. While I may have suffered set backs and heartbreak, I never really shied away from giving it my best and going for it. There is something truly empowering of being in the moment like that, even if it may lead to failure!

In my twenties I had an excellent therapist, Dr. Fulmer, who once told me that everything I do in life depends on only one thing – making a decision! The confusion, the fear, the stress and anxiety all stem from the simple inability or unwillingness to decide. Because when we decide, provided we are people with integrity, we actually have to DO something. We can no longer hide behind excuses and cliches like “I’m not ready.” When we say “yes” we have to do whatever it takes to support that decision and when we say “no” we also have to do what it takes to support that decision; and we forfeit the right to complain about a bad thing, if we are not willing to make the decision to leave it!

I believe that sometimes, based on the state of mind I am in, things might be challenging, difficult and seem impossible. But I’d also like to think that I am always ready. Not being ready is like hitting the lottery and keep on waiting for another ticket to win; meanwhile holding the first winning one in hand, unable to do anything with it.

With all of that, I’d like to now share this TED talk on vulnerability. I guess this demonstrates yet again that maybe, we didn’t think we were ready, but some of us are at least willing to still do, instead of claiming we’ve tried (which is the equivalent to really not doing anything).


Loyalty and Integrity – Two Lost Traits?


Recently my friend told me how her best friend of over 10 years not only betrayed her (in the most douche-baggish way one can think of), but then spent the past few months bad-mouthing her, befriending her friends and family on Facebook and even inviting them to her wedding. She also told me how she got rid of everyone who even remotely associates with this ex-best friend; and of course, how she had to explain to one of her family members why it is not OK, and why it hurts her, when the people who are supposed to be loyal to her, betray her by associating with someone who deeply wounded and betrayed her and now goes deliberately after her friends!

I hugged her and told her that none of it shocks me. I have been in this situation enough times and what always baffled me the most is that I had to explain it! I had to explain that I cannot call you a friend when you openly associate with those who harmed, hurt, betrayed and still bad-mouth me. I remember one such “friend” who justified her behavior with the following words “Not all of us are happily married. I need all the friends I can get.” Since then I have disassociated from all of those who are wishy-washy, fair-weather friends.

Both, my friend and I were born and raised in Germany. We come from a country where integrity and loyalty are valued considerably higher than in Los Angeles, where self-serving and superficial seems to be the norm quite often. When one we cared about was hurt, it was our duty to protect, support and care for them, until their heart was mended. If someone hurt your friend, they are hurting you! Done; end of story! It would have never occurred to us to hook up or associate with exes of any form; be it an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend or an ex-friend. I had one friend in particular, who would literally beat the hell out of anyone who was bad-mouthing me. I remember her walking up to one such ex-friend of mine, who was spreading rumors about me. My friend, Daniela, walked up to the chick in the middle of a club, while the chick was surrounded by her new friends. She grabbed her and told her “If you EVER as much as say another word about Carmen and I’ll find out about it, I’ll kick your friggin’ teeth in.” Said chick never said another word about me. The winner, I was not even there when it happened. To this day, the phrase “character pig” is one of the largest insults one can dish out in German.

This type of loyalty and integrity has been hard to come by here for us. It took me many years to find my true friends, of which I have less than a handful. Two of my closest friends are middle-Eastern and each one has battled the same issues I struggle with at some point or another here; even though one of them was born and raised here.

When you call people on their bad behaviors, they most often don’t own up to it. They don’t apologize, but instead justify and blame, then go behind your back. I remember calling one of my “friends” on publically insulting me, asking her why she would say such things. She got angry and told me to “f*** off,” and was never heard from again.
These days we don’t honestly talk to each other, we passively aggressively call names and then delete people from Facebook. Deleting has become the ultimate coward weapon to hide behind. And it is amongst my greatest pet peeves and biggest triggers for me. Some people just let it go, but to those of us who have been betrayed and abandoned by those who were supposed to protect us, care for us, love us or be our friends, this behavior continues to be detrimental to our well-being. Would it not be for tools I have learned from professionals, I would probably live a life filled with bitterness, anger, distrust and sadness. Alas, I have learned to deal with those of low character; they are no longer allowed in my life, period.

I don’t understand those who claim to care for you or even love you and then call you petty, controlling or unreasonable when you ask them to please not associate with those who have hurt you. It also baffles me when people tell me that I must be a very angry or bitter person, when I voice how confused, angry, hurt or offended I am by utter lack of integrity and loyalty; while the same people never seem to read or comment on any of my positive posts or words, which I spew much more often than sad, angry or negative ones these days.

Maybe because I don’t understand our world, which seems predominantly populated by self-serving, superficial cowards, who’d leave your butt in a heart-beat, if you as much as mutter any words that hold them accountable. I still feel puzzled by these behaviors, enough so to keep thinking out loud, questioning and getting it out of my system.

I used to feel very alone and isolated when I was younger. These days I am proud to be who I am and happy that I have found and keep finding those who are on the same page, have the same goals and abide to the same honor system. It makes it all worth-while and it puts things in perspective. After all, there is nothing more rewarding than finding that a seemingly useless fight you are fighting is, in fact, fought by quite a few others. Strength might be in numbers, but foremost it is in doing the right thing, no matter how hard it is. Strength comes in the satisfaction of living one’s life to the fullest; living it with integrity, decency and honor. There is more satisfaction in quality than in quantity. True love for oneself can only arise when we are able to look at ourselves in the mirror, knowing that we are a truly good and decent person; namely one others are happy and proud to know. Because this is when we start affecting others with light, instead of infecting them with neediness, drama and darkness. Hence, we draw what we truly want and desire in life. Strength and happiness come from courageously standing consistently in strong character, no matter what life or people throw at you and to get back up when the same individuals knock you down temporarily.


10 Most Desirable Traits in Human Beings

Here is a blog I wrote for CaliforniaPsychics. The link is here: http://blog.californiapsychics.com/blog/2011/01/10-most-desirable-traits-in-human-beings.html/

No one is free of flaws and quirks. But there are ten personality/character traits that attract the right people and circumstances into one’s life. One could say that these are the character traits of highly successful people.

1. Integrity

The true definition of integrity comes from the Latin word integritas, which means “whole” or “intact.” It encumbers all the traits that make a truly “good” person, such as honesty, being incorruptible, straight and morally upright.

A person with integrity won’t lie, will keep their word and won’t screw you over. They won’t go behind your back, badmouth you, go after another person’s partner or cheat on you, and they adhere to a code of ethics that may make them predictable, but safe to the heart and one’s sanity. No unpleasant surprises come from someone with a high sense of integrity. They follow a code of ethics that tends to be, as the word suggests, incorruptible, and they adhere to principles of common decency.

2. Courageousness

Let’s face it, people. Who wants to be with a coward? Someone who can’t and won’t stand up for their own beliefs will definitely not stand up for you or anyone else. Courageousness may not seem like such a big deal to some, but upon examining history, one notices that cowards are not too different from criminals. Why? Because most atrocious crimes to mankind would not have succeeded had it not been for the silent bystanders and those who looked the other way. No courage usually also means no principles, which will make you expendable for the simple reason that a coward will only do the least effort required and will tug tail and run when true work is required.

3. Sense of Humor

Life has ups and downs. There will be good times, bad times, hard times and easy times. Everything is easier if one keeps a sense of humor, or at least surrounds oneself with those who have one. There is a reason that poll after poll shows that most people desire a sense of humor in their partners. I also feel that someone who makes me laugh most of the time will probably not make me cry too often either. For some odd reason, this equation works for me.

4. Intelligence, Education and Common Sense

I have met plenty of people in my life with high IQs and no common sense. My personal belief is that common sense, social intelligence and “street smarts” are pretty much the same. Being able to solve the most difficult mathematical problems won’t make anyone a great partner or friend, if they cannot hold a conversation, relate to other people at all and have zero social skills. Social skills or relating to others are abilities required to use common sense, which dictates what or what not to do or say in every day settings. Overall, I don’t think any further explanation is required when it comes to this point.

5. Emotionally Open

No one wants to be with someone who is so closed off that they can’t show the most “normal” emotions. If you have ever tried to be friends or have a relationship with someone who has the emotional depth of a rock, you’ll know what I mean. How would someone who has a hard time feeling, or showing feelings, relate to you? I feel that the happy medium is our friend here. There is a difference between someone who is so closed off that they just look at you blankly, or worse, scold you or put you down when you’re feeling sad or miserable, and then there are those who break down as soon as someone looks at them the wrong way. Being able to share one’s heart doesn’t mean that one has to be a weakling or whiner. Someone who can’t feel is usually damaged goods, and lack of depth in emotional matters usually translates into lack of depth in other matters!

6. Kindness

Kindness protects you from all kinds of heart-aches. Kindness is like integrity. A person who possesses kindness will usually keep your heart safe and your best interests in mind. Their willingness to help others also translates into someone who knows how to put another’s needs ahead of their own when needed. A kind person carries a light, and that light tends to attract other “good” people too.

7. Self-Confidence

Everyone is low on confidence now and then. But stay clear of those with literally no self-esteem. A person without self-confidence/self-esteem spells disaster, because they will fail on numerous other “must-haves.” They are usually driven by self-preservation, and will do almost anything to overcome their feelings of inadequacy. This can make them psychotic and distrusting, and possibly even make them into stalkers. Which, in return, almost always ensures dishonesty, a closed heart/inability to truly feel and experience love and joy, a lack of integrity and definitely no courage. They’re usually a bucket with a huge hole in the bottom. No matter how much love and care one will pour into them, it will never be enough to make them feel safe, loved or good enough. After all, it’s impossible to love and care for someone who doesn’t love and care for themselves!

8. Discipline

There are different levels of discipline, that’s for sure. But avoid those who have absolutely no discipline at all. It requires discipline to succeed in life. Anyone who throws in the towel at the first sign of difficulty or opposition will not make a great long-term companion. This is because discipline translates into stamina, i.e. staying power. A person who can’t stick with anything for a longer period of time because it’s uncomfortable or means work is, again, someone who is either not confident or lazy. In either scenario, it’s not going to be a winning situation for you, because if they can’t stick with their own goals, they won’t stick with you either.

9. Generosity

One of the worst people to have in one’s life is a miser. Those who constantly complain about the money they don’t have, especially while spending it on things that don’t serve them, are not only annoying, but also no fun to have around. The opposite of generous is selfish, and who wants to be with a selfish person? Being miserly also tends to show individuals who are very preoccupied with material, i.e. superficial things. Combine that with the constant complaint about not having enough, and you’ll get a good picture of how life with someone who can’t be generous looks like.

10. Self-Awareness

I can’t stress the importance of self-awareness enough. Most people believe themselves to be all kinds of things which they are not. This is due to the fact that they aren’t really all that self-aware, and hence don’t ever check to see if their idea of who they are actually coincides with what other people see about them. Self-awareness is the fine middle ground of truly knowing your strengths and weaknesses without being either completely weak and self-loathing, or arrogant and narcissistic. Self-awareness allows us to know when we are way off our rocker. It allows us to see when we are wrong/screwed up and need to possibly adjust or change certain behaviors and patterns. Self-awareness allows us to look in the mirror and see who we really are; not who we think we are or hoped we were. People without self-awareness cannot grow, because they will never learn from past mistakes. They are literally blind and lost souls, stumbling after what looks and sounds the most appealing. Without self-awareness there is no truth, just illusion; and a perpetual cycle of trying to find what they think will make them happy. If you don’t know who you are, you sure as hell won’t know what makes you happy.

If you cannot be these things yourself, you probably won’t attract them in others. While we will always attract those who challenge us, and may push us to grow and overcome certain things, we still attract those who are like us. The key to finding one’s own happiness is to be the things that you require and wish for in another.