Why It Truly Doesn’t Matter


I’ve noticed an interesting pattern with myself and many people that I know. It’s the pattern of assigning meaning to the things we should, in fact, ignore. 

Ever notice how we tend to look at our successes with an almost shoulder-shrugging, disconnected and strangely indifferent attitude, while we take rejection to a whole new level of cray cray? When I take stock of my life on a logical level, I’d have to see that my wins clearly outnumber my failures, and yet, I still often find myself measuring myself by the times I experienced rejection, loss or defeat. My brain seems to have an uncanny ability to zoom right in on the negative, mourning the loss of an opportunity or relationship, while it quite deliberately ignores the greatness I achieve/have achieved.

Somehow, I assign great meaning to rejection. Being turned down for a job, promotion or by a guy suddenly means that I am maybe insufficient, not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough or otherwise simply undesirable. This is the great lie I was lead to believe a long time ago. And yes, it is a lie. Let me tell you why it is important to choose the right perspective and how to go about it.

Beating yourself up and blaming yourself for what someone else chose and did is the most hurtful thing you can do to yourself. The truth is that people do, think and say whatever they want and there is nothing you can do about it. You don’t have control over another’s actions; you only have control over your own actions and perspectives. Yes, if certain situations keep repeating, you may want to evaluate why you choose people who treat you a certain way, but to believe that their actions reflect on who you are in any way, shape or form is simply toxic; and again, not even true.

In the past, when a guy rejected me I’d make it about me being not good enough. But what if it merely means that they are not the one I want!? Why would I want anyone who doesn’t clearly see me? To quote one of my Besties, “you are one of a kind. Anyone who does not recognize that isn’t worth it.” I thought about this statement long and hard and realized that I truly had it backwards.

When I would meet someone that I liked and they didn’t like me back, I’d go back in my mind and have the conversation of “If I would only not have said/done this or that, and done/said such and such instead.” I am sure many can relate to that. And yet, this is the very thought process we should reject. Why in the world would anyone even do who requires censoring? Why would we blame ourselves readily, instead of standing proudly in who we truly are? Why would I beat myself up over being too intense, when I know that there is someone out there who’d look at my intensity with a great big grin and a “whoohoo!” Why do we assume that this one person, who usually knows nothing about us, is more valuable than the ones who love and like us precisely for the things that truly make us the unique people we are?

Yes, being rejected is uncomfortable. I think it’s human to respond with an initial knee jerk reaction of “ack,” and feeling sad. But in the great big scheme of life it truly doesn’t matter. So I got rejected? Next! All rejection means is that I am still available for the awesome person who thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread. Because I want the man who looks at me and thinks “HELL YES!”.

Sometimes people look great on the surface and sometimes we may project what we want into them, but the truth is that nothing feels quite like the true, authentic click and spark that happens when you meet your true match. If I have to censor who I am, what I say, how I look and what I stand for, I am not with the one; it’s as simple and honest as that. True connection is not built on superficial attraction and projection of what we want to see and would like to have. True connection is built on trust in knowing that you are safe being yourself, and admired, wanted and loved for just that. So don’t attach meaning to someone rejecting you. Instead, realize that your “whoohoo” is still about to happen, because that is what you want and deserve anyway.

The key is knowing that what you truly deserve and want is, in fact, possible. It’s the how and when you gotta let go. Lightning could strike tomorrow – in the most unexpected ways and places and everything around it will fall into place, without you censoring who you are.

Dear Love,

Today I’m here to tell you that I love you, deeply and truly! You need to know this, because I’ve noticed that you are doing it again. You are doubting, feeling down and worse, you let the fear reign again.

Sweety, you are OK! It’s OK to still go through this. You’ve been trying, I know. You’ve been meditating, visualizing and you’ve purged so much. But, Darling, it takes time. Be patient, I swear it will work out. It always does, remember!?

I know you want to cite past experiences, situations and people, but they don’t matter. You are in the now, now! When you visualize, you’re creating memories from your future. I know that you still struggle with the self-love bit. I know you still sometimes cry when you are asked to visualize that; that’s ok. Because I’ve also noticed how often you laugh now; and how much joy and bliss you’ve experienced as of late.

See, you ARE holding the good thoughts much longer now. You haven’t given up. No, not you, my sweet little fighter. You defiantly wipe away those tears and try again. And that’s why it’ll work out. Your life is amazing, you are loved by so many, go and love yourself like they do. You can. Your light has been shining like a giant beacon. Look around at all these new faces in your life. They all have one thing in common – they smile at you. See, now you are drawing those who not only see you for who you are, but love you because of it. Let’s not disappoint them, by making their love and light meaningless, when we proclaim, if even in the smallest voice, doubts about that offering.

You are the light. You are magnificent and amazing in every way, because of who you are. So, listen well, sweet warrior goddess, I love you. Always and forever.

Love and Light,

Your Higher Self

The Warrior Goddess

Now that it’s still enough, I can actually hear my heart again.

It’s been two years of agonizing heart break for me, desperately trying to put myself back together; and failing quite spectacularly. I guess I’m a great runner. It’s quite astounding how fast I can run and how numb I can go. Here I was thinking that my heart was aching, when the complete lack of tears should have given away how closed off I truly was. But nothing like my old companion of fibromyalgia to remind me again that shutting off one’s heart always lends a great hand to my mind to make the pain a physical reality.  Shut down by pain and fear I had buried myself in my cave, unwilling and unable to come back out. I rarely felt so dead in my life. And then back comes “the other one.”

I guess when all is said and done I’ll always find the warrior goddess in me. The one who puts up one hell of a fight and lives, loves and experiences deeply, fiercely and without fear. There is a reason my mom affectionately called me “kleine Hexe,” German for little witch but in the sense of enchantress, powerful, wise, little one. See, when I was a girl I saw with such clarity; and then I grew up. I guess the world has a way to kill the magic right out of you.

Maybe one can say that I woke up again. It started about three months ago, after experiencing another disappointment, but suddenly thought loud and clear “ha! You know what time it is? It’s fuck this shit o’clock,” And off I went like a rocket.

I did it all at once: started yoga again, added Bikram, swimming, took a seminar “thoughts become things,” started meditating, visualizing and reading again. I’d sit visualizing, repeating the mantra “I don’t know how and when, but it will all work out, because I’m coming back into my power again.” I created a vision board; and I allowed all this stagnant energy to drain. I’d meditate and cry, because I couldn’t believe the messages; at first. But slowly my world started to change. With each moment, day and breath my vision board started to manifest. The images deeply carved into my subconscious mind took form. And then something else happened! My heart resuscitated.

I sit here now on an island, figuratively and literally speaking as I’m in Maui, all alone to celebrate my birthday and my rebirth. I am not quite used to be so open and raw, but how glorious it is to be so alive, to feel everything so vividly and strongly. The pain is getting purged. This poison that ran it all, my mind, body and heart is getting extracted with each passing day.

In a way I’m like the Phoenix; sometimes you gotta die in the fire so you can be reborn in the ashes. There is a small voice that whispers “Ah, but if you are open, you are vulnerable.” Is that so? Well, there will always be some voice that is going to whisper small, doubting and hurtful words. All I’ll do is tilt my head, ever so lightly, listen, acknowledge and then send it packing. Pain may be a part of life, but so is joy, wonder, amusement, ecstasy, happiness and love.

Thoughts become things. I’m going to give mine wings, strength, courage and power. I’ll keep looking at my board, visualize my new reality, put a stupid grin on my face and just for good measure dance naked through my living room to my own music and the beat of my own drum.

When you can remember the warrior and goddess within, manifesting seems such an easy task. Just rip out the sword and slash the shackles that bind you to pieces.

Thoughts become wings. Thoughts become things. Thoughts are reality manifesting right in front of you. So be mindful of every thought and moment, because you may have crashed but you can always soar again. Quitting and running is for losers, but not ever for warriors,

Rejection – Part II


Having talked yesterday about rejection being a good thing, because we generally have something/someone better waiting for us, I’d like to talk today about the deserved rejection we get when we stubbornly refuse to learn a lesson. However, make no mistake, even when rejection occurs due to our own actions, it is still a good thing and here is why.

As previously stated, I do believe that we always get exactly what we are asking for. Remember, thoughts DO become things. However, this very process spells out disaster for all of those who have low/no self-confidence, are broken, haven’t done any soul searching and just allow their fears to run rampant. Again, in order to keep it real, I will use myself as the example, to demonstrate how sometimes we are our own worst enemy.

I am an extremist. I don’t do moderation well, so when I choose to engage in anything, be it a sport, a certain look, getting a tattoo, liking or disliking someone, or a job and loving or hating, I do so 200%, all the way, with nothing left in the middle.This extreme way of being sometimes works extraordinarily well; especially in my career. My passion about always doing the right thing, no matter what, works great in an environment where I am catching bad people and attempt to stop them from doing bad things to others. However, when I take this passion of mine and apply it randomly to everything in my life, I often end up creating situations I didn’t quite hope for. To say it bluntly, I can be a tornado, that comes in, swirls and twists and runs over everything in its path. I suffer from eternal diarrhea of the mouth and instead of measured and well thought out responses, I just say and do whatever seems like a good idea at the time. Don’t get me wrong, there is beauty in my honesty, but there is no beauty in putting someone on the spot, expecting them to work, think or feel as fast as I do. Moderation is the better way and while I’ve been working hard on being better in that department, I still fail at times.

So when I think of some of the times I have been rejected, I can clearly see that the outcome may have been in my favor, had I only slowed down and presented my thoughts and feelings honestly, but not forcefully. My highly analytical mind has done a great job in understanding that sometimes, well, I created my own disappointment. It also made me realize that my approach needs some tweaking and that altering a behavior does not mean you are doing so, because “no one accepts you the way you are,” but because you want to be the best you can be and create space for only the best people to come in. Being imbalanced will rarely bring in the highest caliber of situations and people. This is the absolute of the law of attraction. Like-minded energy attracts each other.

I often cursed those experiences that left me heartbroken and shattered, but only in the moment. In hindsight, the sum of my experiences made me the person that I am. It allowed me to clearly figure out not only who I really am, but what I really need and want in my life. It allowed me to create, manifest and visualize the things that make me happy, even though this process is hard work. It requires brutal honesty with oneself and absolute authenticity in all your ways of being. It means that you have to be vigilant, about each and every word, thought and feeling you have and extend into the world, and understand how they actually shape your reality. Happiness requires accountability, never blame and finger pointing. 

Which brings me to my last piece of advice, which I am going to give straight from my heart: Don’t ever, ever roll your past into the present or future! Yes, we create, map and draw into existence based on the things we know, but if you are not sure if what you know is enough, watch those who are doing it right, or get help from an expert. Find someone who can help you keeping it real. Someone who will honestly tell you if you are “doing it again,” whatever the false and destructive feeling and thought may be that compels you to potentially make another stupid mistake.

Don’t punish, project and accuse people of things someone else has done before, therefore pushing away the ones who should be in your life. Each day and each experience is new and offers a completely blank canvas and clean slate. The past served its purpose in making you the person that you are today; and this is where it ends. Now go into the world and land that amazing new job, start that new project and if you are single, find the person who takes your breath away and helps you evolve into the person you are meant to be, allowing you to live  an absolute extraordinary life.

Why You Should Jump For Joy When You Are Rejected



Most of my life I used to be one of the people who would feel terribly sad when someone rejected me. It didn’t matter if it was in jobs, friendships or relationships, rejection was always a huge slap in the face. I’d take it personal and wonder what I did, or why I wasn’t good enough. It never occurred to me that maybe rejection is the best thing that could have happened to me. It also didn’t occur to me that what I think I wanted or needed so badly was, in fact, the worst that could have been.

There is a whole story behind being a victim of “I never get what I want.” The truth is, that we generally get exactly what we want and just ignore the fact that we managed to manipulate ourselves into thinking that this is the best we can do. It doesn’t matter if we span this construct over jobs, friends or relationships. I’d like to use the relationship example!

Remember the time when you first met that person that ended up cheating on you, hurting you, letting you down, leaving you or otherwise wrong you? Remember how great they looked on paper, how much you lusted after them, or simply projected whatever you wanted to see, therefore happily ignoring all the red flags he/she threw up way before it got too serious or too emotionally charged for you to walk away. We do a fine job in looking the other way when we really want something or someone, or have a wrong sense of loyalty attached to those who don’t deserve it. We are also not very honest in that process. We are, however, amazing in crying over the fact that we attracted, yet again, another person who wasn’t “the one.”

I’m going to make it a bit personal for a moment. I look back on the relationships that seriously failed; meaning, I got my heart shredded into pieces, to the point where I thought I could never repair it again. Each and every time, I knew from the beginning that this is going to end in severe tragedy. I could tell he was <—insert deal breaker here, and deliberately ignored it. I would reason with myself by saying that I had not enough information, that I may be wrong, that I may have misinterpreted the words and actions and the worst of all, that he may change (his mind/being). I stubbornly ignored all signs, including those that would have made it abundantly clear that this isn’t the person I should be with. See, they remained exactly who they were the entire time, it was I who wanted more respect, love or care than they could have ever given me to begin with.

Now, looking back on my own behavior, I can say that being rejected or treated in ways that were hurtful or unkind, was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The thing is that the jobs and people I lost were always replaced with much better situations, provided I didn’t go and do the same mistake again! If I would have stood firmly in what I believe, who I am, what I want and what I need, I would have gotten that. Instead, I settled because of a deep rooted belief that maybe this is as good as it gets, or maybe that I owed them love, help or care. It never even occurred to me that not having them in my life was much better than being miserable and having to censor myself around them all the time.

I pay a lot of attention these days. Not to what someone is doing, but to how I am feeling. My gut is a great guide and much better advisor than my emotions or my head. I find that I, and my friends, all talk too much. Round and round we go in circles why this situation is so frustrating and below us, all the while doing absolutely nothing. I am becoming a doer more and more. I don’t analyze anymore why this and that is off, or why I liked someone or a situation that clearly spells out disaster, I just acknowledge it and do my best to walk away before it becomes an issue. Notice that it doesn’t even have to be a disaster, maybe it’s simply not what you want. Settling is also not our friend.

I realize that the same person has made an appearance in my life over and over, showing up as a boss, co-worker, friend or partner. It is the egotistical, narcissistic, disloyal, severely damaged, dishonest with themselves and others, not-quite-able-to-feel-at-all type that neither loves me, nor nourishes or positively adds to my life type. The person that keeps leaving me drained, tired and questioning my very core of being. The type that lashes out, accuses me of stuff, ungrateful and entitled; the type who never changes, sometimes talks a whole lot or not at all, but never acts. The lazy type that tells everyone how self-aware they are, when they have no clue how they are affecting others, or who they really are, because actually standing in integrity would be way too much work for them. You know, this includes the finger pointers and eternal victims, who are never to blame for anything.

Here is what I do know. I know that I am lovable, deserving, successful, competent, sexy and awesome because I am who I am in its entirety. There is nothing wrong with me and it isn’t my job to figure out why I am not enough for some, or apparently, merely an ego booster or temporary distraction for others. It is my job to recognize when someone treats me in ways I don’t wish to be treated, continuously oversteps and ignores my boundaries, is talking behind my back, or deliberately uses or hurts me. It is then also my job to walk away, without the long diatribe about why they are asshats. It suffices to understand that they are not serving my greatest good and as such, are not suitable, or allowed to be a part of my life.

So, while I am still sometimes off, at least they are doing me a great service by walking away and/or rejecting me. Thank you! Thank you for saving me the time to find out the hard way that you are not it, or wasting years of my life with your BS. Thank you for understanding that you don’t belong into my life and chose to run for the hills. You think you can do better? Well, so do I! See you, never. With love.

Hookups Suck – Because You Are A Woman

despicable me minions













Last week I was lectured again about my “inability to just have fun and go with the flow.” The conclusion and supposed reason for my behavior was given in a voice that was slightly amused and belittling, “of course you feel that way. You are a woman.” I find this label not just annoying, but insulting. As if being a woman means something negative, or would take away from my strength, somehow make me weak or inferior. Your idea of fun and my idea of fun may vary monumentally. And my idea of fun is not simply getting laid; and here is why.

I am actually no different than most people in what I find attractive. I gravitate towards men who know the meaning of integrity, are smart, ambitious, funny, witty, decisive, confident and intuitive; intuitive enough to be self-aware, while understanding how his actions and words affect those around him. In order for me to be attracted enough to want to sleep with someone, I need to see traces of these traits. Simply put, a man who cannot stimulate my brain and parts of my heart won’t get into my pants either. Stop saying it’s because I am a woman!

Over my lifetime I have met both, men and women, that are wired just like me and some that are the exact opposite. Good for you if you can have casual sex and compartmentalize, but why do you assume or speak as if my way is inferior and a huge weakness? Is it a flaw to crave true, authentic bonds and experience intimacy first? Maybe I feel that jumping into bed with someone I’m not even comfortable enough spending a day with is shallow; but unlike you, I do not judge if that is what you want. Do what floats your boat and makes you happy. Trust me, it’s not because you are a man, or a woman wired like a man. What does that even mean? I crave connection, because it’s how I am built, end of story.

I have always found it dissatisfying to wake up next to someone I am not really close to. Trust me, I’ve tried it. I am human and got carried away for the illusion of closeness or a projection of what I needed to see on numerous occasions. Yes, sometimes I just wanted someone next to me. However, the outcome never changed. I felt empty, kind of skittish and couldn’t wait to get away. As a whole, I am sensitive, super sensitive even, and my heart is a fragile thing that requires tending to. I do not expect another to do that for me, but I do expect others to respect that bit about me. I don’t need to be ridiculed for it and told “you really need to loosen up and have some fun.” It isn’t fun to me to go through a motion. My body doesn’t respond too well if I am not connected. Quite on the contrary! I find it anxiety inducing and agonizing if I liked someone enough to sleep with them and didn’t know if he would want me back, or just used me to have some fun.

There are all these labels: serial dater, serial monogamist, super sensitive, too tense, too much, too intense, boring, too organized, not spontaneous enough, blah, blah, blah! Here is my answer: YAY FOR ME! If my inability to just hop into bed with someone, before I feel potential for something more makes me too predictable then I’d rather be predictable, boring and lame. If my willingness to spend months without a warm body, because I’m rather at home by myself and doing Netflix marathons, or traveling to an exciting destination (there is my idea of being spontaneous), takes away from the game, well, then I’ll rather not play. Having to be elusive, mysterious, hard to get and standoffish, while pretending to not be all that interested is too exhausting. If the idea of “going with the flow” means I am not “allowed” to plan anything, ask him out too soon (what is it again, a three day rule?), or god forbid, tell him how much I like him and how I’d love to date him exclusively, is cramping his style, then he is simply not right for me. I will not pretend to be something or someone I am not.

I happen to believe that our society’s inability to truly connect open and honestly, without filters, while putting ourselves fully out there, regardless of the outcome, is sad and disheartening. I don’t take pleasure in plastic and shallow and I surely will not play games. See, I happen to really like myself and dare I say, love myself enough to understand that who I am and what I am is just fine, including the fact that I am not mysterious or hard to get. The way I view the world and the people in it, along with my desire to leave this planet in a better state than the one I found it in, requires an equal, not just to recognize these qualities in me, but to find them attractive, lovable and desirable. I am not merely a walking vagina. Anyone who really thinks that the ability to manipulate certain parts of the anatomy and make them respond a certain way is awesome and his only strength is not someone I want to be with. I find a man who is able and willing to connect and feel much more intriguing and inspiring than the dude who can screw his way through hours of marathon sex, while priding himself on his ability to make a woman come.

Craving true and authentic connection and intimacy is what I want, who I am and choose to be. Stop telling me that it’s a bad thing. Why would I want mundane, when I can have extraordinary. So, I’m going to sit on my planet, knowing that I am fine just the way I am, because I am me, and not because I am a woman, not because I am weak, needy or boring. I am me, and while my heart may get broken and trampled on much more than those who can disconnect and compartmentalize, I’m still willing to keep putting myself out there and try again. It’s the idealist in me, you know?

I’m Not Ready (Nor Will You Ever Be)












Life is all about opportunities. It’s about chances and about not always knowing what will happen. Life happens, love happens and work happens and often, the best things happen in the most inopportune times. Grabbing the bull by the horns and ceasing the moment is the one thing that will make us stronger, help us learn and allows us to really learn from mistakes, as well as figure out what we truly want and need.

A huge copout I hear from people is “I am not ready.” Interestingly enough, when I look back on my life, I can honestly say that this is one of the few statements I’ve never made. Ready? Ready for what?

The thing is that each and everyone of us has issues, baggage, problems, flaws, things we battle and pasts we are dealing with. Every person has made mistakes, maybe some rather big ones, and maybe some smaller ones. No one is perfect; and that’s OK! Personally, I always felt that the strange idiosyncrasies and flaws people have often made them more beautiful, likable and lovable. The point is that, the older we get, the more we actually may shoulder in terms of how we feel and what we are battling. I’d like to believe that I am one of the people who consistently and steadily works on her stuff – sometimes more successfully than other times, but at least I am not giving up. However, I have yet to find the point where I can say “Yep! I am ready.” That thought honestly never comes to my mind. What ever life throws at me, I tend to be more in the “yay” mode than think “oh dear, what will I do now, because I am not ready.

I have come to believe that saying I’m not ready is a really bad excuse for saying I am too afraid to act. Maybe I didn’t want to act, or do what would bring me to the next level. Maybe I am lazy, maybe I am a procrastinator and maybe I don’t have the tools and don’t know how, so instead of acquiring them, I am just going to distract myself from the issue at hand and when life strikes, I’ll retreat into my shell and whine that I wasn’t ready.

I have found one thing to be true. I am never truly ready for the big stuff. But… I am willing to give it a shot. I am willing to acquire the tools I may still lack and I am willing to jump right in and make a decision. There is a cliff over there? Oh yay! Let me run right up and jump off of it!
To my surprise I generally found that I was perfectly able and in that sense ready to deal with whatever came my way. While I may have suffered set backs and heartbreak, I never really shied away from giving it my best and going for it. There is something truly empowering of being in the moment like that, even if it may lead to failure!

In my twenties I had an excellent therapist, Dr. Fulmer, who once told me that everything I do in life depends on only one thing – making a decision! The confusion, the fear, the stress and anxiety all stem from the simple inability or unwillingness to decide. Because when we decide, provided we are people with integrity, we actually have to DO something. We can no longer hide behind excuses and cliches like “I’m not ready.” When we say “yes” we have to do whatever it takes to support that decision and when we say “no” we also have to do what it takes to support that decision; and we forfeit the right to complain about a bad thing, if we are not willing to make the decision to leave it!

I believe that sometimes, based on the state of mind I am in, things might be challenging, difficult and seem impossible. But I’d also like to think that I am always ready. Not being ready is like hitting the lottery and keep on waiting for another ticket to win; meanwhile holding the first winning one in hand, unable to do anything with it.

With all of that, I’d like to now share this TED talk on vulnerability. I guess this demonstrates yet again that maybe, we didn’t think we were ready, but some of us are at least willing to still do, instead of claiming we’ve tried (which is the equivalent to really not doing anything).

The Abyss and Why I’m Still Alive














My entire life I’ve carried an image in my head; an image that very much represents the picture I have chosen above. I have always called it “the abyss,” and it represents life and death, sanity and insanity. I remember becoming aware of it the first time when I was in 3rd grade. But, before I continue, I want to make it clear that this isn’t a cry for help, because I feel suicidal and it isn’t a cry for attention either. I am writing this, because I know that there are other “abyss walkers” and I want to let them know that they are not alone and that you can somewhat live with this. Lastly, I’d like to extend a slight warning – the material is brutally honest and may even be uncomfortable for some.

How does one end up at the abyss? I don’t know about others, but I was dragged there by years of emotional, physical and sexual abuse that started when I was about 4 and ended when I was about 18. The trauma I experienced, due to the long period of time it occurred, caused my fibromyalgia, because my brain has “dialed up” all sensory perceptions to super high, at all times, and therefore misfires, interpreting nerve signals as pain and making any type of stimuli, like loud voices/music and sounds, as well as heat, cold or emotional responses stronger, amplifying them and often making them almost unbearable. The inability to no longer “dial it down” but being incapable of registering stress and hence, the ability to walk away or avoid, makes life as if I am living with a giant antenna on my head; one that never sleeps, never stops and has turned me into a recluse, who finds any type of prolonged interaction with most people painful, frustrating, overwhelming and difficult. But the physical, emotional and mental pain are not necessarily the ongoing building blocks to form the abyss; no, what causes the abyss is the overwhelming feeling of not belonging here, on this planet.

When one feels as deeply as I do, nothing is easy. When one lacks the ability to let go and stop “looping,” life becomes an ongoing cycle of torment, trying to stop it, then succumbing to it and starting all over again. Years of therapy and studies in philosophy, psychology and religion helped me get better, but my brain chemistry is permanently altered and trying to change it is what is so incredibly daunting and leaves me feeling defeated and exhausted.

My relationships have been predominantly bad. Not all of them, but the vast majority of them. Fear of intimacy, severe anxiety about being abandoned and the constant doubts I have in myself have been relationship killers. Nothing, though, beats the fact that I send out a signal, a very powerful one I might add, that keeps attracting men who actually confirm my deepest fears. I attract superficial men, who criticize my exterior, sometimes vocally, sometimes in a subtle, passive way, and/or find me otherwise inadequate. I attract commitment phobes, who cannot commit, don’t know what they want and are quick to leave or cheat. I attract a lot of selfish, cruel, severely damaged and cold-hearted men, who cannot feel and usually numb with alcohol, computer games, work, porn and other ways that keep them from truly connecting; men who mercilessly lash out and strike when I speak up or attempt to explain my feelings. Men who judge me worse than I could ever judge myself or others. I attract my father and I attract my mother’s boyfriends, over and over and over and over. So the majority of my life I have felt alone, lonely and abandoned, especially in my relationships. And this dance, this dance of attracting people who cannot love me, then push me away and lash out at me, as well as attracting the same type of selfish, backstabbing and unpredictable people in the companies I often work for, this is what pushes me closer to the abyss.

Everything I do, no matter when, where and how, is near the abyss. I walk as close to the wall as I can, carefully setting one foot ahead of the next, until I get pushed. Then I start slipping. I claw my way to the top again, then slip some more, feeling overwhelmed and rendered powerless when the feelings of inadequacy, self-loathing and fear wash over me. The feelings are so strong that all I can think of is dying, because I am not sure how much longer I can hold on and how much longer I can be the tower of strength the majority of people in my life believe me to be. The absolute fear of potentially being alone forever, because I cannot attract anyone who feels as deeply as I do, leaves me feeling with despair. Was I supposed to have children? Was I supposed to be alone? Maybe I should devote my life to helping others; but isn’t that what I am doing and have been doing anyway? Why are people so shallow, ignorant and selfish? Why…

I know that it is all about loving myself. It’s been a challenge but I don’t stop trying and going for it. I know that I can change the frequency, even though I have failed so far in doing just that. I have, however, deleted any and all dating profiles. My exterior, which misleads people into thinking that I am a wild, crazy party animal who also numbs (I’ve never gotten into drugs or alcohol) cannot be overwritten by a sincere and honest profile that no one reads. My pictures, my looks are misleading, not just in the dating arena, but in all other areas, too. When you live in a society that puts almost all stock in appearances only (the essence of California), it makes it hard for me and all of those who refuse to look mainstream to be “seen.” Why haven’t I simply “conformed” and blended in? Because this look started when I had no identity and had to protect myself from other predators, back when I was a teenager. Asking me to change my look is the same as asking a person with dark skin to be more white.

The abyss is a part of me. I have managed to stay more on the inside by the wall, and less by the edge that would make me fall. It has taught me to avoid severe danger of slipping, by not abusing substances or becoming addicted. The abyss also reminds me how far I have come and teaches me to not be selfish and exercise compassion. For were it not for said lack of selfishness and compassion, I would have jumped a long time ago, instead of keep on balancing, carefully, one foot in front of the other.

I sadly feel incredibly unloved, unwanted and misunderstood. But as a friend of mine just told me “just because you feel that way doesn’t make it so!” I know this, why else would I still be here to talk about it? I ask but one thing of people “don’t judge a book by its cover. Don’t assume by looks and appearances and remember that your actions and especially your words can make or break another; especially an abyss walker.”


Depression – My Own Skeletons



I really wanted to write about depression, because the death of Robin Williams affected me so much. It makes me so incredibly sad to see such an amazing person succumb to this disease. I’ve been there and it kills me to know that he felt there was no other way of getting rid of the pain.

Depression runs in my family and I can remember back to feeling the effects of it in 2nd grade already. Like everyone I know who suffers from depression, the pain can be overwhelming – physically, emotionally and mentally. The feeling of hopelessness and exhaustion from fighting can bring even the strongest to their knees. Not all of us win the fight.

Almost eight years ago it got the better of me, too. I crashed so severely that my doctor hospitalized me. Many factors lead to this boiling point. In addition, I just had shoulder surgery in my left shoulder. Having a weak physical body gave it the rest. It was one of the worst times I can remember, and yet, it felt strangely liberating to simply not give a shit anymore. I was taught that being weak was punishable when I was a kid – by a mother who would hit me when I started crying and tell me to stop my over-sensitive crap. I didn’t show weakness after that. I still have a hard time with it. This was unlike anything I had ever done.

So I sat in my garage, chain smoking, not eating, on Percocet, unable to move the left side of my body and crying. I woke up in the morning crying, I’d cry throughout the day and I would go to bed crying. I couldn’t stop. I felt so hopeless and I was so tired and exhausted. The physical and emotional pain was unbearable. I also had horrible panic attacks. I had locked myself away in my house and talked to no one. I finally went to my doctor; initially to ask for Xanax, so I could stop the panic attacks. I walked into the office, barely keeping up my composure and by the time I was in his office, I was sobbing again. He had been my doctor for years and it was his decision to admit me to the psych ward at the Huntington Memorial hospital in Pasadena. I had literally lost my will to live.

I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. Only a handful of people knew. My family didn’t know and neither did most other people. I was ashamed; I didn’t want to be labeled “crazy.” But, looking back at this time, I can honestly say that these were the “best” two weeks of my life. While I do not suffer from bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, I made friends with two bipolar women. I was on Paxil, Ativan and Ambien. For the first time in many years I slept and I was comfortably numb. No one could get to me. I was shielded from the world. My doctors would come to look after me, and my appointed psychiatrist would meet with me for therapy sessions. There were group sessions, which I often didn’t want to attend. I stayed in my room and read books. I slept a lot. I officially checked out of the world and for once didn’t give a damn what others needed from me. By the time I was released it was quiet in my head; for the first time ever. And, also for the first time, I didn’t have a whole lot to say to anyone. I felt that the people in the psych ward were more “normal” than the ones outside of it. I didn’t want to leave and finally understood why people get addicted to drugs. I saw to it that things never got that bad for me again, which is why I manage my fibromyalgia and life events very different now. I seek help when it gets bad.

Sadly, over the years I have been around many people who suffer from severe depression and do not have the ability to ask for help. I think it’s due to the stigma surrounding depression; especially for men. To watch someone you care about suffer so much is difficult. It is also very difficult to not take their moods, anger and outbursts personal. As they descent further into depression and keep shutting you out more and more, it becomes harder and harder to not trigger your own depression and/or feeling completely helpless. You want to help and be supportive, but there is nothing you can do or say that accomplishes that. Trapped in a world of darkness, they cannot see their way out or seek help from a professional. Their self-loathing often spills over to other parts of their life. The “healthy” people start leaving and the toxic ones keep fueling the fire. This is when most of them start self-medicating, which perpetuates their cycle of despair.

The funniest and most artistic people I have known almost always suffered from depression. An overwhelmingly high number of them never sought therapy or rehab. They bought into the bullshit myth that it was brought on by some life event/chapter of their life, and that they can snap out of it whenever they choose. No matter how many relationships, jobs and friends they’ve lost, they had learned to cope, which meant clinging to the “if only” belief. You know the “if I only had a better job/friends/boyfriend/girlfriend, etc., everything would change” belief? I know from my own experience that you can’t run from depression. I managed to continue my cycles on a new continent for quite some time. Geography was just that – geography.

I think the best way to describe depression is like cancer, because it literally is cancer of the mind. Leave it untreated and it will slowly but surely kill you. Depression causes a whole slew of diseases – cancer being one of them! I feel lucky that I was desperate enough to seek help after my mother died when she was 48 years old. While she officially died from pancreatitis, I know that it was depression that literally ate her up on the inside. I had watched her self-destruct all my life and saw what it did to her health. I was too afraid that I would end up like her. Hence, I didn’t’ have kids. The fear of passing my issues on to a child was too big. I often wonder how many illnesses we could cure, if we could figure out how to repair the mind. Alas, we live in a country where public healthcare is being fought and no one wants to pay or invest into mental illness. I hope this changes one day.

Too Much Freedom – Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Should

The more I see and hear, the more I want to disappear!
I feel a need to ponder human nature again, at least in the way it appears in our lovely society here. I cannot help to look around and wonder where common sense, decency and honesty with oneself disappear to, when I read some of the articles posted on the internet. Apparently, the more “freedom” people have, the more abusive and douchish become. Which brings me to one of my major beliefs in life: Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should!
I know that this is an extremely difficult concept to grasp; especially for the American culture, who was raised on “I deserve a trophy/a reward, the best job, the highest salary and title and much, much more, simply because I am breathing. Things will be delivered on a silver platter and if the proverbial sh** hits the fan, it wasn’t my fault. Someone else is to blame for my choices, my actions and my words; and boy, there is no short list of scape goats.
So let me go over my list of various “face palm” situations and the appropriate organizations, groups and people to blame. In fair warning, this is not going to be pretty and if you are easily offended, you should stop reading right now.
  1. I love Jesus and so should you!
    I am glad you found Jesus. I really am. I assume you found him because you actually read his words. They can be found in this nice collection of scriptures called “The New Testament.” Read this sentence again – The New Testament! Now that we have established where christianity comes from, we should also reiterate what it means to be a Christian! It does not mean you are Jewish. Hence, quoting passages from Genesis, for example, means you are quoting the first book of the Hebrew Bible (the Tanakh) and the OLD TESTAMENT. This has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with Jesus! But aside from the obvious, since this might be merely semantics here for some people, Jesus was pretty clear on the no hate, loving, don’t judge, don’t throw the first stone, etc. kind of stuff. He was super clear on helping the poor and sick and also quite straight forward on how he felt about those who were outcasts.
    Now, I understand that you may be a homophobic, selfish, judgmental, non-compassionate douche canoe, and I also understand that you must blame gay people, other religions, races, homeless and unemployed people and whomever else you don’t like or understand for your appalling behavior, but technically speaking, this makes you, literally, the anti-christ! If you don’t follow a single thing the man preached, you are no longer allowed to call yourself a Christian. And, since you are saying that the bible isn’t open for interpretation, well, then you can’t be part of all these strange splinter groups you’ve created, like baptist, Jehova’s Witness, Mormon, etc.  Technically speaking, you guys were all catholic, until Martin Luther nailed his proclamations to the church door in Wittenberg and formed Lutherism!
  2. Stop telling me how to dress – I embrace my morbid obesity
    Honestly, I don’t care what size you are. I do, however, feel amazed reading all these strange articles, written by offended, fat women (there, I used the “f” word), who are supposedly embracing their bodies and merely fighting for equality. People…. I am NOT thin! Since I have passed the 40s, I struggle with weight like you wouldn’t believe. I can merely look at a cheeseburger and promptly gain a pound. I have gained at least 30 pounds since my early 30s. I was the fat kid in school they made fun of and I struggled with weight my entire life – yes, read again, my entire life!
    I also think that the fashion industry causes harm to a girl’s self-esteem. I believe that we shouldn’t possibly be judged by a standard that fits less than 1% of the entire population and I believe that we have created a monster with our fashion and beauty standards. BUT…I strongly believe in being healthy! The truth is, I have never met an active (exercises regularly) and healthy eating obese person, just like I have never met a healthy underweight person. I am not going to go into the increase of heart disease, diabetes and cardiac diseases we have due to our crappy lifestyle, but the truth is, if you are blessed with crappy genes, like your’s truly here, you’ll have to work on being healthy! This means that sugars and processed foods are not your friend. Neither are sodas, sodium laden and fried foods. Once you reach mid 30s and 40s, you simply have to exercise, because your metabolism goes down the drain. Welcome to aging! These are the harsh and simple truths. I understand that sugary, fatty and salty treats taste much, much better than kale or a salad, I even understand how addictive this stuff is and that means, I just can’t buy it/have it in the house or order it all the time when I go out. I am prone to diabetes, pancreatitis and obesity, and that means I don’t get to mope, I just have to make different choices. I also understand that I will never be super skinny or a size 4 or 2 again, because I am not willing to make the sacrifices I would have to make to get there!
    And while we are at it. Just because you CAN wear a bikini or leggings, doesn’t mean you should. This isn’t about rights! This is about the fact that some clothes look better on one’s body than others. There is stuff that doesn’t look good on my almost 6′ tall roommate that looks good on me and vice versa! I just don’t get what is gained with the constant bickering about “I’m going to wear this thong bikini, even though I weight 300 lbs and you can’t stop me.” It’s not hate when someone says “you shouldn’t be wearing this!” It merely means this particular piece of clothing may not look good on you. Watch “What Not To Wear!”
  3. I don’t have the skills, I don’t have the training, but I should have my manager’s job
    No, you shouldn’t and no, you won’t. I know, you’ve been lead to believe that everyone deserves a trophy and a medal and that you deserve whatever you want, because you are worth it. I also understand that, in certain situations, the guy/woman who runs the show may be a self-entitled, shady and incompetent Muppet, who shouldn’t have gotten the job to begin with. But that doesn’t mean you are right for it either! Just because you’ve been with the company for a gazillion years doesn’t mean your natural progression should be management or above; especially when you can barely put a sentence together, hate people, have a problem with your temper, have an issue with being at work on time or calling in sick, or simply don’t have the general skill set. In a great company you will have a manager who will tell you what your skill set or your strengths are and will hopefully find a way to align you with those. Don’t be a jerk if they are trying to manage or coach you; chances are, you haven’t gotten to where you want to be for a reason and it’s either because you don’t have it, or because you stuck around with the same company and the same dictator boss for years, which also doesn’t show great initiative or leadership! A lot of companies allow their individual contributors to rise equally as high as other VP or director roles without the managing part. A great manager would never set you up for failure, and simply giving you what you want, because you whined long enough about it isn’t doing that. Plus, people deserve competent and strong managers who lead by example and can serve as role models. People haters, those who can’t communicate properly, verbally or written, can’t have tough conversations, have low self-esteem, have a temper issues, or simply barely make it at their job do not qualify. Lead by example and do the job amazingly well, that is what gets you recognized and gets you the promotion. Whining, complaining and threatening, not so much.
I know it’s difficult to grasp that you are truly responsible and accountable for the quality of your life. I know that a lot of people don’t want to hear it. After all, how sad would I be if I realized that my crappy choices and miserable life is no longer my parent’s, teacher’s, manager’s and anyone else’s fault, but my own? What will I do once I can no longer blame my metabolism, my genes and the restaurants for my body, but only my choices? Where will I go, once I realize that my hate, intolerance and bigotry is simply my own, fueled by my surroundings, especially the one I grew up in?
Life would be so much harder if I was truly and completely accountable for everything that spews from my mouth, everything I do and don’t do and the outcomes and consequences attached to it. Hence, I must continue spreading my BS, because I know I am right and that’s all that matters!
It’s amazing how wrong our society is with so many right(eous) and good people in it. Because what’s the first thing any hater will tell you? That they are a good person…