Dear Love,

Today I’m here to tell you that I love you, deeply and truly! You need to know this, because I’ve noticed that you are doing it again. You are doubting, feeling down and worse, you let the fear reign again.

Sweety, you are OK! It’s OK to still go through this. You’ve been trying, I know. You’ve been meditating, visualizing and you’ve purged so much. But, Darling, it takes time. Be patient, I swear it will work out. It always does, remember!?

I know you want to cite past experiences, situations and people, but they don’t matter. You are in the now, now! When you visualize, you’re creating memories from your future. I know that you still struggle with the self-love bit. I know you still sometimes cry when you are asked to visualize that; that’s ok. Because I’ve also noticed how often you laugh now; and how much joy and bliss you’ve experienced as of late.

See, you ARE holding the good thoughts much longer now. You haven’t given up. No, not you, my sweet little fighter. You defiantly wipe away those tears and try again. And that’s why it’ll work out. Your life is amazing, you are loved by so many, go and love yourself like they do. You can. Your light has been shining like a giant beacon. Look around at all these new faces in your life. They all have one thing in common – they smile at you. See, now you are drawing those who not only see you for who you are, but love you because of it. Let’s not disappoint them, by making their love and light meaningless, when we proclaim, if even in the smallest voice, doubts about that offering.

You are the light. You are magnificent and amazing in every way, because of who you are. So, listen well, sweet warrior goddess, I love you. Always and forever.

Love and Light,

Your Higher Self

Dance, Live, Love and Sing

Sometimes you just have to shake off the dust, jump up, start dancing and singing your own renditions of your favorite songs!

I think each and every one of us play so many different roles and wear so many masks that the true self becomes a bit murky after a while. When I was a kid I used to dance in front of the radio, wearing my mom’s robe like a cape and singing into a spoon. I didn’t know English, so I just sang whatever the words sounded like. I still do it! I can sing in German, English, French and Russian; maybe Portuguese! Instead of the robe, I tend to opt for no clothes. One has to be comfortable in one’s skin! Just for fun, I’ve decided to learn French. I like languages and who cares if I’m good or bad at it. I can still run around, laughing like crazy as I proudly proclaim “Je bois le vin rouge!”

The thing is, when we play, pretend, sing and dance we turn into the wide-eyed creators we were born as, before we were told that we shouldn’t, couldn’t and all that other crap that instilled doubt and shame in us. I don’t know about you but I love being a kid again, even if only in spirit.

I really don’t know why we put ourselves through the torture of always doing what we should, when there is so much fun to be had when we are doing whatever makes us happy. Maybe I’m simply wired wrong but whenever I see a cliff, I run towards it, raise my arms and yell “whee,” as I jump. Life is too short to always play it safe and to not get lost in possibility. There are so many things to do, places to see, worlds to conquer, cliffs to jump and laughter to be had. Find those who will support you and run aside you. Spend time with the creators, the happy ones, world travelers, warriors, gods, goddesses and other doers.

Live and love hard! The rest will fall into place!

Thoughts, Beliefs and Other Stuff


For the past few months I have done quite a bit of soul searching. I did my “infinite possibilities” training and started meditating and visualizing again. Within these new parameters I discovered a few interesting truths about me. Some of them are pretty amazing and others are not so inspiring. The most important part I’ve re-learned is that my subconscious selection process in regards to my life choices showed some interesting patterns I wasn’t aware of. OK, let me rephrase that, maybe I was aware of the patterns to a degree, but not so much about the power I have to choose. I had truly forgotten.

In the past I was often baffled by my ability to make fairly good career moves. Sure, I can report some failures, but for the most part I had chosen pretty well when it came to my professional life. I was also pretty good in visualizing and creating most material things I’ve wanted, like cars and my house. My friend selections can be reported as quite successful, too. Again, a few choices resulted in failure, but the overall outcome was good and I still have a handful of super close friends I’ve had for more than 10 years. 

My health has always been challenging, starting when I was in 1st grade. However, I can report that I dealt with my challenges quite well; and still do. I never gave in and I never gave up and while I am often in a lot of pain, fibromyalgia doesn’t get the best of me. I can honestly report that the refusal to give up and choosing how I look at my condition keeps the outcome under enough control to not fall into complete and utter despair and instead, live a fairly qualitative life. The one thing I never truly mastered was relationships of the romantic kind. Again, not all were bad. As a matter of fact, the majority of them were decent. However, just like with the few bad friends I had, the small handful of bad relationships were so bad that they managed to instill certain negative behavioral patterns, because I had come to believe that my inability to “foresee” the outcome and to pick the right partner, meant that I was somehow deficient, incompetent, unworthy and non-deservant. It never occurred to me that these beliefs were lies. It never occurred to me that, besides choosing to be there and stay, it truly wasn’t my fault when people treated me badly.

One of my friends and role models recently posted Part 1 of this article on FB. I am going to post part 2, but you can read part 1 by clicking on the link on the top.

Along with all the things I’ve learned recently, this article hit me like a ton of bricks; in a good way! I am now understanding that it is all my choice and with that comes a strange new freedom. I finally start to see that the “romantic” notion of love is not what makes a relationship successful. I’ve learned this lesson just recently, when I realized how much easier it was to be with someone I consider my best friend (the one who can withstand the “traffic test”), the one who can make me feel home (not judging me by superficial standards, having enough in common with me and giving me a genuine feeling of belonging) and finally, a person who is determined, or shall I say, committed to being with me and consistently act, speak and choose in ways that demonstrate said commitment. All the other stuff is fluff!

There used to be a time when I had checkboxes – I got rid of them. No, it doesn’t mean I dropped all my standards. I had to learn the difference between standards and superficial ego as well. I used to feel guilty for wanting someone who is financially stable. It didn’t even mean super rich. It meant that he is able to take care of himself and that he has ambition and passion, because I am a person with a lot of ambition and passion. I am someone who strives to have the best life possible and I can’t have that with someone who is unstable – financially, emotionally, mentally and physically. I used to feel guilty for having the minimum standards, because I despised superficial people my entire life. Until I realized that hair color, body type, car and all this other “fluff” meant nothing. Yes, I have one “superficial” thing (he has to be taller than me) and I found that it’s OK to want that. I also understand that there has to be initial attraction and chemistry, although I have to say that what causes this “spark” has drastically changed over the past 10 years.

There was a time when I had a type. My type has always been super tall and “unusual” looking. Long hair, tattoos, goth/punk/rock look, piercings, etc. drew me big time. I’d seek these types out and stubbornly refused to date a “normal” guy. I failed to accept for the longest time that these were not only unimportant traits, but that these were utterly wrong choices for me. With the look usually came a lifestyle, a way of being and speaking that didn’t fit me at all! I had nothing in common with the extreme types, because, as it turns out, I was way too normal and grounded for them. I thought that looks do not define a person, because I always felt that my looks didn’t define me. And while we may not always be able to judge a book by its cover, we can judge by who they are being, after numerous encounters and having spent enough time and space with them. Deep down inside I held another wrong belief, namely that people that looked different were different; in a self-confident, successful and sexy kind of way, which meant that being with someone like that would make me equally as self-confident and awesome. The belief was false and in many ways, I paid for it with a lot of heartache and sorrow. Until I learned the truth!

The truth, as it turns out, was that the looks were less important and didn’t account for chemistry! Sure, initial attraction matters, but what trumped all was how a person makes me feel, consistently. I suddenly found myself looking at everyone, but especially men, in a completely different light. I paid attention to how people made me feel and to what they’d bring out in me. There are some people, places and situations that just make you feel amazing and continuously bring out the best in you, therefore challenging you to grow and keep getting better in life. The trick was simply to have more of those experiences and less, if not to say none, of the negative, draining and disappointing experiences. It was a matter of choice, a matter of changing my mind and a matter of changing “my vibration,” if you will. False beliefs, insecurity, fear, sadness and anger only attracted the same into my life. I had to stop being these things, in order to stop attracting them into my life. I had to stop believing that I was this flawed and horrible person, based on what other people had done, said and chosen!

I now feel a change in my mind. It’s not as tangible and not quite as steady as I want it to yet, but so far it brings a certain peace of mind, happiness and laughter into my life. I am, for the first time, thrilled to be me – alone! I don’t need anyone to make me happy. I want someone who is willing and able to contribute. I am not willing to settle for just a body by my side. I have decided to rather be alone than with the wrong person. I have decided that happy, peaceful and awesome people are welcome, wanted and allowed. I have decided that each and every one of us has a wavelength, a frequency on which we are sending if you will, and that I want my partner to be on the same channel and frequency, sending vibes of laughter, love and awesomeness. When I die, I want to do so with a smile on my face, knowing that I conquered my demons and lived the life I was meant to have and deserved with every part of my being. So in closing, I’d like to add the following from TUT – A Note from the Universe:

Having preferences doesn’t mean you’re judgmental. Carmen, whether they’re likes or dislikes. They just ensure that as the  winds of divinity are blown through your heart, the melody is unlike any other. So have them, Carmen. Have them BIG time. – The Universe –

I Am All That I Am – And that’s fabulous!

I Love Me Written inside a Heart Drawn in Sand





Sometimes I am very aware of how much I am like a wave. Like the constant ebb and flow of the ocean, I, too, find myself flowing in and out of various states of consciousness. But, above all, there are times when I remember, yet again, how important loving myself truly is.

I have been struggling sometimes with this concept. Sadly, I am still giving way too many f***s about others at times and it shapes how I look at myself. But, sooner or later there is always the “aha” moment again, where I realize that I need to just learn to give less f***s and go back to my core.

The thing is that I really, really don’t want to sound like one of “those” sad women, who rattle off their emotional resume; you know the kind who cries in her beer/wine and goes “WHAAAAHAAAA!! But I am such a good catch. I am smart, I am successful and I am pretty…” yada yada yada. Because honestly, this is not so much how I truly view myself. When I speak of loving myself, it is much more an honest glimpse at myself, my accomplishments, my failures, my strengths and weaknesses, sporting a slightly crooked grin, doing a little shoulder shrug and then, whilst shaking my head, going “yeah, you’re OK, girly.”

Sure, there are stunts I have pulled in my life that still have me scratch my head, going “WTF happened there,” but overall, I am OK with the choices I have made and the path I am on; even though I have no clue where it may lead. And you know what? That’s quite OK, too!

My entire life I have admired people who were taking risks, were extroverted, sure of themselves, unapologetically in people’s faces and stood firmly in who they were. I envied them, until I realized that I have quite a bit of these qualities myself. I mean, who else decides “I’m going to move up North!” and then goes and makes it happen within a mere two months.

Looking back at everything, I do love my willpower, my determination and the ability to bounce back, no matter what and still feel overall joyful, happy, cheery and even idealistic. I am glad that I haven’t turned bitter, miserable and angry. I am happy that I still have a twinkle in my eyes, still ask with all sincerity “really????” and mean it and that I have my heart, which is still wide open and a bit bleeding for all those who are less fortunate than me.

I am grateful that I am able to pay it forward. I am grateful that I am I – unapologetically so, in your face, dead honest and crooked grin sporting.

Happy Valentine’s Day



People seem to really hate Valentine’s Day. I don’t quite understand why. It’s been around for as long as I can remember, even in Germany. Granted, we may not have celebrated it, but we acknowledged it and it has always been known as “the day of the lovers.”

I kind of think that Valentine’s Day is awesome. Not for the commercialized aspect of the obligatory flower and chocolate gifts, but because I think we SHOULD have a day for the lovers. Hell, I think we should love every day and quite honestly, in this day and age I feel that love is underrated!

It feels as if our lives revolve around “stuff” and work; making more money, being more busy and more successful. Our feelings and emotions are watered down. We don’t put a whole lot of stock in our hearts anymore and rely instead on our amazing intellect and rationale. It is frowned upon to feel and most emotions are seen as mushy and weak.

What a sad state of affairs! If it would be up to me, almost the entire world population would be in therapy, learning how to let go of undesirable and emotionally crippling behavioral patterns. There should be workshops for how to feel more and be less selfish. We should school people on the power of true intimacy and teach them how to connect, without sex. I find it rather laughable how many consider f***ing their indicator for intimacy. I’d love classes on how to open your heart, be present and share love and kindness; for the joy of it! I want tools to heal broken hearts and let go of past hurts and regrets for everyone.

I want the bah humbugs to shut up. I want a world filled with more Dali Lama’s and less politicians. I want to give chocolate hearts out all the time and I want to share my love and heart as often as possible, because I think love is the only thing truly worth living for. I believe love is all that matters, especially when we are stripped of the stuff we have made a priority, usually for the wrong reasons.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Doesn’t matter if you are single, married or in a relationship, know that you are loved. And when you are loved, you are not truly ever alone.

Happiness – It’s Not a Yeti



“In my mind is the sound of rudderless ships, a time and a time, a time and a time and a time and a time.
So much silence has deafened our ears, so much emptiness hinders our movements, lost in the earth and lost in the air around my hollow globe…”

We think it is all so incredibly difficult. We think that life is difficult and our relationships are complicated and nothing makes sense. Everything is so confusing and we wish we would have done things differently. If we could only have clarity for just a moment, if we’d only know what to do. If we could only figure “it” out and finally reach the destination of eternal bliss and happiness. So we study different philosophies and we become introspective. We go to therapy and we learn different methods of calming the inner beast and damn it, still no happiness and bliss. Why, why does the formula not appear and why do we keep missing the boat and why does this simple thing elude us? Don’t we deserve it? Aren’t we good people, with great values; loving and caring and kind. Why?

I think the reason is that there is no formula. Nothing eludes us, we are not really missing anything and there is nothing to be found. I think it boils down to simple choices we can make every single day. If we can only get this thought out of our head that we are incomplete or doing something wrong (I am deliberately avoiding the term “buying into the illusion” as it is often used in new age and spiritual terms).
As long as there is free will people will be unpredictable. There is no way in telling what will happen. There is no way in knowing if he/she will stay with you forever, if you’ll keep your job, your friends, when people die, and what may occur. There is no telling!!! We think we need to find happiness via finding people that will bring it to us and the truth is, these people do not exist.

What does exists is our commitment to do what we do with integrity and honesty. We can set our own standards and boundaries and not waiver on them. We can do the best that we can do in being true to ourselves and do what makes us happy, regardless of what other people think or feel about it. We can choose our relationships, personal and professional, based on making the best decision with the pieces of information we had at the time. And importantly, we can forgive ourselves for making mistakes and understanding that not all our decisions will be golden and pan out the way we hoped they would.

The key to happiness is being happy with oneself! Love yourself, forgive yourself for the stupid things you’ve done, the mistakes you’ve made and focus on learning from them. Understand that sometimes it takes a few tries to get it right. It doesn’t make you stupid, it just means it didn’t sink in the first time. No big deal! Next time you’ll do it right. There always is a next time; just don’t give up!

It is completely irrelevant what happened in the past. You can’t change it. You can only change how you look at things from now on and how you learn from your journey and make the best out of every situation. You can choose to be kind to yourself and to be the best that you can be, no matter who is there or who isn’t. I think if you learn to complete yourself, then whatever/whoever else is coming in is more likely to add greatness, instead of merely filling a void.  Don’t compromise, don’t sell out, don’t give up, never stop learning and be selfish.

Have at it! Live, love, laugh!




Why do “inspirational” quotes and posts always tell us what kind of people we shouldn’t keep? Sure, most of this is common sense, but if you want to inspire me, well, give me something positive.

I am going to tell you now what type of people to keep! And just like the ones you shouldn’t keep, this is common sense, so expect no huge “ooh” and “ah” moments here. But, it is nice to be reminded, because sometimes people forget or take things for granted. So, here are the keepers!

  1. People who make you happy
  2. People who bring out the best in you
  3. People who challenge you (see No. 2)
  4. People who inspire by action, not just pretty words
  5. People who have a high sense of integrity
  6. People who make you laugh
  7. People who at least attempt to understand you
  8. People who see your core/can look past your flaws
  9. People who add in a positive way to your life

Stillness – Overjoyed and Undershared















It is usually very loud in my head. It’s probably like that for most people. The constant chatter and thought highway, the worries, the fears, the stress, the sadness, the regret (yes, I am purposely using negative emotions, as they are the biggest culprits in creating noise) and insecurities are exhausting, because they are very difficult to stop or even remotely get under control. Personally, I feel that social networking and the constant need/want to maybe get validation for our existence, make it worse. I remember how MySpace was a constant source of drama and stress for me; and Facebook isn’t too far from it sometimes.

I am no better than the rest. There are times when I spend a LOT of time on Facebook, happily sharing silly pictures, wise quotes or random crap. I haven’t quite gotten to the point where I just share my every move, but when I am spiraling I am pretty close to that point. I found that my true state of mind can easily be measured by my Facebook activity; or lack thereof. And my friends know it! Which I think is one of the plus sides, since I have a hard time reaching out when I don’t feel great.

On the flip side, when I feel great, I don’t share/hardly share on Facebook or anywhere else for that matter. It’s like with poetry. I write the best stories/poetry or blogs when I am sad or depressed. Unfortunately, not a whole lot comes to mind when I am happy. I have always known this about me, but couldn’t quite figure out why, until it suddenly became clear as day for me as of recent.

Have you ever had the perfect day/night/moment? Have you ever had an experience where something suddenly clicked in your, usually super loud, mind and you remembered what it is all about? It’s the “aha” moment that finally awakens you from, what seemed to be, a nightmare or a cage you had created for yourself and frees you from the shackles that bound and compelled you to recreate the same patterns over and over and over.

Bjork said in “Pagan Poetry,” “This time I’m going to keep it all to myself.” And she said in “Come to Me,” “Don’t make me say it. It would burst the bubble (and) break the charm.” When the “aha” moment happens for me the noise suddenly stops. It gets quiet in my mind, my constant flow of words ceases and so does my need to control, do anything, lead, fear, worry or overcompensate. I suddenly am fully aware of my surroundings and realize that all that matters right now is the very moment I am experiencing. I then remember that I control nothing and no one, but my perception of what is happening. I feel amazingly alive and present and all the little distractions no longer register.

Recently, I had such a moment. It just all stopped. The constant chatter, the rat race, the fears, the insecurities and I felt as if I was on top of the world (which I was to some degree). I realized that all that matters is a moment. I realized that what we fear the most is quite often a figment of our own, bad imagination; and that we make life so much more difficult than what it has to be. Yes, I am quite often my own worst enemy and in this moment I didn’t want to do that anymore. I felt whole, complete, strong and fearless and dropped my reigns.
Anything is now possible. Amazing things may come my way because there is space now. This moment was so profound that I have not shared it, nor will I share it with anyone, for it almost feels sacrilegious to talk about it. Yes, I will keep it all to myself, hold on to it, so this love and appreciation can spread, multiply and keep my doors open and my canvas blank; and the noise may be kept at bay for as long as possible.

Each time I want to default to my old ways I simply say “all is the way it should be. All is perfect and right and if it isn’t, I trust that it simply does not serve, no longer belongs or wasn’t meant to be.” I trust that I can be my own beacon now. Yes, this time, I’m going to keep it all to myself; and neither burst the bubble nor break the charm.


Happiness is Learned and Earned – Not Given



I’ve read a lot of books in my lifetime. I have walked many paths and sought out many avenues; all in the attempt to find happiness. But despite all the “work” I did, happiness would often elude me. This didn’t stop me from searching and of course, over time I learned that happiness cannot be found from outside sources, but must come from within. But what many of the books and therapists failed to explain to me is that happiness is also a learned behavior. It is difficult to achieve something you cannot grasp, something you have not experienced and therefore wouldn’t quite know when you have found it. In the end, it is like asking another how it feels to be high when you never took drugs.

In concept it always sounds so easy. Reading all the self-help books anyone could ever ask for, sternly following the instructions and wondering what I did wrong, because it didn’t quite work that way for me. I remember getting frustrated, especially when reading crap like “The Secret.” I was supposed to have no attachment to anything, while not having any “bad” thoughts and banishing any thought of anger, sadness, despair, hate or fear. I felt that a lot of these books asked me to stop being human. And each time I failed, I figured it had to be me. Maybe I was too (<–insert bad thing here) and not enough of something other and apparently, caused all the bad things in my life.

It took many years, and might take me yet a few more, to realize that happiness is actually hard work; for me that is. I realized that it requires a shift in who I am and how I perceive the world and most importantly, it would require me to take every day actions that would eventually overwrite my faulty hardwiring. The same hardwiring that kept playing messages in my head that were not true, but nonetheless real and influential to me. I’ve spent thousands of dollars in therapy, training, and anything else that claimed to change who I am. I was willing to try, well, I thought whatever it took, and boy, did I miss the point, many times.

See, there is a price that comes with happiness. At least that is what I have encountered. For me, happiness sometimes requires to be selfish. Something I am not good at, because I keep confusing taking care of myself as being selfish. Sometimes happiness means to be firm when you just want to give in, because it is easier. It may mean to give up people and situations you’ve known for years and sticking with someone or something you’ve never known and therefore can’t predict. Sometimes happiness means that you have to drop a lifetime of inauthenticity, blow up your life and all you know and are comfortable with; and how many of us are able to do that? Happiness is learned and requires practice; and the actions one has to take to be happy often seem daunting, frightening and downright lonely.

Sure, I’ll break down and I get angry and resentful, hating on those who have robbed me of the tools to create what I have always searched so desperately. But at the end of the day, nothing can change the past. I have the responsibility to stop whatever cycle I am in. I have to be the one who takes charge and that task seems overwhelming and too much at times. But what if I wake up one day and realize that I pissed away my chance to be the best I can be and have the life I was meant to have, because I was too scared and too complacent to walk within my own truth; and allowed my core to shine?

What they never tell you in the books is that it takes a bomb. Blow it all up. Blow your life to smithereens and start rebuilding from ground up. Maybe, just maybe, instead of looking at ruins, you will find that you were given at blank canvas to create, paint and be whomever you were meant to be. And maybe, just maybe, it requires to stop fearing what others may think of you and learning that you are the most important one in your own life and that you owe it to yourself to learn happiness. Happiness – I am learning it. And no, it doesn’t seem easy or natural. Alas, I am doing it…