Last week I was lectured again about my “inability to just have fun and go with the flow.” The conclusion and supposed reason for my behavior was given in a voice that was slightly amused and belittling, “of course you feel that way. You are a woman.” I find this label not just annoying, but insulting. As if being a woman means something negative, or would take away from my strength, somehow make me weak or inferior. Your idea of fun and my idea of fun may vary monumentally. And my idea of fun is not simply getting laid; and here is why.
I am actually no different than most people in what I find attractive. I gravitate towards men who know the meaning of integrity, are smart, ambitious, funny, witty, decisive, confident and intuitive; intuitive enough to be self-aware, while understanding how his actions and words affect those around him. In order for me to be attracted enough to want to sleep with someone, I need to see traces of these traits. Simply put, a man who cannot stimulate my brain and parts of my heart won’t get into my pants either. Stop saying it’s because I am a woman!
Over my lifetime I have met both, men and women, that are wired just like me and some that are the exact opposite. Good for you if you can have casual sex and compartmentalize, but why do you assume or speak as if my way is inferior and a huge weakness? Is it a flaw to crave true, authentic bonds and experience intimacy first? Maybe I feel that jumping into bed with someone I’m not even comfortable enough spending a day with is shallow; but unlike you, I do not judge if that is what you want. Do what floats your boat and makes you happy. Trust me, it’s not because you are a man, or a woman wired like a man. What does that even mean? I crave connection, because it’s how I am built, end of story.
I have always found it dissatisfying to wake up next to someone I am not really close to. Trust me, I’ve tried it. I am human and got carried away for the illusion of closeness or a projection of what I needed to see on numerous occasions. Yes, sometimes I just wanted someone next to me. However, the outcome never changed. I felt empty, kind of skittish and couldn’t wait to get away. As a whole, I am sensitive, super sensitive even, and my heart is a fragile thing that requires tending to. I do not expect another to do that for me, but I do expect others to respect that bit about me. I don’t need to be ridiculed for it and told “you really need to loosen up and have some fun.” It isn’t fun to me to go through a motion. My body doesn’t respond too well if I am not connected. Quite on the contrary! I find it anxiety inducing and agonizing if I liked someone enough to sleep with them and didn’t know if he would want me back, or just used me to have some fun.
There are all these labels: serial dater, serial monogamist, super sensitive, too tense, too much, too intense, boring, too organized, not spontaneous enough, blah, blah, blah! Here is my answer: YAY FOR ME! If my inability to just hop into bed with someone, before I feel potential for something more makes me too predictable then I’d rather be predictable, boring and lame. If my willingness to spend months without a warm body, because I’m rather at home by myself and doing Netflix marathons, or traveling to an exciting destination (there is my idea of being spontaneous), takes away from the game, well, then I’ll rather not play. Having to be elusive, mysterious, hard to get and standoffish, while pretending to not be all that interested is too exhausting. If the idea of “going with the flow” means I am not “allowed” to plan anything, ask him out too soon (what is it again, a three day rule?), or god forbid, tell him how much I like him and how I’d love to date him exclusively, is cramping his style, then he is simply not right for me. I will not pretend to be something or someone I am not.
I happen to believe that our society’s inability to truly connect open and honestly, without filters, while putting ourselves fully out there, regardless of the outcome, is sad and disheartening. I don’t take pleasure in plastic and shallow and I surely will not play games. See, I happen to really like myself and dare I say, love myself enough to understand that who I am and what I am is just fine, including the fact that I am not mysterious or hard to get. The way I view the world and the people in it, along with my desire to leave this planet in a better state than the one I found it in, requires an equal, not just to recognize these qualities in me, but to find them attractive, lovable and desirable. I am not merely a walking vagina. Anyone who really thinks that the ability to manipulate certain parts of the anatomy and make them respond a certain way is awesome and his only strength is not someone I want to be with. I find a man who is able and willing to connect and feel much more intriguing and inspiring than the dude who can screw his way through hours of marathon sex, while priding himself on his ability to make a woman come.
Craving true and authentic connection and intimacy is what I want, who I am and choose to be. Stop telling me that it’s a bad thing. Why would I want mundane, when I can have extraordinary. So, I’m going to sit on my planet, knowing that I am fine just the way I am, because I am me, and not because I am a woman, not because I am weak, needy or boring. I am me, and while my heart may get broken and trampled on much more than those who can disconnect and compartmentalize, I’m still willing to keep putting myself out there and try again. It’s the idealist in me, you know?