Time is Precious

TimeTime is precious. It is by far one of the most important commodities in our lives. This is why it is important to treasure every moment and make the best out of things, no matter what.

As of late I have been paying more attention to how I spend my time and whom I spend it with. l realized how “careless” and freely I have given away my time to people and activities that weren’t worth it.

The thing is that I have always been very good about freely offering my time, help, heart and loyalty to anyone who’d ask for it. It didn’t occur to me that it was OK for me to ask for the same in return. I therefore found myself frequently around people who never seemed to be able to make any effort for me; and at times, didn’t even seem to care about me all that much. This made me an easy target for users, narcissists or selfish individuals.

Taking stock of what I do, how I do it and with whom, has made a huge difference in how I feel. I am less angry, because I don’t consistently feel being used. I am less sad or feeling bad, because I am able to prioritize my own wants and needs, clearly state boundaries and do more things I enjoy doing. I cut out the dialogue about things I should be doing, the feelings of obligation and most importantly, the self-imposed rules I had lived by for most of my life. Freedom of mind and heart came when I stopped worrying and deliberately did the opposite of what I used to do. I had a brand new outlook “what do I have to lose?” Turns out, I had everything to gain! I have felt more alive and happy and have had very little, mostly even no pain.

Being out in the world is extremely fun, provided one is fully present and alive. So, when it comes to your time, spend it wisely. I am learning that it is not just OK, but actually important to be choosy and selective. A friend recently told me that I should only give my all to someone who is worthy. I think “all” includes one’s time. So today, I am making new choices and these include not giving time to people who give nothing but only seem to remember me when they need or want something from me. Time, it’s precious, as is your heart – choose wisely whom you give them to. Choose people who are worthy of you and your time.

The Warrior Goddess

Now that it’s still enough, I can actually hear my heart again.

It’s been two years of agonizing heart break for me, desperately trying to put myself back together; and failing quite spectacularly. I guess I’m a great runner. It’s quite astounding how fast I can run and how numb I can go. Here I was thinking that my heart was aching, when the complete lack of tears should have given away how closed off I truly was. But nothing like my old companion of fibromyalgia to remind me again that shutting off one’s heart always lends a great hand to my mind to make the pain a physical reality.  Shut down by pain and fear I had buried myself in my cave, unwilling and unable to come back out. I rarely felt so dead in my life. And then back comes “the other one.”

I guess when all is said and done I’ll always find the warrior goddess in me. The one who puts up one hell of a fight and lives, loves and experiences deeply, fiercely and without fear. There is a reason my mom affectionately called me “kleine Hexe,” German for little witch but in the sense of enchantress, powerful, wise, little one. See, when I was a girl I saw with such clarity; and then I grew up. I guess the world has a way to kill the magic right out of you.

Maybe one can say that I woke up again. It started about three months ago, after experiencing another disappointment, but suddenly thought loud and clear “ha! You know what time it is? It’s fuck this shit o’clock,” And off I went like a rocket.

I did it all at once: started yoga again, added Bikram, swimming, took a seminar “thoughts become things,” started meditating, visualizing and reading again. I’d sit visualizing, repeating the mantra “I don’t know how and when, but it will all work out, because I’m coming back into my power again.” I created a vision board; and I allowed all this stagnant energy to drain. I’d meditate and cry, because I couldn’t believe the messages; at first. But slowly my world started to change. With each moment, day and breath my vision board started to manifest. The images deeply carved into my subconscious mind took form. And then something else happened! My heart resuscitated.

I sit here now on an island, figuratively and literally speaking as I’m in Maui, all alone to celebrate my birthday and my rebirth. I am not quite used to be so open and raw, but how glorious it is to be so alive, to feel everything so vividly and strongly. The pain is getting purged. This poison that ran it all, my mind, body and heart is getting extracted with each passing day.

In a way I’m like the Phoenix; sometimes you gotta die in the fire so you can be reborn in the ashes. There is a small voice that whispers “Ah, but if you are open, you are vulnerable.” Is that so? Well, there will always be some voice that is going to whisper small, doubting and hurtful words. All I’ll do is tilt my head, ever so lightly, listen, acknowledge and then send it packing. Pain may be a part of life, but so is joy, wonder, amusement, ecstasy, happiness and love.

Thoughts become things. I’m going to give mine wings, strength, courage and power. I’ll keep looking at my board, visualize my new reality, put a stupid grin on my face and just for good measure dance naked through my living room to my own music and the beat of my own drum.

When you can remember the warrior and goddess within, manifesting seems such an easy task. Just rip out the sword and slash the shackles that bind you to pieces.

Thoughts become wings. Thoughts become things. Thoughts are reality manifesting right in front of you. So be mindful of every thought and moment, because you may have crashed but you can always soar again. Quitting and running is for losers, but not ever for warriors,

Hookups Suck – Because You Are A Woman

despicable me minions













Last week I was lectured again about my “inability to just have fun and go with the flow.” The conclusion and supposed reason for my behavior was given in a voice that was slightly amused and belittling, “of course you feel that way. You are a woman.” I find this label not just annoying, but insulting. As if being a woman means something negative, or would take away from my strength, somehow make me weak or inferior. Your idea of fun and my idea of fun may vary monumentally. And my idea of fun is not simply getting laid; and here is why.

I am actually no different than most people in what I find attractive. I gravitate towards men who know the meaning of integrity, are smart, ambitious, funny, witty, decisive, confident and intuitive; intuitive enough to be self-aware, while understanding how his actions and words affect those around him. In order for me to be attracted enough to want to sleep with someone, I need to see traces of these traits. Simply put, a man who cannot stimulate my brain and parts of my heart won’t get into my pants either. Stop saying it’s because I am a woman!

Over my lifetime I have met both, men and women, that are wired just like me and some that are the exact opposite. Good for you if you can have casual sex and compartmentalize, but why do you assume or speak as if my way is inferior and a huge weakness? Is it a flaw to crave true, authentic bonds and experience intimacy first? Maybe I feel that jumping into bed with someone I’m not even comfortable enough spending a day with is shallow; but unlike you, I do not judge if that is what you want. Do what floats your boat and makes you happy. Trust me, it’s not because you are a man, or a woman wired like a man. What does that even mean? I crave connection, because it’s how I am built, end of story.

I have always found it dissatisfying to wake up next to someone I am not really close to. Trust me, I’ve tried it. I am human and got carried away for the illusion of closeness or a projection of what I needed to see on numerous occasions. Yes, sometimes I just wanted someone next to me. However, the outcome never changed. I felt empty, kind of skittish and couldn’t wait to get away. As a whole, I am sensitive, super sensitive even, and my heart is a fragile thing that requires tending to. I do not expect another to do that for me, but I do expect others to respect that bit about me. I don’t need to be ridiculed for it and told “you really need to loosen up and have some fun.” It isn’t fun to me to go through a motion. My body doesn’t respond too well if I am not connected. Quite on the contrary! I find it anxiety inducing and agonizing if I liked someone enough to sleep with them and didn’t know if he would want me back, or just used me to have some fun.

There are all these labels: serial dater, serial monogamist, super sensitive, too tense, too much, too intense, boring, too organized, not spontaneous enough, blah, blah, blah! Here is my answer: YAY FOR ME! If my inability to just hop into bed with someone, before I feel potential for something more makes me too predictable then I’d rather be predictable, boring and lame. If my willingness to spend months without a warm body, because I’m rather at home by myself and doing Netflix marathons, or traveling to an exciting destination (there is my idea of being spontaneous), takes away from the game, well, then I’ll rather not play. Having to be elusive, mysterious, hard to get and standoffish, while pretending to not be all that interested is too exhausting. If the idea of “going with the flow” means I am not “allowed” to plan anything, ask him out too soon (what is it again, a three day rule?), or god forbid, tell him how much I like him and how I’d love to date him exclusively, is cramping his style, then he is simply not right for me. I will not pretend to be something or someone I am not.

I happen to believe that our society’s inability to truly connect open and honestly, without filters, while putting ourselves fully out there, regardless of the outcome, is sad and disheartening. I don’t take pleasure in plastic and shallow and I surely will not play games. See, I happen to really like myself and dare I say, love myself enough to understand that who I am and what I am is just fine, including the fact that I am not mysterious or hard to get. The way I view the world and the people in it, along with my desire to leave this planet in a better state than the one I found it in, requires an equal, not just to recognize these qualities in me, but to find them attractive, lovable and desirable. I am not merely a walking vagina. Anyone who really thinks that the ability to manipulate certain parts of the anatomy and make them respond a certain way is awesome and his only strength is not someone I want to be with. I find a man who is able and willing to connect and feel much more intriguing and inspiring than the dude who can screw his way through hours of marathon sex, while priding himself on his ability to make a woman come.

Craving true and authentic connection and intimacy is what I want, who I am and choose to be. Stop telling me that it’s a bad thing. Why would I want mundane, when I can have extraordinary. So, I’m going to sit on my planet, knowing that I am fine just the way I am, because I am me, and not because I am a woman, not because I am weak, needy or boring. I am me, and while my heart may get broken and trampled on much more than those who can disconnect and compartmentalize, I’m still willing to keep putting myself out there and try again. It’s the idealist in me, you know?

The Power of a Great Character

One of the biggest questions when people end up in the wrong relationships, pick the wrong friends or hire the wrong employees is why they didn’t see it coming. When someone pulls the wool over our eyes we scratch our heads and wonder if we truly didn’t see the writing on the walls, or how we could have been so completely wrong.

The problem is not that we didn’t see it coming. The problem is that we are generally unwilling to listen. We don’t trust our own instincts and we tend to romanticize those who we have chosen as partners or friends; and we might feel ashamed for having hired someone we shouldn’t have. But there are a few ways to spot those with a strong character, which will allow you to make an informed decision in what capacity you’d like that person in your life; if at all.

First of all, observing a person’s behavior over time really is your friend. Any mask and facade can only be upheld for so long, until it starts cracking or completely falling apart. One of the biggest indicators of someone with a great character is how they handle their life in times of stress, when they are criticized/confronted or experience failure; in other words, when things don’t go their way and not all is rosy. Pressure truly reveals who someone is at their core and what coping skills they have. Why? Because those with strong character compose themselves with grace, dignity and kindness, no matter how bad it gets. Going through difficult or hard times never gives reason to act like a jerk. And, a person with strong character won’t always make it about themselves, while selfishly disregarding another’s view or opinion. They don’t have their head stuck up their butts, unable to see anything outside of their own box and bleak reality, and because of that they know how to forgive, let go and move on.

Strong character is usually fueled by integrity, honesty, fairness, kindness and strength. Therefore, consistent actions of douche baggery, egotism, victimhood, fear, anger, jealousy or imbalance are not sported, because a strong character has no need for those. It is absolutely normal for anyone to handle things the wrong way sometimes, but the sum of our actions is what defines us; not our occasional words or displays of doing the right thing. Don’t listen to excuses like “well, these were special circumstances,” or “I have been going through a hard time.” We all go through hard times now and then. It doesn’t give us the right to lash out, to insult people or take our moods and attitude out on them; it doesn’t give us the right for attitude, period. Anyone who notoriously sports moody behavior, who can’t be trusted and requires a constant tiptoeing, i.e. censorship of one’s actions or words is not worth catering to. Any relationship, personal or professional, requires a consistent flow of giving and taking. When things are always off balance it is time to reevaluate if it is worth continuing interaction with that person.

Unhealthy souls have a way of attracting more of the same, namely more stress, drama and pain. They are never in a space of true happiness; they don’t know joy and any success they may feel is short-lived. The glass is always half empty for them, no matter how good they have it or what happens, because they have long lost, or maybe never even learned the ability to enjoy anything in life. They have come to rely on their own misery, worry and lack of anything good to define how their life unfolds.

I noticed that everyone I have ever met with amazing character has lost a great deal in life at some point; they have endured great hardships or pain and within all of that have learned to not take things for granted and to appreciate people and situations more, while complaining and whining less. They have learned to be kinder and more patient because they know how it felt at some point and time to be on the other side of the spectrum. They have learned what truly matters in life and therefore waste no time on those who didn’t learn it. And while I still do not understand why some who endure pain turn into monsters, while others turn into heroes, I do know that true loss or dire consequences to one’s own created misery have created some of the most amazing people I have ever encountered.

It is difficult to swim against the stream and to do what is right, especially when there are those who keep making excuses for us, support us or enable us in our BS. But at the end of the day, those who can’t learn, are those who won’t grow. And those who won’t grow, are those who’ll stay down in the black hole of mere existence.

Valentine’s Day – We’re Doing it Wrong!


On Monday is Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day has been around for as long as I remember, except that it used to be the day for lovers and that maybe you received a rose. It has now blown up to a complete three-ring circus, seemingly created to make men across the globe feel miserable and help turn a huge profit for flower shops and greeting card companies. Now, I am not going to be a hypocrite here, by claiming that I won’t indulge in such nonsense, because I am no different than most other women and love receiving candy, flowers or a card. I am, however, a pretty realistic and practical person as well and my marriage is not going to end if my poor husband, who is currently getting up at 7 AM, coming home between 9 and 10 PM, including Saturdays and Sundays, doesn’t make it to the store to buy the obligatory Valentine’s present. It might be a cultural thing, because in Germany we just never made a big fuzz about something like this. It’s great if our guy remembers, or chooses to participate, but it isn’t an indicator of how much we are loved and we certainly don’t feel that the world is ending, if he doesn’t come home bearing gifts.

I might stand alone with my opinion, but I think that gift giving has gotten completely out of control. The expectations of how to show love are so completely unrealistic and are set so high that I would be seriously concerned if I had to raise kids. When ads tell us that we should remember out parents for Valentine’s Day (yep, this is what I heard on the radio this morning), when children receive $2,000 laptops for Easter and the expectation for an engagement ring lies in spending thousands of dollars, where does gratitude come in? What ever happened to “it’s the thought that counts?”

There are quite a few guys who do an amazing job in the gift giving department and are still bad excuses for a boyfriend or husband. Receiving expensive gifts does not show how much a person loves another. Gifts only mean the world to me if they are thoughtful and if the rest of his actions match the gift! I couldn’t care less about getting a dozen roses on Valentine’s Day, if he is a selfish or thoughtless jerk for the rest of the year!

Maybe we would end up getting more at times, if we’d learn to expect less? Maybe we’d receive more by being grateful and learning to fill our needs from within, versus expecting another to make us look good, feel worthy or good enough? Sure, we are taught that we should always raise the bar and expect nothing but the best, but maybe our idea of “the best” has become distorted, spoiled and added a sense of entitlement. I always felt that in order to expect and get the best, I, as well, have to be the best! My man surprises me at times by not spending a dime, namely when he “sings” a song to me that tells me how he feels about me (his idea of singing is blasting a song on his iPhone while happily mouthing the words and gesturing along).

I think the world would be a better place if we could all just strive to always give our best; not just on one day and definitely not just by buying heart-shaped candy!