“Why me?” I have heard this question asked many times before. Geez, I used to ask this question a lot. Somehow, when things are bad in our lives, we tend to believe that some unknown, exterior source is responsible for it all. We feel out of control, “unlucky,” and worse, after a while we completely give up and no longer take any responsibility at all, because we are that convinced that someone or something else is causing all of it.
I used to think that I was born under some unlucky star. I used to think that it didn’t matter what I did (or didn’t do for that matter) I would not and could not succeed. I figured that happiness belonged to a lucky few, who had some kind of secret, or were chosen by some invisible, supernatural lottery; the same lottery who had provided me with the ass card (sorry, a German phrase that will always make me laugh).
As long as I believed this I kept creating it. Nothing worked for me, because I would approach anything and everything already feeling defeated and knowing that I would end up losing. I felt that I had every right to be a victim. I had plenty of reason to support the notion that I deserved to feel low, not good enough and undeserving. There is a certain self-righteousness, stubbornness and almost peace in telling yourself that you are not to blame. And as long as this was my mental reality, no one could convince me, or teach me otherwise.
So how did I change my mind? I guess I started out by observing “happy” people. I really wanted to know what they had that I didn’t. After a while I realized that they were courageous, honest with themselves, actively taking charge of their life and never accepting defeat or seeing themselves as a victim. Some had gone through horrible experiences, involving death and true tragedy (by “true” I mean out of their control circumstances), most of us would have not recovered from. And here they were, finding the strength to go on, fairly untainted, never turning mean, spiteful, vicious or whiny. Whatever they had, I wanted that!
Within all the tragedy I watched those dearest to me go through, I learned a valuable lesson; life may deal you the worst hand ever, but that doesn’t mean you have to turn into a victim, or take it out on others. I also learned that life is what it is and doesn’t require my actions to make it worse or harder on me. Some of us have to work harder on creating lasting happiness than others. This is neither good, nor bad, it just is. I didn’t want to self-sabotage and self-defeat anymore. I didn’t want to be a person who doesn’t contribute, wallows in self-pity and burdens an already sick planet with more negative energy.
I sat down and thought about how often I had undersold and undermined myself. How often I had lowered my standards, my expectations and dreams, downplayed my own abilities, and true being in order to fit in, be liked or “loved.” I had overstepped my own boundaries consistently, and hence, allowed everyone else to overstep them, too. I realized that my life and where I was at on all levels was done by my own creation. I had been given the ass card growing up, but then had been holding on to it throughout adulthood.
I took that card and tore it up. I went to hypnotherapy, psychotherapy, yoga, weight training and running, I started reading again and packed all my time outside of work into things that were healthy and good for me. I had to outsmart myself and leave no room for going back to any old patterns. I distanced myself from people I had long suspected as being detrimental to my well-being; and after I did all that I started sending on a different channel, or a new vibrational frequency.
Persistence, hard work, will-power and determination carried me through the hard work; which turned soon into less work and more fun. I had pushed away all the dark energy and replaced it with light; the rewards are nothing short of a miracle.
I am now my own best friend. I know my self-worth and I am the master of my own destiny. I create every single day and I am no longer a passive bystander. I am also no longer a victim, no matter what life throws at me. And oddly enough, the more I keep doing this, the lesser my trials have become. I run on high energy most of the time. When I get disgruntled or annoyed with someone or a situation, I find a way to put it into the right perspective and deal with it accordingly.
I have more heart, and am more emotional than ever; while at the same time no longer feeling emotionally out of control! I can share joy, laughter and happiness, and rarely feel anger, annoyance or sadness. People tell me I have a bounce in my step and that I brighten any room I step into.
When I changed the paradigm from victim to victory, I essentially shifted from darkness to light.