Dear Love,

Today I’m here to tell you that I love you, deeply and truly! You need to know this, because I’ve noticed that you are doing it again. You are doubting, feeling down and worse, you let the fear reign again.

Sweety, you are OK! It’s OK to still go through this. You’ve been trying, I know. You’ve been meditating, visualizing and you’ve purged so much. But, Darling, it takes time. Be patient, I swear it will work out. It always does, remember!?

I know you want to cite past experiences, situations and people, but they don’t matter. You are in the now, now! When you visualize, you’re creating memories from your future. I know that you still struggle with the self-love bit. I know you still sometimes cry when you are asked to visualize that; that’s ok. Because I’ve also noticed how often you laugh now; and how much joy and bliss you’ve experienced as of late.

See, you ARE holding the good thoughts much longer now. You haven’t given up. No, not you, my sweet little fighter. You defiantly wipe away those tears and try again. And that’s why it’ll work out. Your life is amazing, you are loved by so many, go and love yourself like they do. You can. Your light has been shining like a giant beacon. Look around at all these new faces in your life. They all have one thing in common – they smile at you. See, now you are drawing those who not only see you for who you are, but love you because of it. Let’s not disappoint them, by making their love and light meaningless, when we proclaim, if even in the smallest voice, doubts about that offering.

You are the light. You are magnificent and amazing in every way, because of who you are. So, listen well, sweet warrior goddess, I love you. Always and forever.

Love and Light,

Your Higher Self

Carma Phantasmagorica vs. Carmen Honacker

220560_10150165987256158_608941157_6830866_5282098_oPhoto on 2012-09-13 at 16.33

Spiritually/Religion – We’re doing it wrong! What is one of the most defining characteristics of most Western religions? The huge amount of guilt! Take Christianity, don’t do this, don’t do that, and of course, we’d all be blind, amongst other things, by now if any of it were true.

Generally, spirituality claims to be different, and often is on the surface, but then presents us with gems like “The Secret.”

I am no scholar. I do not claim to fully know the laws of the universe and the ways of any god or path. But here is what I do know with certainty; had it not been for the endless babble of making me wrong for each and every low moment, sad feeling, hateful spewing, angry rant, jealous rage, fearful confession and “negative” way of being, I would be quite happy. I would have never experienced depression. I would have never experienced anxiety. I would have never sat around, beating my head to a pulp, because I broke yet another rule of behaving and being and feeling so different and isolated.

The endless rants about being good, being the light, being positive, because negative and dark thoughts breed cancer, illness, break ups, rejections and horrible lives, just kept making me feel worthless, incomplete and never good enough, because I could not achieve these measures of perfection. Watching someone who lost another through death and hearing some jackass telling them they are now in a better place or that it was “god’s will” did not breed comfort, but rage where I actively wanted to punch such a person in the friggin’ head.

Look guys, the truth is, I hate people sometimes. I am sometimes all out of compassion and instead want to beat the crap out of a person. You wrong me, mess with me, hurt me, insult me or worse, hurt people I love, I’m not going to feel compassion and kindness towards you. My first impulse is to come after your ass and make sure that you get what you deserve.
I get sad, super sad. Sometimes I get so sad that I am not sure why I bother living. I get sidetracked, I fall into another pattern I swore I wouldn’t fall into ever again. Sometimes I get reckless. I make dumb decisions, and yes, I did know better, but did it anyway. I fall into lust and sometimes have an almost masochistic need to blow stuff up, just to see what happens in the aftermath; and just because I really, really want to feel alive.
I am selfish at times. I am impatient, judgmental as hell, I cuss a lot, I’m sarcastic and super cynical and arrogant. Yes, I am all of these and then some!

The point is that I am also the opposite; most of the times. But what, if anything, I have learned and still am learning is the fact that I cannot be one without the other. I want to explore. I want to jump off the cliff, I want to experiment and see what happens. I want to spew, rant, rave, I want to punch, I want to yell, be reckless, I want to give in to my whims for the heck of it. I want to see what it feels like to fall without a safety net. Best of all, this may blow up and go badly at times, but hey, it beats being depressed and bored to death, while whining about the things I’ve missed or wished I would have done. And let’s be completely honest here, I am a very high functioning Carmen and would always make sure that my career and my very life is not at jeopardy. For the rest of it, anything goes!

There is a reason that I have Horus, Anubis and Isis tattooed on me. I did not choose angels (although, I challenge anyone to do their research on angels before they judge, because my favorite Archangel Michael, is quite a warrior and smiter). I chose war gods. I chose the god of the heavens, taking revenge on Seth, and raining fire. I chose Anubis, the god of the Underworld, the god of darkness! And lastly, Isis, the goddess of magic and healing and light! Look back throughout history. There is always light and dark and one cannot, will not exist without the other. And if you want to go into a diatribe about your loving god, read the old testament!

Life, so much more fun if you understand that you are perfect just the way you are.

You Are Worthy! – Shifting the Paradigm from Victim to Victory

“Why me?” I have heard this question asked many times before. Geez, I used to ask this question a lot. Somehow, when things are bad in our lives, we tend to believe that some unknown, exterior source is responsible for it all. We feel out of control, “unlucky,” and worse, after a while we completely give up and no longer take any responsibility at all, because we are that convinced that someone or something else is causing all of it.

I used to think that I was born under some unlucky star. I used to think that it didn’t matter what I did (or didn’t do for that matter) I would not and could not succeed. I figured that happiness belonged to a lucky few, who had some kind of secret, or were chosen by some invisible, supernatural lottery; the same lottery who had provided me with the ass card (sorry, a German phrase that will always make me laugh).

As long as I believed this I kept creating it. Nothing worked for me, because I would approach anything and everything already feeling defeated and knowing that I would end up losing. I felt that I had every right to be a victim. I had plenty of reason to support the notion that I deserved to feel low, not good enough and undeserving. There is a certain self-righteousness, stubbornness and almost peace in telling yourself that you are not to blame. And as long as this was my mental reality, no one could convince me, or teach me otherwise.

So how did I change my mind? I guess I started out by observing “happy” people. I really wanted to know what they had that I didn’t. After a while I realized that they were courageous, honest with themselves, actively taking charge of their life and never accepting defeat or seeing themselves as a victim. Some had gone through horrible experiences, involving death and true tragedy (by “true” I mean out of their control circumstances), most of us would have not recovered from. And here they were, finding the strength to go on, fairly untainted, never turning mean, spiteful, vicious or whiny. Whatever they had, I wanted that!

Within all the tragedy I watched those dearest to me go through, I learned a valuable lesson; life may deal you the worst hand ever, but that doesn’t mean you have to turn into a victim, or take it out on others. I also learned that life is what it is and doesn’t require my actions to make it worse or harder on me. Some of us have to work harder on creating lasting happiness than others. This is neither good, nor bad, it just is. I didn’t want to self-sabotage and self-defeat anymore. I didn’t want to be a person who doesn’t contribute, wallows in self-pity and burdens an already sick planet with more negative energy.

I sat down and thought about how often I had undersold and undermined myself. How often I had lowered my standards, my expectations and dreams, downplayed my own abilities, and true being in order to fit in, be liked or “loved.” I had overstepped my own boundaries consistently, and hence, allowed everyone else to overstep them, too. I realized that my life and where I was at on all levels was done by my own creation. I had been given the ass card growing up, but then had been holding on to it throughout adulthood.

I took that card and tore it up. I went to hypnotherapy, psychotherapy, yoga, weight training and running, I started reading again and packed all my time outside of work into things that were healthy and good for me. I had to outsmart myself and leave no room for going back to any old patterns. I distanced myself from people I had long suspected as being detrimental to my well-being; and after I did all that I started sending on a different channel, or a new vibrational frequency.

Persistence, hard work, will-power and determination carried me through the hard work; which turned soon into less work and more fun. I had pushed away all the dark energy and replaced it with light; the rewards are nothing short of a miracle.

I am now my own best friend. I know my self-worth and I am the master of my own destiny. I create every single day and I am no longer a passive bystander. I am also no longer a victim, no matter what life throws at me. And oddly enough, the more I keep doing this, the lesser my trials have become. I run on high energy most of the time. When I get disgruntled or annoyed with someone or a situation, I find a way to put it into the right perspective and deal with it accordingly.

I have more heart, and am more emotional than ever; while at the same time no longer feeling emotionally out of control! I can share joy, laughter and happiness, and rarely feel anger, annoyance or sadness. People tell me I have a bounce in my step and that I brighten any room I step into.

When I changed the paradigm from victim to victory, I essentially shifted from darkness to light.

Create Your Universe – Any Way You Want It

Again, this post can also be found on California Psychics:

Sometimes we get stuck in the past. We drown in self-pity and sorrow over making the wrong choices, over not saying things we should have said and not doing things we should have done. There is no harm done in wondering, but there is a lot of harm in getting stuck in regret over believing that a different decision in the past could have spelled out success in the now. The past cannot be changed, so why dwell on it? I know that it is human nature to imagine “better” for the unknown. Time seems to have a strange way of making bad situations appear better than they truly were. How often, when we were single, did we look back at a mediocre or even bad relationship, somehow remembering it as not that bad? When we look through the eyes of desperation, we not only see things distorted, but we see them through rose-colored glasses that are usually nothing more but a figment of our imagination.

All of us have the power to change our lives drastically. The problem is that most people are looking in the wrong places, believing that outside forces determine happiness and success. In truth, happiness and peace of mind do not come from external sources for most of us, but almost solely from what is within us. Sure, other people have an impact, but we determine just how big that impact has to be.

I understand more than most how difficult it is to not be affected by the continuously bad choices of others. It is very difficult to not get affected when people we care about “make” us feel miserable, and either advertently or inadvertently draw us into their reality. It is hard to not react when they lash out at us or mess up our life because they can’t get it together. It is hard to keep one’s optimism when they make demands, put guilt trips on us, manipulate or simply have no regard for us. It is difficult to keep one’s cool when they strike at yet another part of our core or trigger a bad response. For all these reasons, I keep repeating how important it is to allow only those individuals into our lives who actually support our healthy growth. Going through the steps is hard enough as it is, but it can, and for some people is, nearly impossible to change while being surrounded by those who neither support nor help facilitate your efforts and hard work.

In order to achieve a better life, one has to start changing oneself. If we do not change who we are and how we perceive the world, we will keep attracting more of the same. I keep stressing the importance of environment, but the environment won’t change, no matter how far you move and how different of a group you think you may have bonded with, unless you change your own mind. The same poison can have many different forms and shapes. Again, I have experienced just that when I moved across continents. As long as I remained the same, nothing really shifted for me, even though I was in a different country. The people that showed up had different looks about them, but were essentially the same ones I left behind in Germany. The only thing I changed was geography.

Changing my life means changing who I am, sometimes in my very core. The world looks very different to me now, and so do the people in it. Things that used to trigger me don’t as much anymore. Unfortunately, other things I have never noticed before are suddenly magnified. This whole shift is very uncomfortable and foreign to me. I am, literally, on completely foreign turf. This opens a whole new portal of insecurities I didn’t know existed, while getting rid of others that had been lingering for years. Sometimes there are bursts of strength and optimism, fueled by a whole new slew of wisdom, and other times there is exhaustion and a feeling of being overwhelmed when I look at what is still ahead.

I guess what keeps me going are the successes on the way. There are glimpses of true happiness, not the pseudo happiness I mostly experienced. It is still difficult to act against “my grain.” It is different to walk away instead of facing people head on. It is also foreign to understand when and whom I truly need to confront or trust. Turns out, I really fought a lot of empty battles and therefore had an equally high failure rate.

I now understand more than ever why certain traits such as integrity, honesty, courage and loyalty are magnified for me and why I will always be triggered, deeply hurt and turned off by those who don’t possess them. However, as my journey progresses, my exposure to those who hinder my growth becomes less and less. I spend 5 out of 7 days a week actively on self-improvement. I got rid of the excuses and stopped holding myself back. Happiness does not fall on anyone’s head! It is something that is created. Some of us have been dealt a better hand in life than others, but luck does not create true and lasting happiness. One has to contribute to that. And sitting around complaining and mourning the past and the choices we made back then does not create anything but misery.

I wished I could report that it is easy to walk the path of the creator. Alas, the path is rocky, long, windy and steep. What I can report is shorter spells of doubt, sadness, depression, anger and self-pity, and longer spells of introspection, balance, peace, quiet and empowerment. Some report that I appear happy and perky most of these days and that I have my light back. I don’t think I am quite there yet, but at least I am on the right path! Sometimes I still stomp my foot and pout, whining “why does it have to be so hard?” Then I shrug my shoulders, get a good laugh and answer “well, it is what it is. And I hate to tell you this, but you created most of it. Now get your pudding butt into the gym and we’ll talk a year from now…”

Moving from Dark to Light

The path of “darkness” is the easiest path, because it is the path of least resistance. This is why it is much more tempting to keep doing the wrong thing. Plus, in our current society there aren’t too many consequences to doing the wrong thing, because there are many other like-minded individuals who are on the same path of least amount of work for the highest payout possible. It is easy to play the blame game and even easier to remain in a lovely bubble of denial and illusion. I would almost say that “dark” is the default mode of human beings, because by design we are wired to “go with the flow” and swim downstream, as well as exercise power over those we perceive as weaker and seek out those who support us in our illusions. We are herds in which the most persuasive pack leaders form the opinions of the followers. This is also how wars are fought, how dictators succeed, how kings ruled and how atrocious crimes are committed. 

The path of “light” on the other hand, wards no quick successes. It requires hard work, constant reflection and self-awareness; being open minded and hearted and always trying to grow, while seeking out truth. There is nothing quick or easy about it. The individuals traveling on this path are much harder to find, don’t usually flock together and hardly ever travel with the herd. Unfortunately, they don’t really stand out that often either. They are usually unnoticed, because they are not that driven by ego; hence, they are not the squeaky wheels who make the most noise or appear/dress the loudest. And lastly, they don’t really claim enlightenment, certain abilities or above status, because there is no need for that (think the Dalai Lama, Ghandi or Mother Theresa). They carried/carry a light so big that it requires no explanation at all. 

I cannot claim enlightenment and I am certainly not even close to a Dalai Lama or Mother Theresa. While I have tried from childhood on to travel the path of light, I have often failed and still at times fail miserably. When one is born and raised surrounded by darkness, it is very difficult to not let it become part of your being. We take on the attributes of that which surrounds us most of the time. This is what creates cycles that continue throughout generations. This is also why “like-minded individuals” attract each other. 

My darkness consisted of fear, sadness, anger and regret. I had no ability to let go and I was so jealous of those who belonged to any group. I failed miserably in any type of clique or group setting. I mimicked their behaviors and still couldn’t pass for one of them, which caused more anger and more hurt within me. The pain, anger and fear I carried would make me swing wildly from being extremely strong and self-sufficient, to completely needy and weak. Life felt like one large sprint. I would run at 200 mph, then crash and burn, crawling at snail’s speed. I would learn certain lessons at the speed of light, jump from one level of evolution to the next within a week, and then not get other lessons at all, plateauing for years without any movement. 

How did I get out of this hole and off the path of self-destruction? I guess it started with replacing the dark parts with light parts. I still had my ability to instinctively recognize light, so I would try to seek it out. The more I found examples of those traveling that path, the more I wanted it for myself. I wanted the peace of mind they seemed to sport. I wanted the joy and balance they seemed to experience most of the time, no matter what was thrown at them. I reevaluated who I was all the time and never stopped. I found some people who served as role models and kept me straight. After a while I knew when I was dwelling on the wrong side and when I was not. 

It’s like learning to play the guitar. When you first start out you cannot really hold a tune, your fingers cramp and bleed and you are pretty far from making actual music. But the more you practice, the easier it becomes, until one day you are playing songs. The path of light for me is like learning the guitar. At times I still strike the wrong cord and my song sounds more like nails over a chalk board. My fingers are hurting and cramping and there are times when I want to give up, because “I’ll never be able to play like a true artist.” The work is miserable too. I spend hours in the gym and in therapy, practicing my new found skills in everyday life, while desperately trying to not fall back into my old ways, which are still very ingrained and persuasive. I read a lot again; watch less fluff and more educational programs.
In order to keep on the path I had to shed some of the baggage that was keeping me in the dark and there was nothing easy about that either. It was painful and difficult and wanted to make me give up more than anything else. Adding, in form of a trainer and therapist was easy; letting go of old ways and people who no longer served my well-being was heart-breaking. As I said in the beginning, I could not let go of anyone or anything. 

I still second guess myself a lot. Courtesy of my old wiring. I still want to rekindle old friendships with people who have hurt me, walked out on me, betrayed me or simply were really shitty friends. I still loop at times about these individuals, re-feel the pain and blame myself for their behavior. However, these incidences have become less frequent. When I have a hard day or need to “cool off,” I go to the gym and do cardio. I will literally incline the treadmill up to the highest level, 15, and climb the mountain, literally and figuratively speaking. Or I sit in the steam room or sauna; go swimming for a few rounds or get a manicure. Sometimes I watch a kid’s DVD (I bought the 75 Year Anniversary Box Set of The Wizard of Oz), or go to the movies and watch the newest kid’s flick. Two days ago I was at Starbucks in the morning and played puppet show for my husband with one of the stuffed Christmas mice they had for sale. I bought him (his name is Huxley) and he is sitting on my desk now. 

Doing the right thing and staying on the right path is hard work and yet, it has been the most rewarding journey thus far. More times than not I actually do wake up smiling. I sing a lot these days, I am much goofier and I sure as hell literally see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is said that ignorance is bliss. This might be true on some level. Turns out though, there is more bliss to be experienced when one is actually aware, instead of ignorant 🙂