The Warrior Goddess

Now that it’s still enough, I can actually hear my heart again.

It’s been two years of agonizing heart break for me, desperately trying to put myself back together; and failing quite spectacularly. I guess I’m a great runner. It’s quite astounding how fast I can run and how numb I can go. Here I was thinking that my heart was aching, when the complete lack of tears should have given away how closed off I truly was. But nothing like my old companion of fibromyalgia to remind me again that shutting off one’s heart always lends a great hand to my mind to make the pain a physical reality.  Shut down by pain and fear I had buried myself in my cave, unwilling and unable to come back out. I rarely felt so dead in my life. And then back comes “the other one.”

I guess when all is said and done I’ll always find the warrior goddess in me. The one who puts up one hell of a fight and lives, loves and experiences deeply, fiercely and without fear. There is a reason my mom affectionately called me “kleine Hexe,” German for little witch but in the sense of enchantress, powerful, wise, little one. See, when I was a girl I saw with such clarity; and then I grew up. I guess the world has a way to kill the magic right out of you.

Maybe one can say that I woke up again. It started about three months ago, after experiencing another disappointment, but suddenly thought loud and clear “ha! You know what time it is? It’s fuck this shit o’clock,” And off I went like a rocket.

I did it all at once: started yoga again, added Bikram, swimming, took a seminar “thoughts become things,” started meditating, visualizing and reading again. I’d sit visualizing, repeating the mantra “I don’t know how and when, but it will all work out, because I’m coming back into my power again.” I created a vision board; and I allowed all this stagnant energy to drain. I’d meditate and cry, because I couldn’t believe the messages; at first. But slowly my world started to change. With each moment, day and breath my vision board started to manifest. The images deeply carved into my subconscious mind took form. And then something else happened! My heart resuscitated.

I sit here now on an island, figuratively and literally speaking as I’m in Maui, all alone to celebrate my birthday and my rebirth. I am not quite used to be so open and raw, but how glorious it is to be so alive, to feel everything so vividly and strongly. The pain is getting purged. This poison that ran it all, my mind, body and heart is getting extracted with each passing day.

In a way I’m like the Phoenix; sometimes you gotta die in the fire so you can be reborn in the ashes. There is a small voice that whispers “Ah, but if you are open, you are vulnerable.” Is that so? Well, there will always be some voice that is going to whisper small, doubting and hurtful words. All I’ll do is tilt my head, ever so lightly, listen, acknowledge and then send it packing. Pain may be a part of life, but so is joy, wonder, amusement, ecstasy, happiness and love.

Thoughts become things. I’m going to give mine wings, strength, courage and power. I’ll keep looking at my board, visualize my new reality, put a stupid grin on my face and just for good measure dance naked through my living room to my own music and the beat of my own drum.

When you can remember the warrior and goddess within, manifesting seems such an easy task. Just rip out the sword and slash the shackles that bind you to pieces.

Thoughts become wings. Thoughts become things. Thoughts are reality manifesting right in front of you. So be mindful of every thought and moment, because you may have crashed but you can always soar again. Quitting and running is for losers, but not ever for warriors,

Crazy Is as Crazy Does

not crazy

Ever had the urge to beat the living snot out of someone? How about making up a complete BS story in order to impress another? Have you ever snooped after a partner, because you had the nagging suspicion that he/she might have been lying or cheating? Maybe you stalked the one who dumped you because you were just so obsessed with him/her that you couldn’t help yourself. And then there may have been a situation where you lied through your teeth in order to not face the consequence of the action.

I once asked a psychiatrist how a sociopath could do the things he was doing. I asked how it is possible to not feel regret, remorse, sympathy or empathy at all. His answer was along the lines of “if you would be able to understand it, we’d have a problem. It would make you one of them.” Apparently, all of us have the ability to commit horrible crimes (just think of hate crimes, or what Nazis did in Germany) but what makes the difference is the choices that we make.

Let’s leave chemical imbalance and obvious mental illnesses like schizophrenia out for a moment. Quite often, what makes the difference between sanity and insanity, good or evil, etc. are the actions we take. In other words, the urge by itself does not define you, but the action that you take will.

When people blame circumstances or others for their individual actions, I tend to feel the same amount of astonishment and disbelief I did with the sociopath. I can’t wrap my head around hurting another physically, emotionally, psychologically/mentally or all of the above and claiming that you did what you did due to some exterior force that you had no control over (like being drunk, someone told you so, they started it and so on). At what point do we overwrite common sense, reasoning, logic, decency, morals and ethics and simply move forward with our action? Sure, there are many explanations for why people do what they do, but I still don’t get it.

Sometimes the craziest ideas may overcome us; other times we simply feel so angry or hurt that we can justify whatever means necessary to make that feeling go away, but don’t we also have a responsibility as human beings to not intentionally harm others for our own selfish reason or need?

Most of us don’t want to hurt another or be “bad” people. I have always said that it is impossible for us to always achieve this goal. Sometimes, we hurt others no matter how hard we try not to. But what makes the difference is our intent. Everyone screws up, everyone makes mistakes and some of them will be at someone else’s expense . What always mattered to me is the simple ability to look at myself in the mirror at the end of the day, knowing that I did the best I could, based on the knowledge and information I had at the time.

I think it is good to question oneself. I think it serves us to surround ourselves with those who will question our actions and challenge us in our beliefs and ways of being. If we only spend time with people who agree with us and think alike, we will never grow, which is why I am so weary of “herds” and groups of like minded individuals. Sure, we all want to belong and it is easier to belong with those who think alike or act in ways familiar to us, but therein lies the danger to repeat cycles that continue for generations and for us to never grow past of what we know.

Crazy is as crazy does, and good is as good does. If who we are is defined by our actions and actions are driven by thought, maybe we should all be more mindful of our thoughts and then our actions? Maybe if we questioned more and followed less and sat with being a little uncomfortable in the face of adversity or the unknown, and maybe if we chose our actions less on overthinking and more on the intention to be the best we can be and make a difference, not just for us but also for others, we would feel less crazy, have more control and probably be happier, too. Crazy sometimes is simply a choice; and so is sanity, healthy behavior, love, hate, anger, fear, happy or misery. Happy is as happy does. Think and act on that!

It’s All in Your Head

It sure seems a hard concept to grasp that it truly is all in our head. How we perceive the world, what happens to us (mostly!), what we call reality, how our life turns out, how successful and healthy we are and much more depends on what is in our conscious and even more importantly, in our subconscious mind.

We want reasons to blame and not be responsible. We want to rely on something or someone that we can hold accountable. We want something or someone to tell us that it isn’t up to us, because that makes life so much easier and much less frightening. Anything, really, is easier when we feel it wasn’t our doing or our fault. And yet, knowing that it was our doing and fault adds so much more power to one’s life.

Whatever sits in our subconscious mind creates reality. When we feel useless or not worthy, we will keep creating situations in our life that prove it to us. When we feel we can’t do it, we will fail. Our subconscious is responsible for how we perceive the world and the people in it. It is impossible to be positive, for example, if your subconscious is filled with negativity. It is impossible to create a healthy mind and body, if you believe yourself a victim without any control over anything. The more imbalanced we are in our mind, the more imbalanced our life will be and the more imbalanced individuals and situations we will attract to us.

Who we really are, namely what we truly think and feel, shows to the outside world in our actions. It doesn’t matter how hard we are trying to cover it. Our true self has a way to rear its pretty or ugly head, no matter how hard we may try to convince people otherwise. We may stomp our feet and insist on being nice people, but if we are not, no one real and healthy will buy it. For some, who they think they are and who they actually are don’t even come close. And living in a world were confrontation is shunned and avoided continuously contributes to other people’s stories and illusions of their life and being.

To change one’s mind, literally, means to change one’s life. The more we learn, actively pay attention to our actions, words, thoughts and feelings, the more self-aware we will be, and the more we will actually start altering our reality. It is quite amazing what human beings can do; well, maybe what our brain can do. How successful and happy a person is can be contributed 100% to what is going on in their heads. Some may be successful, but only very few achieve true happiness; because very few have the ability to rewire their hard-drive.

Faulty programming tells us that it is impossible to change. It tells us that we are powerless, possibly worthless and a bunch of other messages we may have accepted as truth a long time ago. Because these messages are true to us, it doesn’t occur that we can change them, or be in total control of them. This is what delusion and denial are all about. When one learns to accept and believe things that are neither true, nor necessarily substantiated by reality, one becomes delusional, powerless and a victim; one becomes out of control.

No matter where we came from or what we’ve endured in the past, we can alter our universe, if we choose to do so. It requires work, hard work, and determination. For some it requires hitting rock bottom and for others not even that won’t change the twisted reality they call life. Sometimes, nothing ever changes a person’s truth or reality; until the day they die. It is therefore important to understand that none of us can change or alter anyone else’s universe/reality or truth. We can only change ourselves.

And how do we do that? We start by understanding what our wiring is; recognizing our faulty patterns and seeking out those who are doing it right! We pick role models, people who inspire us, people who don’t just talk the talk but walk the walk. We surround ourselves with those who continuously challenge us to become the best we can be. We ask for help, if necessary from professionals, and we give an oath to ourselves to not be too proud, too afraid, too lazy or too weak to do what it takes to reach our goals. We surrender to the possibility of a new life and understand that the transition of not knowing how a new life will look like is not going to be easy. We decide what we want and we no longer make excuses or act wishy washy and confused.

Living life wide awake and fully aware of one’s potential and power is the best we can do. What gets created within this space is nothing short of a miracle. It is also the space where we stop being sheep and become leaders and where we go from victims to victors. Wide awake is the only space to create true and lasting success and happiness. All other spaces are just illusion.