The Warrior Goddess

Now that it’s still enough, I can actually hear my heart again.

It’s been two years of agonizing heart break for me, desperately trying to put myself back together; and failing quite spectacularly. I guess I’m a great runner. It’s quite astounding how fast I can run and how numb I can go. Here I was thinking that my heart was aching, when the complete lack of tears should have given away how closed off I truly was. But nothing like my old companion of fibromyalgia to remind me again that shutting off one’s heart always lends a great hand to my mind to make the pain a physical reality.  Shut down by pain and fear I had buried myself in my cave, unwilling and unable to come back out. I rarely felt so dead in my life. And then back comes “the other one.”

I guess when all is said and done I’ll always find the warrior goddess in me. The one who puts up one hell of a fight and lives, loves and experiences deeply, fiercely and without fear. There is a reason my mom affectionately called me “kleine Hexe,” German for little witch but in the sense of enchantress, powerful, wise, little one. See, when I was a girl I saw with such clarity; and then I grew up. I guess the world has a way to kill the magic right out of you.

Maybe one can say that I woke up again. It started about three months ago, after experiencing another disappointment, but suddenly thought loud and clear “ha! You know what time it is? It’s fuck this shit o’clock,” And off I went like a rocket.

I did it all at once: started yoga again, added Bikram, swimming, took a seminar “thoughts become things,” started meditating, visualizing and reading again. I’d sit visualizing, repeating the mantra “I don’t know how and when, but it will all work out, because I’m coming back into my power again.” I created a vision board; and I allowed all this stagnant energy to drain. I’d meditate and cry, because I couldn’t believe the messages; at first. But slowly my world started to change. With each moment, day and breath my vision board started to manifest. The images deeply carved into my subconscious mind took form. And then something else happened! My heart resuscitated.

I sit here now on an island, figuratively and literally speaking as I’m in Maui, all alone to celebrate my birthday and my rebirth. I am not quite used to be so open and raw, but how glorious it is to be so alive, to feel everything so vividly and strongly. The pain is getting purged. This poison that ran it all, my mind, body and heart is getting extracted with each passing day.

In a way I’m like the Phoenix; sometimes you gotta die in the fire so you can be reborn in the ashes. There is a small voice that whispers “Ah, but if you are open, you are vulnerable.” Is that so? Well, there will always be some voice that is going to whisper small, doubting and hurtful words. All I’ll do is tilt my head, ever so lightly, listen, acknowledge and then send it packing. Pain may be a part of life, but so is joy, wonder, amusement, ecstasy, happiness and love.

Thoughts become things. I’m going to give mine wings, strength, courage and power. I’ll keep looking at my board, visualize my new reality, put a stupid grin on my face and just for good measure dance naked through my living room to my own music and the beat of my own drum.

When you can remember the warrior and goddess within, manifesting seems such an easy task. Just rip out the sword and slash the shackles that bind you to pieces.

Thoughts become wings. Thoughts become things. Thoughts are reality manifesting right in front of you. So be mindful of every thought and moment, because you may have crashed but you can always soar again. Quitting and running is for losers, but not ever for warriors,


10 Most Desirable Traits in Human Beings

Here is a blog I wrote for CaliforniaPsychics. The link is here: http://blog.californiapsychics.com/blog/2011/01/10-most-desirable-traits-in-human-beings.html/

No one is free of flaws and quirks. But there are ten personality/character traits that attract the right people and circumstances into one’s life. One could say that these are the character traits of highly successful people.

1. Integrity

The true definition of integrity comes from the Latin word integritas, which means “whole” or “intact.” It encumbers all the traits that make a truly “good” person, such as honesty, being incorruptible, straight and morally upright.

A person with integrity won’t lie, will keep their word and won’t screw you over. They won’t go behind your back, badmouth you, go after another person’s partner or cheat on you, and they adhere to a code of ethics that may make them predictable, but safe to the heart and one’s sanity. No unpleasant surprises come from someone with a high sense of integrity. They follow a code of ethics that tends to be, as the word suggests, incorruptible, and they adhere to principles of common decency.

2. Courageousness

Let’s face it, people. Who wants to be with a coward? Someone who can’t and won’t stand up for their own beliefs will definitely not stand up for you or anyone else. Courageousness may not seem like such a big deal to some, but upon examining history, one notices that cowards are not too different from criminals. Why? Because most atrocious crimes to mankind would not have succeeded had it not been for the silent bystanders and those who looked the other way. No courage usually also means no principles, which will make you expendable for the simple reason that a coward will only do the least effort required and will tug tail and run when true work is required.

3. Sense of Humor

Life has ups and downs. There will be good times, bad times, hard times and easy times. Everything is easier if one keeps a sense of humor, or at least surrounds oneself with those who have one. There is a reason that poll after poll shows that most people desire a sense of humor in their partners. I also feel that someone who makes me laugh most of the time will probably not make me cry too often either. For some odd reason, this equation works for me.

4. Intelligence, Education and Common Sense

I have met plenty of people in my life with high IQs and no common sense. My personal belief is that common sense, social intelligence and “street smarts” are pretty much the same. Being able to solve the most difficult mathematical problems won’t make anyone a great partner or friend, if they cannot hold a conversation, relate to other people at all and have zero social skills. Social skills or relating to others are abilities required to use common sense, which dictates what or what not to do or say in every day settings. Overall, I don’t think any further explanation is required when it comes to this point.

5. Emotionally Open

No one wants to be with someone who is so closed off that they can’t show the most “normal” emotions. If you have ever tried to be friends or have a relationship with someone who has the emotional depth of a rock, you’ll know what I mean. How would someone who has a hard time feeling, or showing feelings, relate to you? I feel that the happy medium is our friend here. There is a difference between someone who is so closed off that they just look at you blankly, or worse, scold you or put you down when you’re feeling sad or miserable, and then there are those who break down as soon as someone looks at them the wrong way. Being able to share one’s heart doesn’t mean that one has to be a weakling or whiner. Someone who can’t feel is usually damaged goods, and lack of depth in emotional matters usually translates into lack of depth in other matters!

6. Kindness

Kindness protects you from all kinds of heart-aches. Kindness is like integrity. A person who possesses kindness will usually keep your heart safe and your best interests in mind. Their willingness to help others also translates into someone who knows how to put another’s needs ahead of their own when needed. A kind person carries a light, and that light tends to attract other “good” people too.

7. Self-Confidence

Everyone is low on confidence now and then. But stay clear of those with literally no self-esteem. A person without self-confidence/self-esteem spells disaster, because they will fail on numerous other “must-haves.” They are usually driven by self-preservation, and will do almost anything to overcome their feelings of inadequacy. This can make them psychotic and distrusting, and possibly even make them into stalkers. Which, in return, almost always ensures dishonesty, a closed heart/inability to truly feel and experience love and joy, a lack of integrity and definitely no courage. They’re usually a bucket with a huge hole in the bottom. No matter how much love and care one will pour into them, it will never be enough to make them feel safe, loved or good enough. After all, it’s impossible to love and care for someone who doesn’t love and care for themselves!

8. Discipline

There are different levels of discipline, that’s for sure. But avoid those who have absolutely no discipline at all. It requires discipline to succeed in life. Anyone who throws in the towel at the first sign of difficulty or opposition will not make a great long-term companion. This is because discipline translates into stamina, i.e. staying power. A person who can’t stick with anything for a longer period of time because it’s uncomfortable or means work is, again, someone who is either not confident or lazy. In either scenario, it’s not going to be a winning situation for you, because if they can’t stick with their own goals, they won’t stick with you either.

9. Generosity

One of the worst people to have in one’s life is a miser. Those who constantly complain about the money they don’t have, especially while spending it on things that don’t serve them, are not only annoying, but also no fun to have around. The opposite of generous is selfish, and who wants to be with a selfish person? Being miserly also tends to show individuals who are very preoccupied with material, i.e. superficial things. Combine that with the constant complaint about not having enough, and you’ll get a good picture of how life with someone who can’t be generous looks like.

10. Self-Awareness

I can’t stress the importance of self-awareness enough. Most people believe themselves to be all kinds of things which they are not. This is due to the fact that they aren’t really all that self-aware, and hence don’t ever check to see if their idea of who they are actually coincides with what other people see about them. Self-awareness is the fine middle ground of truly knowing your strengths and weaknesses without being either completely weak and self-loathing, or arrogant and narcissistic. Self-awareness allows us to know when we are way off our rocker. It allows us to see when we are wrong/screwed up and need to possibly adjust or change certain behaviors and patterns. Self-awareness allows us to look in the mirror and see who we really are; not who we think we are or hoped we were. People without self-awareness cannot grow, because they will never learn from past mistakes. They are literally blind and lost souls, stumbling after what looks and sounds the most appealing. Without self-awareness there is no truth, just illusion; and a perpetual cycle of trying to find what they think will make them happy. If you don’t know who you are, you sure as hell won’t know what makes you happy.

If you cannot be these things yourself, you probably won’t attract them in others. While we will always attract those who challenge us, and may push us to grow and overcome certain things, we still attract those who are like us. The key to finding one’s own happiness is to be the things that you require and wish for in another.