True Love – Make it So

true love

Love – nothing will ever be more elevating, more empowering and more worthwhile than true love. And while all know this, it often seems to elude many of us for various reasons. So we run around disconnected, distracting ourselves, while hoping that the magic answer and bullet will appear, out of thin air, at our doorstep and in our lives.

Love is actually not as elusive and hard to find, if you know what you are looking for; and I believe that is where it becomes difficult. We are sold on what we should believe in and how this love thing should look like, missing that love and how it will appear is vastly different for all of us. We all have different wants, needs and ideals of love, our perfect partner and how we like to be treated, as well as what is and isn’t important to us. So being sold on a fairy tale created by Hollywood is often not only not cutting it, but will sometimes make us feel more off and as if something is wrong with us.

When I look at myself, I can honestly state that I am a hopeless romantic. But for me, romance never showed up in form a perfect house, 2.5 children, a dog and the man that I, as a corporate woman for example, should want and crave. To me, there were many nuances that didn’t fit in any traditional picture and this made me feel incredibly sad, “weird” and different. I wanted something out of this world and that just doesn’t usually come in a traditional form. Meaning, visualizing and craving something society told me to manifest could never work, because it wasn’t what I truly desired.

So, I created my perfect man. I started with a vision board. On this vision board I put all the things I wanted to have in life – money/success, health, love and happiness. I packed the entire board full of all the images that incorporate these concepts in my head. I then hung said vision board on my refrigerator door, where I would have to look at it every day. After this was accomplished, I started meditating and visualizing each aspect depicted. I was specific, VERY specific about the relationship and man I wanted. From his energy and how he should feel like, to all the qualities I personally adore and admire. I created my own, magical unicorn! With each passing day I recalled the image back into my subconscious – then released it to unfold without attachment to when, how and where.

The truth is, each and every one of us is capable to manifest whatever we desire. It takes focus and a little bit of time, and above all commitment and patience. Steady visualization does work. If it is love you are seeking, you might find yourself one day waking up to the very person you’ve been attempting to manifest, realizing that love is real and that your work has paid off.

The Abyss and Why I’m Still Alive














My entire life I’ve carried an image in my head; an image that very much represents the picture I have chosen above. I have always called it “the abyss,” and it represents life and death, sanity and insanity. I remember becoming aware of it the first time when I was in 3rd grade. But, before I continue, I want to make it clear that this isn’t a cry for help, because I feel suicidal and it isn’t a cry for attention either. I am writing this, because I know that there are other “abyss walkers” and I want to let them know that they are not alone and that you can somewhat live with this. Lastly, I’d like to extend a slight warning – the material is brutally honest and may even be uncomfortable for some.

How does one end up at the abyss? I don’t know about others, but I was dragged there by years of emotional, physical and sexual abuse that started when I was about 4 and ended when I was about 18. The trauma I experienced, due to the long period of time it occurred, caused my fibromyalgia, because my brain has “dialed up” all sensory perceptions to super high, at all times, and therefore misfires, interpreting nerve signals as pain and making any type of stimuli, like loud voices/music and sounds, as well as heat, cold or emotional responses stronger, amplifying them and often making them almost unbearable. The inability to no longer “dial it down” but being incapable of registering stress and hence, the ability to walk away or avoid, makes life as if I am living with a giant antenna on my head; one that never sleeps, never stops and has turned me into a recluse, who finds any type of prolonged interaction with most people painful, frustrating, overwhelming and difficult. But the physical, emotional and mental pain are not necessarily the ongoing building blocks to form the abyss; no, what causes the abyss is the overwhelming feeling of not belonging here, on this planet.

When one feels as deeply as I do, nothing is easy. When one lacks the ability to let go and stop “looping,” life becomes an ongoing cycle of torment, trying to stop it, then succumbing to it and starting all over again. Years of therapy and studies in philosophy, psychology and religion helped me get better, but my brain chemistry is permanently altered and trying to change it is what is so incredibly daunting and leaves me feeling defeated and exhausted.

My relationships have been predominantly bad. Not all of them, but the vast majority of them. Fear of intimacy, severe anxiety about being abandoned and the constant doubts I have in myself have been relationship killers. Nothing, though, beats the fact that I send out a signal, a very powerful one I might add, that keeps attracting men who actually confirm my deepest fears. I attract superficial men, who criticize my exterior, sometimes vocally, sometimes in a subtle, passive way, and/or find me otherwise inadequate. I attract commitment phobes, who cannot commit, don’t know what they want and are quick to leave or cheat. I attract a lot of selfish, cruel, severely damaged and cold-hearted men, who cannot feel and usually numb with alcohol, computer games, work, porn and other ways that keep them from truly connecting; men who mercilessly lash out and strike when I speak up or attempt to explain my feelings. Men who judge me worse than I could ever judge myself or others. I attract my father and I attract my mother’s boyfriends, over and over and over and over. So the majority of my life I have felt alone, lonely and abandoned, especially in my relationships. And this dance, this dance of attracting people who cannot love me, then push me away and lash out at me, as well as attracting the same type of selfish, backstabbing and unpredictable people in the companies I often work for, this is what pushes me closer to the abyss.

Everything I do, no matter when, where and how, is near the abyss. I walk as close to the wall as I can, carefully setting one foot ahead of the next, until I get pushed. Then I start slipping. I claw my way to the top again, then slip some more, feeling overwhelmed and rendered powerless when the feelings of inadequacy, self-loathing and fear wash over me. The feelings are so strong that all I can think of is dying, because I am not sure how much longer I can hold on and how much longer I can be the tower of strength the majority of people in my life believe me to be. The absolute fear of potentially being alone forever, because I cannot attract anyone who feels as deeply as I do, leaves me feeling with despair. Was I supposed to have children? Was I supposed to be alone? Maybe I should devote my life to helping others; but isn’t that what I am doing and have been doing anyway? Why are people so shallow, ignorant and selfish? Why…

I know that it is all about loving myself. It’s been a challenge but I don’t stop trying and going for it. I know that I can change the frequency, even though I have failed so far in doing just that. I have, however, deleted any and all dating profiles. My exterior, which misleads people into thinking that I am a wild, crazy party animal who also numbs (I’ve never gotten into drugs or alcohol) cannot be overwritten by a sincere and honest profile that no one reads. My pictures, my looks are misleading, not just in the dating arena, but in all other areas, too. When you live in a society that puts almost all stock in appearances only (the essence of California), it makes it hard for me and all of those who refuse to look mainstream to be “seen.” Why haven’t I simply “conformed” and blended in? Because this look started when I had no identity and had to protect myself from other predators, back when I was a teenager. Asking me to change my look is the same as asking a person with dark skin to be more white.

The abyss is a part of me. I have managed to stay more on the inside by the wall, and less by the edge that would make me fall. It has taught me to avoid severe danger of slipping, by not abusing substances or becoming addicted. The abyss also reminds me how far I have come and teaches me to not be selfish and exercise compassion. For were it not for said lack of selfishness and compassion, I would have jumped a long time ago, instead of keep on balancing, carefully, one foot in front of the other.

I sadly feel incredibly unloved, unwanted and misunderstood. But as a friend of mine just told me “just because you feel that way doesn’t make it so!” I know this, why else would I still be here to talk about it? I ask but one thing of people “don’t judge a book by its cover. Don’t assume by looks and appearances and remember that your actions and especially your words can make or break another; especially an abyss walker.”


The Fecal Matter Construct of Reality


I’ve been pondering for a little while now why there is no argument that can convince another from letting go of their firmly held belief. Sure, I am stubborn and judgmental, but there have been situations where someone pointed out the error of my ways (facts work super well for me), stopped me in my tracks and actually changed my mind. Sometimes, changing my mind required an overhaul of a fundamental belief I held. But the more you learn, the less you can feign ignorance.

So why is it that seemingly intelligent and decent people buy into complete douche baggery and falsehoods – not only about the world they live in but also about who they are? Think of people who argue that the earth is flat! What happens in one’s brain that allows a person to completely dismiss evidence, bypass logic and reason and move on to “WOW!”? I think, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve found the answer and I’m calling it “the fecal matter construct of reality!” I invite you to follow me down the rabbit hole. BTW, this is my theory and I may be completely off my rocker!

Let’s say a person had some rough times, and experienced trauma or other hardships in their life (especially at childhood. The earlier the better!) and finally realizes that what happened wasn’t their fault. Most people want to make sense of what happened; sometimes they blame themselves or believe they could have changed things. Guilt is a powerful emotion, so much so that it causes cancer. Yes, guilt and regret are the top emotions who cause physical illness – there are studies on this topic! However, I digress. So, now we have a person who had something bad happen, may feel guilty, but can’t let go and keeps trying to make sense of the incident(s). Sometimes, the outlook on life and situations has been permanently altered and the brain is the most powerful reality creator that exists. Now we have trauma, combined with the need to make sense and a potentially permanently altered outlook.

When bad things happen, we need comfort. We get comfort in all kinds of ways – drugs, alcohol, prayer/religion, sex, sports, TV, or whatever else that helps numbing or easing our pain. We also have a tendency to attract like-minded individuals. Namely people who support our beliefs, agree with our outlooks and confirm that we are “right.” The older we get, the more the network of potentially false beliefs grows. We learned that some actions cause less pain than others and that there are people who are in alignment with that believe, hence supporting whatever we say. By the time we reach a certain age/have repeated this pattern for years, we are no longer able to distinguish between our reality and the reality of, let’s say, the rest of the world. Each time someone challenges the hive (our neuro network), we fight, lash out and stomp out the intruder. If we have kids, we pass our “proven” knowledge on to them. In time and with sufficient breeding power, you may have an entire army of people, all convinced that they are absolutely right and supported by many others who feel the same. The entire system is literally built on a pile of shit and there is no one out there who can challenge it, because this truly is their reality.

The paradox for myself is that I am judgmental and opinionated. And yet, I have always wanted to find people who challenge my reality. I went through great lengths and read a LOT of books and articles, spanning from psychology, religion, unexplained phenomena and philosophy, over spirituality, drugs/chemicals and psychiatry. I started the quest of “why people do the things they do and are the way they are” when I was in 3rd grade! Living with a highly unstable mother, after leaving a violent and sadistic father, convinced me that there must be a reason they did what they did.

I’ve got news to report! I still don’t know the answer, but I am a lot closer to understanding what drives behavior. I also learned to consistently challenge my reality and myself. I was strategic in this quest. I looked for people who were the opposite of who I was and observed and learned. When choosing role models, I chose exceptionally smart and successful people – they often came in form of bosses or teachers, but sometimes in form of friends I’ve made. After studying what they do different, I would simply mimic their behavior. This very ability helped me to succeed more times than I can count. And while I still have firm beliefs of right and wrong, I am much more flexible in the definition of who constitutes a bad person and who does not.

Lastly I learned a truth that is still at times hard to execute on: Just  because I am right, does not mean I get to hurt/belittle/correct/fight or hate the other!!! I think that’s where it all fails for humanity. Knowing that we are right doesn’t give us the reason to be cruel or “destroy” the other. Watching actions of people who may or may not have been right, still turned me off to listening to them because of how they went about it. Douche baggery never convinced anyone; just like war never changes anything and hardly puts the wrong things right. But watching actions of a person like Mother Theresa, Gandhi or the Dalai Lama has inspired me in the past to be more mindful and sometimes has changed my mind. Sometimes the actions would come in form of an actor/actress I really admire, but the outcome was the same: I instinctively realized that they had a light that I aspired to have and that made it good enough for me to try out their ways.

At the end of the day, being right does not change the world. I think all one can do is striving to be open, kind, compassionate and caring equally! It’s easy to be these things to those who agree with you and treat you amazingly well. But helping and trying to understand people who are less fortunate or on the exact opposite end of the spectrum could make changes. After all, imagine if we all lived in a world where everyone helped everyone and religion, color, status and sexual preference did not matter at all, but who we are as people did!? I can’t bitch about others being asshats, while also engaging in douche baggery. So I will keep trying to stop my own negativity and crap, before I move on to want to change others. I don’t want to be a hater!

Except of Rush Limbaugh! I still think he is a douche canoe and I still hope his ass gets torn apart by diarrhea 😀