Why It Truly Doesn’t Matter

Love

I’ve noticed an interesting pattern with myself and many people that I know. It’s the pattern of assigning meaning to the things we should, in fact, ignore. 

Ever notice how we tend to look at our successes with an almost shoulder-shrugging, disconnected and strangely indifferent attitude, while we take rejection to a whole new level of cray cray? When I take stock of my life on a logical level, I’d have to see that my wins clearly outnumber my failures, and yet, I still often find myself measuring myself by the times I experienced rejection, loss or defeat. My brain seems to have an uncanny ability to zoom right in on the negative, mourning the loss of an opportunity or relationship, while it quite deliberately ignores the greatness I achieve/have achieved.

Somehow, I assign great meaning to rejection. Being turned down for a job, promotion or by a guy suddenly means that I am maybe insufficient, not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough or otherwise simply undesirable. This is the great lie I was lead to believe a long time ago. And yes, it is a lie. Let me tell you why it is important to choose the right perspective and how to go about it.

Beating yourself up and blaming yourself for what someone else chose and did is the most hurtful thing you can do to yourself. The truth is that people do, think and say whatever they want and there is nothing you can do about it. You don’t have control over another’s actions; you only have control over your own actions and perspectives. Yes, if certain situations keep repeating, you may want to evaluate why you choose people who treat you a certain way, but to believe that their actions reflect on who you are in any way, shape or form is simply toxic; and again, not even true.

In the past, when a guy rejected me I’d make it about me being not good enough. But what if it merely means that they are not the one I want!? Why would I want anyone who doesn’t clearly see me? To quote one of my Besties, “you are one of a kind. Anyone who does not recognize that isn’t worth it.” I thought about this statement long and hard and realized that I truly had it backwards.

When I would meet someone that I liked and they didn’t like me back, I’d go back in my mind and have the conversation of “If I would only not have said/done this or that, and done/said such and such instead.” I am sure many can relate to that. And yet, this is the very thought process we should reject. Why in the world would anyone even do who requires censoring? Why would we blame ourselves readily, instead of standing proudly in who we truly are? Why would I beat myself up over being too intense, when I know that there is someone out there who’d look at my intensity with a great big grin and a “whoohoo!” Why do we assume that this one person, who usually knows nothing about us, is more valuable than the ones who love and like us precisely for the things that truly make us the unique people we are?

Yes, being rejected is uncomfortable. I think it’s human to respond with an initial knee jerk reaction of “ack,” and feeling sad. But in the great big scheme of life it truly doesn’t matter. So I got rejected? Next! All rejection means is that I am still available for the awesome person who thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread. Because I want the man who looks at me and thinks “HELL YES!”.

Sometimes people look great on the surface and sometimes we may project what we want into them, but the truth is that nothing feels quite like the true, authentic click and spark that happens when you meet your true match. If I have to censor who I am, what I say, how I look and what I stand for, I am not with the one; it’s as simple and honest as that. True connection is not built on superficial attraction and projection of what we want to see and would like to have. True connection is built on trust in knowing that you are safe being yourself, and admired, wanted and loved for just that. So don’t attach meaning to someone rejecting you. Instead, realize that your “whoohoo” is still about to happen, because that is what you want and deserve anyway.

The key is knowing that what you truly deserve and want is, in fact, possible. It’s the how and when you gotta let go. Lightning could strike tomorrow – in the most unexpected ways and places and everything around it will fall into place, without you censoring who you are.


Rejection – Part II

Rejection

Having talked yesterday about rejection being a good thing, because we generally have something/someone better waiting for us, I’d like to talk today about the deserved rejection we get when we stubbornly refuse to learn a lesson. However, make no mistake, even when rejection occurs due to our own actions, it is still a good thing and here is why.

As previously stated, I do believe that we always get exactly what we are asking for. Remember, thoughts DO become things. However, this very process spells out disaster for all of those who have low/no self-confidence, are broken, haven’t done any soul searching and just allow their fears to run rampant. Again, in order to keep it real, I will use myself as the example, to demonstrate how sometimes we are our own worst enemy.

I am an extremist. I don’t do moderation well, so when I choose to engage in anything, be it a sport, a certain look, getting a tattoo, liking or disliking someone, or a job and loving or hating, I do so 200%, all the way, with nothing left in the middle.This extreme way of being sometimes works extraordinarily well; especially in my career. My passion about always doing the right thing, no matter what, works great in an environment where I am catching bad people and attempt to stop them from doing bad things to others. However, when I take this passion of mine and apply it randomly to everything in my life, I often end up creating situations I didn’t quite hope for. To say it bluntly, I can be a tornado, that comes in, swirls and twists and runs over everything in its path. I suffer from eternal diarrhea of the mouth and instead of measured and well thought out responses, I just say and do whatever seems like a good idea at the time. Don’t get me wrong, there is beauty in my honesty, but there is no beauty in putting someone on the spot, expecting them to work, think or feel as fast as I do. Moderation is the better way and while I’ve been working hard on being better in that department, I still fail at times.

So when I think of some of the times I have been rejected, I can clearly see that the outcome may have been in my favor, had I only slowed down and presented my thoughts and feelings honestly, but not forcefully. My highly analytical mind has done a great job in understanding that sometimes, well, I created my own disappointment. It also made me realize that my approach needs some tweaking and that altering a behavior does not mean you are doing so, because “no one accepts you the way you are,” but because you want to be the best you can be and create space for only the best people to come in. Being imbalanced will rarely bring in the highest caliber of situations and people. This is the absolute of the law of attraction. Like-minded energy attracts each other.

I often cursed those experiences that left me heartbroken and shattered, but only in the moment. In hindsight, the sum of my experiences made me the person that I am. It allowed me to clearly figure out not only who I really am, but what I really need and want in my life. It allowed me to create, manifest and visualize the things that make me happy, even though this process is hard work. It requires brutal honesty with oneself and absolute authenticity in all your ways of being. It means that you have to be vigilant, about each and every word, thought and feeling you have and extend into the world, and understand how they actually shape your reality. Happiness requires accountability, never blame and finger pointing. 

Which brings me to my last piece of advice, which I am going to give straight from my heart: Don’t ever, ever roll your past into the present or future! Yes, we create, map and draw into existence based on the things we know, but if you are not sure if what you know is enough, watch those who are doing it right, or get help from an expert. Find someone who can help you keeping it real. Someone who will honestly tell you if you are “doing it again,” whatever the false and destructive feeling and thought may be that compels you to potentially make another stupid mistake.

Don’t punish, project and accuse people of things someone else has done before, therefore pushing away the ones who should be in your life. Each day and each experience is new and offers a completely blank canvas and clean slate. The past served its purpose in making you the person that you are today; and this is where it ends. Now go into the world and land that amazing new job, start that new project and if you are single, find the person who takes your breath away and helps you evolve into the person you are meant to be, allowing you to live  an absolute extraordinary life.


Why You Should Jump For Joy When You Are Rejected

Rejection

 

Most of my life I used to be one of the people who would feel terribly sad when someone rejected me. It didn’t matter if it was in jobs, friendships or relationships, rejection was always a huge slap in the face. I’d take it personal and wonder what I did, or why I wasn’t good enough. It never occurred to me that maybe rejection is the best thing that could have happened to me. It also didn’t occur to me that what I think I wanted or needed so badly was, in fact, the worst that could have been.

There is a whole story behind being a victim of “I never get what I want.” The truth is, that we generally get exactly what we want and just ignore the fact that we managed to manipulate ourselves into thinking that this is the best we can do. It doesn’t matter if we span this construct over jobs, friends or relationships. I’d like to use the relationship example!

Remember the time when you first met that person that ended up cheating on you, hurting you, letting you down, leaving you or otherwise wrong you? Remember how great they looked on paper, how much you lusted after them, or simply projected whatever you wanted to see, therefore happily ignoring all the red flags he/she threw up way before it got too serious or too emotionally charged for you to walk away. We do a fine job in looking the other way when we really want something or someone, or have a wrong sense of loyalty attached to those who don’t deserve it. We are also not very honest in that process. We are, however, amazing in crying over the fact that we attracted, yet again, another person who wasn’t “the one.”

I’m going to make it a bit personal for a moment. I look back on the relationships that seriously failed; meaning, I got my heart shredded into pieces, to the point where I thought I could never repair it again. Each and every time, I knew from the beginning that this is going to end in severe tragedy. I could tell he was <—insert deal breaker here, and deliberately ignored it. I would reason with myself by saying that I had not enough information, that I may be wrong, that I may have misinterpreted the words and actions and the worst of all, that he may change (his mind/being). I stubbornly ignored all signs, including those that would have made it abundantly clear that this isn’t the person I should be with. See, they remained exactly who they were the entire time, it was I who wanted more respect, love or care than they could have ever given me to begin with.

Now, looking back on my own behavior, I can say that being rejected or treated in ways that were hurtful or unkind, was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The thing is that the jobs and people I lost were always replaced with much better situations, provided I didn’t go and do the same mistake again! If I would have stood firmly in what I believe, who I am, what I want and what I need, I would have gotten that. Instead, I settled because of a deep rooted belief that maybe this is as good as it gets, or maybe that I owed them love, help or care. It never even occurred to me that not having them in my life was much better than being miserable and having to censor myself around them all the time.

I pay a lot of attention these days. Not to what someone is doing, but to how I am feeling. My gut is a great guide and much better advisor than my emotions or my head. I find that I, and my friends, all talk too much. Round and round we go in circles why this situation is so frustrating and below us, all the while doing absolutely nothing. I am becoming a doer more and more. I don’t analyze anymore why this and that is off, or why I liked someone or a situation that clearly spells out disaster, I just acknowledge it and do my best to walk away before it becomes an issue. Notice that it doesn’t even have to be a disaster, maybe it’s simply not what you want. Settling is also not our friend.

I realize that the same person has made an appearance in my life over and over, showing up as a boss, co-worker, friend or partner. It is the egotistical, narcissistic, disloyal, severely damaged, dishonest with themselves and others, not-quite-able-to-feel-at-all type that neither loves me, nor nourishes or positively adds to my life type. The person that keeps leaving me drained, tired and questioning my very core of being. The type that lashes out, accuses me of stuff, ungrateful and entitled; the type who never changes, sometimes talks a whole lot or not at all, but never acts. The lazy type that tells everyone how self-aware they are, when they have no clue how they are affecting others, or who they really are, because actually standing in integrity would be way too much work for them. You know, this includes the finger pointers and eternal victims, who are never to blame for anything.

Here is what I do know. I know that I am lovable, deserving, successful, competent, sexy and awesome because I am who I am in its entirety. There is nothing wrong with me and it isn’t my job to figure out why I am not enough for some, or apparently, merely an ego booster or temporary distraction for others. It is my job to recognize when someone treats me in ways I don’t wish to be treated, continuously oversteps and ignores my boundaries, is talking behind my back, or deliberately uses or hurts me. It is then also my job to walk away, without the long diatribe about why they are asshats. It suffices to understand that they are not serving my greatest good and as such, are not suitable, or allowed to be a part of my life.

So, while I am still sometimes off, at least they are doing me a great service by walking away and/or rejecting me. Thank you! Thank you for saving me the time to find out the hard way that you are not it, or wasting years of my life with your BS. Thank you for understanding that you don’t belong into my life and chose to run for the hills. You think you can do better? Well, so do I! See you, never. With love.