Why It Truly Doesn’t Matter


I’ve noticed an interesting pattern with myself and many people that I know. It’s the pattern of assigning meaning to the things we should, in fact, ignore. 

Ever notice how we tend to look at our successes with an almost shoulder-shrugging, disconnected and strangely indifferent attitude, while we take rejection to a whole new level of cray cray? When I take stock of my life on a logical level, I’d have to see that my wins clearly outnumber my failures, and yet, I still often find myself measuring myself by the times I experienced rejection, loss or defeat. My brain seems to have an uncanny ability to zoom right in on the negative, mourning the loss of an opportunity or relationship, while it quite deliberately ignores the greatness I achieve/have achieved.

Somehow, I assign great meaning to rejection. Being turned down for a job, promotion or by a guy suddenly means that I am maybe insufficient, not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough or otherwise simply undesirable. This is the great lie I was lead to believe a long time ago. And yes, it is a lie. Let me tell you why it is important to choose the right perspective and how to go about it.

Beating yourself up and blaming yourself for what someone else chose and did is the most hurtful thing you can do to yourself. The truth is that people do, think and say whatever they want and there is nothing you can do about it. You don’t have control over another’s actions; you only have control over your own actions and perspectives. Yes, if certain situations keep repeating, you may want to evaluate why you choose people who treat you a certain way, but to believe that their actions reflect on who you are in any way, shape or form is simply toxic; and again, not even true.

In the past, when a guy rejected me I’d make it about me being not good enough. But what if it merely means that they are not the one I want!? Why would I want anyone who doesn’t clearly see me? To quote one of my Besties, “you are one of a kind. Anyone who does not recognize that isn’t worth it.” I thought about this statement long and hard and realized that I truly had it backwards.

When I would meet someone that I liked and they didn’t like me back, I’d go back in my mind and have the conversation of “If I would only not have said/done this or that, and done/said such and such instead.” I am sure many can relate to that. And yet, this is the very thought process we should reject. Why in the world would anyone even do who requires censoring? Why would we blame ourselves readily, instead of standing proudly in who we truly are? Why would I beat myself up over being too intense, when I know that there is someone out there who’d look at my intensity with a great big grin and a “whoohoo!” Why do we assume that this one person, who usually knows nothing about us, is more valuable than the ones who love and like us precisely for the things that truly make us the unique people we are?

Yes, being rejected is uncomfortable. I think it’s human to respond with an initial knee jerk reaction of “ack,” and feeling sad. But in the great big scheme of life it truly doesn’t matter. So I got rejected? Next! All rejection means is that I am still available for the awesome person who thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread. Because I want the man who looks at me and thinks “HELL YES!”.

Sometimes people look great on the surface and sometimes we may project what we want into them, but the truth is that nothing feels quite like the true, authentic click and spark that happens when you meet your true match. If I have to censor who I am, what I say, how I look and what I stand for, I am not with the one; it’s as simple and honest as that. True connection is not built on superficial attraction and projection of what we want to see and would like to have. True connection is built on trust in knowing that you are safe being yourself, and admired, wanted and loved for just that. So don’t attach meaning to someone rejecting you. Instead, realize that your “whoohoo” is still about to happen, because that is what you want and deserve anyway.

The key is knowing that what you truly deserve and want is, in fact, possible. It’s the how and when you gotta let go. Lightning could strike tomorrow – in the most unexpected ways and places and everything around it will fall into place, without you censoring who you are.

Breaking Up with Integrity

There is nothing worse in life (at least temporarily) than getting your heart broken. But it gets even worse when insult and humiliation is added to injury; usually because the one breaking up does not have the integrity, balls or decency to be honest, maybe because a) they might not know how and b) they probably hate confrontation.

It is never easy to break up with someone. One of the worst lines in the world is the good old “it’s not you, it’s me…” BS line. Uhm, no, it IS actually you, because if you’d be the one, I wouldn’t dump your butt right now.

The issue is that sometimes people get into relationships they should have never gotten into from the start; reasons include “I was lonely,” and “it made sense at the time.” Sometimes we change who we are/were when we met the person, and other times we may fall out of love; to name a couple reasons. The truth is that it usually takes two to break a relationship; unless you are a jerk (and no, I am not going into detail here regarding what constitutes a relationship jerk).

At the end of the day, the worst thing one can do is to keep dragging it out, because you are too afraid to say how you feel. Most people rather not deal with any confrontation anyway; and then, there is the fine line between being honest and being cruel. However, if you got into the relationship, you should have the decency to get out of it, instead of being inconsiderate and selfish enough to waste another person’s time and breaking their heart.

So how does a person break up with integrity? Well, the first step is absolute honesty. This can include explaining that maybe you are at a weird cross-road in life where you need to figure out what your path is. When we communicate with honesty and an open heart, even the worst messages are at least heard. Telling someone where you truly are at in life and explaining to your partner that this really doesn’t have enough to do with them (this is where it truly is you, not them) will generally deliver the message gently enough to do the least amount of damage.

What people are not open to is BS. Telling someone that it isn’t them but you, when you can’t even explain yourself correctly will only deliver one message, namely that you are rejecting them for something they did or for something they are lacking. This will also often backfire and launch the dumpee into “fix it,” or “chase” mode. They are thinking that they did something, which means to them that they can do something to fix it. The heart-break is going to be worse, once they realize that you’ve cowardly abandoned them and lied to them on top of it all.

I broke up with two of my long-term boyfriends. I did so by sitting them down and truly opening my heart, sharing what space I was in and why I couldn’t continue my path with them. I delivered my message with raw honesty and clearly showing how much I cared for them and respected them. I did not take their dignity, nor did I insult them or blame them for anything that was going on with me. As a result, I am great friends with them to this day. There was and still is no animosity, anger or resentment between us.

It is not ever OK to drag out a break-up. Doing so only makes you look like a selfish and heartless tool. It also isn’t OK to simply run, lie or worse, move on to someone else. It doesn’t matter if you believe in karma or not, but how you treat others does and will come back to you. I, for one, always remember that in how I treat those around me.

In my opinion, there are plenty of people who have neither the emotional, nor mental maturity to be in a relationship. The sad thing is that it is usually that type who not only does get into one, but also does the most amount of damage to others. The only thing you can do to not get your heart broken by them is to make sure that you don’t engage in anything with “the type,” but pay attention to who they are, how they behave and whom they hang out with from the very beginning.

Hearts are too precious to waste. So make sure you take care of yours; and those who entrust you with theirs!