True Love – Make it So

true love

Love – nothing will ever be more elevating, more empowering and more worthwhile than true love. And while all know this, it often seems to elude many of us for various reasons. So we run around disconnected, distracting ourselves, while hoping that the magic answer and bullet will appear, out of thin air, at our doorstep and in our lives.

Love is actually not as elusive and hard to find, if you know what you are looking for; and I believe that is where it becomes difficult. We are sold on what we should believe in and how this love thing should look like, missing that love and how it will appear is vastly different for all of us. We all have different wants, needs and ideals of love, our perfect partner and how we like to be treated, as well as what is and isn’t important to us. So being sold on a fairy tale created by Hollywood is often not only not cutting it, but will sometimes make us feel more off and as if something is wrong with us.

When I look at myself, I can honestly state that I am a hopeless romantic. But for me, romance never showed up in form a perfect house, 2.5 children, a dog and the man that I, as a corporate woman for example, should want and crave. To me, there were many nuances that didn’t fit in any traditional picture and this made me feel incredibly sad, “weird” and different. I wanted something out of this world and that just doesn’t usually come in a traditional form. Meaning, visualizing and craving something society told me to manifest could never work, because it wasn’t what I truly desired.

So, I created my perfect man. I started with a vision board. On this vision board I put all the things I wanted to have in life – money/success, health, love and happiness. I packed the entire board full of all the images that incorporate these concepts in my head. I then hung said vision board on my refrigerator door, where I would have to look at it every day. After this was accomplished, I started meditating and visualizing each aspect depicted. I was specific, VERY specific about the relationship and man I wanted. From his energy and how he should feel like, to all the qualities I personally adore and admire. I created my own, magical unicorn! With each passing day I recalled the image back into my subconscious – then released it to unfold without attachment to when, how and where.

The truth is, each and every one of us is capable to manifest whatever we desire. It takes focus and a little bit of time, and above all commitment and patience. Steady visualization does work. If it is love you are seeking, you might find yourself one day waking up to the very person you’ve been attempting to manifest, realizing that love is real and that your work has paid off.


Time is Precious

TimeTime is precious. It is by far one of the most important commodities in our lives. This is why it is important to treasure every moment and make the best out of things, no matter what.

As of late I have been paying more attention to how I spend my time and whom I spend it with. l realized how “careless” and freely I have given away my time to people and activities that weren’t worth it.

The thing is that I have always been very good about freely offering my time, help, heart and loyalty to anyone who’d ask for it. It didn’t occur to me that it was OK for me to ask for the same in return. I therefore found myself frequently around people who never seemed to be able to make any effort for me; and at times, didn’t even seem to care about me all that much. This made me an easy target for users, narcissists or selfish individuals.

Taking stock of what I do, how I do it and with whom, has made a huge difference in how I feel. I am less angry, because I don’t consistently feel being used. I am less sad or feeling bad, because I am able to prioritize my own wants and needs, clearly state boundaries and do more things I enjoy doing. I cut out the dialogue about things I should be doing, the feelings of obligation and most importantly, the self-imposed rules I had lived by for most of my life. Freedom of mind and heart came when I stopped worrying and deliberately did the opposite of what I used to do. I had a brand new outlook “what do I have to lose?” Turns out, I had everything to gain! I have felt more alive and happy and have had very little, mostly even no pain.

Being out in the world is extremely fun, provided one is fully present and alive. So, when it comes to your time, spend it wisely. I am learning that it is not just OK, but actually important to be choosy and selective. A friend recently told me that I should only give my all to someone who is worthy. I think “all” includes one’s time. So today, I am making new choices and these include not giving time to people who give nothing but only seem to remember me when they need or want something from me. Time, it’s precious, as is your heart – choose wisely whom you give them to. Choose people who are worthy of you and your time.


Why You Should Jump For Joy When You Are Rejected

Rejection

 

Most of my life I used to be one of the people who would feel terribly sad when someone rejected me. It didn’t matter if it was in jobs, friendships or relationships, rejection was always a huge slap in the face. I’d take it personal and wonder what I did, or why I wasn’t good enough. It never occurred to me that maybe rejection is the best thing that could have happened to me. It also didn’t occur to me that what I think I wanted or needed so badly was, in fact, the worst that could have been.

There is a whole story behind being a victim of “I never get what I want.” The truth is, that we generally get exactly what we want and just ignore the fact that we managed to manipulate ourselves into thinking that this is the best we can do. It doesn’t matter if we span this construct over jobs, friends or relationships. I’d like to use the relationship example!

Remember the time when you first met that person that ended up cheating on you, hurting you, letting you down, leaving you or otherwise wrong you? Remember how great they looked on paper, how much you lusted after them, or simply projected whatever you wanted to see, therefore happily ignoring all the red flags he/she threw up way before it got too serious or too emotionally charged for you to walk away. We do a fine job in looking the other way when we really want something or someone, or have a wrong sense of loyalty attached to those who don’t deserve it. We are also not very honest in that process. We are, however, amazing in crying over the fact that we attracted, yet again, another person who wasn’t “the one.”

I’m going to make it a bit personal for a moment. I look back on the relationships that seriously failed; meaning, I got my heart shredded into pieces, to the point where I thought I could never repair it again. Each and every time, I knew from the beginning that this is going to end in severe tragedy. I could tell he was <—insert deal breaker here, and deliberately ignored it. I would reason with myself by saying that I had not enough information, that I may be wrong, that I may have misinterpreted the words and actions and the worst of all, that he may change (his mind/being). I stubbornly ignored all signs, including those that would have made it abundantly clear that this isn’t the person I should be with. See, they remained exactly who they were the entire time, it was I who wanted more respect, love or care than they could have ever given me to begin with.

Now, looking back on my own behavior, I can say that being rejected or treated in ways that were hurtful or unkind, was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The thing is that the jobs and people I lost were always replaced with much better situations, provided I didn’t go and do the same mistake again! If I would have stood firmly in what I believe, who I am, what I want and what I need, I would have gotten that. Instead, I settled because of a deep rooted belief that maybe this is as good as it gets, or maybe that I owed them love, help or care. It never even occurred to me that not having them in my life was much better than being miserable and having to censor myself around them all the time.

I pay a lot of attention these days. Not to what someone is doing, but to how I am feeling. My gut is a great guide and much better advisor than my emotions or my head. I find that I, and my friends, all talk too much. Round and round we go in circles why this situation is so frustrating and below us, all the while doing absolutely nothing. I am becoming a doer more and more. I don’t analyze anymore why this and that is off, or why I liked someone or a situation that clearly spells out disaster, I just acknowledge it and do my best to walk away before it becomes an issue. Notice that it doesn’t even have to be a disaster, maybe it’s simply not what you want. Settling is also not our friend.

I realize that the same person has made an appearance in my life over and over, showing up as a boss, co-worker, friend or partner. It is the egotistical, narcissistic, disloyal, severely damaged, dishonest with themselves and others, not-quite-able-to-feel-at-all type that neither loves me, nor nourishes or positively adds to my life type. The person that keeps leaving me drained, tired and questioning my very core of being. The type that lashes out, accuses me of stuff, ungrateful and entitled; the type who never changes, sometimes talks a whole lot or not at all, but never acts. The lazy type that tells everyone how self-aware they are, when they have no clue how they are affecting others, or who they really are, because actually standing in integrity would be way too much work for them. You know, this includes the finger pointers and eternal victims, who are never to blame for anything.

Here is what I do know. I know that I am lovable, deserving, successful, competent, sexy and awesome because I am who I am in its entirety. There is nothing wrong with me and it isn’t my job to figure out why I am not enough for some, or apparently, merely an ego booster or temporary distraction for others. It is my job to recognize when someone treats me in ways I don’t wish to be treated, continuously oversteps and ignores my boundaries, is talking behind my back, or deliberately uses or hurts me. It is then also my job to walk away, without the long diatribe about why they are asshats. It suffices to understand that they are not serving my greatest good and as such, are not suitable, or allowed to be a part of my life.

So, while I am still sometimes off, at least they are doing me a great service by walking away and/or rejecting me. Thank you! Thank you for saving me the time to find out the hard way that you are not it, or wasting years of my life with your BS. Thank you for understanding that you don’t belong into my life and chose to run for the hills. You think you can do better? Well, so do I! See you, never. With love.


Thoughts, Beliefs and Other Stuff

poster-happy-feel-less-med

For the past few months I have done quite a bit of soul searching. I did my “infinite possibilities” training and started meditating and visualizing again. Within these new parameters I discovered a few interesting truths about me. Some of them are pretty amazing and others are not so inspiring. The most important part I’ve re-learned is that my subconscious selection process in regards to my life choices showed some interesting patterns I wasn’t aware of. OK, let me rephrase that, maybe I was aware of the patterns to a degree, but not so much about the power I have to choose. I had truly forgotten.

In the past I was often baffled by my ability to make fairly good career moves. Sure, I can report some failures, but for the most part I had chosen pretty well when it came to my professional life. I was also pretty good in visualizing and creating most material things I’ve wanted, like cars and my house. My friend selections can be reported as quite successful, too. Again, a few choices resulted in failure, but the overall outcome was good and I still have a handful of super close friends I’ve had for more than 10 years. 

My health has always been challenging, starting when I was in 1st grade. However, I can report that I dealt with my challenges quite well; and still do. I never gave in and I never gave up and while I am often in a lot of pain, fibromyalgia doesn’t get the best of me. I can honestly report that the refusal to give up and choosing how I look at my condition keeps the outcome under enough control to not fall into complete and utter despair and instead, live a fairly qualitative life. The one thing I never truly mastered was relationships of the romantic kind. Again, not all were bad. As a matter of fact, the majority of them were decent. However, just like with the few bad friends I had, the small handful of bad relationships were so bad that they managed to instill certain negative behavioral patterns, because I had come to believe that my inability to “foresee” the outcome and to pick the right partner, meant that I was somehow deficient, incompetent, unworthy and non-deservant. It never occurred to me that these beliefs were lies. It never occurred to me that, besides choosing to be there and stay, it truly wasn’t my fault when people treated me badly.

One of my friends and role models recently posted Part 1 of this article on FB. I am going to post part 2, but you can read part 1 by clicking on the link on the top.

http://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner-part-2.html

Along with all the things I’ve learned recently, this article hit me like a ton of bricks; in a good way! I am now understanding that it is all my choice and with that comes a strange new freedom. I finally start to see that the “romantic” notion of love is not what makes a relationship successful. I’ve learned this lesson just recently, when I realized how much easier it was to be with someone I consider my best friend (the one who can withstand the “traffic test”), the one who can make me feel home (not judging me by superficial standards, having enough in common with me and giving me a genuine feeling of belonging) and finally, a person who is determined, or shall I say, committed to being with me and consistently act, speak and choose in ways that demonstrate said commitment. All the other stuff is fluff!

There used to be a time when I had checkboxes – I got rid of them. No, it doesn’t mean I dropped all my standards. I had to learn the difference between standards and superficial ego as well. I used to feel guilty for wanting someone who is financially stable. It didn’t even mean super rich. It meant that he is able to take care of himself and that he has ambition and passion, because I am a person with a lot of ambition and passion. I am someone who strives to have the best life possible and I can’t have that with someone who is unstable – financially, emotionally, mentally and physically. I used to feel guilty for having the minimum standards, because I despised superficial people my entire life. Until I realized that hair color, body type, car and all this other “fluff” meant nothing. Yes, I have one “superficial” thing (he has to be taller than me) and I found that it’s OK to want that. I also understand that there has to be initial attraction and chemistry, although I have to say that what causes this “spark” has drastically changed over the past 10 years.

There was a time when I had a type. My type has always been super tall and “unusual” looking. Long hair, tattoos, goth/punk/rock look, piercings, etc. drew me big time. I’d seek these types out and stubbornly refused to date a “normal” guy. I failed to accept for the longest time that these were not only unimportant traits, but that these were utterly wrong choices for me. With the look usually came a lifestyle, a way of being and speaking that didn’t fit me at all! I had nothing in common with the extreme types, because, as it turns out, I was way too normal and grounded for them. I thought that looks do not define a person, because I always felt that my looks didn’t define me. And while we may not always be able to judge a book by its cover, we can judge by who they are being, after numerous encounters and having spent enough time and space with them. Deep down inside I held another wrong belief, namely that people that looked different were different; in a self-confident, successful and sexy kind of way, which meant that being with someone like that would make me equally as self-confident and awesome. The belief was false and in many ways, I paid for it with a lot of heartache and sorrow. Until I learned the truth!

The truth, as it turns out, was that the looks were less important and didn’t account for chemistry! Sure, initial attraction matters, but what trumped all was how a person makes me feel, consistently. I suddenly found myself looking at everyone, but especially men, in a completely different light. I paid attention to how people made me feel and to what they’d bring out in me. There are some people, places and situations that just make you feel amazing and continuously bring out the best in you, therefore challenging you to grow and keep getting better in life. The trick was simply to have more of those experiences and less, if not to say none, of the negative, draining and disappointing experiences. It was a matter of choice, a matter of changing my mind and a matter of changing “my vibration,” if you will. False beliefs, insecurity, fear, sadness and anger only attracted the same into my life. I had to stop being these things, in order to stop attracting them into my life. I had to stop believing that I was this flawed and horrible person, based on what other people had done, said and chosen!

I now feel a change in my mind. It’s not as tangible and not quite as steady as I want it to yet, but so far it brings a certain peace of mind, happiness and laughter into my life. I am, for the first time, thrilled to be me – alone! I don’t need anyone to make me happy. I want someone who is willing and able to contribute. I am not willing to settle for just a body by my side. I have decided to rather be alone than with the wrong person. I have decided that happy, peaceful and awesome people are welcome, wanted and allowed. I have decided that each and every one of us has a wavelength, a frequency on which we are sending if you will, and that I want my partner to be on the same channel and frequency, sending vibes of laughter, love and awesomeness. When I die, I want to do so with a smile on my face, knowing that I conquered my demons and lived the life I was meant to have and deserved with every part of my being. So in closing, I’d like to add the following from TUT – A Note from the Universe:

Having preferences doesn’t mean you’re judgmental. Carmen, whether they’re likes or dislikes. They just ensure that as the  winds of divinity are blown through your heart, the melody is unlike any other. So have them, Carmen. Have them BIG time. – The Universe –


(Not) The One

The one

Some of the best ideas for writing come to me when talking to friends and yesterday, one such conversation took place. My friend expressed regret for not pursuing the “one who got away.” Without going into too much detail, the story unfolded somewhat like this. He was with “the one” for almost 3 years. She dumped him for an ex. He felt strongly that if it was meant to be – and there was true love between them – she’d be back. Based on this belief, he decided to not chase after her. She never came back and that is where he thinks he may have failed. He felt he should have “fought for her.” I, however, disagree. I feel he did the right thing and I don’t think he lost “the one.”

I am not going to speak for others, but the way I see it is like this. When someone leaves me, it isn’t my “duty” to chase after him; unless I caused the breakup. When someone chooses someone else over me, I see absolutely no reason to attempt winning that person back. Being dumped is bad enough; but losing my dignity, too, while attempting talking someone into being with me, especially someone who clearly does not want me, makes no sense. I am not saying that people don’t make mistakes. I am not saying that someone who leaves shouldn’t be forgiven or even be taken back. But it isn’t my responsibility to make it happen. I feel that the one who broke the agreement and the trust should be responsible for reestablishing the bond, and actually do the work to make it happen. 

The truth is, at least in my experience, those who dump you generally don’t come back. The reasons are plentiful and include shame, guilt and “feeling bad,” but sometimes the reason is much more simple: They didn’t want me! They chose someone else over me and not only moved on, but forgot about me. I was a temporary solution to maybe fill a need. No amount of pain on my side, no amount of chasing and sorrow, guilt trips or anger will change that. I wasn’t it, someone else was/is. Done – end of story.

See, I expect anyone who is a grown-up to do the right thing and own up to their mistakes. So when someone walks out on me, I’ll do absolutely nothing. As crappy as it sounds, I’ll suffer, mostly silently, because nothing is worse than being dumped by someone you loved AND having your friends beat you up for missing him. But no matter how much I hurt, I will not contact him. And yes, if that means he is lost to me forever, it gives me all the answers I needed – including the one that hurts the most: he didn’t love me and he doesn’t want me back. The “he will see what he’s lost once is gone” is BS. I don’t buy it. Nah, he doesn’t see that he’s lost a precious thing, or he wouldn’t have left to begin with/been back already.

The most destructive pattern we can fall prey to is beating ourselves up for not having been enough. Nothing beats down one’s dignity and self-worth more than chasing after someone who doesn’t want us. I’m not saying that one should be a self-righteous jerk. But I am saying that it isn’t up to you to pursue any person who disrespects, hurts, lies or walks out on you. As such, I have always upheld the simple policy of “you think I’m not worth spending time and space with or being with? Well, that’s OK. I’ll miss you, I’ll morn you, but there’s the door.”

If a person who is supposed to respect, love and care for you does not find it necessary to come after you and clean up their mess, if someone has no ability to apologize, own up to their crap and fix it, then they are simply not worth it. All that means is that they would do it again. It takes self-reflection, humility, integrity and decency to truly own up to being an ass and why would you want to be with someone who has neither of these traits? Your worth is not determined by others. It is determined by yourself; so when you allow people to treat you a certain way and then go and chase after them, you essentially say that it is OK for them to mistreat you. I don’t know about you, but that’s not the message I want to send.

I am using a simple philosophy in life for both, friends and  relationships. If I screw up, I’ll clean up my mess and attempt to make it right. If they deny me this opportunity, well, I can at least say that I tried. But if a trusted and loved friend, partner or family member betrays me or walks out on me, I’ll let them go. I choose to be around those who know that their life wouldn’t be as bright without me in it – even though I am not perfect and can be a royal pain in the butt. But that is love and exactly what I want in my life. Life is too short to chase people who don’t give a damn. If someone leaves and doesn’t come back, it’s because they don’t want you, not because you “let them go.” 


I’m A Good Woman – So What?

inside_your_head__by_lightchaserHow often have you sat aside a female friend, who was bawling because her relationship ended, while repeating “I’m a good woman. Why can’t he see that?” For some reason, when things go bad, we have a tendency to sit there and rattle off all of our good traits – “I’m smart. I’m successful. I am pretty. I am…. And I am a good woman.” But is that really what we should be going on about?

A week ago I created a vision board. I’ve spent 3 hours carefully selecting words and visuals I had printed out, found in magazines and bought in sticker form. I created a giant visual to remind me what I stand for and what I truly want in life. Why am I mentioning this here? Because I think when we keep sitting around and desperately attempt to tell us that we are “good women” we are missing the point completely.

Getting what we want in life has little to do with being a good woman or not. It has, however, everything to do with honesty, accountability and integrity. Everyone experiences hardships and loss. But if we keep finding ourselves staring at the ruins of yet another failed relationship, or worse, marriage, it’s time to look at our core character and personality traits; namely when it comes to how much stock we put in truth/honesty, accountability and integrity.

Let’s look at truth and honesty. When we choose the same bad situations and people time and time again, regardless if we are doing it in our professional lives or personal relationships, we are violating the principals of truth and honesty – especially with ourselves. We all have instincts and gut feelings. These tell us usually from the get go, or at least after a certain time, when things are off and not right. Being honest with ourselves would dictate that we acknowledge and see these bad situations for what they are, and then make decisions accordingly. But usually, we ignore any and all signs, lie to ourselves and keep choosing what doesn’t serve us. We call it strength, loyalty and love, even though our actions are not aligned with either one of these nobel notions.

Moving on to accountability. Looking the other way and ignoring the obvious is not strength; neither is remaining a victim. There are things that happen to us that are bad and that we have no control over; but when it comes to relationships in all of their forms, we are fully responsible for how much we are willing to put up with. We are accountable for our actions, thoughts and words and while I fully understand how we are psychologically and neurotically hardwired to repeat behavioral and thought patterns, we also have the ability to “wake up” and change them – if we so choose. We are responsible for how our life works out, no matter how much we claim it isn’t so. We have more power than we are usually willing to give ourselves credit for and can extend said power to leave what doesn’t serve us behind, instead of continuously choosing to settle. There is no power and greatness in settling for what you know isn’t right.

Everything we are depends on our word, followed by the actions to support these words. Integrity is, in my opinion, the most important trait we have and without it we are nothing. We can’t tell ourselves that we are “good people” while we keep falling out of integrity with ourselves and others. If we say we won’t stand for certain behaviors it should mean something. Sadly, we allow emotions and strange justifications to run rampant and control the outcome of situations – situations we often chose and allowed ourselves to be in. Not standing for certain behaviors doesn’t merely mean that we whine about behaviors from others, no, it also means that we will not engage in the same destructive, dishonest, crazy, mean, selfish and cowardly actions we accuse those around us of.

It doesn’t matter how “good” of a woman you are, if you don’t believe so yourself. Being good means being good with yourself first. If you can’t stand for your own values, if you don’t have enough self-worth and confidence than all the talk of being a good woman is useless, because you will keep settling for less than what you deserve and ever wanted. Not being good to yourself also means that you will keep drawing exactly what you said you didn’t want.

The price we pay for not being good to ourselves is much higher than just a bad job or relationship. Consistently living a lie, by engaging in a life and situations we neither chose, nor wanted does something to our very being and soul. We run the risk of slowly and steadily becoming bitter, angry, desperate, disillusioned, dishonest, depressed and weaker. The more we become our lesser self, the less we are the good person we claim to be and the more we are willing to settle and perpetuate the cycle, making more bad choices, engaging in more self-defeating behaviors and attracting more of the wrong partners.

I am a good woman, but have done a bad job in being good to myself. So I am telling all the other good people out there, male and female, you can’t be good to anyone if you can’t be good to yourself first. Good is a state of mind and shouldn’t just be reserved for every thing and being who waltzes in your life or presents itself to you. Good should be reserved for yourself first and then those who’ve earned it and deserve it.


Love – Just is…Not What We Thought?

Love

 

 

 

I recently realized that my understanding of love and what it truly is has changed; and keeps changing as I get older and wiser. While some may wonder now if I have gotten cynical, bitter, disillusioned or “sad,” I would argue that quite the contrary has occurred.

Like most girls, I grew up hoping for, what Hollywood at least, sold as the perfect love. You’ll meet your soulmate, usually by some amazing divine intervention, you lay eyes on each other and everything else around you stops moving. And from that moment on you are one, forever. You have kids and a family and you buy a house and you grow into the amazing unit of unwavering unity we were all taught we are entitled to have. Then I grew up and things changed.

So, I wanted to share how I evolved from a wide-eyed romantic, to someone who still believes in love above all with all her heart, but merely adjusted what the meaning of such love truly is and most importantly, how it comes about.

See, even as a child I wondered if undying love and everlasting bond exist. Being the product of a mother who was married five times and a dad who was also married five times, along with an aunt who is currently on her third, miserable marriage, all I ever saw is that love fails. Until I realized that it isn’t love that fails, but our expectations and our very being as we grow older and define what is important to us. This is also when I learned that love, in itself, is not enough when it comes to the real world. The real world which requires us to pay bills, have jobs (sometimes jobs we didn’t want, but jobs that paid the bills) and a certain willingness to conform, if we want to be somewhat successful. I learned that human beings are much more complex. I learned that feelings change, especially when you add emotional baggage, addiction, fear, anger issues and other unforeseen forces into the equation, such as basic compatibility! Yes, I’ve learned that love is not unconditional at all. Love is quite conditional, because love depends on so much more than just a warm fuzzy feeling.

Love, I have learned, is not a chemical reaction. You know, this crazy “in-love” feeling you have, when nothing else matters and you literally do see the world through rose colored glasses and stubbornly refuse seeing who a person truly is. This is when you accept and settle for things that you would otherwise never tolerate, such as the fact that someone may have severe issues with being honest. Or the fact that they drink too much, feel too little, do drugs, lie, have no ambition, and on the list goes. No, you stubbornly refuse to listen and to see, because you are in love! And this is also when you learn that this chemical, all powerful attraction lasts an average of 6 to mostly 12 months. Then reality sets in and you are stuck with whom they truly are; which is when the issues begin.

As I grow wiser, I have learned to understand love as a true appreciation and deep respect for another and who they are – short-comings included! Out the window went the expectation for someone else to complete me and be nearly perfect. I realized that looks and attraction fade, but that character and being generally do not. I set out to find someone who I can respect, genuinely like, sit and talk to, spend time and space with and someone who helps me grow and accepts me for all that I am, just the way I am. I realized that love is still an attraction, so yes, initially I still need to find the person attractive, but what constitutes this attraction and in order for me to stay attracted, there are traits that overwrite the original expectation and wishful thinking of the tall, dark haired, probably slightly “bad” boy who would sweep me off my feet. Instead, I found that the key to my heart takes a different set of skills these days. The key is through intellect and my mind first – can he hold a conversation about anything and especially the things that are important to me/interest me, can he make me laugh, can he challenge my beliefs and opinions and does he have the ability to listen and speak? Is he honest, self-aware and kind, or does he numb, distract, run and pretend? Does he look at me and think “blah, blah,” I just want to have sex already/watch TV, etc., or does he share his thoughts with me?

I have found that all I truly want is a best friend and true partner in crime. I have read studies who claim that your man should never serve as your friend and I couldn’t disagree more. While I don’t want him to be my only friend (I sure as hell don’t want to discuss my PMS with him), I want him to be my closest friend and confidant, because if he can’t be that, he can’t be my lover either. Yes, the saying that the largest sex organ is the brain is true. If he can’t stimulate my brain, he can’t stimulate my heart and if he fails in that, he won’t stimulate my body for long either. As a person who never was truly interested or capable of one-night-stands, this holds even more true.

I am finding that being able to form a friendship first may be the key for me to build a loving relationship. Because if I don’t have to censor, which I won’t when I don’t feel I need to be “on,” like I do when I am dating, and if he still loves being around the true and raw me, chances are, we can, are you ready, grow in love.

I have learned that I grow in love, I don’t fall in love anymore. My heart is not closed. My heart is open, it’s just that it takes a different and probably larger key to get to it these days and I think that’s OK and will keep me from settling for mad chemistry and lack of substance. The best bond is that we choose to have, not the one we are forced to have because we are addicted to someone, can’t be alone, feel miserable, lonely or otherwise inadequate. And I happen to make that choice easier if I find that being around someone makes me happy and feel at ease – just the way I do when I am around my best friends.

So here is a cheer to being with your best friend, lover and partner in crime, versus your prince charming and opposite that is supposedly so attractive.


Love, Best Friends and Douchebaggery

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“I deserve much better than this.” How many times have you heard someone say that; or worse, how often have you said it? There is something profoundly unhealthy about staying with a person because you have to make a point or prove that you are worth it. “But I am a good person! Why can’t he see that.” Or how about “once I am gone he is really going to realize that he lost the best thing that’s ever happened to him.”

I hate to break it to people, because I also hated breaking it to myself: NO, he is NOT going to realize that! Maybe he misses pieces of you, maybe he hates being alone, but no, he is not in some magic slumber that will suddenly end when you choose to leave. Chances are, he is going to move on, the way he always has before you came around. Maybe there is relief in knowing that he no longer has to work so hard or pretend or fight, or whatever. Maybe there isn’t. But what most of us don’t want to admit is that it doesn’t matter what the other one thinks, feels, wants, needs or doesn’t. What matters is what you feel, think, want and need. If you cannot believe that you are worth it or “deserve better” you won’t convince anyone else of it. It’s as easy as that.

Running around the world and telling everyone how beautiful, deserving, smart, ambitious, amazing and loving you are is not going to make you so. If you cannot believe in yourself, no one else will. If you don’t set boundaries, no one else will. If you don’t decide what and when it is enough, well, I’m sorry to say then you have it coming. All I can say is, “brace yourself and get ready for the next round of crap.”

Love…what a wonderful notion – and yet I think a lot of us have it wrong. Love isn’t pain and it isn’t hard work. Love isn’t misery, fighting, struggling and proving your self-worth. Love is not about power, control, dominance, fear, anger and selfish whims. Love is not an addiction you have to fuel like an addict. And no, it’s not about fear and adrenaline rush (often mistaken as the initial “in love” experience). Love is about deep appreciation, respect and admiration for the other person. It’s about the joy you experience when spending time and space with them. It’s about mutual interests, but most importantly same values! If your core values do not match, you won’t either. This is not about compromise. A compromise is about taste in food and music, not in areas like being monogamous or loyal, for example.

While we are talking about the foundation for love; let’s also discuss friendship for a moment. We often use the reason that the other is our best friend. And again, I come in with the brutal truth: Wow! Your bar when it comes to friendships must be set, not just super low, but probably be buried underground; unless it is OK for your friends to be dishonest, disloyal, selfish and mean to you. I often see people put up with stuff for the sake of friendship and honestly, it amazes me what they consider a best friend. Truth? A person who consistently puts their needs ahead of yours, does not treat you with kindness, respect, care and consideration is not only a lousy partner, but definitely not a friend either. I wouldn’t even acknowledge them as an acquaintance. Don’t mistake the few good times you have and the few times he/she actually listens and attempts to care or do the right thing as being a friend. Friends don’t hurt you consistently and/or worse, deliberately!

It is sad, maddening and hard to stand up for yourself when you don’t know how to. It is difficult to understand that no one but you is responsible for your happiness. You can roll over and stay in denial, blaming the other(s) for your misery, but in the end, it’s all on you. Your quality of life is on you. Happiness, success and health – yep, also almost 100% on you. Even when life deals you crap cards, it’s still on you. There is power in this! Trust me. I view these trials and crap times of my life as badges of maturity and wisdom. There were times when I kept sticking my finger in the electrical outlet, electrocuting myself over and over,  wondering why I was in so much pain; until I learned to stop doing that.

So the question remains: Are you done yet, or are you ready for the next round of pain! The choice is 100% yours.

 


Love, Dove, Schmove, Pove

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It’s the most complicated emotion we can feel and yet, I find it the most important one. What would I be without the ability to love? What would the world be like without love?

I am not an expert. But I have learned some valuable lessons along the way that taught me the difference between infatuation, lust and love. I think, like most people, I had it wrong. I think that I fell for the Hollywood bullshit version of “love at first sight” and “falling head over heels.” I mistook strange obsession and unhealthy attachment, fear and adrenaline rush for love. I also mistook an old, and yet familiar feeling of having to prove my worth and value, for love. And hence, love was eluding me and was all but a fleeting and painful emotion I often wished I never felt at all.

I learned love from my friends. Yes, not from romance, not from movies but my friends. I learned what love truly was when I realized how I felt when someone truly, compassionately and honestly cared for me and valued me. I realized, if I ever was going to feel that strongly for a man AND had chemistry with him, I’d be set (provided he felt the same in return, of course).

But as we humans are, we make it complex. We want the whole package, as is sold to us by media and entertainment. The whole shabang, including the crazy obsession and the endless what ifs, fear and excitement, we so easily mistake for being in love. We are so confused and unable to form true and lasting bonds that we consistently feel disconnected, alone and unloved. And when we meet people who do not ignite the proverbial spark, we dismiss them as not the one, even though the spark is based on superficial and exterior things.

Love, as defined by psychology and as I see it, is a mutual admiration, respect, compassion, intimacy, care and commitment to another. Yes, we have to be attracted and have chemistry/sexual compatibility, but I found that the big bang theory doesn’t hold up.

Maybe, the “bang” is the thing that happens when your admiration, care, compassion, intimacy and commitment to the other grows. Maybe, you just wake up one day and find that you truly cannot be without the other, because they do make you a much better person and life without them, while possible, actually sucks. Maybe it truly is that thing where you grow closer, versus further apart as the time passes and you truly get enveloped within their whole essence and being – by choice, not by obsession.

I think my understanding of love is more of a bond than just a need. As I grow older I am changing, evolving and learning. My paradigms are shifting and so is my outlook on what I deemed once important, attractive, desirable and necessary. I think it’s all changing for the good. I feel calmer, even though my life is less exciting one could argue.

These days I believe more and doubt less. I don’t pick things apart, I don’t dissect them the way I used to and I don’t think them to death. It’s more quiet and there is no adrenaline rush. Crazy has left the building and for that I am super thankful.

And on that note, here is the latest TUT – A Note from the Universe:
“Fret not, Carmen. Time is on your side.
So are all the angels.
And “no” is never forever.
Yes, now, thank you –
The Universe”


Happy Valentine’s Day

Happy-Valentines-Day

 

People seem to really hate Valentine’s Day. I don’t quite understand why. It’s been around for as long as I can remember, even in Germany. Granted, we may not have celebrated it, but we acknowledged it and it has always been known as “the day of the lovers.”

I kind of think that Valentine’s Day is awesome. Not for the commercialized aspect of the obligatory flower and chocolate gifts, but because I think we SHOULD have a day for the lovers. Hell, I think we should love every day and quite honestly, in this day and age I feel that love is underrated!

It feels as if our lives revolve around “stuff” and work; making more money, being more busy and more successful. Our feelings and emotions are watered down. We don’t put a whole lot of stock in our hearts anymore and rely instead on our amazing intellect and rationale. It is frowned upon to feel and most emotions are seen as mushy and weak.

What a sad state of affairs! If it would be up to me, almost the entire world population would be in therapy, learning how to let go of undesirable and emotionally crippling behavioral patterns. There should be workshops for how to feel more and be less selfish. We should school people on the power of true intimacy and teach them how to connect, without sex. I find it rather laughable how many consider f***ing their indicator for intimacy. I’d love classes on how to open your heart, be present and share love and kindness; for the joy of it! I want tools to heal broken hearts and let go of past hurts and regrets for everyone.

I want the bah humbugs to shut up. I want a world filled with more Dali Lama’s and less politicians. I want to give chocolate hearts out all the time and I want to share my love and heart as often as possible, because I think love is the only thing truly worth living for. I believe love is all that matters, especially when we are stripped of the stuff we have made a priority, usually for the wrong reasons.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Doesn’t matter if you are single, married or in a relationship, know that you are loved. And when you are loved, you are not truly ever alone.