Why It Truly Doesn’t Matter

Love

I’ve noticed an interesting pattern with myself and many people that I know. It’s the pattern of assigning meaning to the things we should, in fact, ignore. 

Ever notice how we tend to look at our successes with an almost shoulder-shrugging, disconnected and strangely indifferent attitude, while we take rejection to a whole new level of cray cray? When I take stock of my life on a logical level, I’d have to see that my wins clearly outnumber my failures, and yet, I still often find myself measuring myself by the times I experienced rejection, loss or defeat. My brain seems to have an uncanny ability to zoom right in on the negative, mourning the loss of an opportunity or relationship, while it quite deliberately ignores the greatness I achieve/have achieved.

Somehow, I assign great meaning to rejection. Being turned down for a job, promotion or by a guy suddenly means that I am maybe insufficient, not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough or otherwise simply undesirable. This is the great lie I was lead to believe a long time ago. And yes, it is a lie. Let me tell you why it is important to choose the right perspective and how to go about it.

Beating yourself up and blaming yourself for what someone else chose and did is the most hurtful thing you can do to yourself. The truth is that people do, think and say whatever they want and there is nothing you can do about it. You don’t have control over another’s actions; you only have control over your own actions and perspectives. Yes, if certain situations keep repeating, you may want to evaluate why you choose people who treat you a certain way, but to believe that their actions reflect on who you are in any way, shape or form is simply toxic; and again, not even true.

In the past, when a guy rejected me I’d make it about me being not good enough. But what if it merely means that they are not the one I want!? Why would I want anyone who doesn’t clearly see me? To quote one of my Besties, “you are one of a kind. Anyone who does not recognize that isn’t worth it.” I thought about this statement long and hard and realized that I truly had it backwards.

When I would meet someone that I liked and they didn’t like me back, I’d go back in my mind and have the conversation of “If I would only not have said/done this or that, and done/said such and such instead.” I am sure many can relate to that. And yet, this is the very thought process we should reject. Why in the world would anyone even do who requires censoring? Why would we blame ourselves readily, instead of standing proudly in who we truly are? Why would I beat myself up over being too intense, when I know that there is someone out there who’d look at my intensity with a great big grin and a “whoohoo!” Why do we assume that this one person, who usually knows nothing about us, is more valuable than the ones who love and like us precisely for the things that truly make us the unique people we are?

Yes, being rejected is uncomfortable. I think it’s human to respond with an initial knee jerk reaction of “ack,” and feeling sad. But in the great big scheme of life it truly doesn’t matter. So I got rejected? Next! All rejection means is that I am still available for the awesome person who thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread. Because I want the man who looks at me and thinks “HELL YES!”.

Sometimes people look great on the surface and sometimes we may project what we want into them, but the truth is that nothing feels quite like the true, authentic click and spark that happens when you meet your true match. If I have to censor who I am, what I say, how I look and what I stand for, I am not with the one; it’s as simple and honest as that. True connection is not built on superficial attraction and projection of what we want to see and would like to have. True connection is built on trust in knowing that you are safe being yourself, and admired, wanted and loved for just that. So don’t attach meaning to someone rejecting you. Instead, realize that your “whoohoo” is still about to happen, because that is what you want and deserve anyway.

The key is knowing that what you truly deserve and want is, in fact, possible. It’s the how and when you gotta let go. Lightning could strike tomorrow – in the most unexpected ways and places and everything around it will fall into place, without you censoring who you are.


Dear Love,

Today I’m here to tell you that I love you, deeply and truly! You need to know this, because I’ve noticed that you are doing it again. You are doubting, feeling down and worse, you let the fear reign again.

Sweety, you are OK! It’s OK to still go through this. You’ve been trying, I know. You’ve been meditating, visualizing and you’ve purged so much. But, Darling, it takes time. Be patient, I swear it will work out. It always does, remember!?

I know you want to cite past experiences, situations and people, but they don’t matter. You are in the now, now! When you visualize, you’re creating memories from your future. I know that you still struggle with the self-love bit. I know you still sometimes cry when you are asked to visualize that; that’s ok. Because I’ve also noticed how often you laugh now; and how much joy and bliss you’ve experienced as of late.

See, you ARE holding the good thoughts much longer now. You haven’t given up. No, not you, my sweet little fighter. You defiantly wipe away those tears and try again. And that’s why it’ll work out. Your life is amazing, you are loved by so many, go and love yourself like they do. You can. Your light has been shining like a giant beacon. Look around at all these new faces in your life. They all have one thing in common – they smile at you. See, now you are drawing those who not only see you for who you are, but love you because of it. Let’s not disappoint them, by making their love and light meaningless, when we proclaim, if even in the smallest voice, doubts about that offering.

You are the light. You are magnificent and amazing in every way, because of who you are. So, listen well, sweet warrior goddess, I love you. Always and forever.

Love and Light,

Your Higher Self


Get Rid of Your Chains – Spreng die Ketten

No chainsMost of us live our lives as if we had an infinite amount of time and space available. We repeat our patterns and our destructive ways of being, and we refuse to change them, because getting rid of our chains requires work, dedication and commitment and most of us simply don’t have the energy or need to do that. Most of us never really hit rock bottom either. We just learn to cope with the crap. After all, repeating what we are hardwired to do is so much easier, even if it causes us continuous heartache. Dare I say, there seems to be an almost masochistic want in us to just keep marching to the same bullshit beat.

My beat – what has been my beat? My beat has been all about proving to some invisible part of my being that I truly am not worth the time and effort, as my parents taught me. No, there is no sadness, no “woe is me” part here at all. It’s just a tiny grain, one that sometimes drives invisibly and yet quite forcefully how I react, interact and what/whom I attract. My relationships and friendships have been overwhelmingly underwhelming; driven by the most common denominator – being around those who could neither give me the love, loyalty, effort or time I craved. Sure, I learned to get better. Therapy kinda does that for you. Oh, how much I loved my emotionally unavailable and self-absorbed lovers, partners and friends.

I went all out. I had no children, but became a driven business woman. I became successful, I made my own money and enough of it to not ever have to rely on anyone to make it; and I had fun to boot. I used my uncanny ability to read people and turned it into a profession. I found happiness…or did I? I watched everyone slowing down, procreating, settling, while I ran at lightning speed, spinning like a tornado across the globe; literally and figuratively speaking. And of course, I bought into the idea that I truly had shaken off all my chains. I had bought the illusion that I was free.

I found free when I blew it all up. I blew up my life, my security. I sold my home, my furniture, my “things,” found homes for my kitties, left my husband and moved up state, where I found, well, where I am finding me. I am finding me in her rawest form. I am finding me with a bunch of clothes, huddled up in a temporary housing place, no roots, no home, no one to come home to, no one to run to, no one to turn to – no chains. All bets are off. Nothing is what it once was and it’s painful, and it’s uncomfortable and yet it is so liberating. It hurts and it’s invigorating.

The rat in the cage still wants to take the chains and put them back on. I still want to run and shackle myself and yet, now I am starting to know better. I have found tears here. I have found heartbreaking, gut wrenching sadness and my heart being torn into shreds for what I have lost and for the fear of the unknown and for wondering if I am too unreasonable and for the what ifs. I find myself sitting on my bed, legs crossed, toppled over with head in hands, sobbing and shaking in ways I had forgotten. But I’m shaking it away this damn need to please and to make another happy and to lose myself for the sake of what I should be doing and what someone else may expect me to do.

When the tears subside, there is this ball of energy in my gut, expanding up my spine, shooting through my hands and my eyes, mouth, nose, my crown and then there is just strength and the deepest feeling of gratitude for having loved myself enough to no longer allowing myself to be shackled, sad, torn and longing. I wrap my arms around me, then stretch them out wide and shine. Yes, these days I shine. I shine on my own, some days brighter, some days less bright, but nevertheless, I shine. I have freed myself. I ran up to the cliff, I never stopped, I ran and jumped and I’m free-falling now.

Standing a bit wobbly, but I am standing tall.  “You can never know the odds. If you don’t play you’ll never win…”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_37QDzgSWg


The Power of a Great Character

One of the biggest questions when people end up in the wrong relationships, pick the wrong friends or hire the wrong employees is why they didn’t see it coming. When someone pulls the wool over our eyes we scratch our heads and wonder if we truly didn’t see the writing on the walls, or how we could have been so completely wrong.

The problem is not that we didn’t see it coming. The problem is that we are generally unwilling to listen. We don’t trust our own instincts and we tend to romanticize those who we have chosen as partners or friends; and we might feel ashamed for having hired someone we shouldn’t have. But there are a few ways to spot those with a strong character, which will allow you to make an informed decision in what capacity you’d like that person in your life; if at all.

First of all, observing a person’s behavior over time really is your friend. Any mask and facade can only be upheld for so long, until it starts cracking or completely falling apart. One of the biggest indicators of someone with a great character is how they handle their life in times of stress, when they are criticized/confronted or experience failure; in other words, when things don’t go their way and not all is rosy. Pressure truly reveals who someone is at their core and what coping skills they have. Why? Because those with strong character compose themselves with grace, dignity and kindness, no matter how bad it gets. Going through difficult or hard times never gives reason to act like a jerk. And, a person with strong character won’t always make it about themselves, while selfishly disregarding another’s view or opinion. They don’t have their head stuck up their butts, unable to see anything outside of their own box and bleak reality, and because of that they know how to forgive, let go and move on.

Strong character is usually fueled by integrity, honesty, fairness, kindness and strength. Therefore, consistent actions of douche baggery, egotism, victimhood, fear, anger, jealousy or imbalance are not sported, because a strong character has no need for those. It is absolutely normal for anyone to handle things the wrong way sometimes, but the sum of our actions is what defines us; not our occasional words or displays of doing the right thing. Don’t listen to excuses like “well, these were special circumstances,” or “I have been going through a hard time.” We all go through hard times now and then. It doesn’t give us the right to lash out, to insult people or take our moods and attitude out on them; it doesn’t give us the right for attitude, period. Anyone who notoriously sports moody behavior, who can’t be trusted and requires a constant tiptoeing, i.e. censorship of one’s actions or words is not worth catering to. Any relationship, personal or professional, requires a consistent flow of giving and taking. When things are always off balance it is time to reevaluate if it is worth continuing interaction with that person.

Unhealthy souls have a way of attracting more of the same, namely more stress, drama and pain. They are never in a space of true happiness; they don’t know joy and any success they may feel is short-lived. The glass is always half empty for them, no matter how good they have it or what happens, because they have long lost, or maybe never even learned the ability to enjoy anything in life. They have come to rely on their own misery, worry and lack of anything good to define how their life unfolds.

I noticed that everyone I have ever met with amazing character has lost a great deal in life at some point; they have endured great hardships or pain and within all of that have learned to not take things for granted and to appreciate people and situations more, while complaining and whining less. They have learned to be kinder and more patient because they know how it felt at some point and time to be on the other side of the spectrum. They have learned what truly matters in life and therefore waste no time on those who didn’t learn it. And while I still do not understand why some who endure pain turn into monsters, while others turn into heroes, I do know that true loss or dire consequences to one’s own created misery have created some of the most amazing people I have ever encountered.

It is difficult to swim against the stream and to do what is right, especially when there are those who keep making excuses for us, support us or enable us in our BS. But at the end of the day, those who can’t learn, are those who won’t grow. And those who won’t grow, are those who’ll stay down in the black hole of mere existence.


Loyalty and Integrity – Two Lost Traits?


Recently my friend told me how her best friend of over 10 years not only betrayed her (in the most douche-baggish way one can think of), but then spent the past few months bad-mouthing her, befriending her friends and family on Facebook and even inviting them to her wedding. She also told me how she got rid of everyone who even remotely associates with this ex-best friend; and of course, how she had to explain to one of her family members why it is not OK, and why it hurts her, when the people who are supposed to be loyal to her, betray her by associating with someone who deeply wounded and betrayed her and now goes deliberately after her friends!

I hugged her and told her that none of it shocks me. I have been in this situation enough times and what always baffled me the most is that I had to explain it! I had to explain that I cannot call you a friend when you openly associate with those who harmed, hurt, betrayed and still bad-mouth me. I remember one such “friend” who justified her behavior with the following words “Not all of us are happily married. I need all the friends I can get.” Since then I have disassociated from all of those who are wishy-washy, fair-weather friends.

Both, my friend and I were born and raised in Germany. We come from a country where integrity and loyalty are valued considerably higher than in Los Angeles, where self-serving and superficial seems to be the norm quite often. When one we cared about was hurt, it was our duty to protect, support and care for them, until their heart was mended. If someone hurt your friend, they are hurting you! Done; end of story! It would have never occurred to us to hook up or associate with exes of any form; be it an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend or an ex-friend. I had one friend in particular, who would literally beat the hell out of anyone who was bad-mouthing me. I remember her walking up to one such ex-friend of mine, who was spreading rumors about me. My friend, Daniela, walked up to the chick in the middle of a club, while the chick was surrounded by her new friends. She grabbed her and told her “If you EVER as much as say another word about Carmen and I’ll find out about it, I’ll kick your friggin’ teeth in.” Said chick never said another word about me. The winner, I was not even there when it happened. To this day, the phrase “character pig” is one of the largest insults one can dish out in German.

This type of loyalty and integrity has been hard to come by here for us. It took me many years to find my true friends, of which I have less than a handful. Two of my closest friends are middle-Eastern and each one has battled the same issues I struggle with at some point or another here; even though one of them was born and raised here.

When you call people on their bad behaviors, they most often don’t own up to it. They don’t apologize, but instead justify and blame, then go behind your back. I remember calling one of my “friends” on publically insulting me, asking her why she would say such things. She got angry and told me to “f*** off,” and was never heard from again.
These days we don’t honestly talk to each other, we passively aggressively call names and then delete people from Facebook. Deleting has become the ultimate coward weapon to hide behind. And it is amongst my greatest pet peeves and biggest triggers for me. Some people just let it go, but to those of us who have been betrayed and abandoned by those who were supposed to protect us, care for us, love us or be our friends, this behavior continues to be detrimental to our well-being. Would it not be for tools I have learned from professionals, I would probably live a life filled with bitterness, anger, distrust and sadness. Alas, I have learned to deal with those of low character; they are no longer allowed in my life, period.

I don’t understand those who claim to care for you or even love you and then call you petty, controlling or unreasonable when you ask them to please not associate with those who have hurt you. It also baffles me when people tell me that I must be a very angry or bitter person, when I voice how confused, angry, hurt or offended I am by utter lack of integrity and loyalty; while the same people never seem to read or comment on any of my positive posts or words, which I spew much more often than sad, angry or negative ones these days.

Maybe because I don’t understand our world, which seems predominantly populated by self-serving, superficial cowards, who’d leave your butt in a heart-beat, if you as much as mutter any words that hold them accountable. I still feel puzzled by these behaviors, enough so to keep thinking out loud, questioning and getting it out of my system.

I used to feel very alone and isolated when I was younger. These days I am proud to be who I am and happy that I have found and keep finding those who are on the same page, have the same goals and abide to the same honor system. It makes it all worth-while and it puts things in perspective. After all, there is nothing more rewarding than finding that a seemingly useless fight you are fighting is, in fact, fought by quite a few others. Strength might be in numbers, but foremost it is in doing the right thing, no matter how hard it is. Strength comes in the satisfaction of living one’s life to the fullest; living it with integrity, decency and honor. There is more satisfaction in quality than in quantity. True love for oneself can only arise when we are able to look at ourselves in the mirror, knowing that we are a truly good and decent person; namely one others are happy and proud to know. Because this is when we start affecting others with light, instead of infecting them with neediness, drama and darkness. Hence, we draw what we truly want and desire in life. Strength and happiness come from courageously standing consistently in strong character, no matter what life or people throw at you and to get back up when the same individuals knock you down temporarily.


My Life Lessons

Even though I don’t drown in regret and sorrow, there are still a few things I would change, if I could go back in time. I sometimes do wonder what I would say to myself and what kind of advice I would give to the young me.  After all, what makes us truly human is the ability to learn from our mistakes.

  1. Follow your instinct!
    If it looks like a duck and quacks like one, it is a duck! You can’t rescue people, you can’t make them change and you can’t make them better. You know what a person is about when you meet them, listen! And don’t let your head or heart get in the way, for both cannot be trusted.
  2. People do not change!
    Not for you, not for anyone. People only change if they want to and most people never will; this is because most people cannot face the pain, nor do the work that is required in order to become their “higher” self. Most will prefer misery, if it is the alternative to not moving a finger and claiming victimhood.
  3. It is OK to have high expectations!
    It is not OK to continuously lower them for others and then start getting resentful about them not doing anything about it!
  4. Not everyone thinks, feels and views the world the way you do!
    This is fine, as long as you don’t attempt to befriend or change the minds of those who are on polar opposite ends of the spectrum.
  5. Never sell out your values!
    It is not OK, ever, to compromise on your moral and ethical values for anyone!
  6. Get your butt back into therapy!
  7. You come first!
    You are not a distant second, third or tenth behind anyone. And no, other people’s wants and needs are not always more important than yours, even though they may consistently try to tell you that. Get rid of those who are selfish!
  8. You are enough and you are worthy!
    Remove those who try to convince you otherwise.
  9. You are not perfect and you never will be!
    The right people will love you unconditionally, imperfections and all.
  10. Life can be amazing, wondrous, joyful and happy, regardless of where you came from and what you may have experienced in your past. You are the creator of your own happiness; and no, it won’t fall in your lap. Work is required and necessary, but the rewards are infinite.

Lastly, I would tell myself to remain truthful to me, to not sell out, to stand up for myself and to set proper boundaries.

    

Feel It, But Don’t Act On It!

The good old saying is “Follow your heart!” But actually, this is not necessarily a good idea for everyone, and definitely not a good idea for me, or people like me. When I follow my heart, it usually ends in disaster. This is due to the fact that our rational thinking process is very skewed when we are highly emotional, and most of the time, we don’t make the best decisions in that place! Why is that? Because it is never a good idea to make decisions in any state of imbalance or extremes!!

I am a very emotionally charged person. My emotions can be really overwhelming when it comes to certain “triggers” I have. When someone triggers me, they might as well have committed a crime. In the past, depending on the “offense” I felt someone committed, I could launch an all out attack that would leave not much left in it’s wake.

Struggling through months of cognitive behavioral therapy is teaching me that I am not “allowed” to act on my feelings. I have every right to feel them, but I must step away before I talk to the person involved, and take a time-out. I have, and still am, learning behaviors that are healthy and appropriate in situations that would have had me fly off the handle, or even retaliate. It is very hard and painstakingly difficult to rewire my brain, but it is keeping me away from a lot of the heart aches I have brought on to myself throughout my life.

Every time I want to really react, I do something that is good for me instead. For example, when someone triggers rejection, I go and get a manicure, watch a movie I want to see, work out, go swimming, read a book, or play World of Warcraft. Whatever keeps me stable and rewards me for not acting out is allowed. Whatever is HEALTHY is allowed.

My initial responses are not yet changed. My first response is still the good old storm, but then I stop dead in my tracks and before I pick up that phone or write that email, I force myself to walk away.

The same old trigger for me is that I feel that people “got away with it.” I am the one who has to tell them what a true douche they are, because all the other cowards idly stand by and look the other way. I keep feeling the way I felt as a kid, when people did stand by and no one intervened or helped on my behalf. When I feel this way an unbelievable rage comes over me, literally shutting down my rational thought process and I go after the person; or so I did in the past.

The overwhelming feeling of not being able to confront those who have cowardly abandoned me, turned on me or betrayed me is deeply ingrained in me. And yet, I am learning to heal from that. It has never worked to confront them. I never did get an apology, but instead would get more hurtful blame and guilt trips thrown at me. I have never really accomplished anything by telling them what it did to me, because the ones who pushed me to that degree of hurt were every single time not only so deep in denial that they couldn’t see truth if it hit them on the head with a 2×4, but were also so incredibly selfish and/or heartless that they simply lacked the ability to truly feel for another. This is like screaming at a deaf and blind person, literally.

It sounds simplistic maybe, or even stupid, but one of my mantras is “just say NO!” Whenever I am presented with something that hits my fight mode, I don’t run from it, but I walk away, talking to the voices of reason in my life. Whenever I want to “help,” or “safe” I do the same.

I am stumbling about like a child. It’s almost as if I ask “am I allowed to say this/that” and then wait for the answer before I proceed. It’s just that nowadays, I actually know the answer before I act and follow accordingly.

My life is changing drastically. I look around me and there is very little that is familiar to me. From the initial “ranks” there are less than a handful of people left; I have a brand new job in a brand new environment and I am really taking care of my health now in ways that I never have before.

It is all so unfamiliar. Nothing is at it was and maybe because I am no longer acting on emotion, I am feeling them so much deeper and stronger than ever before. It’s like a mountain I keep climbing and I know, with absolute certainty, that one day, in the not-so-far future, I will have overcome and climbed that mountain. I shall then plant my victory flag and finally thrive, instead of merely cope and survive.