True Love – Make it So

true love

Love – nothing will ever be more elevating, more empowering and more worthwhile than true love. And while all know this, it often seems to elude many of us for various reasons. So we run around disconnected, distracting ourselves, while hoping that the magic answer and bullet will appear, out of thin air, at our doorstep and in our lives.

Love is actually not as elusive and hard to find, if you know what you are looking for; and I believe that is where it becomes difficult. We are sold on what we should believe in and how this love thing should look like, missing that love and how it will appear is vastly different for all of us. We all have different wants, needs and ideals of love, our perfect partner and how we like to be treated, as well as what is and isn’t important to us. So being sold on a fairy tale created by Hollywood is often not only not cutting it, but will sometimes make us feel more off and as if something is wrong with us.

When I look at myself, I can honestly state that I am a hopeless romantic. But for me, romance never showed up in form a perfect house, 2.5 children, a dog and the man that I, as a corporate woman for example, should want and crave. To me, there were many nuances that didn’t fit in any traditional picture and this made me feel incredibly sad, “weird” and different. I wanted something out of this world and that just doesn’t usually come in a traditional form. Meaning, visualizing and craving something society told me to manifest could never work, because it wasn’t what I truly desired.

So, I created my perfect man. I started with a vision board. On this vision board I put all the things I wanted to have in life – money/success, health, love and happiness. I packed the entire board full of all the images that incorporate these concepts in my head. I then hung said vision board on my refrigerator door, where I would have to look at it every day. After this was accomplished, I started meditating and visualizing each aspect depicted. I was specific, VERY specific about the relationship and man I wanted. From his energy and how he should feel like, to all the qualities I personally adore and admire. I created my own, magical unicorn! With each passing day I recalled the image back into my subconscious – then released it to unfold without attachment to when, how and where.

The truth is, each and every one of us is capable to manifest whatever we desire. It takes focus and a little bit of time, and above all commitment and patience. Steady visualization does work. If it is love you are seeking, you might find yourself one day waking up to the very person you’ve been attempting to manifest, realizing that love is real and that your work has paid off.


Why It Truly Doesn’t Matter

Love

I’ve noticed an interesting pattern with myself and many people that I know. It’s the pattern of assigning meaning to the things we should, in fact, ignore. 

Ever notice how we tend to look at our successes with an almost shoulder-shrugging, disconnected and strangely indifferent attitude, while we take rejection to a whole new level of cray cray? When I take stock of my life on a logical level, I’d have to see that my wins clearly outnumber my failures, and yet, I still often find myself measuring myself by the times I experienced rejection, loss or defeat. My brain seems to have an uncanny ability to zoom right in on the negative, mourning the loss of an opportunity or relationship, while it quite deliberately ignores the greatness I achieve/have achieved.

Somehow, I assign great meaning to rejection. Being turned down for a job, promotion or by a guy suddenly means that I am maybe insufficient, not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough or otherwise simply undesirable. This is the great lie I was lead to believe a long time ago. And yes, it is a lie. Let me tell you why it is important to choose the right perspective and how to go about it.

Beating yourself up and blaming yourself for what someone else chose and did is the most hurtful thing you can do to yourself. The truth is that people do, think and say whatever they want and there is nothing you can do about it. You don’t have control over another’s actions; you only have control over your own actions and perspectives. Yes, if certain situations keep repeating, you may want to evaluate why you choose people who treat you a certain way, but to believe that their actions reflect on who you are in any way, shape or form is simply toxic; and again, not even true.

In the past, when a guy rejected me I’d make it about me being not good enough. But what if it merely means that they are not the one I want!? Why would I want anyone who doesn’t clearly see me? To quote one of my Besties, “you are one of a kind. Anyone who does not recognize that isn’t worth it.” I thought about this statement long and hard and realized that I truly had it backwards.

When I would meet someone that I liked and they didn’t like me back, I’d go back in my mind and have the conversation of “If I would only not have said/done this or that, and done/said such and such instead.” I am sure many can relate to that. And yet, this is the very thought process we should reject. Why in the world would anyone even do who requires censoring? Why would we blame ourselves readily, instead of standing proudly in who we truly are? Why would I beat myself up over being too intense, when I know that there is someone out there who’d look at my intensity with a great big grin and a “whoohoo!” Why do we assume that this one person, who usually knows nothing about us, is more valuable than the ones who love and like us precisely for the things that truly make us the unique people we are?

Yes, being rejected is uncomfortable. I think it’s human to respond with an initial knee jerk reaction of “ack,” and feeling sad. But in the great big scheme of life it truly doesn’t matter. So I got rejected? Next! All rejection means is that I am still available for the awesome person who thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread. Because I want the man who looks at me and thinks “HELL YES!”.

Sometimes people look great on the surface and sometimes we may project what we want into them, but the truth is that nothing feels quite like the true, authentic click and spark that happens when you meet your true match. If I have to censor who I am, what I say, how I look and what I stand for, I am not with the one; it’s as simple and honest as that. True connection is not built on superficial attraction and projection of what we want to see and would like to have. True connection is built on trust in knowing that you are safe being yourself, and admired, wanted and loved for just that. So don’t attach meaning to someone rejecting you. Instead, realize that your “whoohoo” is still about to happen, because that is what you want and deserve anyway.

The key is knowing that what you truly deserve and want is, in fact, possible. It’s the how and when you gotta let go. Lightning could strike tomorrow – in the most unexpected ways and places and everything around it will fall into place, without you censoring who you are.


(Not) The One

The one

Some of the best ideas for writing come to me when talking to friends and yesterday, one such conversation took place. My friend expressed regret for not pursuing the “one who got away.” Without going into too much detail, the story unfolded somewhat like this. He was with “the one” for almost 3 years. She dumped him for an ex. He felt strongly that if it was meant to be – and there was true love between them – she’d be back. Based on this belief, he decided to not chase after her. She never came back and that is where he thinks he may have failed. He felt he should have “fought for her.” I, however, disagree. I feel he did the right thing and I don’t think he lost “the one.”

I am not going to speak for others, but the way I see it is like this. When someone leaves me, it isn’t my “duty” to chase after him; unless I caused the breakup. When someone chooses someone else over me, I see absolutely no reason to attempt winning that person back. Being dumped is bad enough; but losing my dignity, too, while attempting talking someone into being with me, especially someone who clearly does not want me, makes no sense. I am not saying that people don’t make mistakes. I am not saying that someone who leaves shouldn’t be forgiven or even be taken back. But it isn’t my responsibility to make it happen. I feel that the one who broke the agreement and the trust should be responsible for reestablishing the bond, and actually do the work to make it happen. 

The truth is, at least in my experience, those who dump you generally don’t come back. The reasons are plentiful and include shame, guilt and “feeling bad,” but sometimes the reason is much more simple: They didn’t want me! They chose someone else over me and not only moved on, but forgot about me. I was a temporary solution to maybe fill a need. No amount of pain on my side, no amount of chasing and sorrow, guilt trips or anger will change that. I wasn’t it, someone else was/is. Done – end of story.

See, I expect anyone who is a grown-up to do the right thing and own up to their mistakes. So when someone walks out on me, I’ll do absolutely nothing. As crappy as it sounds, I’ll suffer, mostly silently, because nothing is worse than being dumped by someone you loved AND having your friends beat you up for missing him. But no matter how much I hurt, I will not contact him. And yes, if that means he is lost to me forever, it gives me all the answers I needed – including the one that hurts the most: he didn’t love me and he doesn’t want me back. The “he will see what he’s lost once is gone” is BS. I don’t buy it. Nah, he doesn’t see that he’s lost a precious thing, or he wouldn’t have left to begin with/been back already.

The most destructive pattern we can fall prey to is beating ourselves up for not having been enough. Nothing beats down one’s dignity and self-worth more than chasing after someone who doesn’t want us. I’m not saying that one should be a self-righteous jerk. But I am saying that it isn’t up to you to pursue any person who disrespects, hurts, lies or walks out on you. As such, I have always upheld the simple policy of “you think I’m not worth spending time and space with or being with? Well, that’s OK. I’ll miss you, I’ll morn you, but there’s the door.”

If a person who is supposed to respect, love and care for you does not find it necessary to come after you and clean up their mess, if someone has no ability to apologize, own up to their crap and fix it, then they are simply not worth it. All that means is that they would do it again. It takes self-reflection, humility, integrity and decency to truly own up to being an ass and why would you want to be with someone who has neither of these traits? Your worth is not determined by others. It is determined by yourself; so when you allow people to treat you a certain way and then go and chase after them, you essentially say that it is OK for them to mistreat you. I don’t know about you, but that’s not the message I want to send.

I am using a simple philosophy in life for both, friends and  relationships. If I screw up, I’ll clean up my mess and attempt to make it right. If they deny me this opportunity, well, I can at least say that I tried. But if a trusted and loved friend, partner or family member betrays me or walks out on me, I’ll let them go. I choose to be around those who know that their life wouldn’t be as bright without me in it – even though I am not perfect and can be a royal pain in the butt. But that is love and exactly what I want in my life. Life is too short to chase people who don’t give a damn. If someone leaves and doesn’t come back, it’s because they don’t want you, not because you “let them go.”