The Squeaky Wheel – Why I Won’t Be Silenced

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Last week, I was out with my friend Laura. We just had come out of the Tesla dealership, when I told her how much I always wanted a V8 Bumble Bee addition Camaro, but had gone with the Nissan Leaf instead. She asked me if I think it really matters and of course, I felt it does. I had been driving EVs/plug in hybrids for 6 years now and as our polar ice caps are melting, I feel strongly about at least not contributing towards the further destruction of our planet. I have no kids and technically, don’t have to care what happens 50 years from now, but that doesn’t mean I feel ignorant about my role in making the world a better place, even though I’m just one person. This is when she asked “you ARE aware that you are unusual in your strong moral and ethical values?” Of course, I am/was not. To me, all this is part of being a decent human.
 
I have been told many times that I am “unusual,” rare, different, extraordinary, etc. and yet, I can’t seem to wrap my head around why it is so difficult for people to differentiate, without bias!!! what is universally right and wrong. And when I mean “universally” I mean regardless of religion or creed.
 
Friends have often said that we need more like me, as if they had a valid reason to not be like that. The truth is, it comes with a terrible price and I think this is what deters people from “going deep.” People don’t want to get in fights, whatever that means.
 
After Trump was put in the White House, I was more than politically pissed off. I never cared for Bush, but him I could tolerate. Trump, however, existed/exists in a league on his own. Not because I disagree with him politically, but because he is a simply despicable, vial, vulgar and frankly, bad human. There is nothing humanly warm about him and I cannot for the life of me understand how this is not blatantly apparent to everyone. Needless to say, I wouldn’t shut up.
 
Meanwhile, I had previous co-workers and friends joining “secret” groups, where they openly discussed their grievances about Trump; as well as their fears and worries. None of them opened their mouth publicly. No, that quite uncomfortable action was left to people like me. They looked like “tolerant” and undivided people, claiming BS like “I will not judge you based on your political beliefs,” while I was the asshat who was considered intolerant, divisive and hateful. I, of course, stated that I also don’t part with people I politically disagree with. I will, however, absolutely part with people who are Nazi sympathizers, racists, judgmental towards LGBT people, hateful towards immigrants, the poor, and the sick, and those who think it’s their rightful job to force their beliefs on the rest of the world, while simultaneously judging other religions/groups for doing so.
 
The truth has always been that I am far from being hateful, and I am not particularly courageous. I don’t like confrontation any more than any other person. The difference is that I, from third grade on, considered it my duty to stand up for the underdog, the bullied, the less fortunate, the abused, the poor, the mistreated and hated. I even told my teacher that when I grew up I wanted to be either an angel, or Jesus (yep, I said that). Why? Because I had been every single one of these things and as an empath, I felt each blow done to another as if it had been dealt to me. I had vowed that i would never idly stand by and watch, as almost every single person in my life had done. I learned the true meaning of silence being consent.
 
I never shied away from telling people the brutal details, like being sexually abused for the majority of my childhood, or being mentally abused, berated, beaten, yelled at, ignored and pushed around. I felt it always important to tell people WHY I do the things I do; not that it mattered one bit to those who attacked me. It’s funny how people would always call me judgmental, as they sat on their butt, stating the same things in private, while silently standing by and watching. I felt it was interesting how a few “religious” friends felt they had the right to judge what people should do with their bodies, how they should believe and what was moral and right, often blatantly ignoring their scriptures or molding it to their advantage. These people would have the nerve to tell me things like “god works in mysterious ways we cannot possibly comprehend,” while making themselves out the authority on interpreting his word. There is something very inauthentic and hypocritical about people who cheered at people being deported, at people losing health insurance, at help being taken away from the poor, all the while yelling they are being persecuted and calling women who are pro choice “baby killers.”
 
I found it interesting that almost every single one of these people had no friggin idea what it feels like to be on the receiving end of their judgment and paying the price for their ignorance and selfishness. I struggled with the arrogance of arguing with a German how racism and white supremacy looks like; just like they sneered that I was being a “couch psychiatrist,” when I voiced my concerns about his narcissism and sociopathic behavior. They never acknowledged that those of us who have extensive experience with this type see it very clearly for what it is. It’s like asking a cop if he/she can see if a person is lying or telling the truth. It doesn’t take a degree. It takes experience and pattern recognition ability.
 
My whole point is that I am fully aware how I seem relentless, always angry and aggressive. I will remain so. Because one person CAN change the world, and if not, at least lead by example and with integrity. Because when I die, I don’t want to look back at my life and wish I would have done more for those who needed my help. If that makes me an asshole, then so be it.

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